We know that dogs come in all breeds, but can we agree that all men aren’t dogs?
In many of the Black Women: Doomed to Be Single news stories, the recurring advice is black women need to seek love outside the confines of their race. Some advice-givers go as far to assert that, if black women refuse to expand their racial horizons, they will never be married.
Unsurprisingly, this advice is not well-received by the Single Black Female Brigade.
While the advice givers may mean well and feel they were just responding to the “I can’t find a good black man” complaints with the obvious “then don’t date just black men” solution, surely what they’ve found is that some people with questions have already determined that there are no answers.
In fact, instead of exploring this suggestion and determining if there is any merit to the solution based on the expressed problem, these single black women have completely flipped the script altogether. What used to be television specials, books and endless columns about what’s wrong with black men, have now been edited to exclude the word “black” and explain what’s wrong with all men.
As Sil Lai Abrams points out in her Ebony article “The Myth of the White Knight: White Men Are Not the Answer to Black Women’s Problems”:
Black men do not have the market cornered on shady relationship behavior.
She’s right. Black men do not have the market cornered. But because these highly-publicized single black women declared that they’re single because black men are shady, some have recommended these women look at other races.
That’s not sufficient though because as Sil Lai points out:
From my years of field research, I can assure you that a White man can be just as commitmentphobic, misogynistic and unreliable as a Black one.
Over at Clutch Magazine, Stacia Brown further drives this point home:
[The date men of other races] advice is tied to mythical ideas about the superior morality, dating practices, and values of white men, [and] it’s highly problematic.
Noncommittal, emotionally detached, unfaithful men come in all colors. And there’s no valid, non-anecdotal evidence that supports the idea that a white man who dates or marries a black woman is predisposed to treat her better than a black man would.
So White men are out.
And in the comments section on the Clutch article another woman mentioned:
Now days, Chinese women say at least American men play around first then get married, whereas Asian men get married then play around. But, what they don’t know is men play around regardless.
So Asian men are out…oh wait, she mentioned that all men play around regardless so we’re screwed.
This is where we’re at in the black female community? We’ve convinced ourselves that there are no answers to our dating woes and we’re pretty much doomed to play “wifey” because no man anywhere is going to make us his “wife”?
With that kind of attitude, it’s no wonder the statistics are where they are.
I’m not saying that black women need to date outside of their race when they only want to date black men. Relationships should be based on the heart, not logic or mathematical equations. I am saying that we need to collectively check our thoughts and beliefs and see what it is we’ve internalized about black men…and every other man.
For some reason, a slew of black women saw the “date outside of your race” advice as some sort of offensive comment against black men — even though it was clearly an understandable response to a group of women seemingly fed up with their own self-described shallow dating pool.
To go from criticizing one group to criticizing every single man everywhere is out of control and this whole discussion is starting to reek of bitterness and delusion. What part of the game is that? No one is saying we should ignore the negative experiences that we’ve had, but to shout down anyone trying to give you a solution by just hollering about more problems makes it seem like we don’t want an answer.
Maybe dating outside of your race isn’t a viable solution, but finding fault with every single type of man on the planet while you wait for the man of your dreams seems counterproductive and will likely leave you right where you are, single.
Follow Alissa Henry on Twitter @AlissaInPink
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