Giving You The Best That I Got: 7 Signs You Might Be Giving Too Much In Your Relationship

June 6, 2012  |  
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You have to be generous to have real love in your life. You need to be willing to change and compromise from time to time, but, it’s too easy (especially for women) to be the only one changing, compromising and giving for the relationship. It worse if you change so often and so much that you start to not realize it. And if you’re constantly in that type of relationship, you may have codependent tendencies. Here are some common signs of codependency:

You never try to disagree
A major trait of a codependent person is a strong desire to avoid conflict, at all costs. You may think it’s no big deal when your partner says one little thing that you don’t agree with, but you swallow your words so as to avoid conflict. But, swallow your words enough and you’ve got a partner who thinks you agree with him on everything, and you’re not being yourself, all for the sake of being with somebody. It’s all right to have an opinion…and a backbone.

You instantly apologize
Just because someone gets mad at you or a little frustrated doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. But, when a codependent person sees their partner become upset with them, they instantly grovel, apologize, ask how to make it better and assume complete fault. The healthy response would be to pause and analyze both parties’ behavior: “Did I do anything wrong here? To what degree is my partner correct, and to what degree is he just being emotional?” Codependent people skip that step once again for fear of creating conflict.

You fight all the time
But you’re still together…Why would you be in a miserable relationship? To simply be in one. At least, that’s why codependent people do it. If you have a history of staying for a long time in tumultuous relationships, it could be because you’ve been too afraid to let go. A healthy individual without codependent tendencies realizes, “I’m not happy in this relationship…I want out.” A codependent person panics at the thought of being alone, and clings onto the unhealthy relationship.

You’re distracted when apart
If you’re codependent, you prioritize relationships too much, and so you worry all the time about yours. You’re constantly wondering if your partner is happy with you and if he still loves you. While you should care about these things, you shouldn’t worry so much about them that you’re distracted at work, around your friends, and in general cannot enjoy a moment if your partner isn’t there. You shouldn’t have to constantly worry about the state of your relationship.

You can’t just enjoy a party
You should be able to socialize without worrying constantly about whether or not your your partner is having a good time. Codependent women always keep one eye on their partner when out at a bar or party—does he need another drink? Does he feel trapped in that conversation? Should I save him from it? Does it look like I’m flirting with this man? Will my partner get mad? Am I staying by his side enough? If any of these thoughts sound familiar, you may have some codependent tendencies. In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable just forgetting about your partner for a minute, trusting that they just want you to have a good time as much as you want them to have a good time as well.

You’ve accepted abuse
There is absolutely no excuse for abuse. If you’ve accepted any sort of abuse—psychological manipulation, verbal abuse, a man who tries to control what you do, or God forbid, physical abuse—and you found some way to justify it, this is the ultimate sign of codependency: you’re accepting abuse just so that you can keep that person around.

All in all, you change (too much) for him
You should of course take an interest in your partner’s passions. But have you ever heard the term “relationship chameleon”? This is someone who takes on their partner’s identity—dressing the same, trying to follow the same shows/music/activities as their partner, talking like them, taking on their values, etc. You’re losing what makes you, you.

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  • Eversol

    This article is making it a negative to be codependent. Being independent equates with being a solo act and not needing your partner. Being dependent is a real negative because one is most likely insecure and thirsts for love and attention and companionship. Being codependent means you need you partner but you can function without them. You love them but you also love yourself.

    This article is about those who are dependent and needy. Only a weak person feels lost without the other half.

