Break Up to Make Up: Why Is It So Hard To Leave and NOT Go Back?

June 8th, 2012 - By Kendia

mo-am.com

Three years ago when I ended my five-year relationship–the longest in my life–I knew it was over. Or so I thought. It took me a year and some months to really end it. I doubled back a couple of times, the relationship walk of shame I like to call it. I went back because it was hard adjusting to single life. I went back because the nights would get especially lonely every once in awhile, but every time I found myself back with my ex, I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. But for a time, I couldn’t stop.

The other day I was scanning a celebrity break up list and noticed a good number of the people on the list had or were already reunited with their exes. Eva Longoria and her young boo, Kobe and Vanessa (I’m confused too), Nicole Scherzinger and Lewis Hamilton; Their reunions beat the speed of a celebrity blog post, which is no easy feat. This made me wonder, does anyone end a long-term relationship and leave it alone cold turkey?

A few weeks ago a close girlfriend shamefully admitted that she’d hooked back up with her scumbag ex. It was like watching a drug addict in the midst of a relapse; she rocked backed and forth, drew out the time before she could tell us–her circle of close friends–what transgression had transpired. After she’d confessed that she backpedaled, she continuously expressed how guilty she felt: “I can’t believe I did it. It won’t happen again…” I was upset with her, and a part of me wanted to shake her to remind her that this man cheated on her, numerous times. I wanted to remind her of his controlling ways and all the ”side chicks” that were blowing up her spot while they were together, but she didn’t need my reminder.  She knew her ex was no good, and she hadn’t forgotten all the wrong he’d done.  She didn’t want him back, or so she’d expressed to us all, and I believed her. I knew what she was doing. I’ve been there, yet it didn’t stop me from shaking my head at her step back.

As we consoled and scolded her, one by one we slowly but surely admitted that we’d been there, a couple of times in some instances. The room quieted down, and I can only imagine that everyone in the room was reliving their shame all over again. I know I was. Then it dawned on me, “Why should I be ashamed?”

The relationship walk of shame isn’t new to anyone. I’m pretty sure I’m not dropping a piece of knowledge on you that you’ve been longing for. Why is it so hard to accept it? Why are we so hard on our friends  and even on ourselves when they’ve gone back to a less-than-worthy ex for a brief moment? Are there people out there who say bye and never look back?

I’m sure someone will have a story about a relationship or person they knew that walked away and never looked back. However, I suspect if I actually spoke to this person, really grilled them, they’d have a rocking back and forth confession moment too.  In all fairness, I’m sure there are relationships out there that end, period. But in my life, all those relationships seem to have happened on television. My mom has done the walk, my siblings have done the walk, countless friends, and of course, myself.

Maybe the walk of shame has to happen for some. Sometimes the walk leads to reconciliation, which is all good if that’s what you want, but many times the shame walk can be helpful in doing the complete opposite. Often it can be closure–a little reminder of why you left in the first place. The shame helps confirm that you shouldn’t have anything to do with that person or that situation, and in the end, the “shame walk” can be the thing you need to keep on walking.

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  • Tee

    Sometimes you read something that can just help you through the storm! I’ve been in a off and on relationship for three yrs, and just now I’ve finally seen the most important thing ever that’s ME! Damn him and his OLD A**! It all starts with loving yourself! “And this too shall pass”! Good luck out there to ever one!

  • Pivyque

    Well, I have to say that I have never had this problem. I walked away from a 6 year relationship before I met my husband and I didn’t go back. We knew it was over and while we were together it wasn’t on and off. It was 6 years of on lol I just don’t see the point in going back to something that I know I don’t want.

  • Ifuaskme2

    Frankly I don’t get a 5 year relationship unless you’re married. Even college bored me

  • ChristyLove

    This is why we lose so much weight after a breakup…doing the WALK of shame! Smile

  • Tchanielle

    So true going through this now…unfortunately the girl he’s dating didn’t know that he was telling me he was single. He wanted his cake and to eat it to. I put pressure on him to make a decision and he blew up on me saying that I am trying to control his life. To make a long story short, It will never happen again. Oh we were together for 7 years 2002-2009 and have been broken up for 3 years and have a soon-to-be 6 year old.

  • IllyPhilly

    I never look back. I might think of a funny joke they said or a when a song plays get a flashback, but as far as dating the same person again, nope!

  • Elle

    After reinerating the same thing for the last yr to my ex about how I would like for the relationship to progress and to no avail I recently decided to walk away. Its been 5 plus yrs and enough is enough. He basically told me his mom and his children came first. I would have never interferred with his family relationship but I guess that was his way of telling me I am the least important to him. I deserve better even if it is by myself for a while

  • L-Boogie

    Cry and let go.

  • Miss D

    I “relapsed” many times after I broke up with my ex. I felt awful when I did it and I had very low self-esteem at the time. I let it go on for over a year and I was sick of it – so one day I grew some cajones and finally cut him off. He was mad, but I said oh well lol. Breaking up is very hard, so I can understand why people go back to their exes. In the end, you have to leave the past behind and decide that you deserve better.

  • Naomy

    I walked away from a 5 year relationship cold turkey. When you know that you deserve you won’t settle for less. Ultimately, I knew better so I had to do better, I had to stay true to myself.