But We’re Not Friends Though: How Do You Decline A Random Baby Shower Invite?

July 19th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"baby shower"

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In the past few weeks, I’ve received no less than four baby shower invitations. Oddly, none of my closest friends are having babies. So what does that mean? It means, I’m being invited to sit around for hours, eat finger foods with virtual strangers, fawn over a future baby I’ll rarely (if ever) see, oh and drop at least $50 on a gift. All for someone who is barely a Facebook friend. Am I wrong for saying no?

Don’t get me wrong, I love baby showers. I’m one of those weird people who actually enjoys cutting the yarn to guess how big the preggo belly is. I always lose at the “don’t cross your legs” game and I will go way overboard buying gifts at Babies R Us. I’m not particularly interested in having a baby of my own anytime soon, so there’s no anxiety there. I just genuinely enjoy celebrating a major life change with people. But how awkward when the person you’re “celebrating with” isn’t really a friend? How much more awkward when you’re not sure if you received an invitation because this person genuinely thinks of you as a friend or because they’re trying to rack up on the gifts and thus thinking the more the merrier!

I’m not saying every future mother is just looking for the gifts, but that’s about 90% of the reason to have a baby shower and it’s mega-tacky to come to a gift-giving event without a gift. Of course there are other (still awkward) reasons.

A mom-to-be may invite me because she thinks I will feel snubbed if she doesn’t. You know that friend who thinks she is your friend, but you don’t really see her that way? I think we’ve all had that friend and been that friend at least once. Beyond gifts, a baby shower is also a celebration so maybe she just doesn’t want me to feel as though I’m not being included. Like I’d ever be that lonely commenter on the Facebook album asking, “Awwww….Why wasn’t I invited?” Okay, I have done that once.

Another reason is that she may also just want to keep friends together. If I have a friend who is closer to her than I am, maybe she will invite both of us so my friend doesn’t feel by herself when the mom-to-be is preoccupied. I can see that, as long as the mom-to-be doesn’t shoot me a disapproving look when she opens my $10 gift card. We’re not that close and that’s a pack or two of diapers. Thank me later.

Of course, the reasons why I wouldn’t want to go to a random baby shower isn’t just about the money. I can plan ahead for the cost of the baby shower and money can easily be replenished.  What we can’t ever get back is the time we spend. At the risk of sounding incredibly selfish, I’m just not sure if I want to spend two to three hours at a baby shower, undoubtedly live Tweeting the whole event, during my only day off for someone who isn’t even a friend. It totally blows my mind that a person feels weird calling me up for a lunch date (or just to say hi!), but has absolutely no qualms about inviting me to a baby shower. How did my name even come up on the invite list?

It’s not that I don’t want to make new friends. I do! But are baby showers the way to do it? Is accepting an invite to a baby shower the beginning of a new friendship? Is declining the invite the end of a potential one? Should I just assume that anyone who invites me to her baby shower is doing so because she genuinely thinks of me as a friend? What if it’s a surprise baby shower? Can I just tell the host, “ummm…not sure what you’ve heard, but I don’t know her like that”?

My issue is, when I don’t know the true motive, I’m not sure how much weight my decline will have. I don’t want to come off as the mean girl by saying no if she was really wanting me to come. But I also don’t want to suffer through if she doesn’t care either way and was only giving me an invite to be nice.

There should be a general disclaimer for baby showers included in fine print on all invitations: “If you’re never going to see the mom again when the baby comes, please disregard this invite.”

Until that happens, if I don’t want to go then I could just grow a backbone and just say no figuring she realizes that we’re not friends and that’s why I’m declining. If I can’t muster that courage then I guess I could lie and say that I have to work, but lies are easy to be caught up in (especially when you forget the lie and end up updating your Twitter with “Lounging around watching Friends all day. Perfect Saturday.”). I could go to the party sans gift and say I accidentally left her gift at home (people have definitely done that to me!). Or I could just show up mega late and then at least I came.

