Let’s Define “Unfaithful”: Is It Still Cheating If You’re Not Married?

July 26th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry

Source: fanpop.com

When I was in high-school, I told my friend’s mom that I had just broken up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me.

I was stunned when she immediately rolled her eyes and said, “You kids. It’s not cheating if you’re not married.”

When the news of Kristen Stewart “cheating on” Robert Pattinson exploded in the news yesterday, I was reminded of that conversation, described as a “shocking cheating scandal” the news coverage surrounding this couple has been absolutely hysterical and I just don’t get it.

The backstory is Kristen and Rob met on the set of the 2008 movie “Twilight”. “Twilight” is the first in a series of four vampire-themed fantasy romance movies. The two star in the movies as a couple and predictably became a couple in real-life. Recently, Kristen starred in Snow White and the Huntsman. Last week a paparazzo snapped pictures of the 22-year-old making out with the movie’s 41-year-old director in a car. Us Weekly ran the story (and a picture) on their front page and, in a bizarre move, both Kristen and the director Rupert Sanders released a statement to People magazine admitting to the actions and apologizing. Rupert’s wife tweeted “Wow” before shutting down her social media accounts and Robert reportedly moved out of the apartment he shared with Kristen.

Twilight has an enormous fan base and many are clearly unable to separate “Robsten” from the “Bella and Edward” married couple they play in movies. But this isn’t about the strange fans who post four minute videos crying and screaming about the news or those who dramatically Tweet “#MyWholeLifeIsALie”. We already know that people put way too much emotional stock in celebrity relationships despite the less-than-stellar track record Hollywood has in the romance department.

The most bizarre thing of the coverage is the fact that Rupert Sanders’ marriage and consequent adultery seems to fall second to Kristen and Rob’s dating relationship and inevitable breakup.

I get that Kristen and Rob are the celebs here and therefore the only reason why Rupert’s philandering is news is because he was smooching Kristen. Still, I find it very strange that dating relationships and marriage are treated as one in the same despite them being very different — one decidedly less serious than the other.

In my estimation, what makes Kristen’s actions so egregious is not that she was probably bumping uglies with a guy other than the boyfriend she’s been shacking up with, but the fact that the man she was potentially having sex with is married with two kids. She released a statement apologizing to Robert, but it’s Liberty Ross, Rupert’s wife, who was the most wronged here. If Kristen is to be vilified it should be because she slept with another woman’s husband and not because she “cheated” on her boyfriend.

This marriage and dating equivocation seems par for the course in Hollywood especially considering that marriages in that town have the life span of a carton of milk. In fact, sometimes the celebrities will date without true commitment for a relatively long time. Look at Brad and Angelina. They’ve been dating much longer than he was married to Jennifer Aniston. The fake tweet Kanye West sent about dating Kim Kardashian longer than she was married to Kris Humphries was only believed to be sent by him because what was said was true.

It’s not just Hollywood though. Even we regular folk are playing marriage despite not being married at all. What some of us have found out the hard way is dating doesn’t imply any serious commitment whatsoever, neither does sex and neither does sharing an address. Marriage is marriage and dating is still dating. Just because a couple is doing all the things that married couples do, they still can’t realistically expect the commitment that being married provides. It just doesn’t work that way. Though there’s a surplus of conversation about the “main chick” versus “side chick”, both are essentially the “nothing chick” as far as having “nothing” to indicate a promise of fidelity.

Does this mean people who call each other boyfriend and girlfriend should demand to be the only one he or she is sexting? That seems to be a reasonable expectation especially if one hopes that the relationship will lead to marriage. As one writer succinctly put it “a cheating boyfriend is a cheating fiancé and a cheating fiance is a cheating spouse”. A person’s propensity for lies and deceit that often go along with cheating in a dating relationship is a fairly good indicator of his or her propensity for lies, deceit and cheating in a marriage.

Still, since I’ve gotten married, I understand where my friend’s mother is coming from. Marriage is so much more serious than deciding to exclusively date a person and should be treated as such in every single way. In a dating relationship, a person is expected to be faithful solely because he or she wants to be, whereas in a marriage, a person is expected to be faithful because they’ve made a commitment to be faithful whether they want to or not. People are out here moving in together, having indiscriminate and unprotected sex, moving across the country, creating kids — all in relationships where neither person has committed to be there past next Tuesday. When these relationships meet their inevitable demise, others are shocked as though a relationship confirmed on Facebook means anything past the next second.

