Lovers and Homies: Should I Tell My New Man That I’m Friends With My Ex?

August 2nd, 2012 - By Valerie J Charles

Vehem

Break-ups are nasty business. Rarely are they amicable with both parties cutting ties as lovers but remaining friends. But when they are, they can be helpful and even insightful. Yet an issue may arise when the next great love of your life comes strolling in. Do you tell your new partner that you are still friends with an ex? I did a mini survey amongst my friends, and 9 out of 15 believed that that is information your new lover should not be privy. Reasons ranged from “keep the past in the past” to “every woman deserves to have a secret.” And although, I understand where their reasoning is stemming from, I just can’t co-sign it.

If you are friends with your ex — and I mean good friends (y’all kick it together from time to time), you need to let your new significant other know. Why? Cause to quote a tried and true saying: “honesty is the best policy.”

When you are in a relationship, it should be all or nothing. If your new partner is someone you are trying to build a foundation and life with, they are privy to such information. As we know, people talk. Rather they hear this bit of news from you, rather than your girlfriend who suffers from the I-talk-before-I-think disorder. And besides, what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if his close friend Charlene was his ex-lover and you never knew? Now, don’t go running to him demanding whether or not she is (finish reading this first), but I’m sure just the thought of it has you feeling uneasy.

Now, telling him is one thing, but how he will take it is another. Knowing how territorial most men can be and considering I don’t know your boo, I cannot tell you how he’ll take it. However, such a situation can help you two build your communication skills and trust levels with one another. Allowing yourself to be this honest (and some would say even vulnerable) is a stone you can use to solidify your foundation and belief in each other and yourselves as a union. His reaction to this news can also help you determine how important this new relationship is to you. If he becomes overtly jealous, or asks you to stop being friends with your ex, it may reveal to you who your new partner really is or whether or not he is worthy of losing an old friend over. Amicable break ups can be good for the messiness they prevent, but they can also lead to problems in the long run. I guess there really is no such thing as a good break up.

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  • Been there done that

    Just wanted to say great article on this topic Valerie! This is the first time that I’ve ever left a comment on any site. Let me say that I do maintain contact via facebook, but we rarely if ever talk/communicate meaning no phone calls/texts/messages. If I were to get involved I would be honest and upfront with her and if she wanted me to delete them, I would perfectly understand and do so out of respect. My ex’s and I have no future together so it wouldn’t be a problem. As a man, I’ve definitely had my share of bad experiences with significant others, who still communicated with their ex’s. One got married to her’s 5 months after we broke up. Another cheated on me with her’s etc, etc, etc. One good piece of advice I received from what people go through in pre-marital counseling is that if you can’t give up your past(ex’s) then you shouldn’t get married because you obviously can’t let go of them. No other person should come before your significant other, and there’s a reason why there in the past. You can’t go forward if your still looking backwards.

  • Yamini

    My view is: If we don’t share property or children then we have nothing more to talk about. That’s not being cold. It’s just that to make way for something new and special you need to clean out the closet. If I see an ex in passing and they approach me, they might get a smile and SHORT, friendly convo if they wish and then I keep it moving. I don’t invite potential drama in my life and my current love should never have any reason to think there’s anything messy going on.

    • cheekee baby

      Yamini, we share the same exact sentiments. I couldn’t agree more.

  • ms lady

    I agree with honesty is the best policy but once you tell them and they have a issue with it what do you do? For example I have and ex who I have known for over 10 years and we are still cool but I cant mention his name around my bf or even hang out with him bc he knows he is my ex. How do you let a relationship that may have been for 1-2 yrs and been friends for eight go?

    • Been there done that

      I commend you on your honesty with your current significant other and there should be boundaries in your situation. I know that some people believe that you can be friends with an ex, but let me just say that I’m not one of them I know that is a sticky situation, because I didn’t like the fact that my ex dealt with her ex’s and in hindsight I should have walked away, but that is neither here nor there. The only thing I asked from my ex was that when there was communication that she would let me be aware of it. Honestly, if you have been intimate with your ex, more than likely you will still have those feelings of intimacy. In my case I found out that her ex asked her for sex and I felt that was inappropriate(I found out of this on without her telling me). In your case you can do 1 of 2 things..either be honest and straightforward regardless of if he gets mad or not, or 2) lie, deceive or not even bring it up, but if he ever finds out it will be hard for him to trust you. Take my advice, on this since I’ve been through it…it’s better to be straightforward than hiding it. If you feel you can’t let the ex go, then be friends with the ex, but no other man should come before your significant other/husband.

    • cheekee baby

      You have to decide. Is your current relationship more valuable to you than your ex that you’ve known for 10 years? Only you can answer that. If your friend means more to you than your boyfriend, dump his butt and keep your friendship.

  • been there done that

    I have been in a situation just like the one described where my gf at the time was still having strong communications with many of her ex’s which brought about alot of arguments. Bottom line is that it does boil down to trust moreso than jealousy, and I think most women/men will appreciate that. Case in point–One of her ex’s, which I didn’t even know happened to be her ex, light weight threatened me on facebook over a comment I made that was not directed at him. Needless to say we broke up and this was one of several main reasons why we aren’t together. What is in the dark will be brought to light and I agree with the author of this article Valerie that honesty is the best policy. If you are friends with your ex’s, being honest about it will allow the significant other to know what to expect and what they’re getting into which could save the both of you headaches in the long run.

    • cheekee baby

      I agree. If you are truly JUST friends with your ex why be secretive about it? I frankly don’t want to be bothered with someone who has a problem with letting go of the past and has deluded themselves that they are going to be strictly platonic with someone they were getting it in with. I don’t think if you are in a new committed relationship that its appropriate to be spending ANY time alone with an old flame. And people wonder why they have so much drama and bullish in their relationships. Hello you invite that crap in with unnecessary drama and situations.

  • lalatarea

    I think you should tell the other person just out of respect because if they find out it will always be detrimental to ur relationship that they didn’t hear it from you. Its such a sticky subject that its better to just get it out the way if you want to build a relationship with that person.