Cohabitating Teen Parents: Can Your Teen “Play House” in the Home You Provide?

June 5th, 2012 - By Toya Sharee

SheKnows.com

If I’ve learned anything from being a teenager myself, and teaching sexual health to teens for the past four years, it’s this:  If a teen insists on having sex, they will find a place to do so, whether it’s acceptable in your home or not. But does this mean you should open the door to said sexual activity in your home?  Not in my opinion.  When I was a teenager, I definitely tested the waters of my parents’ guidelines: In a pre-Caller ID adolescence, I’d make guys call the house and let the phone ring so many times so I knew to answer.  I’m sure we all had our share of sneaking boys out the back door or hooking up with boys at basement parties thrown by the friend you had whose parents were never home.  Nonetheless, I made it to adulthood with the respect of my parents intact.  When it comes to sexual activity, what many teens and parents fail to understand today is that it’s all about respect.

Sex wasn’t as much of an open conversation in my upbringing as I would like it to be between me and my children, but if one thing was a priority in our household it was respect.  Call me conservative, but sex was something that I was always taught should be shared between two people in privacy.  My mother always said, “If he can’t find a decent place for you to have sex that isn’t disrespectful to anyone’s space, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with him.” Just because your children are having sex under your roof doesn’t mean they are any safer.  The relationship could still be unhealthy, and unless you’re helping putting that condom on at that moment, your teen is still at risk.

Consider the message you send to other siblings when you condone this type of cohabitation in your household.  You’re essentially teaching them that their space isn’t as important or worse: Having a baby equals adult privileges.  Teens aren’t seeing that the couple is living together so they can better care for the baby as a team, they’re seeing that they get to play house and sleep next to each other every night.  It can also get messy for the parents when they are placed in the middle.  Teens fail to gain the ability to problem solve and work through disagreements if their parents are constantly interfering as mediators.  If you’re familiar with 16 and Pregnant’s sister show Teen Mom, you may remember Kailyn who moved in with the father of her child, Joe and his family.  Like what happens with most teens, the relationship ended and soon Kailyn was sneaking to date another guy from work, while still living with Joe and his family.  Of course the family was quicker to defend Joe when the new relationship was revealed and in the end they felt betrayed and hurt by the young woman.

CasaFamilyDay.org

Everyone’s circumstances are different and every situation has to be judged individually. The good news is that from what I’ve experienced, teens who do not want to have sex won’t engage in it whether they are given the opportunity or not.  If you as a parent find that for some reason the best option is to let your teen and his/her partner live in your home, it’s important to establish and enforce guidelines that work for EVERYONE in the household.  If they are raising a child, empower them and encourage their independence so that they can be prepared to live on their own and handle adult responsibilities.  This may include having them pay a portion of the rent, hold a certain GPA or be employed.

As a parent it isn’t your job to always make things fun and convenient for your child, or be their friend.  It’s your responsibility to prepare them to function in a world without you so they can make healthy independent decisions…under their own roof.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/llinthecome Labarbara Linthecome

    now, back when I was young, momma made sure that we understood that if we had sex and became preggers, WE and not HER were taking care of our own…and when the situation arose, she made good on her word…made me not have’ em until I was good and grown and out of her house…but it also made us responsible and learn that there are always consequences to our actions and to take responsibility for them…now that I’m a mom, I tell mines’ that there will be NO SEX until they’re married(teaching them morals and whatnot) the last thing they need is to be young struggling parents with absolutely no accountability for their actions..(and if they think I’m lying, try me and see what happens!!)…lol

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    The sad thing is that there is a recurrent pattern in teen mom and 16 and pregnant: all of these teens lack discipline and to some extent fathers with some back bone. all of these girls are disrespectful and act as if their too grown to do what they’re told and just as in the case with the lindsey girl whose episode i saw as well, want to be an adult without the responsibilities that come with it. madness! furthermore, most of these girls obviously have boyfriends who treat them like crap before they get pregnant and they think it’s supposed to change after they get knocked up? no ma’am, as my parents told my siblings and I as teenage birth control, “I love you, but if you grown enough to lay up and get pregnant, you grown enough to get out get a job, and take care of your own because you won’t do it here and don’t look to us to raise it for you.” I blame the parents for not being parents and allowing their children like Farrah, Lindsey, Valerie, and countless others to walk all over them and tell them what they will and won’t do in their house. . .

