Single Black Male: Stop Giving Up the Cookies Ladies, Men WILL Wait for Sex

June 18th, 2012 - By WisdomIsMisery

clutch magazine

I don’t know how this idea that men won’t wait for sex came about, but on behalf of men everywhere, I’d like to thank the creator. The greatest trick man ever pulled was making women think men will not wait 90 days or whatever arbitrary amount of days.

In 2012, it’s clear men don’t have to wait for sex. However, just because they don’t have to doesn’t mean they won’t. This scenario is the equivalent of saying a child won’t wait for dinner because you offered him dessert. The child ate the dessert because you offered it to him. Had he no other choice, I assure you he would have waited patiently for dinner. He might have fussed, whined, and even cried but that is not a logical reason to reward this spoiled child’s behavior. This is the state of affairs between men and women. Women are offering up their dessert before dinner, and when the man leaves, they declare men aren’t willing to wait instead of accepting maybe it’s because you spoiled his appetite.

Once upon a time, like almost a whole generation ago, it was traditionally accepted men and women would not have premarital relations. Unbelievably, the world didn’t end. Women didn’t offer up the cookies and men waited for dinner. It was that simple.

Since the end of that golden age, men no longer have to wait for sex. In fact, a number of women believe men will not wait even if they wanted them to. Therefore, they offer it up to him as soon as possible to satisfy an inaccurate assumption. Sex has become like a bank that gives away money to keep customers. Yes, such a strategy will keep customers it will also attract thieves. If you leave the vault door open on the theory that the “due on to others” principle will prevent people from taking advantage, then I can only admire your faith in the goodness of man.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: Many men are (pleasantly, yet alarmingly) surprised by how little work they have to put in, because after a certain age, most men aren’t driven by sex anyway. Sex is not a need; it isn’t like air – men can live without sex.

Besides, what have you lost if a man leaves because you made him wait? A man who only wanted sex from you? Why else would he run the second you mention that he will have to do something as crazy as get to know you as a person before you share an intimate encounter with him? If he is more interested in sex than getting to know you, then what happens when he loses interest in the sex part? Any man that leaves simply because you won’t have sex with him on a schedule he defines isn’t worth the hassle.

Men will wait for sex. Many of us are adults here. For many of us, once we lost our virginity, sex became a foregone conclusion; we know we’ll have sex again. However, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex to keep a man’s interest. That is ridiculous.

Whether you make him wait 90 minutes, days, or years is up to you. He’s not waiting to have sex. He’s getting to know you. There is nothing wrong with that. Any man worthy of possessing your body should be patient enough to possess your time until you feel comfortable letting him in the cookie jar.

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his formal training as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM at SingleBlackMale.org and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.

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Nope

If a man has enough women in rotation (which the numbers are strongly in his favor for that), “waiting” is very, very relative anyway. Most women will eventually give it up to be liked or to 1 up another woman. There’s not fighting or denying that.
DeVanneJuiceeJeniceChinn

sex is awesome for a reason. every man isnt relationship material, but every pen!s isn’t fawkable. and everybody talking about STIs… just stop it… condoms and dental dams are very effective at preventing STIs. so unless you plan to wrap your celibate, abstaining self in a plastic bubble LIVE LIFE DANG! u only get one!
- grateful
  
  very effective , true, but how many times do condoms break? and how about Herpes that you can get while wearing and how about the fact that most people nowadays aren’t using protection?
  - DeVanneJuiceeJeniceChinn
    
    what about that potato salad with the mayo you ate after it was left out the fridge the nite before? or what about the brakes on your car, they aren’t quite stopping the same as the used to?.. get my point? hypothetical situations are limitless. PERSONALLY,i love MY body too much not to believe in safe sex (and like EVERYone else, i post STI results online. 29, disease/kid free, single with at least 4 good ones in rotation) I’M HAPPY because i LIVE! that’s all i was saying
http://www.facebook.com/people/Julia-Durant/500767921 Julia Durant

