To The Mothers: 7 Signs That You Could Be Raising Your Son To Be A “No-Good Man”
Whenever women congregate, the conversation may easily turn toward endless tales of “no-good men.” You know, the liars, cheats and heart breakers. Chances are, you’ve dated, been in love with, or even married a man before realizing he was of the “no-good” variety, without considering how he got that way.
Society’s unspoken secret is that parents influence your habits, tendencies and relationships, for better or worse. No one’s perfect, including mom and dad. The most many can hope for is that your parent’s imperfections balance each other out so neither screws you up too much.
Far too many boys in black communities are being raised by single mothers, which throws the whole balancing act off. It also puts all the child-rearing on moms shoulders. Many of the lessons children learn from parents are informal and so subtle that you can teach plenty of bad lessons without even trying.
Fast forward a couple decades and your sweet little boy is the grown man women love to complain about. Clearly, grown people are responsible for their own actions, but it’s a lot harder to make better decisions when you’ve been weaned on no-good habits since birth.
Parenting is a challenging job, with far too few displays of recognition or positive guidance. But no one wants to raise a child who causes heartbreak and suffering to others.
If you can identify with any of the following, stop, think about your goals for your child, then take action.
Boys will be boys and single moms may need to be a bit more aggressive (i.e., use more bass in the voice to snap their children in line). If all this aggressive talk (which turns into yelling) makes up even half of the interactions with your child, however, you’re sending him down a slippery slope.
Little boys adore their moms and the relationship you build with him is a template for future relationships with women. Do you really want him to feel like the only way he can communicate with a woman is through screaming and shouting?
Does it hurt to tell your child no? Is the two letter shutdown reserved solely for dangerous situations or when your back is against the wall? It just breaks your heart to utter “no” to your sweet little prince, huh?
Get over it. Fast. “No,” is a natural part of life that builds character, perspective and negotiation skills. Being a “yes” mom is a great way to raise a self-absorbed, egotistical and emotionally selfish man.
Find a balance between succumbing to your kid’s every childish whim and building his confidence and ambition.
Servant moms wait on their boys hand and foot, (i.e., A little boy drops ketchup on his kicks, grunts and points and mom swoops in like the help).
By all means, take care of your babies! Just don’t forget the goal is to raise a man who will be expected to take care of himself, and possibly a family of his own.
Granted, the age of the child determines how much he’s ready to do, but he’s learning either way. How do you not be a servant mom in such a situation? Make it a lesson. “This is a napkin, and this is how you wipe. Now take care of that!”
This one’s a no brainer. Your son is sure to love you, despite using your love as a merry-go-round for an assortment of men. But he’ll likely identify or pick up habits of those male “role models,” which is far from ideal. Not to mention, if his classmates catch wind that you’re a little too free sexually and start cracking on you, little man will have to aggressively defend your honor, and that’s not even fair…
As a single mom, you want your son to honor what you say, but no matter how much bass you put in your voice, a child will have a tough time respecting your commands and promises if you can’t keep your word. The toughest part of disciplining children is sticking to your guns, (i.e., If you say you’re going to the park, then go to the park. Likewise, if you tell your little man no cake before dinner, don’t dare back down to puppy dog eyes).
Flaky moms breed men with a shaky sense of integrity. Small or large, when you renege on your word, you break a commitment and teach your son that it’s completely acceptable to say one thing and then do another.
It’s no secret, kids need a mom present, active and engaged in their life. As soon as a child is old enough to conceptualize who his real mother is and why she isn’t around, he’s on track to a lifetime of resentment and other emotional hangups that carry right on into adulthood. Of course, this also rings true to absent fathers too.
Few things are worse for a kid’s psyche than the moms who wish they weren’t moms or just the mom of a better son. Maybe you weren’t ready to be a mom, or you’re still in shock of being left to parent alone, or maybe you even wish your son was more like this or that.
Get over it, fast. First, you’ll have to face the emotions you’re having and deal with them accordingly rather than pretend to be happy because children pick up on the real thing easily. Get your act together and learn to love your child for who he is, despite the circumstances of how he got there and your current situation, and work to find ways you can build on the man he will become.
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