How The Myth of The Man Shortage Keeps Some Women, Like My Friend, In Unhappy Relationships

July 17th, 2012 - By Marissa Ellis

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When my friend recommended the book “Marry Him: The Case For Settling,”a couple of years back, she assumed she was doing me the favor of putting all my fantasies of true love to rest. She raved about the book and endorsed the principals espoused by the controversial author Lori Gottlieb. The 40-something and then-single author basically talked about her experience with creating more practical and complementary standards to attract a mate, after years of being too picky. You’d think my friend was in the singles scene herself or someone who had benefitted from the book directly, but in actuality, she had already been married for two years by the time she read the book.

What I understood immediately is that the book assuaged her own doubts about her marriage. Let me get cliche here and say that my friend “Kyra” seemed to have it all from the outside: a man who not only loved her but also looked good and held down a lucrative career. Only problem is that her feelings didn’t come close to his. And that sad reality was not only stressful for him, I had assumed, but was also uncomfortable for our mutual group of friends. While we were out, we’d have to witness Kyra being rude to her husband. It was like another side of her came out when he was around – a side that we never had to experience when she was without him.

She always brought up the idea of divorcing her husband to me. But as soon as she listed off the many reasons why she couldn’t fathom being with him much longer, she considered her options…or what she deemed were her options. I know that Kyra relied on her the experiences of those women around her to gauge whether she was making the right decision. After all, she was someone for whom money was very important. She needed a certain lifestyle and she knew that her husband and his income marked a rare combination amongst Black men.

Did it help that many of her friends were out in the dating world, and lamenting the lack of great connections and men over weekly Sunday brunches? Did it help that many people praised her for being with such a great guy? Did it help that every week, a news story is published about the devastating plight of unmarried Black women?

It certainly didn’t help her situation. What seemed to be a very challenging decision for her seemed simple to me. She was unhappy; she was unhappy before she decided to marry  him, she was unhappy near her wedding day, and she’s been unhappy ever since. Kyra saw herself as a prisoner of circumstances. I know she thought about what would happen if divorced him and was worse off in terms of options? That’s a crazy notion if I ever heard one. What does it matter that you’re slightly better off financially or status wise if you are semi-depressed day to day?

Kyra wants me to coax her to leave her husband, but like I wrote about earlier, I refuse to give hardline relationship advice to my friends. I can only tell her that she can’t base her decisions on her perceptions of others or fears of the unknown. Black women are constantly inundated with this news about being unmarryable and inundated with stats showing that we will be worse off than our non-black counterparts when it comes to love. But on the very personal level, it’s untrue. We create our own realities and perpetuating the negative assertions pushed forth by the media only sets us up to fail. We all know this, right? I hope so. But I have to admit, I’m guilty at using situations of friends to confirm my own beliefs such as…I won’t marry someone if I’m not in love, for the sake of escaping “being alone.”

Have you had friends in these situations or experienced this  yourself? Sound off in the comments below!  

 

 

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  • Patrick

    Hi…came across this blog by accident…….interesting……you ladies obviously haven’t been to Australia then……despite the assertion that there is a man shortage here…..there isn’t. What you have is picky women living in cities while the men are living in country areas…..and marrying Asian women….Half my mates are single and not likely to marry either as there simply aren’t any women around……..

  • Pivyque

    Well, I don’t feel sorry for him at all. I am sure she was this way before they got married. He chose to marry her and he is choosing to stay with her. Hopefully, they will be able to get on the same page and save their marriage. Maybe your friend should focus her attention on appreciating him and maybe her husband should focus his attention on getting a backbone. I’m almost 100% sure that she would not be so rude to him if he put his foot down and demanded respect.

    • Nope

      What person in their right mind wants to have to tame another human being? IMO, a person that needs to be tamed or handled as though they’re a beast or piece of heavy machinery isn’t worth it. This is what I call the As-is mentality a lot of women have, aka deal with it cause that’s just how I am. And most of them are lonely and unmarried.

  • BlueCornMoon

    I’m a 50+ African American woman, college educated professional and still single.So are most of my close friends, some of whom divorced trifling men.We are all Christian women who don’t believe in shacking up or sex before marriage. That seems to turn most men off. So be it. We have never met the right man & there aren’t too many to begin with. We decided long ago that it’s better to be single & happy than married to the wrong person & miserable. Our happily married moms told us that you ABSOLUTELY MUST have the right person or it won’t work & to NEVER JUST SETTLE because it’s not fair to you or the man. If the right one comes along, great; if he never shows up it’s not the end of the world. Life is what you make it.

    • Jay

      Why do people always feel the need to come on here and paint themselves as a perfect person? If you were so great you would have found mr. Right long before u hit 50.

    • Nope

      “there aren’t too many to begin with”

      So what is it about you that isn’t able to attract or keep the good men that are out there? This question is actually for every woman that says this.

