They Can’t All Be Bad: When Did The Single Black Women Brigade Conclude All Men Are Dogs?

68 comments
July 6, 2012 ‐ By Alissa Henry
"Black woman with dog"

Source: Shutterstock

We know that dogs come in all breeds, but can we agree that all men aren’t dogs?

In many of the Black Women: Doomed to Be Single news stories, the recurring advice is black women need to seek love outside the confines of their race. Some advice-givers go as far to assert that, if black women refuse to expand their racial horizons, they will never be married.

Unsurprisingly, this advice is not well-received by the Single Black Female Brigade.

While the advice givers may mean well and feel they were just responding to the “I can’t find a good black man” complaints with the obvious “then don’t date just black men” solution, surely what they’ve found is that some people with questions have already determined that there are no answers.

In fact, instead of exploring this suggestion and determining if there is any merit to the solution based on the expressed problem, these single black women have completely flipped the script altogether. What used to be television specials, books and endless columns about what’s wrong with black men, have now been edited to exclude the word “black” and explain what’s wrong with all men.

As Sil Lai Abrams points out in her Ebony article “The Myth of the White Knight: White Men Are Not the Answer to Black Women’s Problems”:

Black men do not have the market cornered on shady relationship behavior.

She’s right. Black men do not have the market cornered. But because these highly-publicized single black women declared that they’re single because black men are shady, some have recommended these women look at other races.

That’s not sufficient though because as Sil Lai points out:

From my years of field research, I can assure you that a White man can be just as commitmentphobic, misogynistic and unreliable as a Black one.

Over at Clutch Magazine, Stacia Brown further drives this point home:

[The date men of other races] advice is tied to mythical ideas about the superior morality, dating practices, and values of white men, [and] it’s highly problematic.

Noncommittal, emotionally detached, unfaithful men come in all colors. And there’s no valid, non-anecdotal evidence that supports the idea that a white man who dates or marries a black woman is predisposed to treat her better than a black man would.

So White men are out.

And in the comments section on the Clutch article another woman mentioned:

Now days, Chinese women say at least American men play around first then get married, whereas Asian men get married then play around. But, what they don’t know is men play around regardless.

So Asian men are out…oh wait, she mentioned that all men play around regardless so we’re screwed.

This is where we’re at in the black female community? We’ve convinced ourselves that there are no answers to our dating woes and we’re pretty much doomed to play “wifey” because no man anywhere is going to make us his “wife”?

With that kind of attitude, it’s no wonder the statistics are where they are.

I’m not saying that black women need to date outside of their race when they only want to date black men. Relationships should be based on the heart, not logic or mathematical equations. I am saying that we need to collectively check our thoughts and beliefs and see what it is we’ve internalized about black men…and every other man.

For some reason, a slew of black women saw the “date outside of your race” advice as some sort of offensive comment against black men — even though it was clearly an understandable response to a group of women seemingly fed up with their own self-described shallow dating pool.

To go from criticizing one group to criticizing every single man everywhere is out of control and this whole discussion is starting to reek of bitterness and delusion. What part of the game is that? No one is saying we should ignore the negative experiences that we’ve had, but to shout down anyone trying to give you a solution by just hollering about more problems makes it seem like we don’t want an answer.

Maybe dating outside of your race isn’t a viable solution, but finding fault with every single type of man on the planet while you wait for the man of your dreams seems counterproductive and will likely leave you right where you are, single.

Follow Alissa Henry on Twitter @AlissaInPink

Photos courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Nicki Jackson

    A dog is simply someone who is a liar and cheater. Someone who wants to have sexual relaions with multiple women at the same time.
    There are many guys that are cheaters. The idea is for a woman is to find a guy that is NOT a cheater. This is not easy sometime but it is doable if this is the kind of relationship that a woman wants for herself. Never settle for less. Consider reading “How To Find A good Man: 50 Things To Always Remember About Relationships, Dating, and Intimacy.

