To The Mothers: 7 Signs That You Could Be Raising Your Son To Be A “No-Good Man”

July 31st, 2012 - By jaebi
"Single Black Mothers"

Caption: funkadelicsquared.blogspot.com

Whenever women congregate, the conversation may easily turn toward endless tales of “no-good men.” You know, the liars, cheats and heart breakers. Chances are, you’ve dated, been in love with, or even married a man before realizing he was of the “no-good” variety, without considering how he got that way.

Society’s unspoken secret is that parents influence your habits, tendencies and relationships, for better or worse. No one’s perfect, including mom and dad. The most many can hope for is that your parent’s imperfections balance each other out so neither screws you up too much.

Far too many boys in black communities are being raised by single mothers, which throws the whole balancing act off. It also puts all the child-rearing on moms shoulders. Many of the lessons children learn from parents are informal and so subtle that you can teach plenty of bad lessons without even trying.

Fast forward a couple decades and your sweet little boy is the grown man women love to complain about. Clearly, grown people are responsible for their own actions, but it’s a lot harder to make better decisions when you’ve been weaned on no-good habits since birth.

Parenting is a challenging job, with far too few displays of recognition or positive guidance. But no one wants to raise a child who causes heartbreak and suffering to others.

If you can identify with any of the following, stop, think about your goals for your child, then take action.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000069236034 D.c. Price

    I denied the first sign. The first deep discussion I had with my ex opened with him stating “I hate my mother”. I should have put on my track shoes and done a FloJo. If a man (male over the age of 21) excuses his own short comings by saying it was caused by the failures of others, RUN OR THE HILLS!. Mothers aren’t capable of teaching a young man how to be a man so the world is being burdened with a bunch of soft, uneducated, mealy mouthed women-men. It sickens me. They are the first one to point their fingers at someone being the cause of their continuous failures. My mother… my father (if they know of one) … My girlfriend… my wife… my ex-wife… my boss… my judge… my probation officer…. etc. These things are a statement of character which cannot be changed after a certain point. Think very hard about aligning yourself with this type of man because if you do you need to be prepared to have all the blame placed on you. He will be lazy, your fault because you nag him, he will be promiscuous, your fault because he is not attracted to you because you nag him, he will be a liar, your fault because he can’t tell you the truth or you don’t want to hear the truth. Finally, the big and all encompassing excuse will be “I can’t do anything to please you so why should I try”. Save yourself the trouble, frustration and aggravation and avoid this brotha…..

  • IJS

    One more… Be the parent, not a friend or worse, trying to make your son your man. I know of a woman who introduced her 12-year old son as “the closest thing she had to a husband”. Ugh.

  • Pingback: 7 Tips To Raise Your Son To Be a Better Man | Madame Noire … | Love Advice

  • Childfree Diva

    Articles like these and everyday living prove to me that I made the right choice to never bring a child into this world. Unfortunately, my mother was one of those remorseful mothers who had too many problems of her own to be really “there” for us, and I really don’t think she wanted to have us at all. She used to say she did the best she could, but I know she either mentally couldn’t or didn’t want to. I’m sure she regretted some of the things that happened in the past, but it would have been better for her to not have us at all. All that to say people really need to critically think before having a kid or two! It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, else why would there be a need for articles such as these? Kudos to the ones out there who are doing good parenting and the kids are turning out okay.

  • quest

    I have 2 sons a 19 year old and a 7 year old. It is so much pressure on boys more so then girls out there I think. My older son went through a stage were he didn’t like his dark skin. That was a hard time for us. Trying to convince a dark skinned black teenager that his skin is beautiful and that is the way God made him. His friends would call him black( then his name). He developed a complex. These boys don’t have to but they need to wear the latest fashions out there or they will get teased. Its bad. There are no mentor programs out there. I had a rough time with him for a minute with high school. I really thought he was gonna go another way on me. Like start getting into trouble but he graduated and is now in college. His father lives in another state. And was there just not physically there. Single mom’s I know your tired and it is hard but keep pushing them and don’t give up on them. I never gave up on mine. And always remained the parent, not the friend/parent. I got one more to go but this one has his father in his life so we can only hope because even with two parents present and proper love and quidence they may still go there own way.

  • Conchita

    My father said something to me when I finally told my parents I was going to be a single mother with no help from his father in raising him and he said a strong woman does not need a man to help her raise her child. I was doubtful at first but then I looked at other examples of children who didnt have their father around and there are some successful people. The mother is the most important parent in a childs life for both a boy and a girl. BTW my son’s father only had his dad in his life and he is as crazy as a cinch. It is a combination of his father spoiling him and his mother leaving him. So this list can also ring true for single dads as well.

  • eestoomuch@aol.com

    i tell my sons about women all the time. i cant tell you what they want from you because every woman is different, but she wants SOMETHING. you have to figure out what it is and what it will cost you, time, money, talent, etc…cause u cant get something for nothing.

