Dependent Diva: Why Waiting On Your Friends Might Make You Miss Out on Life

July 20th, 2012 - By madamenoire

By Chika Dunu

Beyonce  told us that the definition of diva is a female version of a hustlah. With that said, I’m pretty sure a lot of us know of a diva in our lives, whether she is our mother, sister, best girlfriend or ourselves. She is the career driven woman who is sure of her work-related abilities. But how many of those same divas  reference Erykah Badu and utter the words, “can I get a window seat (dinner reservation, movie/concert ticket) don’t want nobody next to me.” Literally. You, myself and our friends, my dear, are dependent divas.

So what’s a dependent diva? Allow me to explain. I’ve been longing to visit the N.O during Essence Music Festival for the past two years. And for the past two years, the girls and I would sit and plan in excitement about the upcoming festivities. But as quickly as the excitement of going washes over us, the disappointment of it not happening washes over me. And then, the excuses as to why the plans fell through start to roll in:

-”Oh we were serious about going?!” (Uh yes!)
-”I don’t got it [money]” (What?! We budgeted it out from December. Remember?)
-”That date wasn’t good for me” (So you feel the need to mention that now, when its time book tickets/hotels?)

And just like that I remain in New York the same time the festival rolls around.

Ladies, I am not the only one who faces this dilemma of having to forgo plans because of flopping friends. Who really wants to be the “weird” girl sitting by herself at a dinner table, jamming to a concert or boarding an airplane alone? I get it. Two years ago, I would definitely question myself sitting alone at a dinner table. However, today? Sign me up! In fact, I try to make doing something by and for myself once a week a tradition. I’m okay with the questionable stares. The nosy person eventually has to blink and diverge their attention elsewhere and I can get back to enjoying my own company. Heck, if I cannot enjoy myself, how can I expect anyone else to?

So, as I just finished reading the email informing me about next year’s Essence Music Festival, again I started my budget. And whoever is down, can come along or stay behind. But trust me, I won’t and you shouldn’t want to stay behind. There is more to life than what we are accustomed to and living outside the box of comfort shouldn’t be based on whether or not you’ve got a rally behind you. You have to live for yourself and experience life on your own terms and not on the terms of others.

America is known as the “no-vacation” nation, where many are opting to work  rather than taking time off. That’s understandable in this economy but ‘me time’ is also understandable and I am pushing you to have that time, whether it’s boarding a plane or eating at your favorite restaurant. Alone.

We cannot wait because we will never see the world always waiting on a plus one. I got that tidbit from Demetria Lucas. Preach!

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  • smokie

    Dang, you have enough time to find someone to go with you to the festival. You can always go with a guy if you can’t find ONE girlfriend to go with.

  • Miss D

    I know how it is to have flaky friends. I adjusted pretty well because I generally like keeping to myself. I love spending time with my girls but sometimes I prefer to be alone. Sometimes I just want to get up and go do something, and I don’t always have the patience to organize it or hope that a friend will come through. I just go. I find that I have a lot of fun alone – as a matter of fact, I learn a lot and tend to be more observant when I’m by myself. I love it!

  • Kitsy

    Ugh! This was the story of my life up until a few years ago, when I finally got tired of missing out due to flaky friends. I love to travel and every time I tried to make plans with my girls, they would act excited and be down until it became time to solidify plans. Then, like the author says, would come all the lame excuses and I would be left feeling angry and frustrated. Then one day I said F-it and decided to travel on my own and I love it! Don’t be afraid to strike out on your own and just “do you”.

  • Shaundalove

    Wow, this article just made me realize just how much I have been missing out on. I haven’t traveled in a very long time behind making plans with friends and then everything falls apart. I do however to to the movies and fancy dinners by myself. Now I’m going to plan a trip and whoever is down can roll, but I will no longer wait on anyone else!!!

  • Greenie

    wow… amazing… i just booked a trip last week to go to Brooklyn… alone. And I’m aiming to do everything i dream without having to accommodate anyone!! Here’s to being an independent diva!!!