  • sammi_lu

    Pfffffff..my definition of ‘playing house’ entails cleaning, cooking, or paying bills. All that other isht is called laying up and I couldn’t be the 1 or the 2 to condone it.

  • Tagirl

    That’s a new phenomenon with today’s parents. That’s nothing but trouble.

  • akha1784

    wow my daughter is only nine and after reading this article I’m really dreading her getting to the pre-teen and teenage years. i just hope that the work i’m putting in now building open lines of communication and trust will pay off in the end.

  • whitty hutton

    I say hell no,but when I was younger I was in a similar situation so I do relate somewhat.At 17 my foster mom put me out on the streets to move her new man in.I was a few weeks shy of 18 and had nowhere to go.The foster care checks she was getting for me were finished therefore I had no purpose for her anymore!My highschool boyfriends’ family was nice enough to take me in and I lived there for more than a year as I was working,going to school and saving to get my own place.Looking back,they put their reputation and personal beliefs aside to give me a roof over my head when no one else would.I’m sure to outsiders,they thought the situation was like the one mentioned in the post and I’m sure folks judged them harshly for it.

    • ????

      You left having sex off of your list of things you did while at your boyfriends house. I know you had to have a female friend in school?

      • fannie

        just cuz she might of had a female friend in high school don’t mean she had the right to move in with them not everyone is ok with that who are you to say she did or not or judge her situation? you don’t have a heaven or a hell to put anyone in so I’m gonna need you to put the gavel down

    • Tagirl

      Yours was an extenuating circumstance. It’s really sad what your foster mom did.

    • nisha136988

      That’s funny because I was just about to share the same story; however this happened to my boyfriend. I never thought in a million years my mom would be okay with this but she felt bad. He only stayed for a week until he found somewhere else to go. Even then she made rules and we followed it. She made me sleep in the room next to hers and he slept in the basement. She made it very clear she was just helping and not condoning him staying there for me. But as far as the article goes I personally would not let my child have sex under my roof and have a live in partner. If they think they are that grown then they are more then welcome to move out. They don’t have to live together to raise a child. I mean they are still getting raised their selves for god sakes.

  • Kambodia_starz

    I would love my child under any circumstances. but when they want to make grown up type descisions such as getting pregnant, having sex, having babies, etc. Then they need to make those decsions by themselves. not under my roof. you want to be grown, go be grown in your own house, make your own rules, because you obviously dont like mine. go be independent by your own “grown” self. Your granny and past grannies did it back in their day having kids as a teenager. If she can do it, you can do it too. love you =)

  • Trisha_B

    I’m 22 & my mom won’t even allow my boyfriend to sleep over lmao. My sis had a baby at 16, her boyfriend lived an hour away so he would spend the weekends at our house. My mom would make him sleep in the living room & she would keep her bedroom door open so she could hear if there were any late night creeping lol. I don’t think teen couples should live together. But in some cases, like the girl whose mom had drug & alcohol problems, i see why her boyfriends family took her in. But i would not allow them to share a bed. You share a bed & you know what’s going to happen.

  • jackieOsassin

    i wish i could send this article to everyone across the earth.

  • Superfly1978

    FAWK NO! That’s just crazy

  • realest me

    Yeah. That’s a good idea. Make it easier for them to keep having sex and produce more kids? SMH. I think this is stupid. You don’t do anything to make it easier for them. Let them learn the hard way. Make them raise their own kid. And get a job and find their own damn place.

  • Neecee401

    In the words of my mother… HELL NO! NOT IN MY HOUSE!

    • Pivyque

      LOL THANK YOU.

  • http://twitter.com/prfectisshe myprfectimprfections

    no way ! you want to be an adult then act like one and get your own!

  • TRUTH

    Eff no, if you want to behave like an adult, take on adult responsibilities whih includes getting your own place!! Take your time and grow up. Life isn’t running away!!