  • eestoomuch@aol.com

    please stop with all the psycobabble. people have free will and make their OWN choices, regardless of their backgrounds. stop blaming mothers and fathers. what about all the individuals that defy the odds and are succesful at their careers, love life and families….of course the media never or rarely shines a spotight on them….a LOT of people strive and succeed despite their circumstances….Examples…Einstein, Obama, Oprah, Michael Dell and Bill Gates to name a few…the latter three didnt even graduate from college.

  • mouth

    Nice article. The first one hit home. Temper the aggression. I’ve been learning that one at my house. Aggression is needed from a mama w/boys, but there IS a fine line between teaching respect for authority and just teaching them to BE aggressive.

  • Hello_Kitty81

    I don’t have a son yet, but when I do I will make sure his father is there for him. I can’t teach a boy how to be a man.

    • http://www.facebook.com/maya.bee.77312 Maya Bee

      I think most women try to have the father in their child’s life. However, men are difficult. Some are jerks and do not help out…what’s a mom to do?

  • RelationshipDNA

    Research shows that men are indeed more affected by the relationship with their mothers and for girls, it’s all about dad. When you consider our parents, present or not are the ones we look to first when it comes to learning how to love, it only stands to reason that we are in fact wholly responsible for how our children turn out. If more of us understood the weight of such a responsibility, perhaps we would be more conscious about the quality of life we will be able to give these children who in turn will become adults. In the black community, we have a perpetual policy of turning out fatherless girls and emotionally stunted men…but that seems be more than okay these days. It’s a little scary.

    • realadulttalk

      Agreed!!!

  • TeahMonae

    Did anyone watch Love and Hip Hop last
    night when it was revealed that Stevie J’s mother abandoned him as a baby?
    Knowing that explains a lot about why he is the way he is. However, at some
    point in your life, you have to at least try to overcome some of the things
    that have happened to you. No matter how you were raised or what kind of mother
    you have, you have to choose to be a better person. There are countless men
    that have come from negative backgrounds that have overcome the odds and have
    chosen to be upstanding men. I know that some things can be so hurtful and
    traumatic that a person never gets over it, but you can’t be 30 years old still
    blaming your actions on the kind of mother you had.

    • Nope

      And the same can be said for blaming the man that ran out on his child/was pushed out 5+ years ago.

      • TeahMonae

        Agreed.

        • TeahMonae

          “Nope”- Just read your
          statement again and wanted to expand on my response. I agree that that father
          that ran out on his child is just as much to blame as the mother’s described in
          the article. However, I don’t believe in a father being “pushed out”
          of his child’s life. If the mother isn’t cooperating with visitation, etc, it
          is the father’s responsibility to go to court and try to get visitation rights.
          Some men just give up and don’t fight to be in their child’s life. I know of
          the stories of “baby’s mothers” proving to be difficult but unless she picks up
          and moves, changes her identity and disappears from the face of the earth, you
          can always be a part of your child’s life if you really want to.

          • Nope

            Yeah, I agree with this. It’s just a shame that a father’s worth is essentially determined by how much bs he puts up with, not even from his child if he even gets that far, but from his former lover.

          • http://www.facebook.com/brandon.hallme Brandon Hall

            Why should he have to fight for a right that should be his? Why should he have to spend money (that could go towards something for the child) to get a right that should be his? Why can’t the woman just be a good person for the betterment of their child, even through a bitter relationship? If you tell a man he isn’t needed or worth anything in your life/the child’s life, why would he stick around? Even when using contraception you can create a child, why aren’t people choosing their sexual partners more wisely? Remember one thing, your opinion of men/fathers and your treatment of them will manifest in your male child.

            • TeahMonae

              I agree with you. I’m just saying that if the mother isnt cooperating or she happens to be one of the ones that isnt thinking of her child’s best interest or is being bitter or spiteful, the father shouldnt just give up. I’ve know guys that took the attitude of ” I dont feel like fighting with her, I dont want to deal with the bs, I’ll try to explain to my child when they get older why I wasn’t there.” IMO, that’s an easy way out. It’s certainly not fair that the father has to spend money for attorney fees, etc. to go to court, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

    • RelationshipDNA

      I agree with you, on having to finally make a choice to better yourself rather than continuing to blame their issues on the past, but that can prove to be difficult if you’re not even aware of why we are the way we are. Some kind of self introspection and discovery has to occur and though some will find a way out and overcome their shortfalls, it takes an extraordinary effort to change a pattern that is literally ingrained in you. And we all know, most people aren’t extra ordinary. You can only hope someone or something interferes in time to give them that necessary paradigm shift to feel the need to change.

    • realadulttalk

      Yes! It explained so much. A mother’s love is very important in everyone’s life. Your mother carried you, bore you, should have developed a bond with you. So while you may say that 30 years later you should be over it…I don’t think anyone ever gets over that. Your mother is supposed to be the first person who loves you…the person who is always there for you, etc. I can’t say I’ve ever met an emotionally stable person who lacked that love. And before anyone says it…it doesn’t have to necessarily be your biological…but it needs to be.

