Looking For Trouble: The Day I Hurt Myself By Snooping on My Man…

June 21st, 2012 - By Kendia

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I consider myself a pretty secure person in relationships–I’m sure that’s how all crazy, non-secure lunatics start off a conversation on jealousy–I hide my insecurities well. I’ve always been very proud of the fact that I’ve never rifled through a partner’s pockets, phone, mail and/or other property. But the other day, I became one of those chicks who does. As I played Angry Birds on my boyfriend’s out-of-commission cell phone, I couldn’t help but wonder, what’s stored in here?

I wasn’t snooping in my mind, because he’d been very aware that I had his phone. I was just curious. Curious about what you ask? I’m still not too sure, but as I closed out of Angry Birds and scrolled over to the messages icon. The sane, non-jealous, secure, composed girl lost the battle and a green-eyed monster slithered out and took over. There I sat in his company, about to go there, unsure of what I was looking for.

So when the first thing I saw was an adoring text message from a girl or woman with a silly name, I couldn’t contain myself. There they were in black and white; a slew of text messages from the same woman!  Another woman, addressing my boyfriend with the same terms of endearment I do. My heart sank as I read the messages. I don’t know how to react in these situations, as I’ve heard the stories a couple of times from different girlfriends about the moment you find some ish and the immediate reaction after. But everything I had heard before just didn’t compare to this in my twisted mind, because to me, this was worse since it was happening to me. I wanted to throw the cellphone at his smiling, unaware face, but I couldn’t and I had no grounds to. The messages were two years old!

Yes, you read that right. After the third scan over the messages and remaining completely calm or what I thought was calm in front of my boyfriend, the monster composed herself long enough to read the whole message; including the send and receive dates. However, this isn’t about the relief this revelation gave me, instead it’s about the pangs of jealousy that I, the supposed non-jealous, supposedly sane girl, still felt after finding out there was no reason to be mad.

Who was/is this girl? Did he really care about someone else besides myself ever in his life?! Believe me, I know how absurd and irrational this all sounds, but it’s all true. Once I opened Pandora’s Box, in my mind, all hell started to break loose. Surely I’d been in relationships before, I felt strongly once about another and thought I was in love  before we were together, and that was fine because it’s in the past. Then why was it hard to deal with what I was reading? I wasn’t on the brink of tears, but I must admit it stung a bit. Then it dawned on me: THIS is why I don’t do this! By snooping, I’m only looking to smack myself really hard and create insecurities that aren’t necessary. That’s always been my belief and my step over to the dark side was confirmation of that. So a word of caution to you, ladies: I’m not saying don’t look for things that you don’t want to find, but then again, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

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  • Lola

    I don’t snoop. Why, you ask? Because I’m bound to find something trivial and magnify it in my mind, thereby making it a non-issue a real issue. I just won’t do it.

  • fan

    I snooped and found something that I wasn’t comfortable with. The thing is, my ex claims he has female friends and some of them are very affectionate which makes him affectionate towards him. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with this type of affection and he told me oh well, they were here before me. So we broke up. We eventually got back together but the feeling of me being played never left. Everyone under the sun would tell me he was no good and he was playing me right in front of my face but disguising it with friendship. I stopped snooping but the paranoia never left. We broke up cuz i was tired of feeling insecure in the relationship. I believe that trust should always be nurtured. You just don’t say, “i trust you” once and expect that to be it. Don’t give me a reason to doubt you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Que-Stevenson/1204180733 Que Stevenson

    I use to snoop. I was good too! I snooped because I had “that feeling” and after going through my ex-boyfriend’s phones, my feelings were always confirmed. When he would fall asleep in our son’s bedroom, I would check his cell, and see messages from a certain number. He made
    sure her name did not show up, but I called the number and got her voice mail, where she said her name. The messages were basically them playing back in forth on how he was talking to her, knowing I was just in another room of the house. I woke him up by throwing the phone at him, and leaving. We got back together, but I still felt that feeling. He thought he was slick and started having his jump off leave her voice mail on his work phone. We worked at the same place, so after he would check his messages from the house, I’d hit the redial button, see our work number, see his extension, then see his password to get to his mail box ;) . Heard the same chick say a certain song reminded her of him; the song playing in the background. I busted him on all the info, and he went off on me, told me to stop snooping…you know what, that was the best advice he ever gave me. I stopped caring about what he was doing, and made him worry about what I was doing!

  • http://twitter.com/716complex Tracey C. Andrews

    Ive snooped and found exactly what I was looking for. Never again.

  • Monica

    When you snoop be prepared to walk away. I was engaged to a man (I never snooped). He was sloppy with his cheating. Once he left a condom wrapper in the trash can. I asked him about it calmy (he said he put it there on purpose). Of course I knew he wasn’t being honest. I swept it under the rug and we never discussed it again. The next year I found condom wrappers in his pillow case. I asked him about it calmly, he said they were his friends. I ended our relationship. Fast forward to now, I wish God hadn’t revealed those things to me. Why you ask??? He said he just needed to get that out of his system (before marriage). Instead of walking away we should have gone to counseling. People can say what they want, you don’t meet someone everyday that you want to spend your life with. That’s a blessing.
    Each situation/relationship is unique. You have to decide whether or not what you have with your mate is worth saving or to walk away. Before you walk away think about the pros/cons, don’t share what’s going on (you don’t need everyone’s opionions), and pray about it.