    • No Disrespect

      You won’t regret it…I just came back from a 2-week trip in London and it was GREAT. If I waited for my friends to save the money, I would probably never get a chance to go. Have a great trip.

  • Kisses

    I can relate. In my late teens/early 20s there was so much I wanted to experience but my friends started popping out babies or moving to other states and I felt uncomfortable going alone. So I would end up feeling even worse when I finally made plans with someone, just to have them flake out last minute!

    After a while I stopped blaming flaky friends and blamed myself for letting them jerk my schedule around instead of being bold enough to go by myself. And then i sought out more accountable friends! The old ones got so cut off that now they definitely appreciate the one time a year they now have with me! Sometimes you have to reevaluate your social circle AND your self esteem.

  • poetsgroove

    I can relate to this! I work hard and want to enjoy myself from time to time. It finally paid off when I had a nice week long vacation in Puerto Rico last week. Only another friend could make it and our other friend didnt want to budge. We tried even offered her not to worry about the hotel and pay for a $400 ticket out of BWI, still no go. Life is to short and after all the fine men that I saw in PR oh Lawddy Lawd! You better believe I will start planning my next vacation right after the holidays! The way I see is that God made this world for us too see. People will work their whole lives and not take the time to get out and see and really appreciate what He has given us. Dont get me started…

  • 504thickdiva

    I absolutely love this article and can fully relate to it…. I’m the friend who is always down for doing what the others want but when its time to do something I have in mind everyone becomes flaky… this definitely shed light on the exact way I’ve been feeling

  • GirlSixx

    Aint this the truth… Sometimes 1 really IS a couple and 2 can be a crowd… Ya Feel Me?? I can understand that everyone has different priorities or things going on in their lives so when we say we want to do this that and the 3rd and everyone is hi-fiving and jumping on the bandwagon, i now know to just wait until the actual planning time rolls around because at least 2 will be dropping out, but I don’t let that deter me — “oh you can’t go booboo, OK I’ll holla when I get back and bring you a souvenir” :) I just going out alone and although yes I do feel a little weirded out I tend to enjoy myself and honestly depending on where you at you won’t be alone for long before someone starts chatting you up.

  • Talia

    I have a good amount of friends, but I have been feeling this way since my teen years. At 18 I was traveling to diff states by myself, my friends thought I was crazy but I wasn’t waiting on them! If I wanted to go to L.A., NYC, wherever, I was going with or without them. On occasion I will bring a book and go to a restaurant and eat alone, not bcuz I don’t have anyone, but bcuz i just want to. I do get strange looks from people there, but who cares. I had friends that used to not wanna go to the mall by themselves, to me that’s crazy. If i waited on them for everything I would be wasting a lot of time over the years.

  • LiiSH

    I FEEL THIS. In my group of friends I am the planner, organizer, person who makes it happen. Everyone just kind of sits around and brings up the idea. When it is time to dish out the money to get these things poppin (The essence festival was def. one) everyone is ghost. I have decided I will no longer be waiting on my friends to disappoint me. Next year I plan on going to Coachella, friends or no. Maybe I will hit up the Essence Festival too who knows? I go out by myself, watch movies and eat fancy dinners, shoot I can do this too. I can def. say it is a liberating feeling to just go.

    • ATF

      I am the same way with my group of friends. Last year, I had enlisted one friend to go to Essence and we had a blast! This year I tried a group and unfortunately I stayed in Texas when Essence rolled around. I was hurt because I had been doing Essence since undergrad but then again NO was only 45 minutes away but it was after that that I decided to do what I wanted and to plan a vacay by myself!

      • GirlSixx

        Often times when you plan trips with groups — it hardly ever works out.. it’s usually best to keep it small (under 5ppl) especially if they make you the designated travel agent, like my girls do to me – but I don’t mind cuz I find the best deals.

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