Held Hostage In My Own Relationship: Have You Ever Dated Someone Who Claimed He Was Suicidal?

July 23rd, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"African-American Male Depressed"

Source: whoucallinabitch.com

The truth is, I don’t even remember the first time I met Lawrence*.

I do remember that he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, so he and I were just platonic. He was fun, attentive and unpredictable. He and I went to church together and were both very involved with the youth group. I called him my best friend and he called me his. I found out later that he had a crush on me, but I was “in love” with every guy I ever dated and therefore totally oblivious to any men sitting on the fringe waiting for their shot. Lawrence and his girlfriend broke up at some point and his pursuit of me became obvious…and awkward.

When I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, it was a Wednesday night and I was already at church, but I decided to break up with him via a payphone outside of where the youth group met. Lawrence was playing ping-pong ball not too far away from the phone, so I asked him if he had a quarter. He tossed one to me and I called my boyfriend and ended things right there. (Did I also mention I fell out of love quickly with every boyfriend too?)

Predictably, Lawrence and I started dating the next day. At first it was awesome. It’s always awesome before it turns into a disaster and you realize that you’re dating a kid who just dropped out of ninth grade, who lives in a one-bedroom apartment with his mom and seven sisters, and is secretly suicidal.

I was fourteen and way out of my league.

This guy, who was my best friend in the whole world (er…church), turned out to be the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had.

All I can say is that he was crazy. He would call me on the phone in the evening and want to talk to me until four am. This is how I found out he had dropped out of school because I had to go to school the next morning and he clearly had zero plans. If I told him I needed to hang up and go to sleep, he would say that if I hung up he was going to run in the street and kill himself. What do you say to that?

I was totally blindsided by this kid. One minute we would be having fun together, chilling like a young Cory and Topanga in love. The next he would blow a gasket over something tiny. When I would tell him I was going to the mall with friends he would say I was only going to the mall to meet guys. (Who knew the controlling behavior and neurosis started this young?) I was a free-spirited fourteen-year-old who wasn’t going to let some boyfriend play parent to me.  As a result, we would argue incessantly and our arguments would invariably end with him threatening to kill himself. I wanted to dump him, but I felt I was being held hostage in the relationship. Night after night, I would talk him off the ledge telling him how much I loved him and how much his family loved him and reminding him that his family and friends would be devastated if he killed himself. He was so up and down, and his downs brought me down though I had nothing to be down about — except the fact that I was dating him!

One evening, we were walking outside together and got into an argument. He stormed away yelling that he was going to go lay in the middle of the street. He stood in the street while I was hysterically screaming, crying and begging him not to get hit by a car. He finally walked back to sidewalk, laughing and saying that he wasn’t really going to kill himself. I wasn’t amused and I finally told my mom what a crazy person I was dating. Needless to say, she was livid. She told me, I couldn’t “save” him and that I was too young to be dealing with that nonsense. He apologized to me and my mom and she told him that he better never put me in that situation again.

Not too long after, out of nowhere on a Sunday morning in our packed, 5,000 seat sanctuary, my pastor called him up on stage and prayed for him. During that prayer, the pastor mentioned depression and suicide. That completely blew me away because I didn’t think my pastor knew what was going on with him. I was bawling. Not because I was sad, but because I was free. I told him that the pastor had prayed for him, therefore he was no longer suicidal and I wasn’t staying in that relationship for another day. [Older now, I realize that suicidal thoughts are not easily “prayed away” -- although I do believe that heartfelt, fervent prayer changes everything.] Surprisingly, he didn’t pull the suicidal card and, in fact, he said that he wasn’t suicidal anymore and promised that he wouldn’t threaten to kill himself ever again. Too litte. Too late.

Mental health is a serious issue in the black community and too many people don’t get the help they need. Still, I would hope other women don’t feel pressured to remain in these sorts of relationships. Suicide is serious and there is little non-professionals can do to administer help. In my case, Lawrence may not have been suicidal at all, but instead just incredibly controlling and manipulative and knew that threatening to kill himself was a way to keep me around. It’s hard to tell because, according to Facebook, he is still alive, has a kid by some girl he dated after me and seems to be dating a different girl now. If he wasn’t suicidal, that’s a cruel weapon to wield on someone whom you supposedly love. And if he was, I’m guessing he got the help (coupled with intense prayer) that he needed. Either way, I stayed in that relationship entirely too long and am glad I got out when I did.

Have you ever dated someone who claimed to be suicidal?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

More on Madame Noire!

Tags:

, ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

  • Rhonda Chambers

    The worst thing a black person can do is have any sort of mental illness. Just showing some emotion will get you labeled crazy in the black community. These stigmas in the community have to stop. Maybe then black people won’t be so ashamed to get help. He was crying out for help, but didn’t know where to turn.

    • Kayo

      Having a mental illness isn’t something that one does.

