Now I Understand: When Someone Shows Me Who They Are, I Believe Them

June 27th, 2012 - By Marissa Ellis

One of the most oft-quoted sayings from the great Maya Angelou is this one: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” It is a very critical lesson of life. Unfortunately, many of us don’t necessarily apply this statement the very first time we meet someone. Here, at Madame Noire, while mulling over story ideas, we thought about this quote more and how it applied to ourselves. I, for one, can say that as I have gotten older I’ve paid more attention to the actions and words of those around me.

It’s apparent that Angelou’s lesson can be applied to all types of relationships and situations, but it most clearly resonated with me in the case of friendships. Looking back, I can see how certain disappointing friends actually revealed their character to me, only for me to ignore them. Nonetheless, those same friends continued to show me who they were, causing a rift between us. Two examples include Sharita and Eve (names changed for obvious reasons).

“Sharita”

Known for: Lies, lies and more lies

A few years ago, I reconnected with an old associate when she moved to the city I was residing in at the time. We became fast friends. Within months, I would consider her one of my closest friends and it was apparent that we had started to build a level of trust with each other that wasn’t so common in my post-college life. Six months later, that friendship evaporated. What happened? I became a victim of the little white lies I had seen her purge with others. At first, I didn’t mind those seemingly innocent lies. She would tell co-workers she had pre-existing obligations that prevented her from doing after work outings, she told her cousins she’d be out of town when they asked to come and visit her, etc. Needless to say, I ended up catching her in a hurtful lie that I should’ve seen coming. If she was so quick to tell lies to cover up these small incidents, you can imagine what she was capable of.

“Eve”

She is: The one you shouldn’t bring around a man of interest

Another friend of mine turned out to be more boy-crazy than I thought. I always knew she liked getting attention from men but I didn’t understand that her need could potentially cross the line. Mind you, she has yet to cross the line with me personally but recently I peeped behavior that definitely caused concern. A friend in the circle, who happens to be a married man, constantly flirts with her. Although I’ve repeatedly told her that it’s not appropriate for him to do so, and that she should set him straight verbally, she excuses his behavior as “innocent.” But this wasn’t the first time that I got a clear clue about Eve. She ‘s told me that she had dated a married man once who was separated from his wife. I realize that situations are more complicated than they may seem on the surface but if I were to heed Angelou’s words, I would’ve made noted that story about her affair with a separated-yet-still married man and understood what it was meant to communicate: that she is not someone who 100 percent respects the relationships of others. Could I eventually trust Eve around my own husband? If I do, I have to understand my own part in any potential wrongdoings.

It’s true that when you pay attention to what someone is communicating about themselves, it saves you a lot of pain and trauma in the long run. If a man tells you he’s not ready to settle down: believe him. When a co-worker tells you “all’s fair in business and war”; be careful around him. When a new girlfriend tells you that women are not to be trusted, watch out for that chick.

I’ve obviously had more great friends than I’ve had questionable friends, but I don’t know if most people can say the same. We’ve all met the person who is so jaded on people because of terrible experiences with family, friends, and lovers. But I’m of the mind that all adults have a part to play in their negative experiences. Oftentimes, many of those experiences can be avoided by paying attention Maya Angelou’s words.

As for myself, although I haven’t discarded every person that has come into life and who I’ve judged (rightfully so), I do keep a healthy distance from those that I know I can’t fully trust.

What’s your story? Are you good at protecting yourself against those with unhealthy attributes or intentions?

 

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  • Miss D

    It’s not easy to let go, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I had a friend who was like a sister to me in highschool. We were just alike, got along well, and had several mutual friends we hung out with. Toward the end of HS, she changed. Gossiping, being moody, acting as though she were better than everyone else. We ended up going to the same college and things stayed the same. I just stopped reaching out to her. She spoke badly about my friends to me, so I knew she was doing the same when I wasn’t around. She was always in my business, asking my friends who I was involved with – things she had no business knowing because she wasn’t my friend. At 25, we still have the same mutual friends, so I see her when we all go out. I am always civil and respectful when I see her. Sometimes we even joke around like when we were good friends. But I know better than to get close to her again. What’s funny is that she has done so many people this way, even those within our group of friends….yet they continue to tell her their business and act like she’s a sweet, trustworthy person. Oh well. I cut my losses years ago and moved on. I have replaced her with better friends who have my best interest at heart.

  • GalaxyEmpress

    Sometimes you just have to cut people off, even “family.” There are billions of people in this world, millions in every major city, why put up with crap from a hand full??? NO!!

    • L-Boogie

      Totally agree.

  • http://twitter.com/unque43 LaVerne

    First situation: My sister, I always thought my older sister loved me. I love her and still do. I always tried to do what made her happy, so she wouldn’t be angry at me. As we grew into adults, if I didn’t say or do something the way she thought she would stop speaking to me and I would ask her what did I do? She would tell me and I would tell her I am sorry. For most of our adult life she always had something going. Even to the point where my other siblings stop speaking to me one brother under me hasn’t spoken to me for 28 yrs my youngest sister follows in her foot step. Well recently she needed a place to live. I have a second home that I offered her to live she was to pay rent but once she moved in she was unable to pay rent. I allowed her to stay for 10 mos. rent free she was to pay rent starting the 6 mos. Well starting the 6th month she stop speaking to me but continued to live in my home rent free, cable and utilities in my name. I knew it was a risk she has always work to get freebies, Law suits anything she could get that she didn’t have to work for. I knew how she is but I thought this one time she would see I love her if I helped her this time after many years of her crap not to just me but she has not spoken to our mother for years because she thinks our mom didn’t do enough for her. If you don’t count being there for her when she needed it. Well she moved out of the house left the electric bill which was connected to my home account so I was without electric had to pay her bill and mine and to this day I am still paying this bill. The thing about it I knew how my sister was. She had shown me her true self for years. I grew up with her. She has three kids who do not speak to our family because she taught them this way but when her sons are in trouble with the law. She knows how to call for their bail money. So when someone shows you who they are believe them. I wish I had.

  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    I think it is important to pay just as much to (if not more) attention to the words that are unspoken as well as spoken. Actions, or lack thereof, say it all…hence when people get cut from my life.

  • bluekissess

    I have two situations. Both dealing with the opposite sex.

    Female
    She gossiped… ALOT. The lesson I learned was if someone gossips all the time don’t be surprised when they gossip about you. Unfortunately, she gossiped to my cousin about me. I ended that.

    Male (happened today)
    Someone I liked and enjoyed conversing with he was older (37) I was younger (25). It was approximately a five year relationship/friendship. At one point he was incarcerated came out wiser (so I thought). He had this sort of no nonsense about him. He said what he felt. To make a long story short he had a bad day I said something he didn’t like and created a subliminal Facebook status calling me a b*tch. Never thought in a billion years I thought he would call me that. I became the bigger person and apologized to him if I said anything out of line. He didn’t apologize. And it hurts. We have argued many of times but not to the point he calling me a B. I won’t be going back. I never will respect someone who disrespects me.

    (I know I have grammatical errors. Forgive me)

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