Source: Necolebitchie.com

I’m going to try to make this post come off as non-haterish as possible because I know someone already has their finger on the letter “H.” And just so you know, I’m not writing this just because at one point I would have gladly pushed Tiny on a set of train tracks to get a chance with T.I.—OK I would actually still do that if I saw her—but truthfully Tiny has grown on me. After seeing her and her rapper hubby on their reality show on VH1, I’ve come to see them as the cutest pair of old country people trapped inside young bodies that I’ve ever seen. But one thing that has not grown on me—even a little bit—is the tragic tresses she chooses to attach to her head on a regular basis.

In all of her 37 years, I think Tiny’s weave last night takes the birthday cake. To celebrate the big 3-7, and reportedly accept nearly $1 million worth of gifts from her man, including a Rolex and two tennis bracelets, Tameka Cottle showed up, as Lil Boosie would say, someone who ain’t never had ish. I’m not even going to touch the dress she wore. It’s the jet black hair that is accompanied by tumbling strands of red and strawberry blond weave that is never the same texture nor thickness as the rest of her hair, placed strategically (?) in the back of her head that has left me totally baffled.

I’m going to assume Tiny grew up in the trap like T.I. and perhaps is a product of her environment where this look is more of a haute mess than a hot one, like Vogue would say. However I’d like for Tiny’s look to catch up with her bank account. Tip clearly has made over his wife-beater, Timberland boot wardrobe, Tiny, boo, we’re going to need you to do the same. And I know someone out there is saying, “well, she must like it,” or, “if T.I. likes it that’s all that matters.” Unfortunately that’s not the way the world works. I’m inclined to go with the, “she must not have any real friends” school of thought on this one and place the blame on the only person I see fit, her hairdresser Shekinah.

If you watched “T.I. and Tiny’s Family Hustle,” you’ll remember Shekinah as the friend/hairdresser of Tiny that is clearly jealous of Tiny’s fortune, despite the fact that Tiny makes sure her girl is very well taken care of. I’m inclined to believe this so-called friend is setting Tiny up for the okie doke and making her look like a plum fool then turning around and saying, “girl you look good” because she can’t handle feeling like the pauper serving the princess. Why do I draw this conclusion, you ask? Because as hood and uncouth as Shekinah made herself out to be on the first season of the show, I never saw her look anything remotely like Tiny when it comes to her own hair. Secondly, there was one episode when Shekinah didn’t do Tiny’s hair exactly how she wanted it, and Tiny didn’t speak up, I believe because she didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m not saying Tiny walks around with her hair literally looking like an invitation to taste the rainbow because she’s letting Shekinah gas her up, but there has had to be some point in the past 10 years that she looked at herself and thought, WTF is going on with my head. I know I have.

The thing is, Tiny looks like she’s the unofficial member of the OMG Girlz, except they actually look better. One, because they’re 16; two, because it’s a part of their stage look; and three, because their hair looks intentional. Tiny’s weave always looks unfinished like she went to the corner store and picked out the last packs of whatever colors they had left and had it sewn in with one piece of thread. I think she may have gotten things backward because she definitely didn’t rock this craziness when she was performing with Xscape. That would’ve been better because now she just looks ridiculous for a woman who says she is interested in entering the business world and launching entrepreneurial projects. I could even get over the color if it weren’t for the terrible quality of hair. When women out here making $30K have a better weave game than she does, that’s a problem (on both ends, I know).

All I’m saying is, a mono-shade of brown would do this nearly 40-year-old woman a world of good. I know you’re only as old as you feel, but looking like you’re apart of your teenage daughter’s girl group—or Nicki Minaj when you’re not an artist in character—is a problem. Since she missed the milestone of her 37th birthday to make the change, I’m going to hope she finds some real friends within the next 365 days to make sure she doesn’t go into her 38th year with 18 inches of two-tone, techni-color strands dangling from her mane.

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind the Making of “Waiting to Exhale”
• Know Your Shape: The Best Hair Cuts For Every Face
• The Silent Killer: HPV Do You Have It?
• Evening Eye Candy: Maxwell
• You Know You Wrong For That! 6 Lies We Tell Our Girlfriends
• Single Black Male: Should Women Still Expect Men to Pay for Dates?
• NEVER STOP, NEVER GIVE UP: 7 Things You Should Never Stop Doing For A Woman