  • dave

    In my college there are a lot of good single black men who are very ambitious and have their priorities together. I think if black women see a good hard working black man at their college or at work just simply say hi. There is nothing wrong with saying hi and you’d be surprised how many great friendships you can build that could lead to a relationships and possiblely marriage. Long story short saying hello doesn’t make you instantly promiscuous. If you say hi and small talk with you fellow employees and employers, why should it be any different with how you communicate with men your interested in.

    • Nicki Jackson

      This is so true.

  • Rah Truth

    I know several good Blalck men. I also know several Black women who deal with and continue to deal with dogs, then blame the dogs. Set your standards higher!

  • Rhonda Chambers

    Some of these black men out here would be a good catch if they weren’t into all this new age loving that only white men used to do. They open their mouth and start talking about “toys” and mess that i’m not into and that’s when it’s over for me.

  • Rhonda Chambers

    At the end of the day i’m not checking for NO MAN anymore. I’ve had enough heartache and pain in my life.

  • Rhonda Chambers

    I”m sure there are good black men somewhere. But in the southern area I live in, it’s the same old thing. It’s nothing but lazy selfish guys who are looking for some woman to take care of them. I really don’t have time anymore. I”m divorced and will probably spend the rest of my alone. Who needs them.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel

      You sound like you got a lot of issues. haha

  • Nope

    The question they need to ask themselves is why don’t the “good men” want them.

  • November Rain

    I don’t think all men are dogs. And in fact, I think dog is not a good enough word to describe SOME of these men out here. See, a dog can be groomed and trained to be a respectful, faithful and loyal creature. I think SOME men are pigs. Pig is a more accurate description. Wallowing around in filth, eating slop and constantly snorting when no one cares. Now, of course, I don’t find this to be true of all men but some definitely fit the description.

    • Rhonda Chambers

      I had a pet dog and he was way more loyal than any man was. Nice guys want the challenge. The mean woman that gives them grief. Most black men I know love drama. Or either the really tall, pretty, and thin girl. They’ll be with her no matter what kind of bad attitude she has.

  • happily married

    I am so happy that I met my husband in my upper 20’s as
    opposed to my younger 20’s. If I had met him just a few years earlier, I
    would not have been mature enough to see his value. Thankfully, God’s
    timing was right, and I was ready.

    Interestingly, the woman he dated
    just before me told him that they were not compatible because he “was
    too boring.” Now, she is single, with a child, and dealing with drama
    from her child’s father.

    Ladies, if you meet a man who is consistent, trustworthy, and yes, maybe
    “predictable” or “boring” in your eyes, remember these are GREAT
    qualities! You and your children are not going to care about a husband
    that has “swagger” in 10 years. You’ll likely just be happy that the
    mortgage is paid, your family is cared for, and you are loved.

    • B

      I agree with the statement regarding swagger. Swagger will not pay the bills, keep food on the table, cherish you, etc etc. Swagge is selfish.

      • Hawaiian Breeze

        “Swagge (sic) is selfish” Actually no, swagger is: Walk or behave in a very confident and typically arrogant or aggressive way

    • Hawaiian Breeze

      God’s timing was right, huh? God needs to stop playing around and make the time right for other people too.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    This is just getting ridiculous. If you’re really serious about settling down, you date a decent man period regardless of his race, it’s that simple. . .

    • B

      YEP!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

    I used to tell most of my female friends (who are all married now pretty much) when they whined “It seems like I just attract bad guys”. I would say “no, it’s YOU who are attracted to bad guys”.

    A lot of women flat-out reject mature, intelligent, got-his-act-together men because they’re seen as “corny”, “boring” or have no “swagger”. The guys with swagger, “game”, etc. are the types that excite immature women (again sadly, is the majority of women no matter the age) and thus the “all men are dogs” lament. It’s not that all men are dogs, it’s that all the men that woman is attracted to are dogs.

    When a woman matures and is finally able to view the “corny” guy as a viable option, then she’ll find some happiness. But as long as you keep chasing the bad boy, the lament continues…

    • Nope


      When a woman matures and is finally able to view the “corny” guy as a viable option, ”

      Usually not until they’re physically past their prime and have tons of emotional baggage.