I think we would do better to put the emphasis on fidelity where emphasis is warranted: marriage. And, in turn, treat dating relationships like the fickle, irresolute relationships they are because dating and marriage are not nearly the same.

What do you think? Do you think it’s still cheating even if you’re not married? Do you think people equate dating with marriage?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

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Adrina

DISAGREE! Marriage does not change anything or anyone it ENHANCES your relationship. So if he cheats on you in a relationship…marriage will enhance that. If he or she is not willing to commit prior to marriage, why would you marry that person? If you really believe that, you’re setting yourself up in a major way smh
HeyYall

The true committment is marriage. However, you have to build that kind of trust beforehand. Messing around all the way until we say “I do” is just not gonna cut it. It is too many diseased out there to play those games. Some things should just happen out of responsibility and maturity.
Dee

This article is downright stupid Smh dating is a pre courser to marriage so how is cheating while dating not a big deal. The author is an idiot because chances are if u can’t be faithful while dating then u won’t b faithful in your marriage
Ms_Mara

With the logic of this article, I guess one last “fling” at the bachelor(ette) party is harmless then. It’s not cheating since technically the wedding hasn’t taken place yet? Yeah, see how dumb that sounds? Cheating is cheating ANY time 2 people agree to exclusivity and 1 of those people breaks that pact.
http://twitter.com/vashtikk11 ♥♡PURE ESTROGEN♡♥

If you’re a Christian, it isn’t cheating because technically pre-martial sex counts as fornication and there’s no sugar coating that. If you’re married and you make a vow to forsake all others, it’s definitely cheating. Anything that can end in the words “it’s over” isn’t really much of a commitment.
- Dee
  
  Some marriages usually end the same way so I have to respectfully disagree with ur comment
  - http://twitter.com/vashtikk11 ♥♡PURE ESTROGEN♡♥
    
    That’s fine, but I know more people who were sleeping around and broke up several times than I do people who married over and over again. Again, i’m speaking only for Christians.
    - Merriegirl
      
      You clearly don’t know that many people. Its becoming almost common for the average person including christians to have a starter marriage. A marriage which dosen’t last long and is the precursor to subsequent marriages.
      - http://twitter.com/vashtikk11 ♥♡PURE ESTROGEN♡♥
        
        So what if it’s becoming common? Does that make it right according to Christianity? What I said was that pre-marital sex in any form counts as fornication in the Christian faith. It doesn’t matter who you’re doing it with or how much you think you “love” the person. You’re fooling yourself if you think it’s acceptable in God’s eyes. I am aware of what people do, but I don’t have to know what many people are doing because the focus on my comment is what cheating is according to Christian doctrine, not what every Christian is doing with themselves. Some don’t even know better, so I can’t judge. People can have a starter marriage if that’s what they want, but it is not the Christian way.
- Merriegirl
  
  Yea every time JLO gets divorced she has to do a lot more than just say its over. But that dosen’t stop her from getting married over and over again. She’s been committed to many men.
  - http://twitter.com/vashtikk11 ♥♡PURE ESTROGEN♡♥
    
    Like I said “if you’re a Christian, it isn’t cheating.” If the person is not a Christian, it is whatever their faith/ ideologies dictate. JLO may have been committed to many men, but at least she didn’t have a bastard.
  - Miss Anonymous
    
    In my humble opinion JLO doesnt count. Alot of us dont have the same money/resources as her to be able to get divorced in a 3 day weekend with our high paid attorney in tow. We are regular people with 9-5 jobs.
    - Merriegirl
      
      Just because it takes long dosen;t mean that its not happening. Today’s married couple thinks the solution to their problems is a divorce instead of honoring the commitment they made to God and sticking with their partner to sickness and in health. Couples with det divorced over disagreements with in-laws, irreconcilable differences (they can’t get a long) and other issues that should have been addressed and evaluated before they got married. If today’s generation respected the institution of marriage they would get to know their partner well enough to predict their compatibiltly better.
Love_Sexy

Cheating is cheating….If two people have the understanding that they are commited to each other and one step outside of the relationship or marriage to be unfaithful…..Its simply cheating!….Why try to over analyze and dissect things.
Kenedy

This article is stupid…OFCOURSE its cheating if you’re in any kind of committed relationship, even if you’re not married
http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Sykes/1065177536 Ashley Sykes

um.. YES. dating (courting) should be considered practice for marriage. learning how to have a partner and stay faithful. as a performer i’ve always heard “the way you practice is the way you’ll look during showtime so practice as if you’re on stage with an audience” this also applies to dating… when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend you shouldn’t sleep with a trillion folks and act single just because you aren’t married cause when you DO get married then you’re gonna be used to that type of behavior and it’ll be hard to change.
lala

