Cat Got Your Tongue? An Open Letter To People Who Act Like They Can’t Speak

July 13th, 2012 - By Clarke Gail Baines

Source: brotherswithnogame.com

Hello. How are you? And what the hell is your problem?

That is what I always want to say to you individuals who walk into the office of my job, the home of my mother (as a guest of a sibling or other family members), or who I KNOW I’ve met on a different occasion who probably remember me too, BUT DON’T SPEAK. No “Hello, I’m looking for…” no “Hey, how you doing?” and not even a doggone head nod that without words still shows you acknowledge those around you. Cat got your tongue?

Allow me to blow off some steam real quick. I don’t know about anybody else, but my mother always taught me that when you walk into other people’s homes, or anything that doesn’t belong to you and find yourself exposed to others, you should be ready and willing to throw a greeting someone’s way. And movies like Don’t Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood taught me, in simpler yet hood-complex terms, that fools need to make themselves known when they roll up in someone’s spot. Point. Blank. Period.

Yet and still, I’ve watched in awe as the friends of my nieces and nephews waltzed into my mother’s home on Thanksgiving evening and barely opened up their mouths as they made jokes that only my niece could hear. I’ve watched people with a false sense of entitlement walk into an office full of folks and just start waltzing around, staring into glass offices, looking for people like they own the place instead of simply saying, “Hi, sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for ___.” Instead, somebody has had to end up saying, sometimes in a hostile manner, “CAN I HELP YOU!?”

And who else has tried to smile, wave or say hello to someone they’ve worked with on a project, met at an event, know through mutual friends and more, only to have them play you like Boo Boo The Fool? My first full-time job and whole college experience was filled with moments where I would slave over a project with a classmate, joke about the most random of things in the process and get a good grade together,  only to have that individual pass me at the gym, walking on campus, or in a new class and pretend they hadn’t seen me before and didn’t know me from Adam. Sadly, I can count about one person (outside of the black people I worked with in Afro-American Literature classes only because of a lack of diversity) who actually made a conscious effort to greet me and talk like we were old friends outside of assignments. What’s more sad is, he’s become one of those Anti-Obama ranters who acts a damn fool on Facebook and make me wonder if I should delete them from my friends list quickly and quietly before November…And don’t get me started on the folks that sit next to you in cubicles but will see you on the street and be ready to walk in the opposite direction.

I’m not asking for a “HEY GIRL HEY!” or something over-the-top, stereotypical or something that requires me to divulge everything that has happened in my life since I last saw you, but Lawd knows I hate trying to be the bigger person to say hello to a phony baloney individual who tried to walk past me with their head down on the sly like our eyes didn’t meet. Nor do I appreciate having to ask a guest who they are when they are walking up into my ish, or place of work. I know technology has made a few folks scary about having human interaction and you’d prefer to text me “hello,” but lack of home training also lends itself as a reason why anyone would find this behavior okay. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t speak, but it sure as hell is rude. Please, do better.

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  • Big Mike

    What is this whiny crap? Grow some thick skin, people! Here’s a truth: EVERYONE IS NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU! I don’t care how wonderful you think you are. Learn to deal with it.

    I don’t speak to everyone first, each and every time we come across each other. But guess what? I don’t get angry or offended if someone doesn’t speak to me first! People have things on their minds, or just have laser focus on where they are currently going or on their current tasks. Doesn’t mean they are bad people. As long as they have a general level of respect for their fellow neighbors, we’re good, IMO.

    At work, what i try to do is speak before I need to ask for something. I may not have spoken earlier, but before i ask for something, I make sure i say “Hello, how are you?” first. I feel that’s the best way to go about it. Everyone is not the shuckin and jivin type.

    As far as going into people’s homes – yes, you should speak to everyone there. You are a guest.

  • amansview

    Being an anti-Obama ranter has nothing to do with the point of the article.

    • LadyLark

      Neither does your comment… It’s her article, she can make whatever point she wants. Plus I think she was leading to the point that she’s friendly towards people withwhom she doesn’t even share political viewpoints. 2cents (save it it may accrue interest)

  • amansview

    (1) You never know what battles someone may be fighting interiorly.
    (2) I have noticed that black women tend not to return a smile when you give them a friendly, non-lecherous smile.

  • http://www.facebook.com/chelseawi Chelsea Patrice Wiley

    I agree with speaking when entering someones home, when I was a kid or anyone else and walked in my grandparents house, my grandfather would say “get the hell back outside” lol he put a stop to that. Going in an office sometimes I’ll speak, but if Im upset going there I dont want to be asked ANYTHING by anyone except by the individual Im there for. And with it being another Black person, for some reason Im too scared to speak, I want to but I just smile. One Black lady actually tried to school me on speaking to my people, saying I NEED to do it 0_o umm okay

  • anonymous

    Maybe a lot of people are just shy and/or awkward. We have such an independent society that it’s easy for people to go for long periods and not really interact with others. I think our social skills get out of whack w/o practice and we become unsure of ourselves. I think I’m just going to assume that and keep initiating and forgive myself for doing it in the past for those reasons.

  • wveronica7

    I cannot stand when my cousins girlfriends come into my grandma’s house and don’t speak. It is so rude and disrespectful!

  • http://twitter.com/MrsNicoleP2 NicoleP

    I do it often I hate to speak to people I especially do it at church. Its also a defense mechanism for me I really don’t want to hear any gossip or who’s doing what, when, where or how so not speaking helps people keep all that mess on there on turf (that just in my opinion).

