The Time I was Sexually Assaulted…by a Woman

July 12th, 2012 - By Veronica Wells

Source: newblackman.blogspot.com

It was a Friday. A great day for our family. We had just witnessed my sister walk across the stage during her  “black graduation” ceremony. It was a beautiful, emotionally draining experience. I would have been content to go back to my sister’s place, watch a little tv and crash. But the graduate wanted to celebrate. I wasn’t feeling it, but I didn’t want to deny her this opportunity or have her out in the streets by herself. So after a little power nap, I got myself ready to go.

Thank God we got in for free, because this club experience was not a great one. I was tired and the music was sub par. Still, I tried to hang in there for my sister, who by the way wasn’t having the greatest time either. We agreed that we would leave at 2 am. At 1:50 one of my sister’s best friends, and fellow graduates, danced up to her, announcing her presence in the club. Seconds later, another friend came up. Their squeals and hugs let me know that we weren’t going to be leaving at 2. I didn’t say anything but decided, I’d give her a bit more time. I set the new exit time for 2:15 am.

After standing, looking off into space for the last 25 minutes, I was ret to go! I showed my sister the time and told her I was ready to make a move for the door. My sister walked around the entire club…twice saying goodbye to all her friends. And then she realized she’d left someone out. Her “manfriend,” as she calls him. He’d gotten us into the club for free. It was only right that we say our proper goodbyes. Once we found him he said he was going to walk out with us. My sister lead the way to the door. I followed behind her, holding her hand like a disgruntled toddler and the manfriend walked behind me.

We were just a couple of feet from the door when I felt someone grab a nice handful of my booty meat and then pat it. Now, my butt protrudes a little bit so people and objects are constantly bumping into it, so for a split second I thought this could have been an accident. But then I recalled the sickening sensation. A distinct grab, followed by a distinct pat. I kept walking, just a couple more steps so I could turn around and see… and confront the perpetrator.

I turned around to see a clearly inebriated, androgynous person at the bar, giving me the seductive/predatory stare I’ve come to associate with rude men. I had to squint to determine the gender. And once I did, I could feel my eyes enlarge as I realized that was a woman. A woman, trying very hard to pass as a man, but a woman nonetheless.

If there was any doubt left in my mind, my sister’s manfriend erased it.
“That was weird.”
I turned to him in a mix of confusion and frustration, “That was a woman, right?!?”
“Yeah.”
“I was wondering why you didn’t do anything!…It was a woman.”

This was the first time such a thing had happened to me. And I don’t mean people putting their hands on me in public either. I’ve had to snatch up or cuss out a few little boys who thought it was ok to grab me. I mean, this was the first time someone grabbed me and I was too shocked and hurt to respond.

From the time we’re little girls, we’re warned about the potentially shady, wolfish nature of some (!) men. We’re told not to be too sexually suggestive around them, not to let them in too soon, to protect ourselves around strange ones–and even familiar ones–at all times.

I didn’t receive those warnings about women.

Normally, after such humiliating and degrading attacks, I’m simply infuriated. After this one, I was hurt and confused. As a fellow woman, the grabber must have received those same cautionary  messages about men. Why then, did she feel it was appropriate to assault me like that? I just didn’t understand why a woman, someone who’s most likely experienced the objectification of her body, would inflict that same type of pain onto another, a fellow woman. The power of sexual attraction and alcohol be damned. It didn’t make sense. Honestly, it still escapes me. It’s sad when we’re confronted with yet another way human beings fall short when it comes to morality. But if that woman taught me anything, it’s that, unfortunately, anybody, man, woman, gay or straight, can be a predator. Every woman doesn’t see herself as your co-feminist/womanist in the struggle, and no matter where you are, you have to protect yourself at all times.

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  • Varinda L.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I too have been sexually mistreated by females, in my family. My mother used to smack my butt and touch my breasts sometimes, from when I was about 12 until I was 25. It only stopped when I went away to college, and then resumed when I moved back home. I finally moved out last year, and before that, I could only get her stop by threatening physical harm. My cousin who is a year older also made me fondle her breasts when I was 11 and she was 12.

    I’ve never told anybody because being raised in a single parent home, there was no one else there to help me. I grew up feeling like a freak, and it took me a long time to heal.

    I wish that more of us could have a safe place to tell our story and get help, so that not one boy or girl, man or woman will have to face sexual abuse, assault or mistreatment. The world kicks us around enough; why should we have to be kicked around by our own kind.

    O Creator, please heal us all. Ashe.

