When Hearts Break, They Don’t Break Even: Dealing With An Old Flame After You’ve Moved On

July 26th, 2012 - By Sheena Bryant

Source: www.shutterstock.com

 

It would all be so simple if love were really like the childhood songs we sang, if in reality Adam and Eve were truly sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, if first came love, and then came marriage and then came baby in the baby carriage.  It would be so much easier if real life love chronicles followed this trajectory.  But they don’t always.  Love is not a children’s rhyme.  It’s more like Pat Benatar’s 80’s anthem: love is a battlefield.  And as far as battles are concerned, we all know that you win some and you lose some.

For anyone who has ever had their heart broken or who has been on the losing end of unrequited love, you know that love is not cute and fluffy with chubby cherubs who shoot painless arrows.  It is a full-fledged contact sport capable of inflicting gruesome injuries—to engage it is to expect that there will be blood.

When people who once loved each other begin to love each other no more, hearts break and boy they don’t break even.  Love’s an interesting thing.  Someone falls first, and someone falls deepest.  Someone falls out while someone falls deeper in.  It seems that men and women rarely want the same things from each other at the same time.

I’ve wanted men who did not want me and I’ve shun men who’d literally drink my bath water if asked.  I have broken some hearts in my day and I have certainly had my heart broken.  Oddly enough, I’ve found that in matters of the heart the tables often turn with enough time.

There is a man that I loved passionately once.  I have historically been someone who’s valued freedom much more than relationships, but things were different with him.  I would willingly relinquish the liberty I loved to be bound by his affection.  While other suitors were denied, I desperately longed for his heart.  We were friends, truly friends, and as our friendship deepened throughout the years, I fell in love.  Hard. Without a doubt, I wanted to spend my life with him.  I’m not sure if you’ve ever fallen in love with a friend, but you reach a point where you HAVE to say something. I did, nervously, and while he expressed nominal feelings, he was young and not ready for any serious commitment. I was crushed and utterly heartbroken.  I walked away and it took time, but my heart healed. While I grieved the loss of a man I deeply loved, he moved on and dated other women.

Fast forward.  We find ourselves at a coffee shop together. It’s been a few years since we’ve last spoken. As we begin to fill each other in on what’s new in life, we inevitably come to the topic of us and our parting. He tells me that he loved me then and that he loves me now, that he was immature then and intimidated by all that he knew I was asking for. He tells me he was engaged. I congratulate him. He tells me he called the wedding off.  I pensively ask why, and in response, he tells me, “When I was with her, I was thinking of you.”  He says “When we were in the church, I was thinking what if that were Sheena walking down the aisle? What if that were you in the white dress?”  He tells me other things…but what I tell him is that my feelings have changed.

I have not been in many situations as real as that one.  As someone who suffered from the slow and painful death that is unrequited love, at his very hand, I did not want to be the cause of that kind of pain.  I offered him what I could, friendship…but I suppose that only assuages pain for so long.  I saw him recently walking along a busy downtown street.  It was apparent that he saw me and intended to walk past without speaking. When I got closer and waved hello, he gave me a head nod and kept it moving.  A swift nod of the head and a speedy walk off is what I got from a man I knew and had loved at one point in time, as if we had beef.  Shrugs.

While I’d like to see things different between the two of us, there isn’t much I can say.  When two hearts break, they really don’t break even and apparently they don’t break at the same time either.

Have you found this to be true in your dealings with romantic partners, or am I the only one out here getting head nods from old flames in these city streets?  Surely you’ve experienced someone who’s come back around after you’ve mended your hurt feelings and broken heart to profess their love once you’ve moved on.  Let’s talk about it.

Photo courtesy of shutterstock.com

Sheena Bryant is a writer and blogger in Chicago.  Follow her on twitter at @song_of_herself.

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  • Hmm

    The beginning of this post was rather pessimistic… Bitter even

  • Jackie

    I’m actually going through this right now. I just recently broke up with someone 4 months ago. We was living together and everything. He just up & left me. Then had the nerve to act like it was all my fault as to why we broke up. I had also had a platonic friend break my heart as well right before me & this guy started to date. I thought he was the “one” til he kept on giving me excuses as to why we coudln’t be together. I got tired of waiting. Now 2 yrs later, the platonic friend wants to see where we stand since Im a newly single woman. But I have my reservations about the whole thing cause my feelings have changed about him. I still like him & have a great respect for him, but he just seems like a bunch of talk and no action. I don’t have time for that. Im really hoping that I can at least amend the beef with my ex, eventhough we will prpbably never get back together. At first, I was willing to work it out, but he chose not to. I don’t like having beef with an ex but he is the one who wants the war with me. I don’t pay it any mind cause its not worth it.