  • guest2

    Been there before, but I was in my early 20′s. I came home from work or class one evening to find the psycho on the couch curled up. I walked past him going to the bathroom and saw that he had “taken” a half of 100 count Aleve and all of my vicodon that was left from a surgery I had a year earlier, he made it a point to leave the bottles in the sink. I was so tired of this guy by then I told him if he is dumb enough to do it that because I wanted him out, I guess I will wait until the morning to call 911, so that I can make sure he is dead and out of my life for good – and started to get ready for bed. He started fake convulsing off and on for about 10 minutes (he couldn’t even make that look real) then he got up stumbling. He then started acting like he was throwing up, which I’m sure if he really took 12 or 13 vicodon plus 40 or 50 Aleve, he wouldn’t have been able to just get up after at least 30 minutes. When he saw that I still was not freaking out, (I guessing he thought I would) he went and sat down and later said “well he guess if I killed myself no one would care but his parents”. I know I wouldn’t, it would have been a relief from the nightmare I lived everyday, he was abusive, controlling and manipulative, at least he tried to be manipulative, people used to see straight through his stunts and laugh at him behind his back. That was just one of the many times he threatened suicide, but the first time he set it up to look like he attempted it. That was almost ten years ago and we all laugh now about the psychotic things he did, but we only laugh now because I made it out of that crazy situation alive and a much stronger person.

  • Pivyque

    I have been in a relationship with someone who was suicidal…to be honest, it didn’t keep me in that relationship. He threatened to kill himself…after threatening to kill me if I left him. I mean really? We were not only in high school, but only dated like a month…I told him that if he wanted to kill himself that was between him and God and that it didn’t have anything to do with me. I also let him know that if he tried to kill me, he wouldn’t have to worry about killing himself because I would do the honors… Harsh? I know, but I don’t take kindly to threats and my mom told me that people like that needed to be with themselves or they would hurt everyone around them. I wasn’t about to get in a cycle like that.

  • Shuga_B

    I have been there as well, in college, my boyfriend at the time made several claims at suicide to keep me around. It was hard and frustrating, because I didn’t realize that it was a manipulative tactic. What I have learned working in mental health is that most people who are really suicidal don’t broadcast it to the world, instead they display more subtle behaviors. Being so young i can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you, I am glad that you told an adult and got out of that situation.

    As for the black community and mental health, this is a subject that we don’t talk about enough, we still sweep it under the rug as if its not our reality. thank you for sharing your story.

  • Dave Exback

    I have to agree with Alexa. Sounds like BPD to me. The feeling of rejection make them go crazy.

  • Dee

    We must have been dating the same guy. However, I didn’t wait for the prayer. Smh

  • Kisses

    Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. I went through that mess twice with two different people! The first time I was the screaming teenager, praying he didn’t jump out my car going 55mph when he opened the door and threatened to do so. But the SECOND time around in my (still clueless) early 20′s, when homeboy threatened to jump out I sped up, pulled closer to the median and told him aim for the grass so he would have something softer to tuck and roll on!

    Your mom was spot on–you can’t “save” a man (or woman) with that type of mentality. Most likely he suffers from BPD or some other mental illness that can’t be prayed away. So just call him on his BS and get as far away as you can. It sounds cruel, but tell him to go ahead and do what he has to do. The most common thread I’ve recognized is that the person doing the threatening just wants attention, and will say anything to get it–but won’t DO everything they say. A person who wants to kill himself will, whether you cooperate with his wishes or not.

  • quest

    Yup and I told him to just do, take the shot gun and end your horrible life. That was 10 years ago and he is still alive and so am I. Bull stuff, was all it was. If somebody is going to take their life they will just do it. They do not need to ask you if it’s ok for them to kill themselves. They will just do it. Its their last resort to try to control you.

  • lalatarea

    Many of those people aren’t really “mentally ill” they’re just controlling and narcissistic. Tell em straight up ok and walk out of their life and NEVER look back, most likely they were never really suicidal and if they do harm themselves that’s not your fault you can only live for you and that person isn’t your responsibility.

  • Truth.Hurts

    I’m confused as to why at 14 instead of focusing on church, you were focusing on having boyfriends. This story sounds dumb bc both ppl were too young for all this mess and drama. Thts just my opinion.

    • Kisses

      So you came out the womb 30 years old and knowing it all?

      Mess and drama–that’s the hallmark of being a teenager! They get involved in precarious situations, some more dangerous than others, no matter how much parents push them in the right direction. Maybe you’re “confused” because you grew up in a bubble, IDK. But who are you to say the story sounds “dumb” when it happens to MANY teens on a regular basis–including myself–who are lucky enough to still be around to tell the story? Just because it may not have been YOUR reality doesn’t mean it wasn’t somebody else’s, so check the high horse, please.

      • Truth.Hurts

        Listen I stated tht it was my opinion so we can agree to disagree on it. Again I feel tht both parties were dumb and not all teenagers make dumb decisions so I wouldn’t generalize if I was you, so no I did not grow up in a bubble and yes I know what I am talking about.

