The Disappearing Woman: Why Do Women Lose Themselves in Relationships?

July 12th, 2012 - By Mame Kwayie
Young Couple

SingleintheSip.com

You ever been in love? I’m talkin’ ‘bout that makes-your-knees-tingle kind of love, that I’mma-jump-on-Oprah’s-couch kind of love. That kind of love that has you finally knowing what all those R&B songs are all about, the kind of love that makes you throw your hands up and shout every time you hear Luther Vandross sing, “Who needs to go to work to hustle for another dollar? I’d rather be with you ‘cause you make my heart scream and holla.” I mean that glassy-eyed kind of love where you take every opportunity to mention your beloved’s name. That kind of love where “I” becomes “We” and you revel in the moment that two have finally become one.

In an episode of “Sex and the City” (“The Agony and the ‘Ex’-Tacy”; season four, episode one for the uninitiated), Carrie Bradshaw and company attend an engagement party for which the invitation states that the betrothed couple have “two souls, one thought”.

“If two souls have only one thought between them, something is very wrong,” Carrie quipped.

In curly-haired Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn’t help but wonder about how women maintain their individual identities in relationships. This conversation, though hardly a new one, is timely, considering the murmurings that surround the break-up of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (forever infused as TomKat in Hollywood relationship terms). Or Kate, as Tom reportedly preferred to call her. Writer Kathleen Perricone reports,

Ever since the two first got together in 2005, the “Mission Impossible” star has insisted on referring to his [soon-to-be-former] wife as “Kate,” even though neither her friends nor her family has ever called her that[…]During an interview with All Headline News, [Cruise] explained, “Katie is a young girl’s name. Her name is Kate now – she’s a child-bearing woman.” At the time, it was also reported that Holmes had agreed upon the name change “after discussing it with Tom” and as a result “all friends and family now call her Kate.”

Cruise’s couch-jumping kind of love, his Scientologist beliefs and the pair’s blog-worthy break-up have onlookers wondering what really went on in the marital home shared by the former “Dawson’s Creek” star and one of Hollywood’s most bankable leading men.

“She always seemed scared to me,” a friend of mine noted during a conversation about the split. “It was like she was always under his thumb.”

Another hot commodity in celebrity coupledom? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, a pair that has reportedly crossed the 72-day threshold that Kardashian and basketball star Kris Humphries couldn’t reach during their brief marriage last fall. Kardashian has been photographed rocking “KW” stud earrings and has tweeted a picture of her and her beau’s his-and-hers sneakers. An innocuous digital display of affection? Lost in love or simply a case of tingling knees? It doesn’t help that not only do they go to everything together now (even laser hair removal treatments), but people have pointed out that her style has changed to better fit his, and has faded into dull looks of a monochromatic, “let’s match to everything we go to!” type of fashion. She looks more like his experimental muse than his lady.

In everyday life, I’ve wondered about friends who had essentially disappeared off the face of girls’ night out and Sunday brunches to hang out with the he, adjusting their schedules and lives to their man, maybe even their personality. Yes, it’s important to cultivate romantic relationships, but in efforts to keep the love we find, when do we lose ourselves completely?

In an essay for the Huffington Post, writer Vicki Larson cites the idea of the “Disappearing Woman,” a concept developed by relationship expert and psychotherapist Beverly Engel. In her book, “Loving Him Without Losing Yourself”, Engel writes

No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they  become involved with a man, they begin to give up part of themselves — their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their belief and values.

Even in Carrie Bradshaw’s fictional New York, friend Charlotte converted to Judaism to marry her divorce lawyer-turned-husband Harry, and, in the show’s final season, Carrie uprooted her life, career and friendships to follow a Russian suitor to Paris, only to return home after realizing that she had lost her identity in the whirlwind.

In relationships, compromise is necessary, emblems of love can be cute and sometimes, love requires a leap of faith.  But at which point during the swell of the swoon do we become disappearing women, and how can we turn it around?

Do you know women who have changed a lot due to a relationship?

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  • Passimsoue

    I got caught with that article because it’s so true. I am in a middle of this 6 years relationship with a guy, I was a successful designer (and still, hopefully), travelling there, working on that.. and then oh started to loose myself in that relationship..Sliding down the hill. Wake up call happened 6 months ago and I now rebuild myself bit by bit (which is v hard). You have to remember what drove you here in the first place. I can say, it was my career and independance then it doesnt become attractive anymore if you are just there to please your man.. Your identity and your passion has to be present no matter what you go through in life. Never you ll be able to live or go somewhere without knowing who you are and what you are made of.

  • Kitty

    I’m not changing my personality to appease a man. I have to be myself. I have been with girlfriends around their men and it’s like who is this person? It’s not fair and sad to watch. When I see this I know it’s not going to work. You can suppress your true self but for so long.