  • RenJennM

    Wow. This is very unfortunate.

    I’ve loved twice in my life (the “eros” sort of love, which is Greek for “passionate love”… or what we usually see as deep infatuation). Both times I was young (first time, 14; second time, 21), but I always knew the difference between having a fleeting crush (which I’ve had many of) and what I felt for these two young men, which seemed to transcend into something realer, more powerful and longer-lasting.

    My first love was my first boyfriend. After we broke up, we stayed close, even after we graduated high school. But four years ago (we were 19 at the time), he wanted to have sex with me and I refused him, so he stopped communicating with me and associating with me entirely all the way up until about three or four months ago (we’re both 23 now). He reconnected with me, gave me a half-apology (the kind where someone blames everything else but themselves), and he told me he’d like to be friends again. I was hesitant, but I told him that we could start off as associates and work up from there. Recently, in one of our conversations, he revealed to me that because he’s been doing well financially and in his career, he believed he’s ready to begin looking for the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with. Then he said he believed that I was that woman, and that we should try to pursue things again. I refused. Flat out. I told him that my feelings are not the same as they once were, and that we’ve grown into completely different people from what we were at 14yrs old. He tried a couple more times to convince me, but he eventually let it go.

    At times I think I should’ve given it a shot, but most times, I know I did the right thing. I still don’t entirely trust him, and I can’t force what isn’t there.

  • curiosity.killed.the.cat

    Omg. that’s so tragic in sense. two hearts once intertwined…now separate. i once fell in love with a friend after the fact..meaning he fell in love with me first but i was too stupid to realize until he had moved on. it was hard to get over but i often hope, we would meet again (God willing).

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    absolutely! my first love forced me to walk away and then came back nearly a year later begging me to come back only to push me a way a few years later with “I don’t love you like you love me, I just don’t feel the same as you do. . . “

    • http://www.facebook.com/latoya.funthings.fleet LaToya Mizanidior Fleet

      I had the same situation too and it really hurt me! Now i found out now that he is mad at me cause i got pregnant and had a baby! He had two chances but i just walked away!

  • Nikki

    WOW!! I know this first hand! The short and sweet version. I was fresh out of a divorce and had only knew myex husband as a real relationship, I met a very nice minister and we were friends then began dating. I know I broke his heart but I was honest about my feelings, we remained friends for years until he secretly got engaged and married and only admitted it when I congradulated him via text. I was alittle taken back because he felt he could not tell me. His response was well I would have been alittle mad if you were to get married so I thought maybe you would be. I was never mad and actually very happy for him because he found someone to love him the way he needed to be. I think it takes time, healing and maturity to get to a place where you can realized who and what is right for you. After ending a 13 year marriage I know how hurt feels and I always try to not intentionally hurt anyone.

  • Judy

    Too late for me and when people make these decisions, they have to deal with the consequences of whatever happens. I don’t go back in time. I like to start fresh and move on.

  • curlyk

    Sounds similar to my situation. but only time will tell the final outcome. I was friends with him for almost 4 years before we got together last August. I always wanted to be with him, just not at that time. But I went ahead with the relationship. It was great and I still love him but I ended up breaking up with him a few months ago. We’ve been on speaking terms on and off this summer because unwanted him back soon after the breakup but he wasn’t hearing it. He kept saying he still wants to marry me someday [we're 20 and 21] but he wants time to make a good decision on when he wants to be with me again since the breakup was so devastating to him. So because I want to be more than his friend, we aren’t speaking at the moment. Maybe we’ll work it out one day when we’re both ready. I hope we do but day the same time, im working on myself right now so that I keep my heart open to new love. Whether its with him or someone else.

  • Kimster

    You shouldn’t be surprised you only got a nod considering the intensity of love you address. I’m sure he was feeling guilt/anger/regret having lost a chance with you twice and then ruining another relationship (and breaking her heart) by waiting until they were darn near walking down the aisle to tell her he didn’t love and/or want her.