        • Kisses

          Oh ok.

          Maybe her next article should be about throwing in the statement “it’s my opinion” arbitrarily to justify a previous or forthcoming rude statement.

          IN MY OPINION, your first comment made me sing the chorus of Outkast’s “Roses.” But who knows, maybe you nevereverever had a romantic or non-church related thought at the age of 14 and your folks never had a reason to contemplate putting you in a stranglehold at least once. ::shrug::

          • Truth.Hurts

            Not sure why you are so offended as if you wrote the post yourself. And I didn’t write a blog about my life @ 14 so I don’t expect your judgment/inquiry/sarcasm. And I wrote how I feel so you need to tke a chill pill and relax. Why my opinion affects you so much baffles me ? But I know why bc it’s hitting a little too close to home for you…well that’s your prob, not mine ! :shrugs:

            • Annette

              Dude shut up. You sound ignorant.

              • Truth.Hurts

                I sound ignorant bc I wrote MY opinion on a blog that someone who I DONT KNOW disagreed w/ it and now you want to chime in with your IGNORANCE. Geesh what hap to freedom of speech ? I’m entitled to my opinion even if if contrasts “popular belief”. Please tell me what’s ignorant about that, ms. Know it all ?

                • Shuga_B

                  @f0db02dc6e5a677cb38ff4d7c327b7cd:disqus I think your missing the point of the article, although maybe at 14 she should have been more focused on things other than boys, but that was not her reality and clearly its not the reality for a lot of young people today, everyone’s experiences are different. The BIGGER picture is about being in a relationship with someone who is suffering from mental health related issues, this can happen at ANY age and at ANY time in someone’s life…by simply reading the comments above you can see how others relate to this. So give the blogger a fair chance to give her OPINION…and not berate or degrade ( by calling it “dumb”)..the author or anyone else for seeing the validity of such a post. ~Peace

      • Rhonda Chambers

        No that’s your story as a teenager because ya parents didn’t limit you from being all fast and grown. I never had this type of situation because I had too many extra activities like church and band to worried about to be mixed up in some silly teen romance. These kids are getting into grown folks situations but they have kiddie minds. It’s not our fault your parents didn’t nip that in the bud.

      • Rhonda Chambers

        The situation wasn’t dumb. The way she tried to make herself look like the victim and downplay the boys conditions was dumb. She goes on and on about how fast she was and how many “boyfriends” she had at fourteen. The fact is, she was spoiled and selfish ( look how she dumped the other kid on the payphone) and it backfired. She didn’t get to really know the boy and she wanted to blame him for a disease he couldn’t control. She brought it all on herself. This whole story is narcissistic. I don’t feel sorry for folks like this.

    • Pivyque

      I actually agree with you. They were entirely too young to be involved in something like this, but the reality is that it happens. Kids get into relationships when they should be focused on school, their future or, in your opinion, church.

    • Alissa

      Kids don’t date in high school anymore? Missed that memo. Besides, it’s not like we ever had sex (or any semblance of it). As far as focusing on church, I spent my life at church. Besides being involved in the youth group, my school was at my church, so I was at church six days a week haha. Seven if you count cheerleading at the Saturday football games at home! I agree our relationship was too serious for us to be so young, but I didn’t have a clue what I was getting myself into. Thankfully, my subsequent high school relationships were a lot less dramatic in comparison :-) . Thanks for reading!

      • Rhonda Chambers

        Believe or not, in REAL Christian homes you’re not allowed to date. Kids are encouraged to focus on more important things than silly teen romance. It’s not tolerated period. Boys and girls are encouraged to hang out in groups.

        • BlackonBlack

          so im sure as a teenager you didnt have at least a crush on a boy? or perhaps no one was attracted to you? which one? You sound ridiculous and bitter.

    • Rhonda Chambers

      I know right. She’s so into the church, but her parents are allowing a fourteen year old to date. She didn’t have any business in a “relationship” at her age anyway. Ludicrous. Back to my reasoning for all these teen parents. Bad parenting.

  • Annette

    Yes, I had an exboyfriend that kept telling me that if I broke up with him he would commit suicide. The relationship was already too much for me to handle, and it just became a drain. Looking back at it, I hope it was a manipulation tactic and he wasn’t really that depressed. But still that’s a heck of a thing to threaten someone with.

  • jetta

    …thanks for putting this out there…definitely too late for me but maybe other people will read this and see the signs sooner…

  • gracie

    Happened to me last year and we finally broke up when he threatened to kill then take has own life. Yeah its sad that it had to get that far.

  • Alexa

    It’s sounds like your ex has borderline personality disorder. People with BPD form immediate attachments and when they feel rejected or abandoned they can react with a lot of anger or distress e.g. making suicidal threats. You remember Fatal Attraction lol. And to answer your question, no never dated any one like that, thank God.