I started talking to a guy I kid you not two days ago and he flat out told me he was a sexual person and that I needed to understand that he’s a sexual person, that expects sex. Very put together, masters degree, has his own place and in his thirties. We were getting along fine. I had let him know I wanted to wait 6 months to have sex because I was trying to build a friendship first and didn’t want to get hurt. I had to stop talking to him because although he claimed to understand what I meant by going slow, it was like sex very early on was an issue. I’m a lot older now. A lot of guys don’t see it how females do but sex should be meaningful and it should be part of a relationship and not mandatory in order to help it function or be expected. Sharing yourself sexually means you care about a person enough to want them with you on what is probably closets to being connected spiritually. It takes time and emotions. Sure you have things like Think Like A Man and movies or other books telling you what to do. But ultimately, you have to do what lines up with your own personal values not a man’s.
- http://www.facebook.com/lashonda.johnson.92 Shonda Johnson
  
  Are you related to Kevin Durant?
  - http://www.facebook.com/people/Julia-Durant/500767921 Julia Durant
    
    He’s my cousin. Just saw you replied to this.
- MLS2698
  
  He’s not all that ” put together” if he doesn’t understand your principles. He is a likely candidate for being HIV positive because he has other parts of his life in order, but not his sexual health. Two days, and he had the sex talk?
Julia Gotardo

Ok, mam will wait. But what if I don´t want to wait ?
CRhae

I will give it up when i am good and darned ready, if he is still there, nice, if not, who cares, NEXT!!!!!
SheBeTN

IMO, we as women have to learn that we have control over the situation. Why? We have the vagina this the right to say HELL NO! Blaming men is no longer going to work especially when we are the main ones raising them.
Tagirl

What a great article!
JustMe

I understand what some of you are saying about women having sex simply because they want to. Hey, thats their business. No major judgement here.
My personal choice of celibacy isnt about keeping a man or getting one. As many of you pointed out, if he’s gonna leave, he is going to leave no matter how long he waits for it….Whether its 2 minutes or 2 months…..
I am celibate because I dont feel every man that I come across or date should know what I feel like or know me in that intimate way. Get to know ME. Sex is merely a fraction of what I offer as a WOMAN. Maybe he and I met to be great friends to each other…
I love sex just like the next person but at this stage in my life, it simply needs to mean more. Again, this is just what works for ME. To each its own.
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Stanley

These articles help the readership of the site a lot. I can tell you that because this should be the # 93487 of this kind.
RedButterfly81

After my divorce from my ex, I was single for 3 years and talked to guys but the first thing they talk about was sex, sex and sex and I threw them away like trash and kept it moving. Then I met my boyfriend at church 7 months ago and he was more interested in getting to know me, taking me out to dinner, beach, Navy Pier, and Six Flags than trying to get into my pants. Plus I just introduced him to my daughter a month ago and she likes him. He respects my celibacy and thank god!
- Nehemiah53
  
  That’s all well and good but I bet you he is like I would be, he is getting sex from another lady even if he got to pay for it!
  - WHOISBSQUARED?
    
    UM….YEAH, I SECOND THAT NOTION
    - Nehemiah53
      
      Just being honest, it’s my duty to put the sister wise!
      - ringtone
        
        That’s the great thing about waiting, it helps differentiate those who can wait ”forever” smh… and those that are easily tempted.
  - tbaby
    
    that so sad. im dealing with that now. can a couple really get to know each other over time and not have sex with someone else in the mean time???
  - Mel
    
    WIth a name like Nehemiah, that was such a disappointment. I hope RedButterfly knows that not all men are like you.
    
    There are some men out there who are waiting for their wife (regardless of whether or not they had sex in the past).
    - Nehemiah53
      
      Just being honest, a man nor a women can’t wait forever least they be temped by Satan [1 Corinthians 7-5], it’s against nature!
      - BlueCornmoon
        
        Some people are more susceptible to satan than others. Smart folks already know that That statement is directed toward the weak ones. You know, the ones spreading HIV, HPV, chlamydia,gonorrhea,etc thru our communities. The sex maniacs that don’t need to breed since they mess up our gene pool.
        
