Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down: Why Your Career Aspirations Shouldn’t Take A Backseat To Your Relationship

August 2nd, 2012 - By Desire Thompson

While soaking in the summer sun and reading news articles on my phone a couple of weeks ago, something caught my eye. It wasn’t about the record breaking heat wave we were going through across the country, or Mitt Romney getting booed at the NAACP for stating he would repeal Obamacare if elected, it was Katie Holmes. Why you ask? Well if you don’t own a TV or care about celebrities, then you probably don’t know that Katie Holmes divorced actor Tom Cruise after five years of marriage. While people are stating different reasons for the split, many have started focusing on her career and how it may be affected after her divorce is final. Affected in a good way that is.

Reports near and far said she would be able to star in bigger budget films, and that the end of her relationship could be a whole new beginning for the star. She’s already nabbed a few new roles in movies coming out this year and next year, and she just seems more of the “It” girl in mainstream media. Now, I don’t follow Holmes’s career, but I do think that it’s strange for people to only become successful after everything else in their life falls apart. The same situation happened with Cruise’s last wife, Nicole Kidman. Post their divorce in 2001, Kidman blew up huge in her acting career, even going on to win an Academy Award for her role in The Hours just a year later. That’s a huge achievement for a woman who had to just put on a smile and wave while her superstar husband soaked up all the fame and notoriety. Women can be successful in their relationships, but also in their careers just as much as men can be if there is enough focus on it.

The idea of the career-orientated woman is something that was almost extinct just a couple of decades ago. In the past, women were often viewed as more domestic and less worried about their careers than men. Many institutions like the University of Michigan and the Bureau of Labor Statistics have put ladies in that very box with studies showing that women have been somewhat ‘forced’ into the role of a maid, having to do all the cleaning, cooking and more in a home. The Bureau of Labor Statistics found that in 2006, 84 percent of women spent time managing the home rather than their careers.

Just six years later things are looking up. More women are making big changes in almost everything including business, government, entertainment and sports.

In a study from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), women of color (African American, Hispanic, Asian and Native American) make up 14.5 percent of the American workforce, and African American women are in the lead with 7.6 percent in the workforce.

Your goals and that gutsy mindset shouldn’t be skewed by your relationship, or the fact that you’re in a relationship. Sometimes we as women take on other goals and responsibilities in a relationship and when it’s over, we feel that we gave up or missed out on so much through too many sacrifices. It’s time to focus on ourselves and not bypass the goals we set for someone else so that their light can shine while ours only dims.

We hear the heartbreaking songs from Adele, and Mary J. about how love has scorned them and how they moved on. Their experiences turn into melodies, melodies into songs, and songs into success. But I digress here. Your career isn’t given a death sentence because you’re in a relationship, and at the same time, your work isn’t your life and your life isn’t work. But the more time you put into the things that you want, the more fulfilled you will feel (and the less resentful). Sadly, there aren’t too many people who feel this way.

In the June issue of The Atlantic, the cover read “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.” The article was written by Anne-Marie Slaughter, current international affairs professor at Princeton, and she believes that women can’t be successful and have a stable marriage and regular life.  She left her job as the policy director for the State Department in Washington D.C. because trying to maintain her job got in the way of raising her 14-year-old son. Some questions that came to mind were, where was the balance in her relationships? Why wasn’t the spouse or father of her son helping? The article doesn’t answer these questions at all, but it does bring up the continued conversation on success in relationships and ultimately “having it all.” Does that mean that you have the perfect marriage, or perfect children? If so, is it really even possible to “have it all”?

Success is something that not just women, but men want to have. Balance, understanding and support in a relationship can mean all the difference in getting to your goal instead of pushing it back. You shouldn’t have to continuously put your hopes and goals on hold so your significant other can solely reach theirs. Why can’t you both be a success together?

What do you think? Do you believe that it’s impossible to be able to focus on a career in a relationship? Or is it better to be single and work towards your goals?

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  • Kayo

    No woman should ever put her career on hold for a relationship. The likelihood that a man would do the same for a woman is pretty much nonexistent.

  • CarlaKah

    I’ve been called selfish for declining an evening with my bf’s because i needed to study. I will tell you right now. A man who fitsa woman with ambition is one that loves and supports her ambition. If he wants you to “tone it down”, he wants you to be someone else. As long as you can, you should grow and the ones that grow with you deserve to stay.

  • adrina

    “Sometimes we as women take on other goals and responsibilities in a relationship and when it’s over, we feel that we gave up or missed out on so much through too many sacrifices”
    And this is why you shouldn’t do it.
    Look at Jenny Sanford (former !st lady of SC), who quit her career to help her husband’s, Mark Sanford. He had a mistresss for 10 years! and they were married for 20…not saying this will happen, but you will feel resentment especially when half of your life has passed you by. Depending on how demanding your career is, you can have it all. Women do it every day.

  • nia

    Honestly, I’ve tried a relationship and put the focus of a career on hold for the longest..the relationship thing isn’t working out for me, so I am going to refocus on my career.

    • http://twitter.com/MrsNicoleP2 NicoleP

      I agree Nia me as well. After my relationship was over with my ex and he went to someone else quickly I felt like I was Carrie and the pigs blood had been dropped on my head. After that I refocused on my education as well. If God want’s to place someone in my life he can at anytime until then Ill be focusing on my goal to become an Attorney!

  • Ash

    One day I sat down and asked myself, “What would you want more, a career or a marriage?”. If I put my career aspirations first, then I’d never have time to devote to a man. While I still have career goals, my mother always told me to put God first, husband second, and children third.

    Alexis Bellino said it best, “A marriage is the soil, and the children are the beautiful flowers that grow in that soil. If the soil is strong, rich with minerals, and well watered, the flowers grow, bloom, and become radiant for all to see. Unfortunately, soil that is eroded, depleted, and dry will not provide the beautiful flowers with all they need to grow and bloom—and this can cause them to wither. The same is true for children, so putting your marriage first will ensure that the soil is rich and healthy.”

    • ADrina

      “If I put my career aspirations first, then I’d never have time to devote to a man. While I still have career goals, my mother always told me to put God first, husband second, and children third. ”
      And who’s going to focus on your mental health and well-being. If you aren’t stable, then how can you be an asset to anything?

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