I agree, i think that when you are married you are taking a vow before GOD to be with this person, not commit adultry, and act as one through those trails and tribulations you are bound to encounter thorughout the journey. When you’re in a relationship you can make a promise to your partner,so its up to you personally to ensure that you keep your word or respect your partners request. Boyfriend/Girlfriend is a title and it cant be comparable to marriage. A person that says anyone can sign a peice of paper may not understand the depth or meaning of marriage, which many people dont, but all and all it still hurts the same in the end becasue its the feeling of betrayal from the person you care for or love.
- ckeezy
  
  I totally agree. Quite frankly, its all superficial. Words spoken with the HOPE of being honored. Security is a mental game that has no real roots in reality. No one is secure. Ever. In anything. The only thing promised is death and taxes.
- Rhonda Chambers
  
  If you’ve committed yourself to someone, you’re already married in God’s eyes. When did God say get a marriage license? or have some big shindig to “validate” your marriage and love? Licenses are for the world (government) to recognize it.
Hello_Kitty81

Cheating is a violation of trust, married or not. If you’re in a committed relationship and you’re having affairs behind your lover’s back, then it’s cheating!
Trisha_B

So if your in a committed relationship w/ someone, its ok to step out on your partner b/c technically your “single” & its not as serious as if you were married? o_O Maybe that’s why a lot of fools don’t know how to be monogamous. smh it doesn’t matter if your married or not. Cheating is wrong in all aspects. Yes it’s a bigger deal when your married b/c kids are involved, then you gotta worry about divorce & all that. But emotions are there whether its marriage or just a regular relationship. When you mess w/ someone’s emotions then that’s wrong
- http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Sykes/1065177536 Ashley Sykes
  
  exactly! people don’t know how to be monogamous and keep a marriage longer than 4 years because of this childish mindset.
Gimmeabreak78

I am a big supporter of marriage, but I take umbrage at the whole tone and tenor of this article. “Cheating” means that at least one person has violated upon the mutually agreed upon rules and expectations. Whether one is talking about marriage, dating, or Monopoly, if one of the parties involved violates the mutually agreed upon rules and expectations of the relationtionship (or the board game, as it were), than said party is a cheat. Cheating is betrayal. To imply that betrayal requires a marriage contract to count is pretty silly. Further to that, the author goes on to call dating relationships fickle and irresolute after contradicting herself by citing Kim Kardashian ( who is twice-divorced, and one of those divorces was to a husband of three episodes of her reality show) and Brangelina (even though they’ve been in a seemingly stable dating relationship for several years and several children).
Merriegirl

I feel like this article was written in the 60′s. The institution of marriage is not what it use to be. People get divorced if they cant agree on wall paper pattern. Infidelity is often over looked. & many will have mutiple marriages with in their lifetime. So to look down upon commited relationships between unmarried people is just foolish. We’re all in the same sad boat.
- Alissa
  
  Maybe the institution of marriage isn’t what it used to be because people think that emphasizing marriage over dating is a 1960′s mindset.
  - Merriegirl
    
    There is a difference between evaluating whats happening in society & ones personal beliefs. I would prefer that people respected marriage & the commiment they made to God but they dont so i call it how i see it.
sweettea

It’s still cheating whether you’re dating or married. Nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to agree to be exclusive. If you want to mess around just be single.
Kimster

“It’s not cheating if you’re not married.” Wow. Then what is it then? Just messing around for kicks and giggles? With that mindset it’s no wonder some people treat exclusive relationships like drawn out speed dating sessions, and relationships lack the maturity and morality to blossom into something even more serious as marriage.
Ms. Spring

On that note, I feel bad for Robert Pattinson. He thought Kristen loved him only to find out that she cheated on him.
Guest360

I don’t agree with that. To me if you make a commitment to someone, whether that means you’re exclusive, engaged, or married, to step outside of that commitment is cheating. Anyone can sign a piece of paper to be “married” but that never comes before someone has tied themselves physically, emotionally, and financially to someone else. If the both of you make it clear from the jump this is a relationship between the only two people and you go ahead and bring in a third (and sometimes a fourth and fifth lol), you’re cheating. I’ve never heard of cheating being void just because you don’t have a ring on your finger. IMO you don’t get free reign to do anyone you want whenever you want just because we aren’t married. It doesn’t work that way with me lol
- Shawna
  
