When Honesty Isn’t His Policy: Sometimes You Have to Listen To What A Man Is Not Saying

July 16th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Man with fingers crossed"

Source: Shutterstock.com

I’ve done a lot of things I’m reluctant to admit in public. Near the top of the list is the fact that I once dated a married man.

To be fair, he was from the Islands and only got married to gain citizenship. I had never heard of anyone doing such a thing (outside of that awful Sandra Bullock movie), but apparently he went to college in the United States and risked deportation after graduation. His girlfriend at the time offered to marry him so he could stay in the country. Three years later, when I met him, he had moved to a different state and she had moved on to another relationship. In fact, she had a two-year-old child with a new beau.

They were over, but he was still legally married. I had no idea and, unfortunately, he was one of those men willing to conceal the truth for his own selfish gain.

His name was Malcolm* and we worked in the same building downtown. We met while going through a revolving door. I agreed to a lunch date in the food court of our building that day and we ate lunch together every day after that.  I was only in the city for an internship and didn’t know anyone else, so he and I hung out all the time. He even took me on a trip to Myrtle Beach (and was floored when he realized that my celibacy pact applied to all fifty states, but that’s another story.)

Malcolm had told me all about his childhood and growing up on an island and the culture shock he had experienced after moving to the US. I knew his family was still living on the island and that he hadn’t been back to visit them, but I never thought to ask him any real details about how he was able to stay in the United States.  I just went about blindly being wined and dined by this man who was keeping an epic secret.

It was during one of our lunch dates nearly three months in that he told me the truth. I’ll never forget we were eating Stromboli from Sbarro’s when he looked at me solemnly and said: “I have to tell you something….I’m kind of married.”

Because marriage is not on some sort of sliding scale ranging from “very” to “not really”, I ignored the “kind of” part and sat there in stunned silence. I couldn’t understand how his marriage hadn’t come up in a single one of the hundreds of conversations we’d had since we met. I racked my brain trying to remember if something should have clued me in to this revelation. I couldn’t come up with anything.

He kept talking about how his marriage didn’t mean anything and how it really “didn’t count”. I don’t believe holy matrimony should be taken lightly and therefore wasn’t a bit comforted by his flippant attitude toward it. Besides, as it turned out, theirs wasn’t some drunken Vegas chapel shindig, officiated by Elvis and consummated in an abandoned truck outside of a seedy casino. They’d had a real wedding with the digital pictures to prove it. To make matters worse, he said they were in love at the time, but both pretty much knew that the marriage was one of convenience. When they broke up, he didn’t bother filing for divorce because I’m sure he didn’t want to raise any red flags with Immigration. They simply just went their separate ways with their marriage still on the books.

As for me? I was done.

You always hear the Maya Angelou quote (often erroneously attributed to Oprah): “The first time someone tells you who they are, believe them.” As someone who possessed a disconcerting knack for ignoring waving red flags on date number one only to be genuinely shocked when inevitable disaster struck months later, I knew that advice was for me. So, well before Malcolm, I had begun paying close attention to the things men said from the moment we met. I pointedly listened for the unambiguous “I never want to get married” or the stories that start with “When I was in prison,” or the casual Agnostic comment whenever I mentioned church.

What I didn’t know to do was listen for the things he wasn’t saying.

Sometimes, these things can be the extra toothbrush in his bathroom or the tattoo on his wrist bearing a female’s name or the fact that you’ve never met a single one of his friends or, in my case, some citizenship papers. The sad truth is that people are not always honest about who they are up front, at least not verbally. Some people will go to incredible lengths to conceal the truth until their truth finds them out or their conscience just can’t take it anymore. Others will simply withhold information until they’re specifically asked. It’s all intentional deceit and entirely too common.

Maybe I would have figured out the marriage thing had I asked more questions, but that’s something a person should come out with right away whether asked or not. He willingly kept me in the dark about that fact.

In the end, I didn’t reward Malcolm for his honesty by continuing to date him as he suggested I do. Instead I told him that being married, whether he felt it “counted” or not, was a deal breaker in my book and I only regretted that he wasted my time. I reminded him that there are plenty of women out here ready and willing to date someone else’s husband, but I wasn’t one of them.

His secret told me that he wasn’t trustworthy and, well, I believed him.

Have you ever found out someone you were dating was keeping a secret? How did you find out? How did you respond?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    A extreme example such of that mentioned above of what I call “double speak” doesn’t even need to be extreme to occur daily. Double speak is listening and hearing the words spoken AND unspoken. Unfortunately, it happens all to often and women AS WELL AS men are equally guilty of this.

    Please, say what you mean and mean what you say.

  • Kellzzzz

    You have to pay attn to what ppl tell yoy period point blank not just guys

  • Mia

    Been there and done that! I found out my ex was married when his wife called me. I was stunned! He lied about everything, including the number of children he had. Needless to say I was done. But get this, the wife started harassing my family and I because he manipulated her into thinking I was a sex crazed vixen who seduced him knowing he was married. I had to change my house/cell number, delete my email address, file a no contact order etc. They are still together, and my grandmother still gets harassing phone calls from his stupid wife every now and then.