  • karmellkreem

    yes! Had a coworker once who would literally ride up in the elevator with me, and wouldn’t speak to me until I was in the office, and then thought I was supposed to speak first. I had a BBQ on the 4th, to which this aquaintance of my niece invited himself. Sat at my house without speaking, until I went over and asked who he was, identified myself as the homeowner, and explained it was rude for him to not even say hello, would you mind if I stayed. fast forward a week, I’m with my niece and see the same damn kid. he speaks to her and not me. I would really like to have a convo w/ his parents.

    • KamJos

      Your niece should have introduced her friend though.

  • lamikedalton

    We’ve developed an inherent rudeness in our culture. I have similar experiences on a daily basis. As a black male, I find its worse with women in my own community. Its like speaking first is beneath folk. I’ll be the only black guy in the room, and she’ll be the only black woman, and speaking to each other seems not to be an option for either of us. I guess I just joined the rude-too good for you-crew. I learned it from “them” though. It almost feels wrong to speak, knowing I may not get an acknowledgement back. oh well.

    • initiating

      This is funny because when I’m in these situations I think oh man I’m the only black girl this is the only black guy. I’m supposed to talk to them and I hate feeling like I’m supposed to talk to someone just because of their race. I don’t think I’m too good. Anyway I probably need to work on this. I just get shy in these situations. Then I think why do I have to initiate? Why can’t they initiate? because I used to greet people and feel like I was the one initiating all the time and then I was like maybe they don’t want to speak to me. So I stopped. I guess maybe when people don’t initiate maybe they are thinking the same thing. Maybe I’ll go back to initiating and just assume others are shy as well.

    • Darcampb

      I thought the focus of the article was about people you actually know or strangers in your home , rather than random strangers on the street

  • http://www.facebook.com/iamalissakelly4u Alissa Kelly

    All that is straight rude but what gets me: the people that like you so much on Facebook, always have something to say but when they see you in public they don’t say ish to you. I hate that!

  • science1

    Hometraining 101 was skipped by many, sad to say..

  • Sher

    Church is worse. They greet you on the road, but as soon as they see you at church, especially if they are among their friends, they pretend they don’t know you with an air of sophistication. Well, I make note of the faces and ignore them thereafter. SMH. False pride!

    • http://twitter.com/MrsNicoleP2 NicoleP

      Sher I just said the same thing about church as well. Its sad I rarely even speak to my Brothers and Sisters they have told me about it too and I still do it. My Mom on the other hand I call her the (Red Cross) she will speak and start talking to you like she known you forever. I’m just not going to be able to do it Jesus is really going to have to help me with this one.:)

  • Susie Q

    Oh my goodness, I was just pondering on this issue yesterday!!!!
    I was brought up in a household were if you didn’t say ‘good morning” to everyone you encountered on your way to the bathroom or breakfast was an automatic tongue lashing from mom or dad.LOL..
    I am the only female in a office of 12 guys…. I always make sure I say “good morning, what’s up or how you doin” to start the day on a happy note.But I noticed if I dont initiate this,the guys will walk past my office as if i’m invisable without saying a word.
    I know everyone is not a morning person,but were are the manners.
    Then they’ll come to me minutes later asking questions about things they need as if I just appeared out of the sky..LOL…

  • JustSayin’

    Sorry for typos…

  • JustSayin’

    My mother in law thinks she can come in my place and not say hi or even acknowledge me. That’s fine with me, I just let my husband deal with her, I was raised to never disrespect or make anyone uncomfortable in their own home. She’s upset over an incident that she brought in herself over a year and expects me to apologize. Is she being rude? Yes, do I care? No, because it’s OUR house and I’m not about to feel bad about she acts, at the end of day she’s the one that is uncomfortable, I just let my husband deal with her.

  • Darcampb

    When I attended my all white college, I found my white classmates to do the completely ignore you outside of class( regardless of how friendly you were in the classroom) thing the most. Then when you basically force a hello out of them, it’s an barely audible unsmiling grunt while barely looking at you . After that I stopped speaking to acquaintances in public unless I knew them well enough to classify them as friends .

    • KamJos

      Happened at my PWI too. Then they complained that all the Blacks segregated themselves. How can I be your friend when you don’t even say hi?

  • jay el

    Walking into someone’s home- Yes. Office? I’m on the fence. I guess it depends on the situation. If I know where I’m going and who I need to see, I don’t need to speak to the extras hanging around the office.

  • sabrina

    The pretending like a person doesn’t know you when they know damn well you guys talked multiple times before whether in class, the dorms, etc is all too real. People would do that ALL THE TIME when I was in school and I would just be like “ain’t this about a b…” “Not to sound racist but…” I just assumed it was the way of some white people since they were the ones who were the culprits at my school lol

  • taz

    Happens to me all the time. It made me start thinking maybe im too nice and I started not being bothered to go out of my way with a friendly hello as familiar faces pass by me. it just discourages people from continuing to say hello after being ignored.

  • just_kellz

    This article hits home for me because I had to learn this lesson the hard way……when I started dating my ex I’d go over his house all the time but out of shyness never speak to his family unless I was spoken to…..later on realizing they hated me & found me rude for not speaking! Lol it was my fault but I learned this lesson later in life and totally agree with you….it is so rude not to greet ppl especially when ur coming into their space (house, office, etc.) Great article.

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      SAME HERE, SAME HERE, SAME HERE, I BLAMED THEM FOR A MIN……….

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