“I Don’t Want to Date You”: A Message For The Guys That Can’t Respect My Reasons

July 19th, 2012 - By Danni Kay

courtesy of nwso.net

Christmas day 2011, I made a vow to swear off dating and go on a “man fast” for six months.  I needed a new approach-a dating overhaul if you will. I’d psyched myself up for the commitment. However,  I wasn’t prepared for  the backlash that I would receive from men who didn’t like my decision. I was called everything from a bitter Beyotch to an undercover lesbian man-hater. For example, at my girl’s housewarming soiree one evening this conversation occurred:

Guy:”What are you looking for in a man?”

Me: “I’m not currently looking.”

Guy:”All girls say that  so men will chase.”

Me: “ok.”

Guy: “so if I told you I wanted to see you again what would you say?”

Me: “I’d say thanks. I’m flattered but I’m not interested in dating  right now.”

Guy: “Man, who broke your heart?”

Me: “Hmm?”

Guy: “Just because you got your heart broken by some whack dude doesn’t mean you gotta be an ice cold Beyotch. You just need someone to knock the ‘burrr’ off it.”

Obscenities blurred together. I never contemplated murder and the headlines that would follow until that moment. My “man fast” wasn’t Steve Harvey or heart break  inspired. It wasn’t born out of a “Waiting to Exhale” feminist rant. Still, the reaction of some men when they are told that “coffee is just coffee and conversation” or “a press interview is strictly business” is jaw-dropping. While some take it severely personal, others attempt to psychoanalyze you with the same lines over and over:

“You are guarded because you’ve been hurt before.

“You have too many walls.”

“I’m not like any other guy.”

A young pastor (recently ordained) began his ministering over coffee oneday, “God can’t send you Adam unless your willing to be Eve. You have to want to be his help-mate.” It was a stirring sermon. I clasped my hand over my mouth to keep from shouting “Well. well.” Yet even his rousing monologue was grounded in the baseless assumption that I was “wounded”.
Why is it hard to believe that  my  focus is on building my nest egg?  My banner-waving motto is “God bless the child that had her own.”
In my dating past, I was a serial dater that expected more of her partners than I actually had to give. Six months ago I was degree-less, living off scholarships, grants and God’s good grace. My priorities were out of order.
With just 6 months worth of focus and re-evaluation, I graduated with dual degrees magna cum laude. I had an amazing job and with one month of serious hustle I’ve freelanced my way into well established publications. Yes, I know. Things or accomplishments are never a replacement for love. However, if you don’t love yourself first you will have nothing to give inside of a relationship.   “Charity begins at home.” I finally began to squash my insecurities, embrace my successes,  and above all BE HAPPY. A happy heart is the most attractive quality an individual can have.
Although, I’m not actively throwing my heels into the dating ring, I am open to every possibility. I just choose not to focus on heart matters that extend beyond the realm of my control. In the words of Russell Simmons, “Not chasing something is the quickest way to get it.”
Danni Kay, is a 5 foot nothing Virgo. A former nerdy orthopedic shoe-wearer with eclectic interests in blogging, freelance. Catch her work on www.missaleck.com, Uptown Magazine and on Twitter @mzaleck 
Enhanced by Zemanta

More on Madame Noire!

 

Tags:

, , , , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

  • http://twitter.com/MsLinda_ MsLindaW

    ….and people wonder why I’m “still” single. Yes I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. I’m not starving for male attention or companionship. Sometimes we women have to take time to learn how to be own our own for a while. I am not defined by having a man….ijs

  • http://www.facebook.com/ATXontheTrack Austin Atx Lynum

    I kind of understand where women are coming from to a certain extent. My only gripe about that is that taking a break from dating wont ensure that the next relationship you get in will be the last one. Everyone is flawed, everyone has some sort of issue or extra baggage. Its inevitable… its what makes us human. At some point, some man is going to have to put up with those flaws.

    With that said, theres absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone while your on the come up and growing together with that person. Thats what power couples are made of in my opinion. I’d much rather meet a woman as I am on the come up rather than focus totally on my career first then try to find love after I attain the wealth and success.

    Here’s an idea though, how about we just date now and if not be in a relationship. Support each other to the fullest as we embark on our careers and goals(everybody needs support). If we are still together when we finally reach success and have the time to focus on building a family, then we’ll get married and make that happen. Just go with the flow.

    • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

      I hear what you’re saying but I think you’re making an assumption that the author (or other women that share her viewpoint about taking a break from dating) think that the next relationship they will get into will be the one that leads them to marriage.

      I don’t think you fully understand the point, which is that sometimes and at certain points, there are more important things than dating. After someone gets past their non-dating period, they will still be on the come up AND be receptive to dating. No diss to you, but it doesn’t seem like you understand that part of it.

      Yes, we all have baggage. There are some of us that happen to be very self-aware to know when our baggage may be too much for ourselves (and possibly) other people. Taking time off and out for self and personal development is never bad thing. In fact, some of us need to do it more.

  • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta Amaris Acosta

    You know what’s really funny? That no one questions a man when he announces he’s “all about the benjamins right now”.

  • FattyFatKimye

    After my divorce became final, I stopped dating for 2 years to focus on my daughter. During those 2 years, guys trying to hit on me but I didn’t want to bring just any man around my daughter. This past December I started dating this guy who I’ve been friends with since college and have been dating since because he’s funny and likes to go out and have fun instead of staying in the house and he respects my celibacy. Plus his daughter and my daughter are bffs.

  • sabrina

    I seriously feel like doing this. I realized I really enjoy being single and all of its perks. As I get confronted with new possible suitors, I fear getting into a relationship because I still don’t think I’m ready yet, and I’m tired of having to let each guy down gently after the first date.

  • Guest

    What’s ironic is that guys who treat women that way aren’t worth spit anyway. They’re so busy telling you how you’re incomplete without them that they didn’t notice that they’re not even worth the time of day.

    Good for you! Do what you want to do, and a worthwhile guy will present himself (take him if you want, but there’s no shame in being single) and he won’t call you names if you’re not into him.

    For all the whining these bitter black men do, none of them noticed that Michelle O turned down Barack a few times. He didn’t call her a bitter beyotch. He was a good man, and eventually she was ready to date him and they ended up married. The right guy is the right guy, and if he’s seriously the right guy, he’ll give you space until its the right time – not resort to ridiculous psychoanalyzing, stereotyping and name-calling. Funny how a little challenge can so often reveal someone’s true colors.

  • Pingback: Can you believe it? One Much more liberal dwelling on the bottom of San Fran Nan’s swamp of corruption?

  • Na Na

    Congrats girl. I truly can’t understand either why people make you out to be hurt and broken when say you actively do not want a relationship right now. I get you. You’re not swearing off men, or putting a publicity stunt, you’re getting your happy on and that’s great.

  • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

    So many women have tried it this way before. It is only when they’re 30 and have nobody that they realize, oh God, I’ve got to find me a man.
    My point is: as much and as early as you put work in achieving your career goal you have to put as much work toward achieving your emotional goal. Believe me, the later you want a man and a family the harder they are to get.

    • Lady85

      and so many women have spent their teens and twenties focused on men and nothing else, just to turn 30 and have NOTHING, man gone, mediocre job/no career, no wealth, nothing. Both Love and success are of equal importance, but it’s you’ve got to get your mental and literal house in order. Love ain’t nothin when two folks can’t pay the rent.

      • http://www.facebook.com/ashleyjh7 Ashley JH

        Yes!

    • Rochelle

      WOW. this is the 1st time on a message board that I can say, you both have a point! I must say, that I am 30 blk relatively slim, accomplished and I have no prospects right now. I have to say that I probably wish I could have found my husband in my 20′s but I wouldn’t want to be a married waitress or CVS worker or Walmart greeter with no way out (financially) if my marriage goes sour. I do like being financial independent, but honestly sometimes I do get lonely. It’s a catch 22. I would say put equal amount of time in finding someone and working one your career, its the only way you don’t miss out.
      BTW, since when is 30 “old.” When I hear these things, I think that blk people need to take better care of their health is they think that 30 is the begining of middle age. PUT DOWN THE BURGER, then maybe you wouldnt die at 60! Lol

      • Cindie

        I am an old black lady….almost 60….and I say, “hats off” to the young black sisters who are getting their financial, emotional, and spiritual houses in order. Because two “half people” do not a whole relationship make! And it is better to wait later to have a good family than to be part of the millions of dysfunctional black relationship/families that are out there…..and the ones on Jerry Springer are just the ones we know about…..