        Nehemiah53
        
        very good point.
Anon

What about the chicks that just wanna have sex because….. they want to? If a relationship happens to come out of it then fine, if not…. oh well. Even if you wait 6 months that doesn’t mean the man is going to want to be with you. After all that time, the guy could still decide he doesn’t want you. To each their own, but I’ll certainly sleep with whomever I feel comfortable, when I feel comfortable to do it whether its after 2 weeks or 2 years…. Do what you feel is best for you and the person you’re dealing with. I’m not advocating sleeping with a man because you think he’ll leave if you don’t. I’m saying that time limits are bs and you should do it when you want to if your comfortable with it.
- Guest360
  
  That’s not what the author is talking about though. Generally speaking, most women want relationships, boyfriends, husbands, etc. and use sex as a way to get any of those things which was the author’s point. If you want to sleep with him, go ‘head and do it but if you’re doing it solely to get him or keep him interested in you or because he’ll “get it somewhere else”, you don’t need to. If a guy doesn’t want to get to know you for you or develop something real with you without you sleeping with him, why would you want him anyway? That was the point the author was making. If you genuinely like someone, you don’t have to sleep with them to get them to like you back and if you do, he’s not the right one for you anyway.
  - Anon
    
    ooooh ok. I misunderstood. Thanks for clarification.
  - Monnie
    
    Exactly!!! U said everything that wz on my mind! Besides, just sleeping with a guy because you want to is one of the main reasons why women are being plagued with diseases. Don’t give up the goods just because you “feel like it”, your worth more than that.
    - Stanley
      
      If you don’t want to give it because you feel like it, why and when would you give it? It’s gonna be the right time when you feel it. That means, you have to have sex when you feel like it.
      - Monnie
        
        There is a difference between the “right time” and f”feeling like it”
    - DeVanneJuiceeJeniceChinn
      
      so waiting prevents diseases?
      - River
        
        Common sense. No sex…no diseases.
guest

the writer of this article is right. If he is the right guy for you then he will wait to be with you. if you give it up to fast more then likely he will leave eventually. Sometimes thats not the case and its the exact opposite, however in reality men become bored of the women who is giving it way and paying more attention to the one who is not why? Because she is a challenge and men love a challenge. Thats a known fact.
- Miss Anonymous
  
  I somewhat agree. If a man wants you he will be with you if you gave it up 5 mins, 5 months, 5 years. You can make him wait but if he just wants to have sex with you, he will sex other women and then when you give it up he will be happy to have conquered you.
  I made my ex wait a year and a half before we had sex, he was a great guy before the sex. Afterwards he treated me badly and then it was found out that he had a fiance back home (he was army) even though he never showed any signs. My close friend on the other hand had 3 kids with different fathers, met a single man and had sex with him on the first night and they got married two months later and have a son and will be married for a year in August.
  - Angel
    
    No offense but ur friends story dosent sound very nice. I would rather be in ur position.
    - Miss Anonymous
      
      Yeah none taken, but my position doesnt come without consequence though. Im currently owe school loans and stay with my parents and have to deal with the comments of how I dont know how to “keep” a man, my female parts must not be you know what cause I couldnt get a army man to wife me and the “well atleast your going to school to be able to take care of yourself because you cant get a man cause of your dark color, you should date men with kids or go white because ” Gotta love the south where if your not married or atleast had a kid your a old maid at 24. lol
      
      Its kinda looked at that if you have a ring on it (married/engaged) your better than the ones who are single. Even if you have a man and he doesnt work and you have to take care of him, it the “atleast I got a man and you dont” response.
      - angel
        
        Im from new jersey and its completely different up here. Up here u will hear alot of women talking about establishing themselves before getting married and having kids and thats how i operate. Anways, even with all that u have to deal with I still would rather be in ur situation versus having FOUR kids .Honeslty If i were u i would just keep doin me lol.
    - kelly11
      
      LOOOL I’m sorry but this comment made me chuckle
      - Angel
        
        My comment?
Pivyque

Thank you! If you want to have sex on the first date…ok…that’s what you WANT to do, but to do it because you think they won’t wait is ridiculous. My husband and I waited until we got married. It was hard and there were times when I wanted to make that call lol but I knew it was something I wanted to wait for and luckily he felt the same. Worst case scenario it helps you weed out the ones that only want sex.
Melisa

Thanks for this. I’m a pretty lovely person I was recently dating a nice guy who seemed like my match, and then I told him he would have to wait but I wasn’t very specific. He said he didn’t really want to but that he would. He seemed really into me and said he just wanted us to date and have an exclusive sexual relationship when the time came. A week later I found out that he had “found” someone (obviously he had been seeing someone else or flat out lied to me) who he had sex with and decided he wanted to establish a serious relationship with her, what he called a “grown-up relationship.”

