Only Christian Men Need Apply: Why I Think It’s Important to Share Religious Beliefs

July 1st, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Black Couple"

Source: soulmateforchristians.blogspot.com

When I was fourteen, I said never again.

Never again would I date someone who was not a Christian like I am. I said this after my sixteen-year-old boyfriend told me he had sex with a girl from his school. He justified it saying, “Well you wouldn’t have sex with me.” Even at fourteen I knew to hang up the phone on him. I made the decision from that day forward I would not look twice at a guy who wasn’t a Christian.

I held on to that resolve for years, but it wasn’t that hard. I went to a Christian school and went to  church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night. I knew tons of Christian guys…well, Christian in theory. I didn’t need them to be Jesus Junkies, I just needed them to understand the things of God and understand me in that way. I needed them to be guys who prayed and read the Bible on their own time who didn’t call me “church girl”. I just wanted to make my dating life easier.

When I was 19 and enrolled in Bible College, I met the love of my college life. The first one, anyway. He was Christian just like I wanted and I was head over heels. When I moved away for state university, our long-distance relationship survived about two years, we amicably (and predictably) split. Still, I was devastated. Not because I lost my boyfriend, but because I felt I lost my future husband (dramatic, I know). From then on, I decided dating a man I wanted to marry was too much pressure and caused too much sadness in the end. I just wanted to date for fun and not necessarily marriage, so faced with the tons of non-Christian men at my school and back home, I reasoned that it didn’t matter if the guy was a Christian or not.

I quickly realized that my heart is too intense for “fun” when I met the second college love of my life at 21. He was darn near Atheist and I knew I was in trouble. I can’t even count how many beliefs I went against while pursuing that relationship. We had great conversations but our differing religious and moral beliefs made my head spin. So much for fun, I was miserable. After that “relationship”, I was already driving down the wrong road and I just kept driving, dating man after man who offered me nothing but an all-expense paid extended stay in Heartbreak Hotel without even the parting gift of a memory of being in an actual relationship.  Nope, just one emotionally distant guy after another who didn’t share my morals or beliefs in any way.

One day, while lamenting yet another painful experience, I remembered what I had said ten years earlier when I was fourteen. Once again, I decided I was done. I knew that if I could ever hope to be in a functioning relationship with a man who loved me, I needed to stop talking to guys who weren’t Christians.

My relationship with Jesus is very important to me and those negative experiences taught me that Christianity is a huge thing to not have in common. Nobody’s perfect, not even Christian guys, but I needed someone who was walking the same path I was. Considering the men I knew, I considered going to live in a monastery since I was convinced there were no single, Christian men anywhere.

A few years later, after a couple more negative experiences (because old habits die hard), I finally did meet a Christian man who ended up being the love of my entire life — not just my college life. He is someone who prays with me, goes to church with me, discusses the things of God with me and just understands me on a different level than any other guy I’ve dated.

Of course, there are a lot of things about him that make him special beyond the fact that he’s a Christian, but our mutual religious beliefs bond us in a way that is hard to describe.

I used to feel bad when I would tell men that I only date Christians, but after marrying one, I realize that was the best decision I ever made.

Follow Alissa Henry on Twitter @AlissaInPink

More on Madame Noire!

 

Tags:

, ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

Newer Comments →

  • Pingback: Rumor Control – Madame Noire | Avoid Getting Pregnant

  • cabugs

    “I quickly realized that my heart is too intense for “fun” ” – Story of my life. As I get older, I am realizing that I am way too emotional and intense for myself. I like to have “fun” don’t get me wrong, but the aftermath for me is worry, guilt, grief and just a feeling of shallowness – this is not me, I think. I am also a Christian, but one who is just nominal on the outside. There is a war in my heart b/c I want to know, love and follow Christ, and I want a man who does the same, but sometimes it just seems so much easier to follow the world. I am extremely happy for you, Ms.Henry. I feel that God has truly blessed you. I am turning 19 in a month and I’ll be in my second year in college. I want to be strong and follow God!

