Uh, Somebody Lied to You: 8 Misconceptions About Single Black Women

May 30th, 2012 - By IndigoBlack

That Steve Harvey and ‘nem know us better than we know ourselves

Sure, Think Like a Man wasn’t bad, but after Steve decided he was going to be a relationship expert (he even doles out advice on “Family Feud” sometimes. Ugh.), everyone and their mother decided they wanted to pen a book or get on the radio talking about what’s keeping black women lonely at night. ONCE AGAIN, thanks, but no thanks. In reality, a lot of what these men are saying is pretty much common sense, so just because you can tell us “Stop being so damn independent” or ” Spice things up in the bedroom” in a stern voice and because you wrote a love song or two doesn’t make you the end all, be all for information on the mind and matters of black women in the dating world. Now sit down somewhere.

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  • Ga vr eel

    ALL OF YOU ALL ARE STUPID IF NOT FOR PERSONAL REASONS WE NEED EACH OTHER TO STRENGTHEN THE RACE IF A MAN IS TIGER WOODS HE DON’T NEED YOU.. NEED.. NO DESIRE TO CREATE AND RESTORE, I DON’T NEED YOU AND YOU DON’T NEED ME.. A MAN.. BEING SELFISH BUT… WHO CHILDREN ARE FILLING THE JAILS… NOW WE DO NEED EACH OTHER IF WE WANT TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND AND FINALLY CATCH THE PRIZE.. CAN’T YOU SEE THEY ARE USING THIS AS A WEDGE TO DIVIDE US BLACK MAN AND WOMEN.. AND THE WOMEN GO FOR IT HEADS OVER HEELS… IN THE LONG RUN WE ALL SUFFER… HIGH CRIME.. ETC… SINGLE MOTHERS MEN ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A FAMILY.. AND WE HAVE BEEN TARGETED SINCE THE BEGINNNING..GOD NEVER SENT A WOMAN TO SAVE A NATION AND THAT IS WHAT WE SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON
    THE NATION OF BLACK PEOPLE.. AGAINST THE SYSTEM OF WHITE RULE… BUT YOU THINK IT DOESN’T EXIST SO KEEP CALLING YOUR SELF A BITCH…KEEP KNOCKING THE BROTHERS FIGHT AGAINST RACISM…YOU SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO THE PRESIDENT…SO WHAT MAKE YOU THINK THEY DON’T PRACTICE IT ON THE BROTHER IN THE STREET..TRYING TO MAKE IT.

    LET S COME TOGETHER STOP HOPPING IN BED WITH MEN SO QUICK..
    TAKE A YEAR 18 MONTHS TO GET TO KNOW HIM AND THEN YOU WILL GET RESPECT

    HELP A BROTHER NOT WITH MONEY BUT SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGE , BE A RESOURCE YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT ALL ALONG

    AND IF A MAN CAN TAKE CARE OF YOJ
    WHY CAN’T YOU TAKE CARE AND HELP A MAN

    DOUBLE STANDARD

    YOU WANT TO BE EQUAL

    IF SO YOU WILL STOP BEING TWO FACED

    SOME GOOD MEN ARE WALKING PAST YOU RIGHT NOW
    BRIGHT MEN… AND THEY NEED HELP TO REACH THE NEXT LEVEL

    OH BUT YOUR DEGREE SAYS YOU ARE BETTER

    IT’S INDOCTRINATION NOT EDUCATION

    WE ARE STILL ALL SLAVES

    THING ABOUT IT

    ga- vre- el

    ..

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  • Thugstress326

    You forgot my personal favorite.. “You must be gay!” smh..

    • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

      I have heard this one and although I am all for marriage equality…it was greatly appalling. Considering the person I heard it from and the life she has, I just let her think she was doing something with that joke.

  • am9625

    I am married and let me tell you, being married isn’t what people think it is. It is hard work, and it can be very painful. I would rather be single, without the stress, than be in a lonely, unhappy marriage. Sistas, take your time choosing a man. Don’t lower standards. Please don’t lower your standards!!!!! When I was young and single, I was happy. I was having fun with my friends and family. Please, be choosy and love yourself right now. Find out what makes you happy. Be about you right now. For real. 

    • advine3

      Hey Girl! God bless you & amen! I was in a bad relationship that had me feeling that way & when we broke-up I was Happy! & I realized, its nothing like being lonely when you are with someone…& that alone has given me so much motivation to be Happy doing things with me &God!

  • http://kimster-thatswhatshesaid.blogspot.com/ Kimster

    It speaks volumes about society, no matter what race. It’s interesting the number of people who will give a happy, single woman with standards the side eye, but expect her to settle when she’s unhappy with someone who isn’t treating her the way she deserves to be treated. Men as playboys and batchelors are almost seen as a social norm but single women, by choice, are often viewed as too independent for their own good.