  • ladyE1988

    I WAS definately ALL of these things but i think i just wanted to be loved… I always felt my feelings(an just me as a super shy kid needing attention) were neglected so that just made me even more awkward. My scandalous daddy, who i just absolutely adored, effed with my mind,eventually only to ditch us for some 20 something year old hootch and HER daughter. When i was 18 i was raped and to this day the only person around that knows is my best friend, because it happened to her too. This prompted me to just leave home abruptly right after graduation so i could forget everything n not deal with those feelings, n of course never run into him. Alcohol seemed to help too.I thought i could get a fresh start, but unfortunately and subconsciously the pain was FAR from over. I met this gorgeous guy that all the girls loved but i couldn’t believe he wanted me!!! Then began my first real relationship. By then i was already so broken and lost and felt unworthy and disgusted by my own reflection. I felt like i’d be lucky if ANYbody wanted to be with me.So i thought, he was so nice n he made me trust him n love him. And when he knew he had me 100% thats when the true colors were revealed. Misunderstanding turned into anger, anger turned into verbal abuse, verbal turned emotional, and then i couldn’t believe i allowed it turned physical. He took advantage of me being vulnerable and low and broke me down even more, which i didn’t was possible.

    • ladyE1988

      I started drinking more. started cutting myself. I was always made to feel guilty and defensive of being faithful so long as ANY man was around whether i knew him or not. I lost all my friends(except my bestie) I was a totally different person. I lost mad weight. He got us both evicted and eventually had to leave school cause i was homeless. I had SO many horrible things done to me. But i stayed because i had NO love for myself and i felt like i deserved it. Evrytime he’d hit me or degrade me or make me feel less than, afterwards he would grovel and beg and be so sorry n promise to change n never do it again. I let that as*wipe throw me against the wall n knock me out cold. I never thought i would be one of those girls, and i remember when i came to i starred into the mirror and i just thought out loud “What am i doing?” And noone ever knew. They still don’t.But i prayed about it alot. I got some damn sense along with age, and a whole lotta love n support from my best friend-my sister- and i finally left his sorry a** 🙂 he started stalking me for a while too, but not like full on crazy stalker, he was just super guilty and knew i was done this time. I’m 24 now and in a new relationship with a wonderful man, n it’s all still definitely a growing process but i know i will NEVER be that person again.You really do have to learn to deem yourself worthy and love yourself first.

  • sweetdorka

    wow. this is me. I have never been in any relationships, but yeah…

  • These can be applicable to friendships too. Not just romantic relationships.

  • madameblanco

    Wow. I was on and off with a guy who I thought was my world for 4 years. I felt all 7 of these things. We completely ended things 6 weeks ago and never felt so connected to an article regarding this thus far.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • nphatnat

    Yes that was great advice, thischick…you hit the nail on the head from beginning to the end

  • Ladybug94

    Years ago I was in a codependent relationship with a sociopath. What a combination, thank God for deliverance.

  • L-Boogie

    When I was in my teens and early twenties, I was that girl; however, I am no longer.

    • tatay

      im in my early twenties righ now and i just got dumbed an hour ago and ican honestly say this one here has me pegged to a T im that girl with exeption to the abuse one but other than that, thats me all the way how do i change this????

      • ThisChick

        You have to get to the point that you see your self worth. Simply do not be in a relationship just to be in one. Work on yourself because if you are not happy alone you will not be happy with someone else. Also, you need to realize the type of man your with. He needs to be in a good emotional state himself because you can’t be with someone who don’t even have themselves together. Both of yall should be contributing and really working for a good relationship, not one depending on the other. Also you need to realize that sometimes you just have to let a relationship go. Just because two people may love each other does not mean they are meant for each other. I can’t say much about what specifically you can do because I don’t know your situation but I have been a girl in relationships I didn’t not need to be in nor did I know how to really get out. I don’t know if you are religious or not but for me I just prayed and asked God to give me the strength to let go of the relationship and if it was meant to be it would work itself out. Anything of God is great and will work. Im only 19 and don’t know much about all relationships have to offer but sometimes you just have to let go to better yourself.

        • Miss D

          Great advice, ThisChick. You seem very wise for 19.

        • Miss D

          Great advice, ThisChick. You seem very wise for 19.

      • L-Boogie

        This Chick’s advice is sound advice. Also, pray on it. Hope that helps.