  • queenietoo

    MCLye was one of the greatest female rappers of her time but when she wrote ruffneck omg! I think a lot of them dudes really thought she was serious. She said ” she need a dude with attitude who only needs his fingers with his food, Karl Kani saggin’ timbos draggin’ frontin’ in his ride with his home boys braggin’, lying ’bout the Lyte how he knocked boots last night
    but he’s a ruffneck so that’s alright. “No it is not alright lol, then she said he’s out of there
    on the avenue girls are passin’ thru Too much of ruffneck so they ain’t havin’ you hard boppin’ always grabbin’ his jock and braggin’ about his tec that’s the rep, he’ll pull the plug on the tour
    pissin’ in corners doing 80 by funeral mourners showing little respect now that’s a ruffneck”) now where can I go with a dude like this?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

      Unfortunately, this attitude is still prevalent in our community.

      • Rhonda Chambers

        Not all black women like roughknecks. But the few good guys are usually extremely superficial too and are only checking for the really pretty and skinny girls.

  • CarlaKah

    I realised recently that my priorities weren’t right. I am 26 and for the first time in 8 years I prioritize myself and if I were to meet someone that would ask me out, I would find reliability, maturity and responsibility the most important key factors that would allow the date to happen. I believe that we, black women, have several influences in our teenage lives that shape the way we pick our boyfriends/baby’s fathers/husbands. Different concepts in the realm of “staying black enough” of “keep it real/100″ that aren’t nurturing our ability to built strong households. I will give a personal example: SWAG. I’ve got at least 3 friends that put swagg in their top 3 priorities (respectively 27, 28 and 29 yrs old) and that has brought a lot of drama, disappointment and immature situations to their doorstep. Still they won’t let it go. Because a man with swagg: keeps it real, understands a black women’s “sassyness” and knows how to “talk that talk”. We are all pushing 30 at some point wondering where the “good men” are yet this swagg-criterium isn’t considered a problem. Yes, there are tons of black men that avoid black (or just the dark-skinned + medium skinned ) women and believe the “White/lightskinned-soft hair-princess-myth”. Ex them out and you’ve got men left with other issues you don’t want as a good woman (no ambition, too many kids, no direction, immature, sex addiction etc). Ex them out and you will have a group of men that aren’t necessarily ostentatious by display of arrogance and conceit (which is what SWAG (=swagger) really means!). And yes THEN there are not many men left BUT the ones who are left are the best to pick from. I’ve let the need for swag go in my teens and now also the need for a man who is actively chasing me without him even meeting the 3 priorities. To elucidate, I was always SAYING I was searching for real love but I actually was focused on geeting male attention from a guy who doesn’t have much direction. That way I was always the leader busier then him and an obvious “catch ” in comparison. I obviously was insecure about my true worth as a woman. I have decided that it is time to value what I have to offer and what I believe would fit me and add to my happiness, instead of just allowing romance, sex and a commitment in the wake of gender-specific insecurities. Meaning the fear of ending up like an old spinster, beacuse of not giving “nice” guys a chance. Screw that. If a husband is what you are seeking you must at least look for AND be reliable, mature and responsible. If the guy isn’t all 3, it will just be harder to make a strong household happen for it requires that and more factors that are easier to comply to WHEN you already have the first 3!. We should support eachother in finding those qualities in men instead of SWAG, sexiness, status and material opportunities.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

      Wow, I wrote my response to the article before I read this. It’s pretty much what I wrote. And you know what, mature men KNOW when a girl is still in that “chase me down, Mr. Swagga Man!” mode and we treat said woman appropriately. It’s a huge problem in the black community.