  • WLKNLUV

    i agree

  • Bluekissess

    Sometimes these “list” seem sexist. It’s always about what the black woman ain’t doing and always question what we do. I understand that articles such as these start conversations but these have been the same conversations for decades. Its 2012 things have changed. We’re working, having children, getting married, staying fit etc. We need list such as: how to invest our money, tips on mantaing good credit, list on how to love our children, list on how to communicate with our spouses, healthy recipes

    For the singles: places to meet other singles, excel at your career, retreats to attend with your single girlfriends

    I need balance. Not a lecture and not being depressed after reading

    • Seriously

      Then go find an economic website or enroll in a class.

      • Bluekissess

        I already have thanks for the suggestion :)

    • activist1

      This site does have all of that. There haven’t been too many lately so I see your point. But, I have seen a number of articles with the subjects you’ve listed.

  • November Rain

    I ain’t gonna lie.  I’m single because I’m tired of games and I refuse to accept the incredibly high amount of b.s. that comes my way.  I can be honest, I’m a little bitter and that’s another reason why I’m choosing to stay single.  I don’t even want to converse with a man.  Hi and bye are good for me now.  I don’t want your number, you can’t have mine, we can’t go for coffee and I don’t give a fvck about how you feel….okay, so maybe a lot bitter but at least I’m not inflicting it on someone who has done nothing to deserve it.  I need a break from daitng and men and sex period.

    • Bluekissess

      I think that’s powerful. I love it when a woman can stick to her guns. I hope I can get to that point one day

    • Mls2698

      Welcome! That’s not bitter, though. I agree its powerful.

      • temple t00

        Yeah I agree, that is not bitter. That label needs to die & go back to only describing fruit or drinks.
        Being thoughtful enough to know when to take a step back from dating/relationships to clear your spirit is an intelligent strategy. No bitterness in that soul-saving move.

    • advine3

      Yes, lil sis; I concur that it is healthy & wise for you to be an hiatus. Take time & energy to invest in you & add God to that element of you & pray… Girlie, its no telling what our God wont do for you. & I know cause of how HE blessed me when I did the same trust HIM…Bless ya!

  • L-Boogie

    Good article.

    • GeorgeZ1978

      Shut up nïggá h0e

  • Candacey Doris

    Good article! I have o many people that as why I’m not really dating, what’s wrong, etc. I don’t have TIME! I just went straight from undergrad to grad and i work. A man does not fit the equation right now.  I can’t stand some of the assumptions.  People just need to accept the fact that sometimes a girl wants to handle her own life and worry about including someone else later.

    I agree with the bit on not caring about white women an black men too. Who cares what color someone’s bf/gf is?! In this messed up world falling in love is not guaranteed so restricting yourself to one race seems stupid. Anyone giving grief over someone else’s choice needs to look at their reasons.

  • temple t00

    Like the article, although I don’t necessarily agree 100%.  But this seems rather disingenuous:

    “. . . a majority of the time it comes from non-black women.”
    Being a writer, I know that you’re likely observant (a people watcher & listener), experienced in research, etc.  I’m aware that, as a general rule, nonblack women are not allies to black women.  But in truth neither are black men & women allies to black women (in general).  I can say with certainty that nonblack women are not the majority propagandists against black women.  They have plenty of allies in this endeavor.

  • afterthekiss

    This post is so funny to me!  As of May 7th, 2012…I have decided to take a break from men.  I have allowed myself to only have casual conversations with men and thats it!  I can’t exchange #’s, we can’t go out, we can’t have sex, none of that!  I’m choosing to be single by choice and God knows I need the break!  But when people hear about my “not until 2013″ plan, they quickly assume that I was badly scorned by my recent ex, or I just can’t find the right one, or they try to hook me up with every man that they see.  I don’t understand why people can’t believe that a woman could and would choose to be single!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1156234708 Kristen Cotton

      ppl do have a hard time w/ that concept.  I tell them ” the bible says it is not good for man to be alone.”  God aint say nothing about a woman.  It makes sense if you ask me: there are more women in the world than there are men.  Maybe it was gods way of telling the men, “its not women who need you, but you who need the women”

      • Janay

        I say this all the time women need to realize that men need women way more than vice versa

        • FStubbs

           The “you made a mistake, you fool, I don’t need you” attitude leads to problems too.

        • SM

          Unfortunately… For the most part, they/you do! To both sexes detriment. We need you yes! But please remember that you equally need us too. I think, somehow that whole idea has gotten lost in the past two generations.