  • http://www.hontasfarmer.com/ Hontas Farmer

    I was raped when I was 14. I am transgender male to female. What happened to you is not sexual assault. It was in appropriate. Your writing reeks of transphobia more than anything. You were touched by a transgender man, female to male. While that person did not respect you by touching you, please respect the whole group of us by using the proper pronouns.

    • vwells1

      I’m not sure how you might have gotten transphobia from this; but that was not my intention. Furthermore, how are we to assume that this woman was a transgendered man? Because she wore men’s clothing? I don’t know if she was in the process of having surgery, what her story was etc. All I know is her behavior was inappropriate and, based on the legal and social definitions, assault.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/2SPEKPPLAG5CJCDSCXMDSH2AOM Likewaterforchocolate

    I don’t like when women do that stuff or harass you in the ladies room. A chick touched my butt in the ladies room while I was at the sink washing my hands. I feel like the ladies room shoudl be a safe place for all women to not be harassed. It’s unfair because we are all women and allowed to be in the ladies room and they are taking advantage.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/TYVXTGRPYCYUUF4OUG6Z6EACTQ 35 Bravo

    Stud women. They dress like men and emulate what they perceive as a man. However SHE is till a WOMAN. For many stud fem relationships I have been around, the “fem” wears the pants as the stud is often the one with deep seeded insecurities….

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  • Poppa1050

    To paraphrase Chuck D, every sista, ain’t a sista.

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  • lotus flower

    I was horrified by what I read. I can relate because I too was assaulted by an older female cousin. I was 9 years old and my cousin asked me if I knew what a clotoris was. I said no,thinking that it was some new toy. She said come here and ill show you. The next thing I knew she pushed me into a closet. Took her shorts off and jumped on me, covered my mouth with her hand and raped me in that closet. It took me years to tell my mom and to forgive not only her but myself as well.

  • MLS2698

    What do you expect in a club? High values? Respect? IJS

    • vwells1

      I expect not to be violated. I’ve been to plenty of clubs where I was respected.

      • MLS2698

        Why do you play dual roles? I knew you would jump out of your author’s box on that one. Anyway, go to places that aren’t meat markets, and maybe your protruding ” booty meat” won’t be kneaded. Back to the box witcha’

      • MLS2698

        Don’t you hate it when people have something smart to say, and you can’t respond the way you want to? It’s just entertainment, nothing personal.

  • Dcarter910

    It’s wrong when men do it and it is wrong when women do it.
    People these days are completely consumed by their sexual appetites and it is getting rapidly worse.

  • FromUR2UB

    What makes a woman think she can exhibit behaviors that are unacceptable for men? That’s what I don’t get: why women who don’t like men, imitate them and the worst of their behaviors?

    • MLS2698

      I think if she had confronted IT, a fight would have ensued, and that thang would have knocked her out! Club behavior.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    These stud women are just as if not more aggressive than the men. Scary situation. *shakes head in disgust*

  • LawGirl713

    I am going to be the villain here. First, I am sorry for whatever have happened to you because no one deserves to be touched in an unwanted manner. However, as a woman who was forcibly raped by a stranger 18 years ago who has never been caught, I am offended that you would use the term “sexual assault”. I am currently an advocate for abused children, who have also been raped or molested in a manner that is far more worse than what you have encountered. I am not trying to invalidate your feelings, but, this is in NO way the same as a person who has been raped or a child who has been forced to commit sexual acts. Most women, who have been in a club environment has had someone touch their behind or breast, be it accidentally or intentionally. I can’t identify with you; but it seems to me that you are more offended that a woman touched you, than you were at the fact that a stranger had violated your body. Again, I apologize for coming across as rude – but, if you were in my survivors of sexual assault class, those women would be offended that you would even parallel your “butt grope” with their forcible vaginal/anal rape.

    • lou

      lawgirl713, i could not disagree with you more. it’s essential to acknowledge different experiences of physical and sexual violation: of course a butt grope is not on par with vaginal or anal rape. but it is sexual assault. any unwanted touching of your body by another human being is assault. your stance is the same one that leads young girls to feel like they do not have the power or space to speak out against men who verbally assault them when they walk up and down their own blocks, or grab their bodies uninvited. As someone who has experienced being physically touched when i did not want to be, i absolutely felt diminished and assaulted. no, I would never walk into a sexual assault class and put that experience on par with rape, but it is assault (on that note i’m curious as to where you are getting your very clear definitions of assault from).

      also – i think the author states that she felt upset because a woman, who she would hope could identify with objectification, had touched her – not that she was upset just because this was a woman.

      • vwells1

        Thank you lou! I was going to respond but I couldn’t have said it any better.