      Quick story: I was on a contract in Pensacola, FL for two years. Now, I’m from Chicago and currently live and work in the MD/DC/VA corridor. I work in the DoD contracting realm and am used to being around highly-eductated, well-traveled, cultured people as part of everyday life. I forget sometimes that there are places in our country where people just haven’t been anywhere but their ‘hoods and maybe a couple of states over to visit an aunt or something. Pensacola is a town full of people like this. It’s where women have kids very early (I mean teens, early-20s) and the majority of these women don’t have the father involved at all. They’re used to certain kinds of “men.”

      Anyway, I’m Seville Quarter (my NW Florida/SE Alabama people know what’s up) and I see a really cute sista. Don’t take this the wrong way, but how she carried herself was a big step up from the normal P’cola ‘hood dweller. So I was intrigued. I start to talk to her and the most interesting thing happened. She started bragging about how she had two men, one to pay her bills and one to have fun with. She then proceed to tell me how she knew I wasn’t from around there (I speak in a more articulate sort of way than a lot of black folks are used to. Think not quite Barack Obama and more Samuel L. Jackson) and that I was cute but wasn’t “street enough” for her!

      Here I am, the ideal guy to take over here “one to pay the bills” role (though she didn’t get far enough to glean that info) and I was rejected because I didn’t carry myself in the wannabe-Li’l Wayne manner in which she liked. I wasn’t even mad, I actually laughed and just said “good luck with that”.

      It still makes me smirk thinking about it.

      • 305MovesLikeDagger

        I get where you are coming from, my friend hooked me up with this girl who was tall and pretty just how I like them. She didn’t give me a chance to even get to know her further, she told my friend “he has a boring personality” and here I was wasting my time trying to get to know her without all the games and stuff. I said whatever her loss, now I meet this Cuban chick and it is totally different. She isn’t looking for some guy who is going to blow his money on outwards appearance. Me and my boys have had this conversation before, we where arguing on who can attract more women, he said I can based on looks but he is like my other friend has the advantage because he has more swag(the nice car, the mohawk etc.). Sadly he is right,

        • Hawaiian Breeze

          Her loss? One cannot lose something they never wanted.

        • CarlaKah

          Just because he has “swag”, doesn’t mean he will attract many women that want to actually built a future together. If you want a mature relationship you need to be mature and find a mature partner. Moreover, it’s not about race or cultural background. It’s really about character, state of mind, attitude and mentality. At the end of the day actively playing a game when meeting a seemingly nice and suitable woman is just ruining the chance of coming across as trustworthy. If the woman isn’t playing a game as she is on to you, she might think you are a (trying to be) a bad boy. Personally I let go of my liking of swagger years ago, because I saw how many of those young men are immature and insecure.

      • Hawaiian Breeze

        “And you know what, mature men KNOW when a girl is still in that ‘chase me down’…”

        Why is a mature man dating girls and not a woman?

      • CarlaKah

        Thanks, I find yourtake on it refreshing.

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  • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon


    To go from criticizing one group to criticizing every single man everywhere is out of control and this whole discussion is starting to reek of bitterness and delusion.”
    What did you think? It was pretty much delusional from the start.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    I think Corey Holcomb made a good point. If you get to a certain age and you still claim that all men are dogs, then maybe the problem is you lol.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel

      Ahhh! A C. Holcomb reference. He could educate a lot of the sistas who think they are hot but really are not. They wouldn’t help but to see themselves in his stories.

      • Is It 5:00 Yet?

        Yes he can be harsh at times, but this particular comment is truthful. And I’m a woman lol.

  • WHOISBSQUARED?

    UM…..IF U THINK ABOUT IT, THEY ARE…CUZ WE’VE ALL HAD AT LEAST ONE DOG THAT WE’VE DEALT WITH FOR A TIME….

  • IllyPhilly

    Why dogs? Dogs are loyal and come on command (LOL)Why not rabbits cuz they are the ones that F around a lot.

  • http://twitter.com/PhoenixRose360 PhoenixRose360

    I swear these male bashing articles are trying to tell black women,especially, to crawl in a hole and die. First there were no good black men, now they’re ALL bad. I feel like they’re designed to keep the myth going that there are no good men(of any race) out there, so why bother search. The reality is there are bad men of all races, instead of complaining about the no good men, maybe it’s time for us to figure out why we keep either attracting them, or staying with them, because the man can’t be “bad” if we don’t allow it!!!