  I totally agree and I couldn’t have said it better. I’m thinking of what I could add to your comment but I can’t, you nailed it!
  - Love_Sexy
    
    She pretty much did sum it perfectly…LOL!
    - Guest360
      
      Thanks you all
- Love_Sexy
  
  Co-sign!
- Pivyque
  
  Well…I didn’t tie myself financially or physically to my husband before we got married. I don’t see why someone would tie their finances with someone before they get married. If anything happens to that person, you are pretty much screwed…
  - Guest360
    
    But you did tie yourself to him emotionally, did you not? If you found out that he was sleeping with or carrying on an emotional relationship with another woman prior to you and him getting married, are you honestly saying that would have been fine with you? You weren’t married so it would have ok for him to do with another woman what he was doing with you? Thats what I’m saying.
    - Pivyque
      
      Of course…that’s why I only said physically and financially. Like I said on my post, it’s still betrayal either way. NOW I would be very upset if he were carrying on any kind of affair beforehand, but back then I can’t lie and say that my heart was 100% in it until we actually set a date. It sounds bad, but my grandma would always tell me that I shouldn’t fully invest in a relationship until I had legitimate proof that the intention was for it to go somewhere. Even though he was the only person I was dating, I never included him in my future plans…so if he did mess up and I found out at the time, it probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much as it would now, but i’m sure i’d still be hurt.
      - CarlaKah
        
        I do not agree that she had NO responsibilities. At 21 you already know right from wrong ABD your responsibility is to be an adult and carry yourself accordingly. Yes, she was not married but she was in a very public committed relationship. U think the lesson here is not only to learn from your mistakes but also to know what you’re getting yourself into, when stepping into a relationship
        
        Pivyque
        
        I respect your opinion and I partially agree with you. At her age, she does know right from wrong. In my opinion the only responsibilities she has are to herself. She has a responsibility to pay her bills, taxes and to fulfill the conditions of any contract she signs. I believe that dating is all about learning lessons by trial and error. Now that she has been publicly humiliated, she may think twice the next time she has a wondering eye.
ThisChick

Not married it’s called cheating. If your married it’s called adultery, cheating or having an affair. Pretty simple…
- OSHH
  
  I agree and the heart, once feelings have been invested and entrusted, doesn’t differentiate when breaking, if one was married, or just in a supposed monogomous and exclusive relationship, the betrayl will hurt regardless.
- Rhonda Chambers
  
  Exactly. People think relationships start with a piece of paper. Relationships start in the mind, the heart,and the spirit. Only then can you qualify to get the “paper”. You have to have a spiritual marriage before you can have a legal one.
Ms. Spring

Kristen should have not gotten involved with a married man who is also a family man. What does that say about her? She was really wrong for putting herself like that out there for the world to see. She has been with her main squeeze (Pattinson) for FOUR years, and that is a long time. She would have been made the ideal wife for her boyfriend/soon to be ex but she messed up in the process and made herself appear like a harlot. Kristen has made her bed now she has to lie in it.
- Baddvixentype
  
  Lets remember she is only 22 years old. I believe everyone is going over board. He was married. to me thats worst on his part cause he had so much to lose. im pretty sure she didnt make him mess around with her. she young, she’ll make mistakes. he’s 41 years old, he should have known better. what she did wasnt right but come on. she’s 22, what did you expect?
  - sweettea
    
    Age is no excuse. I was a married mother at 22 and would never dream of cheating
    - Pivyque
      
      Notice you said you were a married mother. You had duties and responsibilities. She is not married OR a parent. HE is. HE is stepping out on his WIFE and KIDS. At 41…HE should know better. At 22 with no responsibilities, it’s normal to make mistakes. She had a lapse in judgement. When you are married with a family, you can’t afford that kind of lapse.
      - Rhonda Chambers
        
        Well she really shouldn’t put herself in a position for a man to disrespect her. She’s looking like a harlot type of woman and that’s not good for her image.
        
        Pivyque
        
        True. She was clearly being selfish. She wasn’t thinking about Rob..the guy she “loves” so much, the guy’s wife..who played her MOTHER in the film or their kids. Smh. It’s all ridiculous to me.
      - Miss Anonymous
        
        I agree with you. I believe people are still doing the “blame the woman and leave the man out of it game”. Looking at these comments tell me that. The Man and Woman should be blamed. Why should another woman be responsible for your marriage when your husband wasnt? I dont understand that.
        