To be completely honest though, I’ll likely attend all four of these baby showers. I’ll be right on time with a smile on my lips and a gift in my hand and who knows? Maybe I’ll make four new friends!

What do you think? Have you ever been invited to a baby shower by someone who wasn’t really your friend? How did you handle it?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

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  • disqus_ZN4kJbzujw

    I just found your article because this happened to me. My husband’s brother’s wife, whom I’ve barely ever spoken to, has invited me to her out of state baby shower, and I can’t help but feel a little like an easy gift to her lol. We’re certainly not close and she HAS to know I couldn’t go…why even invite me at all? I’ve never even expressed any interest in her pregnancy to anyone. So weird!

  • monique

    The mother probably won’t notice. It’s not that serious RSVP no, if you want to send a gift do so. Your not obligated to go to any party just like no one is obligated to invite you.

  • angelfaceash1234

    send a gift card in the mail or something

  • Miss_Understood

    Baby Showers are definitely a way to get more stuff! I think I am a great gift-giver because I put a lot of thought into it (my inner Martha Stewart) and people have taken advantage of that in the past…I decided not to go to anyone’s baby shower who is not a close friend or family member and the limit is one boy and one girl because I refuse to buy more gifts for my friends on their 3rd and 4th child!

  • Sher

    Lol…very funny because I’m in that same position now. However, it’s a no brainer…not attending!!

  • Yolanda Marie

    I only read the first few sentences and I was over it. Why is this even a big deal? Just don’t go. You don’t know them like that, I’m sure they won’t miss you or be mad if you don’t show up. I know I wouldn’t be spending money on someone I barely know and a child I’ll barely see. A friend of a friend invited me to her daughter’s birthday party and I surely said NO. 1) I’m not that cool with you and 2) I don’t have kids! Why would I wanna sit around strangers and their children? *Just scanned the rest of the article* I totally understand wanting to make new friends and if that’s your aim, then go but don’t go out of your way to spend money on gifts.

  • FromUR2UB

    If I felt like I was being invited just for the gift, I would say I had somewhere else to be that day, if I had to say anything at all.

  • HOUSTON

    JUST DONT GO

  • STARO

    For real! For real! A baby shower costs at least $50 and 4-hours of time. I’m simply not doing it anymore. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but . . . there’s a real decline in basic social graces these days. These chicks don’t even think to send a thank you card with the baby’s picture!!! You give the gift, play the game, have the obliatory deviled egg (chicken wing, etc.) and you don’t even get formal thank you. SMH.

  • Ash

    RSVP with a no and let them kindly know they you never felt that close to them. You shouldn’t go because you would lead them onto thinking that you are friends. By not replying, well… I just can’t do that because that’s a pet peeve of mine.

  • Trisha_B

    Just don’t go lol. if its a facebook invite, it may have been automatic. & invited all facebook friends & just simply decline. But if you feel you have to go but don’t want to go & don’t want to show up w/ no gift, just buy diapers. I rather buy diapers, clothes, etc then give the money. idk where the money ends up lol. A lot of my high school friends, who i barely speak to anymore send me baby shower invites & i never go. My excuse, i’m away at school lol (knowing d@mn well my school is only like 45 mins from home lmao)

  • Alexa

    Girl story of my life! Lol I can’t stand when old highschool “friends” ( I use that term very lightly) who I barely hung out with invite me to there little hood baby showers. I don’t even bother to respond because I feel like the motive behind the invite are just gifts and money. A baby shower should be for close family members and friends.

  • Miss D

    If you were invited on facebook, it might be one of those things where the event creator invites their entire friends list instead of hand-picking guests. But if it’s not a close friend, why spend the money? Would you invite her to your own baby shower? If you did, do you think she’d come or send you a gift? If not, then don’t go.

    • Miss D

      And to answer the question, yes, I have been invited to a baby shower by someone who I wasn’t close to. I never replied to the invite on facebook, simple as that.

  • olivia

    If you don’t feel like going then don’t. If you are “not really friends” she won’t notice/care if you show up or not.

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