Stop Wasting Precious Time (And Eggs) on Noncommittal Partners

September 1, 2010 ‐ By Christelyn Karazin

A very close friend of mine just filed for divorce after a seven-year marriage.  The reason?  She’s 35, wants a baby (which her husband promised, but now reneged) and now feels her ovaries shriveling up like raisins with every passing day.

Of course there are other problems, but the point of this conversation is that my friend is no longer tolerating putting off her dream to be a mother–married with family–with someone who just doesn’t see things the same way.  Smart girl.  Get out.  Get ALL the way out.

I’ve seen women wait 10 years for a man to commit, and have given their best reproductive years and the prime of their beauty to boyfriends who keep dangling the marriage carrot (or in this case, karat) just to appease their mates and keep them around for as long as possible.

But then again, we Mesdames have to own our part.  Some of us treat our relationships like a marriage rehersal: cooking, cleaning, sexing, having babies and acting like a wife without the benefits.  If you’re doing all that, what the hay-ell is the motivation for your mate to put a ring on it?

“Women waste years of their lives with men that have no real plan for a future with them, and are just enjoying the companionship and sex offered by what they perceive to be a casual relationship,” says Deborrah Cooper, a dating and relationship expert and blogger for Surviving Dating.

“When a man is firmly entrenched in a relationship, he will not only “mention” a future, his thoughts will be backed up by solid, clearly identifiable action. He will use words like “next year when we get married” or “I was thinking about the real estate market and getting a fair price for our current homes when we buy our new house together after we’re married.” See the difference? Factual statements followed by action items.”

Bottom line: The next time you go to the mall with your man and walk by a Zales and mention how pretty that canary diamond ring looks and he rushes to the nearest Foot Locker for some sneakers, you might want to consider who REALLY needs to do some running.

Christelyn D. Karazin founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 70 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.  She is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed and runs a blog,, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships.

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  • Yolandes

    Christelyn, your friend did everything right, got married so she can have her kids in wedlock. I wonder why her husband has reneged on his plan to father children with her? sounds odd to me. I can only say he probably does not see her as the woman he wants to have children with. I bet after the divorce he ends up making a child with someone else while she is still childless..I see this over and over again. Anyways, I hope she finds a man with whom she is spiritually and mentally aligned.

    Women may do everything right and still come out at a loss in the end. Women should know the odds are always against them in any relationship. I honestly thing there has to be a certain amount of cunning on a woman's side when she decides to enter any long-term relationship, at the end of the day love can only do so much.

  • StacyAustralia

    I agree. I think a lot of times us women spend to much time trying to appease men who are not even worth it. Even though I wrote a piece entitled "…You want a man, but you can't cook"- I am still for liberation. You should be cooking and cleaning for yourself first and foremost before give all of this to a man who does not even see long-term with you. It's cool to give some but do not give all.

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