What, You Don’t Trust Me? What I Learned From ALMOST Being Pressured Into Unprotected Sex

July 12, 2012  |  

By La Truly 

The other day, I had a conversation with my sister that opened my eyes to my own blaring stupidity which could have cost me my life. I was telling her about a guy I once met randomly, had absolutely nothing in common with – except purely animated physical attraction, but clung to him because he was fun and I didn’t want to be lonely. Our values didn’t parallel one another and our goals were… well, I knew mine… I never really got around to asking (or really caring) what his were. Things were light, fun and great. Then, this one particular day he decided to press the issue of unprotected sex. His argument for it included the following quotables:

“Well, you know I stopped messin’ with other people for you.”

“I get tested.”

“If you’re saying you want to be with me but you don’t want to have sex with me without a condom I feel like you’re saying there’s something wrong with me.”

“It just feels better without a condom.”

“I feel like you’re saying you don’t trust me.”

How did I tell him that HECK NO, I really didn’t trust him but I wanted him around? Should I just go ahead and take him at his word? He said he was clean and he wouldn’t lie to me…would he?

I knew that I never really trusted him because of the ladies’ man I knew him to be and his absolute love of sex. I knew that he lied to me constantly about other women, whether by omission or not. I knew that he was incapable of being completely faithful. I knew that he was trying to turn the whole situation around on me, as if my forethought for my own health was totally absurd and a slap in the face to him.

He ended up leaving promptly after I simply refused to answer him. My being speechless was more a product of bewilderment than defiance. And I have to admit, after he left I felt lonely, glad and stupid all at once. Lonely, obviously because he had left me alone and I knew that we would never recover our carefree relationship. Glad, because I had not allowed his incessant pressure to make me do something that very well could have changed my life for the worst. And I felt stupid because although I refused unprotected sex, I did so without assertively telling him exactly what I thought of him and his lowdown tactics. I despised the way he tried to make me feel guilty, totally disregarding my concerns. No, I didn’t trust him but I felt horrible even THINKING to tell him that. Why was I so worried about his feelings? If he had stayed another moment, would I have given in? How strong a woman was I really? My mind was reeling with thoughts, questions and ‘What ifs?’

In reflectively discussing the situation with my sister many months later, she said something deep about it all:

“Men make decisions about women all the time without one thought for their feelings. They’ll end a relationship for any reason when they get ready and move on without caring. Why do we, as women, tiptoe around, trying to be careful and spare men’s feelings when they don’t care to do the same for us?”

That hit me with such force. I had dodged a bullet through ‘just enough’ willpower, not through assertive ‘protect-myself-by-any-means-necessary’ force. I didn’t lay out the facts for him: That I knew he couldn’t possibly ‘settle down,’ that he was a liar and a manipulator and that I had so foolishly tried to override all of those facts for fear of losing his carefree companionship. I had been a fool. I had been a fool blessed that he left when he did. Blessed that the “relationship” ended where it did. Blessed that I could see my obvious weaknesses and begin to apply strength in those areas.

Since then I’ve been a whole lot less concerned with being alone. Self-improvement has occupied that time and space and I’ve learned one valuable lesson:

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Never put up with being bullied or ‘guilted’ into a relationship decision because you’re afraid of being alone. Those moments of weakness will chip away at your self-worth, your ability to make clear choices and even at your health.

If a man cannot respect my timing, my decisions and my values when it comes to MY body, he is not the man for me. I didn’t value myself enough to assert those points back then, but now… Honey, listen… they know from the gate so they can never say that I didn’t make it clear.

AIDS and other STDs are real and they are singlehandedly one of the biggest killers of our community. I have no desire to be a careless victim. In my opinion, it’s better to be safe, lonely and living than to be sorry, lied-to and dying. And I’ve got so much to live for.