  • cake211

    this was a great article, i’m glad I read it. the importance of being able to unite spiritually with a partner is so underrated. this is a struggle for most christians, myself included. thanks for your story

  • jason vorhees

    As an ignostic ive often wondered. Outside of premarital sex and praying daily/keeping the sabbath what christian values are carried that are differenent from a person who is a agnostic, athiest or ignostic with a high moral standard?

  • kansasgirl

    Thank you for your candor in this article. As a 30 yr old Christian woman myself (who still has her Vcard, and not because of the lack of prospects) I can totally identify. For me (and I state this for me, if it doesn’t fit you then move on to the next) I NEED someone who shares the same beliefs as me. Listen I speak from a child who is the product of an unequally yoked marriage (my mother is a Christian and my Dad “visits” church on holiday’s) and its been a difficult road..seriously. And because of that I want more for myself and more for my future family. However advise from my pastor is to stop looking for someone who has qualities that you don’t meaning. Don’t look for a nice sanctified, and saved man (or person) if you don’t fit the category yourself.

  • Guest1234

    FYI. The 16 -year-old guy didn’t cheat on you because of his religious beliefs (or non-beliefs). He cheated on you because he was a jerk. Jerks come in all colors, religions, sizes, walks of life, etc…

    This just reads like some superior BS. One of my favorite quotes is: “it’s not your BELIEFS that make you superior. It’s your BEHAVIOR.” And going around writing articles suggesting that your morals are better than someone else who’s jewish, muslim, hindu, whatever… just because you’re christian is deplorable behavior. I don’t think Christ is looking down favorably on your actions. It’s very un-christian. Christians are not better people than folks of other religions. And a good christian would know that. (This is coming from a christian, by the way.)

    This was a pretty ignorant and sad read.

    • Nope

      And some women get cheated on because their man was just plain miserable with her. Not justifying it, but every woman isn’t as awesome as she thinks.
      Ever notice how if a woman cheats, it’s because her man didn’t realize how awesome she was…. and if her man cheats on her, it’s still beause he didn’t realize how awesome she was….

    • Papillon

      I’m surprised the author was allowed to date at 14. I was raised in a strict christian religion and dating was only for those who were serious about getting married.

      • MLS2698

        Yeah, this must be something new to have a boyfriend at fourteen, or sixteen as a Christian. School comes first. Anyone wanna find trouble keeping the faith, find yourself a boyfriend to make things complicated.

      • nana

        Dating at 14 is not condemnable… Each (Christian) family has their own convictions regarding these things.

    • nana

      You’re acting very “Un-Christian” (whatever that means) She realised she made a couple of mistakes and she’s sharing that. She never mentioned being superior and you as a “Christian” come across as very judging and negative. Go home.

    • cake211

      how does her saying that she needs to be with a christian man condemn men of any other religion? there was no hint of superiority in this article. she need to be with a christian man. does that mean a man of any other belief aint ish? No!

  • Nope

    What is a “real Christian” anyway. Seems like this is only ever said in hindsight and by people that are salty about one thing or another. Seems like a moving target conveniently used by many for manipulation.

    • Guest1234

      Exactly. For people like this, a “real christian” is someone who does and says exactly what she wants them to. She’s wielding her religion in the most manipulative way possible. Everyone who isn’t exactly like her is a heathen. Methinks Christ, himself, would be disgusted at people with these attitudes. And FYI, Jesus Christ was a Jew. I guess that means he’s beneath her and going to hell.

      • cake211

        what are you talking about? when did she ever call anyone a heathen? I feel like this article has gone over your heads…

      • Vio12

        What article did YOU read??? Crazy how people twist the words of others to suit their own deluded mindsets…… XD

  • melaninman

    Fyi, studies have consistently indicated that non religious people are actually more familiar with the religions of the religious. So maybe they could actually teach people something.