So thank you I needed to be reminded that men will wait if they are interested in me, and not themselves and their needs.
- guest
  
  grown up meaning she was putting out and you were not. what a loser that guy is. the funny thing is that same girl will constantly get cheated on because he obviously did it with you.
  - RedButterfly81
    
    He did you a favor, he was a jerk and couldn’t respect your standards.
  - Anon
    
    How did he cheat on her? If they weren’t in an exclusive relationship they were both able to date other people. The guy could have just picked somebody that was on the same page as he was which explains him telling her he found someone else. Doesn’t mean he was a loser but it does show some consideration. A lot of guys would just disappear instead lol. A loser b/c he was honest? Imagine that.
    - Guest360
      
      What makes him a loser is the fact that he considers a “grown up” relationship one where the woman puts out and he doesn’t have to practice self-control. There’s no harm in ending things with someone if you two aren’t on the same page but to be insulting about it just because the woman wants to wait to have sex and tell her you want something more “grown up”? Makes him a loser.
      - Anon
        
        I took the “grown up” portion of his response as more of a definition of what he expects from a relationship as an adult and an explanation for why he doesn’t think their relationship could go any further. I guess his words being insulting depends on how each person takes it.
      - BlueCornmoon
        
        It makes him no better than a spoiled kid who searches for someone who’ll let him have his way. He’s probably cheating on her right this minute
    - Melisa
      
      Well I didn’t mean for this to cause such a discussion. All I was saying was that I agree with the article, but to give further clarification: I was dating multiple guys when I met him and I told him that. He said he was only seeing me. Then he told me in order for us to be together I needed to see him exclusively sexually. So I ended up choosing him over the other guys I was dating. But I wasn’t ready for sex because I didn’t feel that I knew him that well, he said it was fine.
      
      I had to call him a week later to see what was going on and then he told me he had sex with someone else. He was the one who asked to be sexually exclusive. To be honest I wouldn’t have cared, we weren’t together, but he shouldn’t have asked me to be sexually exclusive if he wasn’t going to do it himself, that just shows a level of selfishness and cockiness I still can’t really comprehend.
      
      but anyways like I said I agree with the author and it is good for us to remember this point.
      - BlueCornmoon
        
        His response was just a stupid attempt to put you down & make you think you lost something great when he left you.How childish & arrogant !!
- Guest360
  
  He did you a favor. Now you don’t have to waste your time with someone who isn’t worth it.
- Tagirl
  
  lol @ grown up relationship. That’s pure b.s. Wow. ITA, he just moved on to the next one who was willing. He’s immature. A real man(adult period) doesn’t behave that way. It’s called self-control and self-respect. You’re better off doing without anyone who values sex over getting to know people.
  
  One thing one of my cousin’s told me is to set your standards and don’t waver on them for any guy.
  
  Just like guys are waiting for that gem of a girl, wait for your gem of a guy.
- Nope
  
  lol @ all of these comments dissing the guy for being honest. He didn’t dog her out, in fact he didn’t owe her anything. Amazing how women will take any opportunity to (1) dog a man out when they don’t get their way (life is full of odds, and they won’t always work in your favor) ( 2) dog out another woman to make themselves feel better. That man wasn’t on layaway. He had the option and FREE WILL to wait…. or not.
  - OSHH
    
    welp he was honest and eliminated from her dating pool, because dating is a process of elimination right!
    - Anon
      
      He wasn’t eliminated from her dating pool, she was eliminated from his. He moved on to a girl that gave him all the things he wanted and she’s still single. Its great she didn’t give into what she wasn’t ready for but he decided not to settle for less than what he wanted as well.
      - jerseryvixen
        
        What we fail to see is yes a man will wait, but lets say he connects with you and you give him no sex, he wait, but hold up , he started connected with another girl who’s putting it on him… you think he’ll wait for you? that’s the point. It’s just reality. it’s not right or wrong. But I have asked men about the waiting game, they all tell you that they will wait for a girl they really like, but if they are dating multiple women before committing you run the risk of them developing intimacy with a girl they are sleeping with (assumming she meets their other qualifications/and chemistry/connections).
        