    • Babeegurl

      Sooo….what you’re saying is it took him months to get sleeping around out of his system AFTER he proposed to you? You did the right thing because there’s a good chance that he was never going to “get it out of his system.” He cheated several times, you found out and you stayed. What incentive are you giving him to be faithful?

      You may never have snooped, but he was still doing you wrong while you guys planned a life together. You did the right thing by leaving because now you can be blessed to find someone you want to spend your life with who WON’T mess around behind your back.

      • Rayjulian85

        Exactly. Cosign +1

      • MLS2698

        Is that the blind eye approach? Sounds like she wishes that she never knew, and God was at fault for saving her from a life of misery with a man that had to get something ” out of his system.” That’s not the way to start a marriage, so counseling is just a word. I’m agree with you, she did the right thing.

  • ieshapatterson

    i wonder how this would have worked,if the shoe was on the other foot.would he have said something to her,if he found a 2 year text message saved from her ex lovers??

  • 30thoughts

    Do cell phone’s keep text messages that are over 2 years old? How far did she go back? This doesn’t sound right.

    • c

      she said it was his old phone

      • 30thoughts

        This further makes me wonder what she expected to find in an “out-of-commission” phone. It’s stupid to snoop through an “old” phone expecting to find “new” information. She needs to learn how to snoop correctly!

        • Guest

          LMAO!

        • TRUTH IS

          LULZ

      • MLS2698

        So if you power up an old phone, the messages are still there? That phone should have been traded in. Technically, the phone belongs to the individual, but the content (pics,text) belong to the provider, right?

    • Dougie

      That’s what I thought too. And anyway his phone should have a password protected app that hides numbers and their phone set up to delete numbers after X many days/texts and silent notifications from certain individuals… not that I would know anything about that….

      • 30thoughts

        She’s not too bright, and apparently neither is he. Why would he care if you look through his OLD phone? That’s how guys give you a false sense of security. She really thought she was getting over. I don’t snoop typically, but when I get the feeling that I should, it’s really my instincts kicking in and letting me know that I need to chuck up the deuces. If you feel the need to snoop, don’t. Just walk away.

  • http://twitter.com/VictoriaGrooves Victoria grooves

    I honestly think you did the right thing

  • Herm

    I hate a nosey b***h that’s that immature insecure stuff that gets you cut off right away what makes it so bad they’ll snoop find something and still won’t leave they just want the drama

    • RealWoman

      lol thats soooo true…All of these women on here sound dumb to me and I am a woman. When I was younger I would snoop and bc I was dealing with little boys i found something every time. But, now that I am older and I have a man and not a little boy I dont have that problem. In the last 2 and a half years i have maybe snooped once or twice bc the opportunity presented itself but i regret it every time bc i never found anything. And bc Im a great woman I never will find anything. If you got you together then you dont need to worry IF he is together bc you will know he is. Any real man knows not to mess up a great thing but if your not as great as he tells you that you are then he will do him. PERIOD!!!

      • MsDoc

        I get what you are saying. .Yes, a real man should know not to mess up a great thing. Having confidence is a beautiful thing, but no one should ever think they are too great to get cheated on! I would just hate to have that impression out there that women get cheated on simply because they are not great enough, which is so not true.

    • Milan

      Had they not been would their cowardly ex’s have been brave enough to end the relationship? I think not. That is why beeyatch @$$ jiggaboo’s like you can’t stand women who will find out the truth.

      As for your statement about women who find out and still stay, yeah they want drama and have not reach their strength thresh hold, they have yet to truly know their power, value, or have yet to learn how to require respect.

  • BeenThereDoneThat

    I’ve snooped in my bf’s phone almost a million times and what do I find? Something every time. Something that truly may not be anything but Im EXPECTING to see it. I had to break that habit. It was getting out of control!

  • dana

    Well one thing for sure if he’s cheating it will definitly come out.

  • TRUTH IS

    You have to be naive to think snooping is wrong….it enlightens you…ppl aren;t really honest these days. If you find something questionable you have grounds to question it, if not, it just confirms you can trust a little more!

    • Lesy

      So agree! These days you don’t who is on the down low. That does not mean you are insecure it means you are careful. Disagree with this article. But I see her point.

  • Loyal Girlfriend

    I almost snooped through my boyfriend’s macbook yesterday. But a wise woman once said, “Anything that’s done in the dark, will come to light eventually.” My prodding does nothing but make me look like I don’t trust my man (which I do). That jealous green monster was stuck in it’s cave for a moment, but then my boyfriend later made me feel that I was the luckiest woman in the world. Jane Doe can continue to be envious, I’d rather not worry about it.