    • DeepThinker

      Preach!

  • 305MovesLikeDagger

    Of course black men are dogs, funny all the black guys that I would characterize as good man at my age(22) are single but the ones that go to strip clubs all day, spend their whole paycheck on swag, wannabe rappers/goons have different women every week. I guess the whole cockyness that they have plays a huge factor.

    • guest

      I am married to a wonderful man, and at your age (22 you say) I would advise you to stick with the “boring” good guys. Trust me, they make FABULOUS husbands! They tend to be reliable, loving, and make you and your family the priority. I got married at 27, and I am so happy I found him!

      • 305MovesLikeDagger

        lol I am a straight guy, I was pointing that from my obversation all the good black guys I know most tend to be single but the ones who blow their money on swag, go to the strip club all day, refer to women by all type of words tend to be the ones that a lot of women go for.

        • CarlaKah

          Well @305MovesLikeDagger I am a single woman (26) and I must say that all some of these good men need is the motivation and guts to approach a good lady. Some of them are observers which makes them finish last. Chivalry is only dead of you (as a man) give it its funeral.

  • WellShoot

    It’s funny how men are compared to dogs because I own two canines and they are unfailingly devoted, attentive and affectionate. Unfortunately I can’t say the same about most men, LOL. Men of all races can be good or bad, but I personally don’t know any black men that are faithful to their spouses.

    • grateful

      i think the people who say so are referring to the fact that when a dog (male) is in heat it will hump the closest female , -any female dog around.

    • B

      OUCH!!

  • Guest

    I don’t agree with the mentality that all black men are dogs or trifling!! I know better because I was raised by a very good black man, my father. With that said, I am ready to be with someone who is willing to treat me like he wants to be in my life and enjoy being there. At this stage in my life I really don’t care what race he is as long as he is a good man who is ready to commit to me and leave all the game playing behind. I will not tolerate any disrespect and mistreatment from anyone let alone the man that’s suppose to love me. Women also need to be realistic about who they are as well. Having all these demands and expectations you want fulfilled that aren’t realistic for who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • StuckInDaMatrix

    This is an interesting article! In truth, interracial dating is not always an option for black women. Why? Because, other races of men are not really checking for black women like black women would have you believe. Sure they would bed you but the marriage rates prove otherwise. Not to sound fatalistic, but a sizable number of black women are going to be left single. Not due to any outside influences but mainly because these women I speak of are bitter, mean, nasty and live up to the horrible stereotypes. In the end, they will have no one to blame but themselves. And being single is not necessarily a bad thing but, let’s be realistic, everyone wants a mate at one point in their lives or another. But ladies we must not let outside influences like biased, Western media influence our mode of thinking nor our perceptions about ourselves and our race.

    • 305MovesLikeDagger

      I wouldn’t say that, a lot of my friends tend to not care about the race of women if she is good looking but if you are a single mom, out of shape and overly agressive hood rat the odds are stack against you because some guys just don’t like baggage.

      • CarlaKah

        I agree with you. However I sometimes wonder if good men don’t have a tendency to also like the bad girls… the way some good women seem to attract and like bad boys.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel

          Yeah, but those men are fools as too.

          • CarlaKah

            Doesn’t mean the’ re bad people. Just confused

        • Rhonda Chambers

          Opposites attract way more often than likes. The wicked women have most of the good men. I’ve seen it firsthand. But a woman whose a good person will attract wicked men. This world is upside down.

          • CarlaKah

            Exactly my point. How can you avoid this while being genuine ?

        • Nope

          Men just like women, period. Any women could get it under the right conditions. Whereas a lot of women specifically go for the Alpha and most popular male. Men also don’t tend to want to wife up bad girls, whereas a lot of women want to rescue and change bad boys.