        My cousin his wife gives the woman who he had a child with (outside of his marriage) hell. She treats my cousin like a king but gives the baby mama grief. My cousin has cheated on her many times and even lived with other women but is welcomed back with open arms.
  - pfeiffer87
    
    I agree, he had the most to lose and the most responsibility as a husband and father and therefore should have though long and hard before any indiscretion he committed. She on the other hand isn’t married, although she shouldn’t have been messing either she’s not the one wearing the ring or with the 41 years of life experiences to make a better decision.
  - Ms. Spring
    
    22 or not, she is STILL old enough to know not to know better. Point is she cheated on her boyfriend with a married man. The 41 year old man was MARRIED. You act like 22 is the magical age to hurt other people’s feelings which is not always true.
jason vorhees

like my grandmother and aunts say….if you aint married you are single….no gray area
- Merriegirl
  
  With your logic all engaged people are single. Foolish.
  - curly girl
    
    u are single when engaged. either one can back out at any time for any or no reason. engagement shows people have an intent to be married, but they are not married. I agree with the author, it’s not cheating if you r not married. If you want to be exclusive with someone and expect exclusivity in return, then get married. I think that’s why married is so devalued nowadays because people are having all these practice marriages and when they break up, practice divorces. When you are single, be single. Date around, if you find someone you want to forsake all others for, marry them.
    - Guest360
      
      Anyone can back out of a marriage too. It’s called divorce lol. If the justification as to whether you’re cheating or not depends on if you can back out of it, then no one can ever be called a cheater or are you saying no one backs out of marriage either? I’m sorry but I think that’s a sad justification to continue to do dirt when you know full well it’s wrong whether a ring is involved or not. Cheating is cheating. It doesn’t go away just because you aren’t married.
      - curly girl
        
        my definition of cheating has nothing to do with the ability to back out. My point is, when u r single, u r single period. While u are single u may decide to only be with one person, and they can make the decision to only be with u, but if one of you decides to be with someone else, they u can. it’s not cheating. u can’t take your boyfriend to court because he “cheated”. you have no legal or spiritual bond that permits u from being with someone else. when u get a divorce, there’s a process involved. u don’t get to just say “i’m out” with not consequences. u can do this when you’re only dating. I guess it’s ok for someone say its over on Fri, have sex with a bunch of different people on Sat and Sun, then u get back together on Mon, but it was ok because u were broken up at the time. that sounds crazy, either you r married or u r single. that’s what the dating process is all about, date as many people as u can until u find the one you want to marry. u don’t have to “practice” being committed. u just do it. i never had a steady “boyfriend” until i became engaged. when i became engaged i became exclusive and now have been married 10 years this january. you can’t expect wifely or husbandly commitments from people who r not your wife or husband. ijs
        
        Merriegirl
        
        I think what your missing is that you’re probably the exception and not the rule. & if you would have been cool with your steady boyfriend cheating on you before your marriage actually took place than thats sad. Even if your response would have been “O well it wasn’t meant to be, he had no ties to me” it would show a lack of self worth and understanding that you deserve to be respected and told the truth. You can at least get those things from a plutonic relationship.
        & you’re definition of cheating is based on the mechanics of the actual breakup & how outside parties like the government can get involved if the couple decided to break up. When someone is cheated on whether they are married or in a committed relationship more than just financial and structural ties are broken. Trust is lost. The couple’s emotional connection is gone these are things that really scar. Unlike you take the couch and I’ll take the kitchen table.
        & as far as the spiritual connection in the country that area is very gray. Atheists can get married, People of different faiths get married to each other, and sadly people seem to have no problem breaking the commitment they made with God over and over again through multiple marriages.
        
        Rhonda Chambers
        
        You have to have a spiritual bond before you can have a legal one. You can have a marriage license and no marriage.
        
        Love_Sexy
        
        I agree with you 100%
    - Merriegirl
      
      If you are unable to as you say “practice” being married by being faithful to someone then you’re not ready to be married. One does not go from being a player all their life to being a committed married FAITHFUL person. They need to gain experience in intimate romantic relationships before they take the big step to marriage. Serious dating isn’t a mockery of marriage its a stepping stone needed to begin a successful partnership.
      - Guest360
        
        Exactly. Couldn’t have said it better.
    - Rhonda Chambers
      
      The funny part is, marriage licenses don’t stop people from cheating or walking out either.

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