Girl, I’m Tired: Why You Can’t Let Your Friend’s Problems Become Your Own

July 6th, 2012 - By Valerie J Charles
Friends

MadameNoire.com

I’m tired. No. I’m exhausted, really. Between the tears and late night phone calls, I have somehow absorbed my friend’s issue as my own and it’s now taking a toll on me. I feel her anxiety as if it were mine; the uncertainty of what’s to come; and the overbearing sensation that this dark period will never be over. I dread when the phone rings and I realize it’s her. I choose not to pick it up just so I won’t have to delve back into that abyss with her. And yet, I also want to pick up the phone and just say straightforwardly, “Girl, listen, I’m tired!”

I think at some point in our lives, we have all experienced this issue with our close girlfriends. We try hard to live by that code of sisterhood: honesty, loyalty, and unwavering support. But in that unwavering support, we can take on too much and find ourselves overwhelmed and burdened with our friends’ issues. How do we maintain that fine balance? How do we construct boundaries that allow us to maintain healthy relationships with our girlfriends as we maintain ones with ourselves? I believe that there are three major steps that a good girlfriend must take and maintain to achieve these goals.

The first thing you should always keep in mind is that, your friend’s issue is not your issue. I know, I know. You’ve been besties since kindergarten. In the third grade, you guys became blood sisters. She was your roommate in college for all four years. I understand how our ties can make us feel more bonded and permanently entwined to one another, but at the end of the day she is still her own individual person. Know that there is only so much you can do to help her out when life comes calling with those painful knocks. You can be her shoulder to cry on, be her rock to lean on (for a while), but at the end of the day, this is her experience and her lesson that she needs to learn – not yours.

You should also remember that sometimes it’s best to not offer advice and just listen, while other times it’s very necessary (even if you’re pretending). One of the first things we do when a friend is in crisis is offer advice – whether they have asked for it or not. And there is nothing wrong with offering advice, but it can lead you down a slippery slope. Before you suggest ideas to your friend, listen to her account completely. Don’t cut off or dismiss her story. Not getting the full dish of what is going on can lead you to offer solutions that she may have tried before or might find insensitive, unrealistic, or feel that the suggestions don’t pertain to the obstacles at hand. Also, you have to be prepared for the case in which your friend does not consider your advice at all. People tend to learn from their own trials and errors, therefore your words of wisdom may go through one ear and come out the other. I’ve learned that it is best to cease with the well-meaning counsel if it has been offered more than once and been ignored. Remember, your girlfriend doesn’t have to take your advice and you definitely are not required to provide it.

Lastly, you need to be aware of how much you can take and communicate that to your friend. Let her know that every time you talk to her you don’t want to hear a story that starts with, “GIRL, let me tell you what happened!” If you find that her 3 a.m. phone calls filled with panic are wearing you down, let her know. There is a fine line in being a rock of support in times of need and being a spine. It is your job to be there to comfort, not to hold her up completely. At the end of the day, you can’t be a good friend to anyone if you are not a good friend to yourself. Remember to not over-extend yourself to her to the point where you are experiencing the same symptoms she is or find yourself face to face with her drama. If you find yourself balancing off the tip of a cliff with her, it is definitely okay to let her know the following: “Hey, I can’t do this with you. I’ve come too far. I love you, but this is not my fight. I can support you when you need it, but I can’t sacrifice my wellness to do so.” Of course, these words will most likely not be the words your friend wants to hear, but at the end of the day honesty is one of the principles that keeps sisterhood afloat.

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  • Guest360

    I was JUST talking about this same issue with one of my best friends today. We have this same kind of friend who always seems to be wrapped up in some kind of drama and leans on us for emotional support. It was ok in the beginning. We didn’t mind helping her or trying to give her some much needed advice but after almost 2 years of the same thing, it’s becoming draining. If you aren’t willing to help yourself or even ATTEMPT to get out of the problems you always seem to find yourself in, why should I take them on? I don’t mind helping but when I’m doing most of the heavy lifting while you’re wallowing in your issues, there’s a problem. I have enough issues of my own and I can’t handle anyone else’s right now. It’s exhausting and completely unfair.

  • bluekissess

    I totally understand this story. I had to end a friendship based on that one particular issue. I realized that she didn’t bring joy and positive energy in my life.

  • L-Boogie

    I have been this friend and have done this. Not a good loo either way.

    • L-Boogie

      *look.

  • Cocochanel31

    I have A FRIEND JUST LIKE THAT! It was okay at first but when I started going through my own issues I couldn’t bear the weight of my stuff and hers at the same time. To solve it I stopped engaging in certain conversations or showed minimal interest, until she eventually started to lean on other friends for her emotional outbursts..its entireeely toodraining when dealing with a drama queen!

  • Lopinot

    This “advice” shows that the writer is very selfish and narcissistic. A true sister-friend in crisis needs all of the love and support in the world. Especially since the vast majority of crises are temporary and only last for a season.
    If a sister-friend is good enough to keep close in good times, she is good enough to keep close in bad times. In fact, the bad times are when you should keep her closer to you.
    A few years ago, I was hit with a triple whammy in the course of a few months – divorce, job-loss, and life-threatening illness. My closest girl-friend who I had known for 20 years, who had been my maid of honor, who had benefitted immensely from some career connections made by my mother………..turned her back on me. I guess my problems were just more than she cared to deal with. I never asked her for money, never asked her to intervene, never really asked for advice….I just really needed someone to listen, hug me, and tell me that everything would be ok. She put distance between us and was very cold toward me.
    But as soon as I got a new high-profile job and recovered from my illness….she was back on the scene like nothing happened. No apology, explanation, or acknowledgement of her lack of loyalty.
    I ended the friendship. No fairweather friends for me.

    • Cocochanel31

      I think the author is addressing perceived crisis and not real crisis like the very real ones you mentioned. My friend would call me over things she made up in her head that were not real, or for stuff that only her mother could help with. Its knowing when someone is really going through it or just seeking attention.

    • Yvette

      I don’t think the writer is being narcissistic at all. The writer is not describing the fairweather friend you had. She’s talking about a person who ALWAYS has some type of drama but does NOTHING to deal with it except whine about it, and plays the victim in whatever situation and scared to make tough decisions. I have a friend like that right now that I am slowly backing away from because it truly has become to much for me.

  • Nope

    Hey either she hears it, or the man does as soon as the other person gets home from work. So better the friend than us.