          • CarlaKah

            I’ve seen men wife up bad girls. Granted that they weren’t considered “bad boys”. I guess it’s all about balance.

    • DeepThinker

      Why is it that there is always one person like you that always thinks he/she can speak for a group of people. “Other races of men are not really checking for black women like black woman would have you believe.” It’s as if you just want to discourage black women from even considering another group, but the main ones doing this discouraging are black men that are busy chasing “the throwback others” themselves. SOME white men are open to dating black women and SOME are not. The same can be said for white women, some are down with the swirl and some are not. When people like you make blanket statements with very little facts to back it up, it just sounds hateful and ignorant.

      • Separationisnatural

        And the reason that was said is b/c we are not talkn about white men DATING A blk woman we are talkn about the MARRIAGE rates. Race has never been an obstacle to sex but marriage is an entirely different issue.

        • StuckInDaMatrix

          Thank you dear!

      • StuckInDaMatrix

        Hi there,
        Well my dear it seems to have hit a sore spot with you. But dear, going by the statistics, what I say is truthful.

        • MarshaBrady345

          LOL. You haven’t hit a sore spot with me at at all. I am just tired of people speaking for other races and making black women feel like men of other races do not want to be with them.
          Here are some statistics:
          Since 2010, There are currently 168,000 white men/black women married couples.
          9,000 asian men/black women married couples.
          18,000 “other” men/black women married couples.
          4.5% of black women are married to men of other races.
          So, yes, men of other races are checking for black women. If what you said was the truth then those numbers would be considerably smaller, like not even a percentage point, and the rate of interracial marriage would be dropping, not rising for black women.

          People like you that throw out the whole, “races of men are not really checking for black women like black women like black women would have you believe” because you want to make black women feel like they have no other options. Well we do. And ladies, get in where you fit in :)

          • StuckInDaMatrix

            Again, I must have hit a sore spot as you took the time and effort to not only rebuttal my post, but, to include your opinion as well. So what you say is not accurate. Also, those statistics are from 2010. I’m sure there are some updated statistics so maybe I’ll do a Google search myself. Again, I stress re-read my first post, the intent was not to discourage black women but to bring a dose of reality. If you can’t accept that, your problem dear not mine!

      • MarshaBrady345

        Thank-you. People like this get on my nerves. They throw that out there to keep black women feeling low. Please. I had to cut a white dude off a few seemed ago because he would not stop blowing my ish up. Ladies, I say date all races of men, and when you find your husband material make sure you guys are on the same page regardless of race.

        • StuckInDaMatrix

          Honey you misinterpreted my post. Where did I try to make black women feel low? If spouting truth makes you feel low, then I’m truly sorry for you.

    • B

      Your statement is false. They rare checking for us and they are getting us. I don’t believe the stats because they don’t match what I am seeing. Statistics are always skewed because they choose a small sample in a population and use that to generalize a trend. Just wait until the next statistic comes out. You’re in for a rude awakening!

      • Nope

        “Statistics are always skewed because they choose a small sample in a population and use that to generalize a trend.”
        And of course it’s only a “generalization” because it’s not complimentary. Statisitcs really aren’t evil people.

    • Rhonda Chambers

      Interraccial dating isn’t much of an option for ANY black person, male or female if you ask me. Most people date their OWN. Why would people be breaking down their doors to mate with a race of people with all the scars, hardships, and trouble we endure on this Earth? So basically, white women aren’t checking for the black man either. Unless he has money, what does a white woman have to gain from being with a man and dealing with his hard existence in this crappy world? I’d say it’s about even. Besides, most black women aren’t checking for white men ANYWAY.

    • Hawaiian Breeze

      ” In truth, interracial dating is not always an option for black women. Why? Because, other races of men are not really checking for black women like black women would have you believe.”

      No, it’s just what you believe.

      • StuckInDaMatrix

        Lol! If I’m wrong where are the stats to prove it so? Once again, I am not talking dating or sex but marriage. The stats prove what I say is truth.