  • sabrina

    I can reflect on some of the boys that I dealt with and smh as I realize this is probably what they grew up to, making them the way they are today. I personally am not yet prepared to raise a son…I feel like there’s even more pressure on raising a son than a daughter. You gotta keep him off the streets, teach him how to be a decent man, teach him how to strong and defend himself, but not to be a troublemaker, etc.
    “I finally understand for a woman it ain’t easy tryna raise a man.” – Tupac … ain’t that the truth?

  • royal

    Dony forget the overly religous mom!

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    Let’s talk about the ratcheted mothers who raise their sons to emulate the ratcetness in our communities with pride. . .

    • Jess

      Most of those “moms” listed are usually ratchet. So there you go.

  • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

    Single dad keeps winning!

    • http://www.facebook.com/maya.bee.77312 Maya Bee

      Being a single mom or dad is not a winning situation for the child.

  • Nope

    It will be interesting to see the responses on this one, if any. Women like to complain about the ‘quality’ of men but especially since the late 70′s/early 80′s chances are that A WOMAN RAISED HIM.

    • Kay

      Only because The deadbeat “fathers” aren’t around leaving the mother to raise a boy on herr own. The blame for “lack of quality men” goes both ways.

      • Nope

        My point is that we hear alllll about the deadbeat “fathers”. And I’m not making excuses for them. But why don’t we ever hear about the mothers of these dumb @ss, bad @ss, ‘low quality’ men that are being raised by WOMEN. It’s like with coaches, you get a pass for inheriting a situation, but after a few seasons, that’s YOUR team now. A lot of women want to put 100% blame on fathers when the kid grows up messed up, but rush to get props and accolades if a kid happens to make deans list. Can have it both ways.

        • Nope

          mean’t CAN’T have it both ways.

          • skinny

            you need 2 parents to raise a kid. Any single parent who has to work, cook , clean and raise kids cant be expected to get an “A” in everything….So yes it is the deadbeat dad’s fault for leaving one person to do the job of 2. :)

            • Hey

              What if the “dead beat” dad wasn’t ready to be a father just yet? And before you reply he should have used a condom or something, i hope you know the woman has the ultimately 100% decision power (to keep or not). Don’t spread the legs if you don’t want the baby or better still go on pills. Women are so quick to blame men for their woes, but hey you knew he was a looser before having his baby, but you went ahead and did any way. All of a sudden you expect a miracle of him to be a responsible father; oh please. Maybe you should just start with you first!

              • Nope

                A lot of women lay down with men they knew didn’t even like them back. Just look at all of the cosigning that went on with the Bottom Chick article on here from last week…… I’m not saying it’s right, just don’t act surprised.

              • Angel

                Thank you Maya Bee. The excuses of why men dont see their kids is really killing me. Where theres a will theres a way.A real man will do all he can to have a relationship with his blood point blank period.

                • http://www.facebook.com/maya.bee.77312 Maya Bee

                  Right! I hate when men act as if women have all the control. If a man has a childish baby mama that uses her son to control him then he need to take her to custody court. But, it’s an excuse to run away from his fatherly duties.

                  • Angel

                    You hit the head on the nail. I acknowledge that there are trifling baby mommas out there but im sorry thats not an excuse to let day after day go by with no action being taken for you to see your child. These guys dont want it bad enough.

                  • Angel

                    You hit the head on the nail. I acknowledge that there are trifling baby mommas out there but im sorry thats not an excuse to let day after day go by with no action being taken for you to see your child. These guys dont want it bad enough.

                  • Angel

                    You hit the head on the nail. I acknowledge that there are trifling baby mommas out there but im sorry thats not an excuse to let day after day go by with no action being taken for you to see your child. These guys dont want it bad enough.

                  • Angel

                    You hit the head on the nail. I acknowledge that there are trifling baby mommas out there but im sorry thats not an excuse to let day after day go by with no action being taken for you to see your child. These guys dont want it bad enough.

              • Childfree Diva

                Both parties are responsible, however, if a woman finds herself pregnant, she can choose not to have the baby or give the baby up for adoption, but most women have the kid anyway without really thinking how it will affect her life. Then, there are others who think, “Oh, it’ll turn out for the best!” or “God must have wanted me to have this baby!” And some of those same ones constantly leave their kid(s) over to their grandparents’/relatives/friend’s house, abuse them or kill them because they are not really ready to be a parent, much less a single parent, in the first place.

                • http://www.facebook.com/maya.bee.77312 Maya Bee

                  Of course. I know that women are not totally innocent either. But you have to understand the heart of a mother. It’s easy to say “Oh I’ll have an abortion or give it up for adoption.” But, our maternal instinct kicks in over reason and common sense. If men do not want to be a father, then they need to put a condom on. Plain and simple.

        • http://www.facebook.com/maya.bee.77312 Maya Bee

          Every situation and every son and every environment and every choice is different; which will end with a different result every time. For example, President Obama was raised by a single mom…but he was RAISED in Hawaii (not much foolery there). The reality is that most young boys being raised in the hood without a dad will not know the meaning of manhood. THIS IS THE FATHER’S FAULT. Every now and then, young fatherless boys will get strucked by lightning and not be the statistic.