  • Separationisnatural

    I feel the same way from a Muslim point of view. I love the way Muslim men are MEN. Almost all the Muslim wives I know don’t have to wk if they don’t want. They can stay home to raise their children, have their own biz etc. Our men are taught early to be providers and leaders and be morally grounded. I love real Christian people too. Glad you found a great husband. Im so Thankful to Allah for sending me one. As Muslims we believe that havn a great mate is like experienceing heaven on earth. Salaam. :)

  • Papillon

    This is a country where 80% of its citizens profess to be christians. If you want a christian mate, it’s really not that hard to get one. Try being part of the 20%…

    • Fresh45

      I’m a part of that other 20%; I’m a black man that lives in the south, so its definitely a lot harder to find a woman who isn’t a Christian or one who doesn’t believe in religion. I have way too many questions about Religion to believe in it; I think its going to very hard to find a woman who’s like me, especially a black woman in the south.

      • Separationisnatural

        Oh yes brotha I grew up christian and never believed that white jesus was God hated the corruption in the church. I was agnostic for a min then finally found my way to orthodox Islam. I also grew up in the south you need to travel or move. Lol.

        • Fresh45

          I plan on doing both very very soon.

      • Papillon

        I’m from the south too (Georgia), so I can definitely relate from the female perspective. Dating is difficult, and so it making friends. I can’t be myself around them and say what I really feel because I just don’t want to deal with the judgment. I really get tired of censoring myself.

        • Fresh45

          I used to be like that until I realized that I really don’t care what people think anymore. Majority of my friends and family grew up in the church; my parents never really made me go to church even though they grew up in it, nor did they force their religious beliefs on me. I used to be ashamed of that until I realized that there is nothing wrong with not believing in something that nobody can prove to be true and something that Man made up. 2 of the main reasons why I don’t believe in religion is because, you don’t know which religion is the correct one to worship. Nobody can give you answer to that because who in their right mind is going to admit that they’re worshiping the wrong religion. My barber couldn’t even tell me the answer to that question and he’s a pastor. I’m a free spirit and I feel like religion puts restrictions on how you live your life. I don’t like being told how to live my life. I feel like religion has done more to separate people, than it has to bring us together. I don’t have anything against people who do worship a religion, I just feel like we should agree to disagree instead judge one another.

  • yaaassss!

    …and let the church say AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • sabrina

    This definitely inspired me and gave me hope because I’m at the same point as you were…I would only like to date a Christian guy.

  • Kashbmaryd

    I would like to say that while I understand why the writer would only want to date a Christian man, she could have missed the man God intended for her by doing that. I read in the New Testament that it is ok for a Christian to date a non Christian. There are even stories in the Bible about people not being at the same place in God (Hosea anyone?), yet that was what God’s will required. I was an atheist for 8 years when i met my wife and it is the best thing that happened to me. I actually saw God with her and i have come full circle because of it. So while i can understand the writer’s sentiment, it may be blind to what God actually has in store for her (but I’m glad she did find that person she was so desperately seeking).

    • Rafaelchick1

      New Testament… 2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? There is truth to that in the Old Testament, but after Christ there is a New Covenant. There are more scriptures in the new testament about the role of husbands and wives as well. in Ephesians 5, Colosssians 3 and 1 Peter 3…. God would like us to be equally yoked, which makes sense to me, it stops a lot of heartache and misunderstanding before it would even start. Anyway, I became Christian because of a boyfriend, who I eventually (ironically) left after realizing he wasn’t actually living as a true believer does!!

      • melaninman

        Using the Bible as evidence (which is full of wholes, contradictions, ommissions, and is flat out historically incaccurate in many important cases) is setting yourself up for failure.

        • cake211

          just because you dont believe in the bible, it doesnt negate it’s importance for other people.

  • rosemary davis

    That’s why the bible has wise counsel and gudiance about marrying only in the Lord and not becoming unevenly yoke with unbeleivers.Marrying someone who beleives as you do makes the marriage arrangement much easier to deal with especially with all the ups and downs that a couple will exeperience this is where havinf the same beleifs can play a major role when it comes to solving problems because they can always go to the bible (together) and see what it has too say on any problem and find the solution.

  • Treacle234

    What is Bible College, is that a Theology school or Theology degree?

  • ieshapatterson

    this was refreshing.i’m glad you held fast to your faith and didn’t compromise.everybody wants Christians to settle and twisted the rules of the bible to fit their own needs(the sad part is,some actually do) and that’s not how it goes.hearing you have the same problem and knowing you over came it,is encouraging to another young christian woman.