  • jas

    Girl friends hang out to find men right ? Once you find your man what is the purpose of hanging out as much as you once did ? On the other hand I see where this article is going. I left a comment yesterday all about me loving and doing for my man…..on the subject matter, but I felt some kind of way feeling like I give the impression I just cater to my man when that is not the case. I almost felt the need to clear it up. I have my expectations of the kind of wife I want to be and I stay true to that. It’s just important for me to be an independent woman. Being in a long-term relationship for quite some time now I can honestly say I have found a way to keep my independence and im able to take care of my man at the same damn time lol.

    I think it’s important you have an idea of what it is you want beforehand and if it’s to loose yourself, maintain some sort of independence…so be it. Just have an idea of the role you want to play in life.

  • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

    Personally I think some women get so caught up in getting or keeping a man that they lose focus of who they are. If a woman stops trying to find a “great guy” and is willing to be patient to wait for the “best guy” for her, then she won’t have to change so much. He will embrace her for who she is, and the only adjustments necessary will be the ones that everyone should strive to make in becoming a better person.

  • UI

    “Simply put, women of my age don’t need to be “hanging with the girls” as much as they used to. It gets old after a while.” Agree. I (late forties), too, am past this phase in sistahood. Funny, a friend asked me to do “girls night”…I ain’t feelin it. I don’t need to gripe or boost about my relationship/men with other females, cuz you know after a few cocktails……its kinda tired. I am in a relationship that I haven’t lost myself. I told myself at the beginning I wasn’t gonna lose myself and today I can proudly say, mission accomplished!

  • http://www.facebook.com/marcella.kelley Marcella Kelley

    Wow wonderful article. I know from expreience having lost myself in relationship after relationship because I thought I was going to miss out on something if I wasn’t with my man all the time. For me it had alot to do with being insecure with not knowing if i were good enough, and not completely trusting my partner or myself. Any relationship begins with self, and its really up to you to keep your individuality in order for your relationship with someone to function properly. Sure we all conform to our partners in some instances, but I think that we need to make sure that we remember who we were before we entered our relationships into to be truly successful.

  • Kellzzzz

    Wow, nice read.. think I might even go get that book… And I am glad I am not the only one that noticed Kim seems more like Ye’s muse than lover

  • KKHolidae

    I agree with Olivia I am in my early 30s and I finally have the man that I have prayed about, although I still make time for my “girls” but I am at the point where I am ready to get married and have some babies.

  • jd

    well said olivia

    • olivia

      Thanks.

      Funny thing is, at the age of 35 I had a friend cut me off because she and a man that I was dating both had parties on the same night (New Year’s) and I chose to go to his and not hers (she had one annually and I had been to them all previously).

      I learned this lesson the hard way. Put you and your needs first always. If your friends are truly in your corner they will be happy and understanding of your decisions. Your real “girls” won’t accuse you of “losing yourself”.

      • amansview

        Don’t worry about losing the friend. The world is big enough. FWIW, the philosopher Schopenauer said: “To become reconciled to a friend with whom you have broken is a form of weakness; and you pay the penalty of it when he takes the first opportunity of doing precisely the very thing which brought about the breach; nay, he does it the more boldly, because he is secretly conscious that you cannot get on without him.” I have observed this to be true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/latoya.kirksey LaToya Kirksey

    This article is very true for alot of women! There is nothing wrong with compromise, but there is a fine line of giving too much of yourself and not receiving enough from your mate. I have been and I am guilty of this as well. It seems that you just awaken one day and realize that you have changed so much and given much more for a man that did not reciprocate your actions. If a man and a woman are working, evolving, and changing together in a relationship that is beautiful because it indicates growth. But when a woman or a man is constantly changing and giving up things to please their mate and the mate is not doing the same that is unfair and unproductive which will proceed to producing negative results.

    • Adriane

      I agree with this completely. Before I knew it I had lost myself in a relationship thinking that “we” were growing when in all brutal honesty there was no progress being made. Its hard to fight your way back up from that but I haven’t given up yet. If a person is changing from themselves into what your man wants you to be that’s a red flag.

  • Judy

    This is a good article and so true.

  • olivia

    Well…it depends on where you are in life. I am in my late 30′s and have done all the girls-night-out and Sunday brunches that I could do. Simply put, women of my age don’t need to be “hanging with the girls” as much as they used to. It gets old after a while.

    During this phase of my life it is important to cultivate a relationship with a man. All my female relationships are pretty much set.

    It’s not about losing yourself, its about moving onto another more meaningful chapter of your life (building a family). Your priorities change and you mature.

  • TraceFace

    I’ve noticed that this happens to me a lot in relationships. I just ended a relationship in May because of it. I’ve got a lot to work on, but admittance is definitely the first step. Great article!

  • http://twitter.com/JazmineDenise Jazmine Denise

    I absolutely love this article.