      • FStubbs

         God did say something about the woman; she’s a help meet to the man.

        There are 106 male births for every 100 female births.

        Personally? Tired of having to be perfect to even get a woman’s attention. But God only created one woman for me anyway. Just have to find her. (If he intended me to have more than one woman, he’d have given me more than one … okay, I won’t go there :) )

    • Smacks_hoes

      I totally understand …I’m 20 years old. All throughout highschool and the 1st year of college I juggled men (no sex of course). Just conversing with different guys. Now I’m just at a stage in my life where I’m completely over
      dating. I just tired lol. I think I’ll end my dating hiatius in a few years. Of course I get lonely at times but dating just isn’t worth it to me. I think me having a fear if commitment has a little something to do with my frustrations. *shrugs*

      • advine 3

        That’s so the sweet. Talk to us in 5 years… Get some life under ypur belt—& we will see what you you hafta say, then. You are so young & have a long way to go; God willing…
        adv

    • Bluekissess

      I think the dating game is hard. To many lies in the beginning. Dating seems like a chore than a journey

    • Injynqbs

      I’m single too and totally understand it being a choice but WOO good luck on this regimen! I commend you if it comes out as you planned. I could probably stand to really just tell them all to get the heck away myself lol

  • Chile please

    Lol anywho I say do you… People always have CRAZY misconceptions about being single and all people have different life experiences so to put any person or group of people in some kind of box when they are single is stupid in my opinion. I’m very focused on my business goals and dont really have time to cater in a relationship with anyone right now… Most guys in my space right now either require too much time or want to play games and make u chase them down which I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR PATIENCE… When I feel the need to make the time
    For games and such I might… But right now it aint happenin cap’n lol

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/HB2EZDGOE26ZXUUUH666QOL2ZQ Lola

    Oh My God, who the he// cares?!?!? 

    You come up with a list of this nature nearly every 2 weeks, enough already.  If you’re happy in your life then be happy and let others hold unto their ignorant misconceptions. As long as you know who you are and how fulfilled your life is, that is all that matters. At the rate you’re going you seem a bit too defensive. The Lady doth protest too much, me think.

  • Lola

    Oh My God, who the he// cares?!?!? 

    You come up with a list of this nature nearly every 2 weeks, enough already.  If you’re happy in your life then be happy and let others hold unto their ignorant misconceptions. As long as you know who you are and how fulfilled your life is, that is all that matters. At the rate you’re going you seem a bit too defensive. The Lady doth protest too much, me think.

    • IndigoBlack

      You must not read my stuff, defensive is what I do. I’m extremely critical about things in society on the daily, lol.
      But I feel you. However, a lot of these lists are just meant to address the conversations we see and hear people have on the regular. If they pertain to you, cool. If not, that’s cool too, you can just take them with a grain of salt. In reality, it’s not something that consumes my existence, just a interesting topic I thought to discuss with the Noirettes. Be cool, baby!

      • http://profile.yahoo.com/HB2EZDGOE26ZXUUUH666QOL2ZQ Lola

        LOL, alright, I’ll be cool (for now) but every time you come out with one of these articles, I shall provide a variant of my above response.

        Good night.

        • Chile please

          *sips tea*

      • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

         If she doesn’t like it she can always…not read them…I like your articles IndigoBlack. They’re really interesting and informative.

        • http://profile.yahoo.com/HB2EZDGOE26ZXUUUH666QOL2ZQ Lola

          Yes, by all means, the author should write articles that appeals only to those who share her sentiments – she must avoid readers with opposing views at all cost. *end of sarcasm*

          Just an FYI, any writer worth her salt greatly appreciates views that are contradictory to her own; it is what keeps the “debates” interesting. As someone who writes about women’s issues on another blog, I can say this with authority: If everyone agreed with the author’s topics, I’m sure she’d be bored to death.

        • Bstevens1225

          I totally agree! I also love your articles IndigoBlack, they are very informative. With all the negative media hype going on about black women, someone need to speak the truth! 

        • Bstevens1225

          I totally agree! I also love your articles IndigoBlack, they are very informative. With all the negative media hype going on about black women, someone need to speak the truth! 

      • Mls2698

        How do you write the article and respond to it, too? Or rather, why?

    • IndigoBlack

      You must not read my stuff, defensive is what I do. I’m extremely critical about things in society on the daily, lol.
      But I feel you. However, a lot of these lists are just meant to address the conversations we see and hear people have on the regular. If they pertain to you, cool. If not, that’s cool too, you can just take them with a grain of salt. In reality, it’s not something that consumes my existence, just a interesting topic I thought to discuss with the Noirettes. Be cool, baby!