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  • Natasha

    After reading your article l found the courage to write this:

    Words can’t express the way you made me feel last night, I was so upset. Two weeks ago l had a heart felt and truthful conversation with you about the subject of unprotected sex. Even going to the extent of sharing 2 personal stories (that l have never shared with anyone) about my uncle and my recent scare that lead me to decide that the ONLY man l will have unprotected sex with is my husband. But it is clear to me now that your sexual gratification is much more important which l simple find selfish.

    If you cannot respect my decisions and my values when it comes to MY body, then you’re definitely not the man for me, you can’t entice or force me into doing something l don’t want to. It’s never going to happen so don’t let the door hit you on your way out. Because I’m not compromising my principles for you or anyone else.

  • KIR12

    I don’t know what’s crazier. You wanting applause or getting applause for not letting a BUM bust inside you.

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  • Nope

    9 times out of 10 a woman knows exactly when she’s going to have
    sex. It’s premeditated for her, whereas a man just has to be ready and go with
    the flow. That’s why I say most men are NOT going to turn down sex if he is
    told to wear a condom. He already did and said whatever it took to get you
    naked, he’s not going to turn down what he wants because of a thin piece of rubber.
    IMO, most women relent because they want to be liked and he makes her feel good
    emotionally, whether it’s real or not. But hey I guess all these kids are just
    dropping from the sky, and these STDs are being transmitted through eye contact
    huh?

  • curiosity.killed.the.cat

    Well written. I’m glad that you stood your ground w/ him.

  • lalatarea

    I’ve been there. “you don’t trust me”? ME, “uh no, the only people i trust with my health are me and my doctor and you DON’T look like a middle aged indian man”! he refused to even talk to me cuz i demanded we get tested together before sex is even an option. clearly he had something to hide.

  • Soso

    love love LOVE THIS!!!!!

  • Meena

    This guy that I was talking to not only just got out of prison for 3 years but he told me that he makes his girls get on birth control because he doesn’t use condoms at all…got my number changed!!

  • theotherside

    Women will also make decisions without caring about how the man feels. Let a marriage go bad, and they will try to destroy the man emotionally and financially without pity. It goes both ways.

    • Kay

      Are you a man ?

    • MLS2698

      I would never destroy a man emotionally, but I will financially break a man down to parade rest.

  • BlackOnBlack

    im sorry but i dont trust a man who argues with me about me refusing unprotected sex

    • This kind of situation really brings out someone’s true character.

  • YouKNOWit

    aids is real,stds and pregnacy and is real, people forget out that in the heat of the moment- but they remember when they have a disease. are those moments of pleasure worth YEARS of battling a serious illness

  • Nope

    Women will eventually have unprotected sex with whatever man makes them feel special. I’ve never, ever, ever heard of a man flat out refuse to have sex because he is ‘forced’ to wear protection.

    • What a blind generalization.

      • Nope

        ….. AND, most people that have been in a long term relationship (or not) have gone raw – with no tests taking place. When it comes to protected sex people tend to SAY all of the right things, but the statistics and clinics tell a completely different story.

    • Kay

      That special feeling isn’t going to be there when your laid up with Aids. So I disagree, the only man you should have unprotected sex with your husband.

      • Nope

        “Should” and reality ain’t exactly matching up these days.

        • Kay

          And that is extremely sad.

  • gracie

    Nice article.

  • sabrina

    In the words of Beyonce…*clears throat*…”Thank God you blew it. I thank God [you] dodged a bullet.”
    But in all honesty, that’s just scary to me. That men will really not give a damn about their personal health and safety and try to coerce a girl into feelng the same way.

  • Nneka Marie

    Yes ma’am to all this especially, “Men make decisions about women all the time without one thought for
    their feelings. They’ll end a relationship for any reason when they get
    ready and move on without caring. Why do we, as women, tiptoe around,
    trying to be careful and spare men’s feelings when they don’t care to do
    the same for us.” If that ain’t the cold, hard truth…

    • MLS2698

      I never tip toe about anything. I make sure EVERYONE knows where I stand; they can take it or leave it. Yup, that’s the truth. I feel like the worst thing a woman can do is be indecisive or doubt laden.