    • Na Na

      I believe you and your friends suffer from what my mom and her friends (who are all still single) suffer from…..”I’ma marry Jesus and I don’t need a man I’ll be happily single…forever) 1. God didn’t intend man and woman to be single….forever (I brought up religion because you mentioned it in your post) 2. You are WAITING on the right man to just SHOW UP. 3. You list your accomplishments like that will make you a good wife. Older women (Im 26) seem to believe that the way something looks dictates how goof or bad it will be. You are 50, not 86 there is still time for YOU TO FIND a wonderful man that will complete your life. Marriage is half of our Deen (responsible way of living for God.) You deserve a good man and deserve to not pass on alone or with some cats.

    • Na Na

      I believe you and your friends suffer from what my mom and her friends (who are all still single) suffer from…..”I’ma marry Jesus and I don’t need a man I’ll be happily single…forever) 1. God didn’t intend man and woman to be single….forever (I brought up religion because you mentioned it in your post) 2. You are WAITING on the right man to just SHOW UP. 3. You list your accomplishments like that will make you a good wife. Older women (Im 26) seem to believe that the way something looks dictates how goof or bad it will be. You are 50, not 86 there is still time for YOU TO FIND a wonderful man that will complete your life. Marriage is half of our Deen (responsible way of living for God.) You deserve a good man and deserve to not pass on alone or with some cats.

    • Na Na

      I believe you and your friends suffer from what my mom and her friends (who are all still single) suffer from…..”I’ma marry Jesus and I don’t need a man I’ll be happily single…forever) 1. God didn’t intend man and woman to be single….forever (I brought up religion because you mentioned it in your post) 2. You are WAITING on the right man to just SHOW UP. 3. You list your accomplishments like that will make you a good wife. Older women (Im 26) seem to believe that the way something looks dictates how goof or bad it will be. You are 50, not 86 there is still time for YOU TO FIND a wonderful man that will complete your life. Marriage is half of our Deen (responsible way of living for God.) You deserve a good man and deserve to not pass on alone or with some cats.

    • Na Na

      I believe you and your friends suffer from what my mom and her friends (who are all still single) suffer from…..”I’ma marry Jesus and I don’t need a man I’ll be happily single…forever) 1. God didn’t intend man and woman to be single….forever (I brought up religion because you mentioned it in your post) 2. You are WAITING on the right man to just SHOW UP. 3. You list your accomplishments like that will make you a good wife. Older women (Im 26) seem to believe that the way something looks dictates how goof or bad it will be. You are 50, not 86 there is still time for YOU TO FIND a wonderful man that will complete your life. Marriage is half of our Deen (responsible way of living for God.) You deserve a good man and deserve to not pass on alone or with some cats.

  • Melanie

    I’m going through a situation where I have a guy that has money and status who wants to be in a relationship with me but I don’t feel a connection to him and I don’t want to be with someone just because of the amount of money they have money.

    However I can’t seem to get a relationship with the guys I do have a connection with because they want the whole friends with benefits thing. And that’s not something I really want to do but I don’t want to end up alone. I want to be a wife and mother and on many occasions I’ve thought about going with the guy I’m not emotionally or physically attracted to just so I won’t end up alone.
    I’m not saying that I’m going to do that but its just something I think about.

  • http://twitter.com/EmeliaSam Dr. Emelia Sam

    The surface issue is never the real issue. This isn’t about the “shortage” of men or all the relationships issues associated with that. This is about self-worth and the quest to validate oneself with, in this case, a spouse. Until we start valuing ourselves, we will sell ourselves short and sell others short to mistakenly prove our “worthiness.”

  • CA Pullen

    Your friend is foolish. Why in the world would she waste this guy’s time when she knew she didn’t have any feelings for this guy from the start? If she wanted someone who could make the kind of money in order to live the “lifestyle” that she wants she needs to divorce him and become a groupie and go after those athletes and entertainers. Or she can act ignorant, cuss and fight and be on reality television. Reality television is always looking for ignorant, foul mouth women that they are willing to pay to act a fool. Women like her being rude to nice guys who works hard and have a decent income is one of the reasons why black guys don’t want to be bother with us. I would love to meet a guy who loves me, respects me and treat me good like her husband does. He does not have to make a seven figure income for me. I hope she will be straight up and tell her husband that she does not want to be in the marriage so the guy can work on himself and move on with his life. She makes it look bad for all black women.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Stopsix Kimberly Conley

    In real terms, we have to remember that the society we live in does not promote Black love and relationships. The media wants us to believe things are worse than they are in an effort to keep us from forming strong family units. More importantly, being with someone just to have someone is a miserable existence and further erodes the possibility for future happiness. Creating strong bonds of true happiness is what will make strong families, cohesive and loving.