      • LG713

        Madame Noire, thanks for NOT posting my response clarifying my statements. I also find it interesting that while my response was not approved, the article mysteriously was changed as well. Wow. I see no point allowing people to discuss if you exclude responses that undermine the article…to change the article and undermine the posters.

        • PA-TX

          I get where you were coming from and I don’t think you were minimizing her violation. I’m not sure either if sexual assault is the right choice of words. Lawyer’s input needed!

      • PA-TX

        I agree with lawgirl713. I expected, based on the title and use of the term “sexual assault”, that there was some type of rape or mutilation or even an attempt at it. I’m no lawyer so I don’t know what legally constitutes an assault of any form, but this seems more like sexual harassment… a precursor to sexual assault or abuse. I assume lawgirl is some type of lawyer or law student, so maybe she or some one else could clarify the term “sexual assault” from a legal standpoint. If every butt/boob groper or “cat-caller” could be charged with assault, the county jails would be overflowing. What if the author had danced/talked with the girl first or it had been one of her friends? Would her reaction and labeling of assault be different?

        I am disgusted and shocked by the woman’s blatant disrespect for the author. The author was no doubt violated, humiliated and harassed, and no one should deem that behavior acceptable. The take away point is that any form of uninvited sexual contact is inappropriate. If we tolerate any type of violation (i.e. not stand up for ourselves or at least file a complaint), then it can lead to further abuse/violence.

    • Shay

      LawGirl713, I’m so sorry you ever had to experience something so horrific in your life. I pray that the counseling you received helped you on the path of recovery. I do agree with you that after reading the title, I thought the author was raped as well. Even though her experience was not as violent as yours, the author was indeed violated, which makes it as significant. Some fool thought it was okay to force themselves onto someone else. I have never been groped by another women, but I can relate. A year ago, I was at a friend’s party where one of our acquaintances grabbed my breast. I knew he was drunk, but I told him that if he did it again, I would stab him. I also told a male friend of mine, because not only did I feel violated, but I felt unsafe. If he had the nerve to do that to me in a pubic place, what else would he try to do to me? I refused to visit or attend any functions I knew he would attend.

    • FromUR2UB

      Wow. YOU are an advocate for abused children, yet you don’t think that someone putting their hand on your body in a sexually suggestive manner, without invitation, is not a form of abuse??? Then you minimize a “butt grope” as if that’s nothing? What nerve! I think you may be in the wrong field, because obviously, you lack the sensitivity to counsel on a subject that is already “touchy”, pun intended.

    • Amija James

      Yeah, I kind of expected something else when I read the story. Maybe sexually harassed is better?

    • TAYRAT

      i TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU.WHEN I READ THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING ELSE.OF COURSE NOBODY WANTS TO BE TOUCHED IN ANY UNWANTED MANNER BY ANYBODY.BUT THERE´S A HUGE DIFFERENCE FROM WHAT THE AUTOR EXPERIENCED AND A SEXUAL ASSAULT.THIS IS A PERSONAL OPINION.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bernice-Roach-Benbow/1117565627 Bernice Roach Benbow

    WOW!! I must say, my stomach was sicken reading this!!! I can fully understand your shock and disgust!! Sure, I’ve been hit on by women, but never touched and violated like this, they keep it moving, but even that is a temporary shock to the brain! Something like this would be a lasting memory!!

  • Crystal

    I usually comment on facebook, but I didn’t want the assaulter to see. Anyways when I was 10 I developed rather rapidly. I went to my aunts house for a family gathering. I was in the back playing with my cousins when my two older female cousins, one 17 and the other 25, approached me about my developing body. I was shy about it and didn’t want to discuss it. Then they tackled me, one held me down while the other grabbed my breasts and butt. I screamed and cried and they told me to stop being a baby and it’s okay for females to do that to each other. I knew I felt weird and uncomfortable about it but I never spoke up. I just told my mom about it a few months ago, I’m 21 now. I brought it up because one of my cousins did it again at my sisters house and I told her never touch me again. Then we got into an argument and she tried to act like I was over reacting….we need to teach young girls that it is never okay for anyone of any gender to grope or fondle you.

    • vwells1

      Wow Crystal. Thank you so much for sharing this. We need to start discussing incidents like this.

    • Msmykimoto2u

      Y are u friends with them on FB?

      • http://profile.yahoo.com/2SPEKPPLAG5CJCDSCXMDSH2AOM Likewaterforchocolate

        I was wondering that as well, but it appears that they are relatives and folks often friend relatives on FB although they never speak to them.

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  • Nikki

    I recently had a woman at church slap me on my butt…yes…at church…and I made sure that I let her know immediately that I didn’t play that. I told her if she ever did it again, I would knock her out…church or no church…