  • Vio12

    Amen, now!!! This was truly a blessing!!! As a Christian man myself, I haven’t been in a relationship for over 22 years, because I’m simply waiting on the woman that God has called me to have. And in the time before that happens, I’m just allowing God to just mature me, and increase my faith and trust in Him, so that I’ll be ready to be the boyfriend, husband, and future father that God wants me to be for her and our family. God is awesome. B)

    • Misty

      Wow! B, if after 22 years God hasn’t “matured you” and your “faith and trust hasn’t increased” in him then boy, I don’t know…..Keep on waiting on that woman brother! *roll eyes*

      LMAO!!

      • Vio12

        I’m sure that was a hilarious comment in your mind, but I’m only 23. Certainly no need for negativity. Be blessed, Misty. B)

    • JaneDoe

      Thats somewhat discouraging

      • Vio12

        How? I’m only 23 years old.

    • Nope

      And you’ll get dumped after week 1 by a woman that doesn’t think you’re experienced enough.

      • Vio12

        I’m sorry if that was your experience, but I’m confident in what the Lord has for me. You be blessed, now.

    • cake211

      There aint nothing wrong with this man’s journey. Marriage isn’t the end all-be all goal as a Christian man or woman, sometimes God needs for us to be single to do the best work. He’s not missing anything anyway, even over 22 years, because at the end of the day, the woman he’s meant to be with will be more than worth anything he could have had before her. Love is firstly patient, God bless you sir.

      • Vio12

        Amen, cake211. I definitely appreciate your encouragement. I’m definitely not worried about nay-sayers. Believe me, I know what the Lord has for me, and I’m just waiting on Him in the meantime.

    • STARO

      God is all great, all good, all powerful and beyond awesome . . . However, I don’t believe He promised anyone a mate. I’m certainly open to be proven wrong by/in HIS holy word. But personally, I think it’s the waiting-on-God mentality that keeps good men and women chronically single. You’re/we are over complicating things. This is comes from a born-again Christian woman. The key to our joy (I believe) is being proactive in the single-and-looking stage by focusing on compatibility with our CORE VALUES. Faith in Jesus Christ is obviously a core value, and I’m sure we all have plenty of other things we consider core values (honesty, responsibility, family etc.). People are not like new cars, where you get to add on options to your specifications. But rather we are all used vehicles (even us made new in Christ)–you can get what you need, if YOU KNOW what it is you need for the journey. I believe God wants to bless and show his favor at all times, in all of our circumstances. Ask for His blessing upon the relationship you decide upon and be ready to respond (move forward or move on). But 22-years is too long to wait for the sky to open up and release heavenly perfection into your very human hands.

      • Misty

        I couldn’t agree with you more!

      • Vio12

        How is it too long to wait when I’m only 23?

  • NaturalJem

    Your story is very beautiful and I’m glad you decided to share it on here. It really spoke to me as I am also waiting for my future husband who must have a relationship with Jesus Christ as well. The non believers/somewhat Christians I used to talk to definitely weren’t the ones. Congratulations to you!!!

  • NONNI

    interesting because i just came out of a relationship with a commited christian guy. that was one of the reasons that made me agree to date him because we shared the same religious beliefs…he is very much involved in church activities has position of leadership and even sings in the choir problem is he believes in having pre-marital sex and dating more than one woman at a time…there was more than one commited woman in this relationship…i have decided to date a “moderate” christian guy from now on not all these pretenders

    • Soso

      He’s obviously not a committed Christian guy if he believes in pre-martial sex hun LOL

      • NONNI

        yep thats why i got out out turns out he has dated four girls me included…one for 4 years another one for 2 years…another one for 2 and a half years and then me for ten months all in a span of five years…and i mean’t to put the “committed” in quoted in the first post lol

      • Fresh45

        He sounds like Christian to me.

        • JaneDoe

          LMAO….

  • Rachel

    This was one of the most honest, real & touching articles I’ve ever read on here. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks again for sharing your story. Kudos for you standing your ground & holding to your standards in the end.

Newer Comments →