  • realadulttalk

    I don’t understand the concept of settling. You are unhappy and you have duped another person and brought them into your unhappy world. What is the point of living a truly unhappy existence with someone?? Money can’t buy happiness…you can look good and live well in your disenchantement with money…but if you are not happy is that a life worth living?? I’d rather be the breadwinner in bliss than be a kept woman in misery.

    • MLS2698

      She should make a list about what makes her unhappy, and see if it is valid, and not just immaturity, or ignorance.

  • dddooonnnttt

    When they’re done he’s going to run straight to Becky.

    • DeepThinker

      I understand that men get hurt and fed up, but 99% of the time they refused to acknowledge that they have superfically picked the wrong woman from the beginning. These guys can run to the “others” all they want, but if they do not do a self-inspection to determine why they have had a bunch of toxic relationships with black women, the issue is still going to re-surface in their relationships with “others”. A black man I know thought he could only find happiness & peace in a relationship with a white woman, but because he never worked on his flaws, he brought that same attitude to their relationship. His resentment towards women severly damaged his marriage to his white woman and he is working hard to save it. He is on very shaky terms with his wife (who by the way is a good woman). I just wish everyone would stop pointing fingers and work on themselves.

  • A.J.

    One of the reasons why it may be difficult for some women to find good men (and vice versa) is that a number of really nice guys seem to be tied down to not-so-nice women. Kyra sounds like one of those people. I feel sorry for her husband, not only because he loves her so much, but because of all the nicer women that he could have been with. I don’t believe that people should lower their standards when it comes to dating and marriage, and that they should look for someone whom they could truly love and be happy with. But she was insecure before she got with him, and now two people are unhappy because of it.

    • DeepThinker

      I kind of feel sorry for him and I kind of don’t. I’ve been played by guys for the manipulative, self-absorbed types of women that don’t respect men. Alot of times these guys are so focussed on the fake Beyonce exterior and what they think the woman can do for him that they don’t even take time to figure out who she really is, then they want to be bitter and say all women are the same.

      • A.J.

        I agree about the cycle thing. A lot of times, men will treat all women the same based on one bad experience. Or they may just be extremely shallow and superficial in the first place.

  • JazGirl

    I think this issue is more common than people think.Women need to be careful about what they feed their minds. This issue becomes commonplace when people believe the bullsh$t they read and lack confidence in self. I hear women say because they have been ripped apart so many times by men they found attractive and had passion for, they’ve decided to date less attractive men who were nicer. In other words, I can’t get what I want, so I’ll just get what I can and live a miserable life just to say, “Look, I’m married!”. What exactly do people get out of abusing others?

    • dddooonnnttt

      So jut because the man was less attractive her life will be ‘more miserable’? Maybe that superficiality is what’s leading to misery.

    • Nope

      ”
      lack confidence in self.”

      Case closed.

  • mrsurban

    Is it Kyra or Kyla…..did you just out a friend…oohhhhh

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    Can’t stand woman like that, who use men like that. I feel bad for him.. he deserves better.

    • MLS2698

      All he has to do is whip her arse, or cheat on her, and she will INSTANTLY want him because she is CRAZY! Yes, that man deserves better.

  • http://twitter.com/mssueme Marie Bano

    Julian you sound very bitter, maybe you should look inside yourself and deal with your issues with women. There are good Black men and women out there, do not believe the hype that we are not getting married, we may leave it later in life but we are still doing it.

  • OSHH

    What your friend did by marrying this guy, was 1000% selfish. She is doing herself and this guy a great disservice and to top it off, damaging him in the process when he could be with a woman that not only loves him, but respects him. I don’t feel bad for your friend but I do feel bad for the guy and pray that he doesn’t become bitter and baggage laden cause of your friend. Single is a whole lot better than being in something you don’t want to be in, using and hurting people etc.

    • julian

      Women by their very nature are selfish creatures and could careless about harming some man in the process of them getting what they want.

      • OSHH

        How about human beings are inherently selfish but most decent people, men and women, work to overcome the sinful nature. Becoming bitter is to one’s detriment though throwing out negative generalizations about all women or men, but living learning, making better choices and being a better person is the wisest move.

        • JLHinNY

          I LOVE YOU for this comment…insightful, optimisitc and TRUE.

      • BlueCornMoon

        You’ve been dating the wrong women. I know women like that…superficial, often good looking ,dressed to the nines, & selfish as all get out. For some reason, they attract a lot of men.Time & again I’ve seen men bypass nice women to go after these bad girls who wind up treating the guys like doormats. Then the guys wind up thinking like you do. There are nice women out there but you won’t meet them at clubs, bars, or “meat market”,”everybody’s there to profile” type places.

      • heyjupiter

        Wow. You may want to examine some of your beliefs and experiences and how they might result in statements such as the one you made, because that is a SWEEEEPING statement! Some of us are biased by ours and the experiences of those around us (as the article suggests). Don’t fall prey!

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