  • guest2

    I was in 2 situations with married men. And both always referred to their wives as only being their “baby mommas”. The 1st even had me calling his house when he went home for lunch, and then he would stop by on his way to his 2nd job, he always had an excuse just in case his wife answered, saying his BM was crazy and always liking to start stuff when she dropped his son off. I found out through a friend that worked with him that not only was he married but he had FOUR kids with his wife, not just the 1 child he claimed to have. That lasted only maybe a month, and it wouldn’t have been that long if I hadn’t kept playing hard to get. The next I was actually in somewhat of a relationship with, and had known him while before he met his wife (another who claimed she was just his baby moma), we were close friends (he told me everything – supposedly) and he would actually not go home to another state on the weekends to spend time with me if I said I wanted to do something that weekend once we becamse more that friends. I just so happened to notice a ring sitting with his keys on the counter one evening at his house. I was hurt for a long time after that, I just knew we were perfect – friends 1st then much more. And mad that I had always vowed never to mess with married man because usually the wife doesnt’ deserve to be cheated on, and he never gave me that choice to not to since he withheld alot. I still can’t believe I didn’t see that coming, none of my friends did really; we went everywhere together

    • Kellzzzz

      I realize now that a married man or a man who is in an exclusive relationship will always downplay the relationship or the woman to get what he wants. Bottom line is he is still with her, he has no intentions of leaving her, and he is playing the victim to get some on the side…

  • Liedto2often

    I think with all the lies boyfriends had told me over the years, the one that stands out to me the most, and probably the only serious time I didn’t get upset was when me and one were gossiping one day and he told me he knew for certain another man was gay – because he ran into him in a gay club before, then he tried to come up with an excuse as to why he was in there himself. That was the moment that I realized that my friends’ hunches about him were probably right. I knew it was time to let that go on that level from that point on. Plus he lied about the craziest things on a regular basis… things I didn’t ask him about to begin with because I really didn’t care what he was doing. I think that was the only time a man continously lied to me and it really didn’t matter; at first I used to get mad he insulted my intelligence with his blatant lies but then it had just gotten funny and turned into something me and my friends had gotten together to laugh about daily.

  • No-trust

    yes…still married with about 10+ kids! living as a single man…said he was divorced which is probably true but he remarried. thanks to google…facebook and a host of free public records while conducting searches ti find all these details. ladies sad to say we in an age where you must be your own P.I. there is too many people concealing who they are and only tell you things you WANT to hear. I conduct thorough investigations on interested parties and still with this one I found out details years later. delete…block…and change numbers if you must.

  • SassyAssTJ

    “I have a friend” is the latest rave. Turns out the “friend” is getting GF treatment, i.e.: taking her calls while w me; no-showing bcuz the “friend” stopped by; or he was uneasy when I stopped by, etc. & when he got checked & was being held accountable for his words & NONwords, I was told I’m “too aggressive”. As women, we’ve got to ask the questions & be prepared to walk away when the crap does not add up. I tried it & feel empowered bcuz a person only will treat me how I ALLOW him to treat me. That old adage, “Treat others how u want to be treated” works bcuz when truth & honesty aren’t reciprocated, it’s so much easier to value & respect oneself. I’m free to be & it saves a LOT of TIME. Peace & Love

  • NolaDiva

    the author’s story and the topic are just a little off the mark for me. She stated that she was celibate and they were not therefore in an intimate relationship. Further, she also stated she was only living there for a short time. So to me, it was still cool for him to tell her when he did. I don’t quite understand her indignation. Why should he have done it sooner? They had not known each other that long and to be that personal. And if she wanted to know, why didn’t she ask him sooner? I understand reading silent clues but this story and the point she wanted to make don’t quite fit.

    • GalaxyEmpress

      Eh….. I disagree, the writer did the right thing, stuff like marriage and children are things that should be addressed immediately. There’s no telling what else that guy was conveniently omitting, the writer dodged a bullet.

    • Guest

      Whether He told her sooner or later, it does not change the fact that this man was MARRIED. If he would have told her the day he met her it wouldn’t have mattered, they still wouldn’t be together because that was a deal breaker for her, as it should be for all decent women.

    • bitoff

      I TOTALLY agree! She first starts out by saying she dated a married man, to shock. She then distances herself from the statement by minimizing the marriage and saying it was for convenience and then goes on to demonize the man she was dating for the same reasons she gave when trying to distance herself!

      So if I were to look at what the author is and is not saying either she was fishing for a way to make this story work with her experience or she appears to be a little confused. She cannot both excuse herself because the marriage wasn’t real and hold his feet to the fire because she takes marriage seriously.

      • Kellzzzz

        lmao.. yes and yes. Sounds to me like she was fishing for a story

      • Maria

        I agree !! this story doesn’t make sense and what holy matrimony is she talking about !? he got married with someone just for the papers, just to be able to stay in the USA and after that you cannot get divorce for 2 or 3 years

    • Kellzzzz

      I am with you on that one..

  • Candacey Doris

    I always listen when a guy tells me something. Sometimes it backfires on them. One guy told me he dealt drugs since he was 14. That was that. Turns out he was lying, which sucks for him. But if a guy says he is one way i believe him. I don’t want to hear “i told you so” later, or catch a bullet because i didn’t believe. No thanks.

  • Guest

    I was in a similar situation. I met a guy at my job while I was in college. We had been dating for a month before I found out he was married and had a child. He claimed that he was ashamed of his wife (really???). He then said that they were separated and getting a divorce, another lie. Four years later, he is still leaving me messages on Facebook trying to take me out to lunch all while still married And living with his wife. SMH.

  • DoinMe

    That picture is distracting. That guy looks like he has a bunch of ants marching around his neck.

    • Shugg

      lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/danyele.shelton Danyele Shelton

      LMAO!!!

  • curiosity.killed.the.cat

    Hmm good post. Cant say I’ve been in the same situation but I always follow my gut instincts when I meet guy bc there is always more than meets the eye. These are the things that make you say hmmm.

  • ThisChick

    This is an interesting post. Sadly this I one of the very things that scares me about dating. I’m so open and honest about my life and the things I do that I kind of assume others are too. I’ve never actually found anything out but my last boyfriend was very secretive about things which scared me a lot. I ended things a few months ago because he was hard to trust. Still to this day I wonder about the things he never told me or lied about.

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