Helping or Hurting? Why I Decided To Stop Giving Relationship Advice To My Girlfriends

June 25th, 2012 - By Marissa Ellis

Her current boyfriend not only made it clear that he is “not in love with her,” but also has a ton of baggage that would’ve rendered him undatable by someone like me. Yeah, you can guess: he had baby mama drama, low ambition, etc. In any case, since this was her fourth serious relationship, since she was super ready to settle down and since my advice didn’t really seem to have helped previously, I decided to just take on the role of being a good listener without judgement. I was good for a couple of years. But then she decided to really press me for feedback instead of being satisfied with an attentive ear. So I told her what I’ve been thinking and what I thought she already knew: she was too good for him.

Well, it didn’t go over too well. She got a little defensive and she seemed to distance herself immediately after that conversation. But honestly, I can’t blame her too much. Although I felt justified since she persisted in asking for my insight, I now understand that there’s a lot more to the relationship that I know. When she responded to my advice, she did bring up all the great qualities about him that I never heard about him.  Like most people, she vented about the negative aspects of the relationship but didn’t communicate much about the positives. Even though I heard her out and tried to digest his positive attributes, I still knew deep down that he wasn’t good enough for her. But at the end of the day, that was my opinion and not an opinion meant to direct or mold her life. There is a fine line with friends and their relationships. You don’t want to be the girl who is later blamed for the end of a marriage because you encouraged a friend’s negative thinking about a situation. You want to be the friend who is understanding and who can offer support from time to time (although you want to make sure you don’t become an enabler).

I myself have learned that it’s better to share details of your relationship with few people. Even one of my best friend’s is not privy to details of my romantic life. Basically, I don’t trust her in that aspect. In the past, she would jump on any complaints I had about my boyfriend and escalate my emotions instead of quelling my fears. But I do know that her intent is not malicious; she just doesn’t have the capacity to offer a balanced perspective. And I’m fine with that.

In order to get to this point, I had to experience just how my own opinions could influence someone else’s life. Dealing with friends is a delicate matter, and we may only realize it later when we can look at those we’ve known for so many years and understand our role in their growth or their hindrance.

What is your policy on intervening in your friends’ relationships, and how has that played out in your friendships? 

 

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  • Kells

    I have a friend that when I give her the most sincere and honest advice she tries to turn the same advice around on me when I am in a not so even similar situation. I find myself asking why keep coming back to me with the same issues if you don’t like my responses. Needless to say I am just about good on her b/c I feel like sets herself up for relationship failures and now it seems like she doesn’t want to see me happy in realtionships b/c she isn’t in a happy relationship.. How else can I take her responses when I go to het with my own issues?

  • Na Na

    I have this situation as my friend is almost 30 and desperate to have a baby. The guy she is dating has minimal employment, irritates her and they fight constantly. So when she calls me saying she hopes her period doesn’t come or what do I think about her and so an so purposely trying to get pregnant im at a loss for words. Thanks for this article because Im tired of dancing around some very obvious issues.

  • Linda

    I think it’s more of a bad idea than a good thing. Often times, my friends have Hell getting a man’s attention for anything more than just sex. You can tell them the truth, but they can turn on you.

  • Pivyque

    I get your point. I usually don’t give advice to close friends. I ask them questions that guide them to the point that I am trying to make. I have always been the type to keep things (good and bad) to myself unless there was a point to be made to help the person I was telling. I can say the only person I give advice to is my sister, because no matter how she tries to flip it, the guy is not worth it. I have seen it with my own eyes lol I won’t push it because she is grown, but when she asks….I tell her exactly what I think!

  • mz_chocolatina

    To many people involved in your relationSHIP and it will sink. .

  • Guest360

    Giving advice is fine but it’s imperative to not let that advice drive how your friends’ relationships go i.e. the “Girl you need to leave him” or the “Go ‘head and marry him before someone else does” type of advice. I too have had problems with my girlfriends when it comes to situations like this and I had to back off a bit and let them do what they wanted to do. As a girlfriend, it is your duty to listen and support so do that, whether you like the guy or not.

  • IllyPhilly

    It’s hard not to give advice, but DON’T. I have tried to help so many friends and all it did was backfire.

  • Miss_Understood

    I can definitely relate. My friends have always came to me for advice and support (although, not always reciprocated) and when I was younger I would just agree with them because I figured that’s what they needed and did not want to be disloyal.

    Anyway, as I got older, I realized that if someone is mature enough to ask for the truth-they should be mature enough to handle it. I just make all efforts not to seem judgemental. Also, I am careful about the way give feedback ie “I understand why you would think that”, “I know it’s always easier said than done” and “if I were in this situation, I would probably feel/react similarly”. My friends who are mature may not agree with me but they appreciate my honesty because they know that I honestly care…