        HiPricedPearl
        
        And that’s why a lot of women don’t wait–because they think having sex with a guy makes them more competitive against any other “girl” they’re “dating” or hanging out with. But sex doesn’t DEVELOP intimacy. It ENHANCES it. That’s why sleeping with guys too soon usually does not end in a long-term relationship. When there’s nothing to enhance, the interest fades. And the sex was just an activity–an activity that can be done with anyone. The “guy” having sex with multiple women doesn’t really respect ANY of them–and chances are will not marry any of them.
  - Melisa
    
    To give further clarification: I was dating multiple guys when I met him and I told him that. He said he was only seeing me. Then he told me in order for us to be together I needed to see him exclusively sexually. So I ended up choosing him over the other guys I was dating. But I wasn’t ready for sex because I didn’t feel that I knew him that well, he said it was fine.
    I had to call him a week later to see what was going on and then he told me he had sex with someone else. He was the one who asked to be sexually exclusive. To be honest I wouldn’t have cared, we weren’t together, but he shouldn’t have asked me to be sexually exclusive if he wasn’t going to do it himself, that just shows a level of selfishness and cockiness I still can’t really comprehend. I didn’t ask him to give up his free will, he volunteered and then backed out. Not dogging out anyone, just giving the facts.
TT

On the other side of the coin, how about men stop trying to hump everything that walks? Its a 2 way street. Women aren’t the only ones with self control…
JustMe

bluekissess this is not just an Tennessee issue. Maybe I took a little offense to your statement because I am from Tennessee. Memphis to be exact. Yes, the place where those broke arse baby daddies are from. Never met them (thank God) and most of my male friends and family members are vastly different from that triflin-ness (yes its a word). LOL. If you think this does not occur in several other areas you are sadly mistaken. I am single, 29 yr old female, and I dont have any kids. Neither do several of my family members and friends. *shrugs* Tennessee women DO know how to keep their legs closed.
I appreciate an article like this. I have been celibate for quite some time and a few of the men I have met look at you like you have 10 heads when you choose to abstain. Its a struggle sometimes but hey, I want more. The right one will wait.
- SheBeTn
  
  THANK YOU! As a Memphian I appreciate it!
- bluekissess
  
  First of all that’s a joke. I was referring to the 80 kids those three men had in Tennessee Second I’m no dummy I’m fully aware of this issue. The solution is simple don’t open your legs like a drive through. This shouldn’t be an issue if woman are taught
  - JustMe
    
    Its not that serious love. I was just making an observation. I wasnt trying to come at you wrong or anything. (Note the LOL and jokes throughout my post). Its cool. However, I had to voice my opinion.
    - bluekissess
      
      You didn’t have to do anything you chose to
- Lissy
  
  I am also 29 without any kids and I surely do not run around opening my legs to any man that comes along. You have to respect yourself and know the right one will wait for you especially if he cares about you like they said they do. So well said.
JustMe

bluekissess this is not just an Tennessee issue. Maybe I took a little offense to your statement because I am from Tennessee. Memphis to be exact. Yes, the place where those broke arse baby daddies are from. Never met them (thank God) and most of my male friends and family members are vastly different from that triflin-ness (yes its a word). LOL. If you think this does not occur in several other areas you are sadly mistaken. I am single, 29 yr old female, and I dont have any kids. Neither do several of my family members and friends. *shrugs* Tennessee women DO know how to keep their legs closed.
I appreciate an article like this. I have been celibate for quite some time and a few of the men I have met look at you like you have 10 heads when you choose to abstain. Its a struggle sometimes but hey, I want more. The right one will wait.
bluekissess

I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore. Wait, won’t wait, give so he doesn’t have to wait. It’s ridiculous. Maybe if the women in Tennessee took that advice it would be any children.
Do I think women give it up easy? Yes… why they do it… I don’t know
- RedButterfly81
  
  Sweetie, I was born in Chattanooga, TN and I no baby mama and I don’t give my goodies up that easily. This ain’t no Tennessee thing, it’s a US problem no matter what race.
http://www.facebook.com/lashonda.johnson.92 Shonda Johnson

I think single African American men and women should date whomever,but I don’t think they should have intercourse with every men they come into contact with. Me personally,I personally think,people should remain virgins until they get married or try……

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