Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Dating the Ex’s Friend & Waiting for His Libido

May 30th, 2012 - By madamenoire

Dear Damon,

My boyfriend and I had a baby 5 months ago and we haven’t had sex since I was about 6 months pregnant. I have expressed my desire on many occasions and have gotten nowhere. Other aspects of the relationship are fine and when I talk to him he says he wants it as well but nothing ever happens. It seems wrong to end things because of this or to step out on him but I don’t know what to do. I have been considering both. I can’t go on like this. Should it be a deal breaker? He’s a wonderful father and as far as our relationship goes we talk, go out, he’s supportive, he provides, brings me gifts and flowers, cooks, does laundry, etc. But I feel like I have to beg for sex and I will not; I also cannot see myself in a sexless relationship. I have asked him if he wants to separate (wondering if I’m the reason he doesn’t want to be physical) and he says no so I don’t understand.

Sincerely,

Tired of Waiting

 

Dear Tired of Waiting,

I have to say, in all my years of letter answering and advice giving, this is the first I’ve heard of a relationship on the ropes because the man decided to stop having sex. Not saying it never happens — I’m sure it occurs more often than people think — but it’s interesting how whenever a couple is having libido issues, the woman’s lack of sex drive is usually what’s blamed.

Anyway, although I’m (obviously) not your boyfriend, I can think of quite a few reasons why he may not want to have sex. Perhaps it’s a physical issue. Maybe he’s having problems down there, and doesn’t want to have sex because he’s embarrassed. Maybe he’s depressed, and the depression is affecting his libido. Maybe the demands of new fatherhood have made sex unimportant to him. And, perhaps he’s not as sexually attracted to you as he was before you got pregnant and (presumably) gained weight.

Either way, removing sex from a relationship for no apparent reason is definitely a relationship dealbreaker (please re-read this everyone), and I suggest you stress to him the importance of seeing a doctor or a therapist to see what’s causing this issue. You have to be careful with how you suggest it, though. There may not be a subject more sensitive for a man than his performance in the bedroom, and, if you genuinely want for this relationship to work, you have to find a way to convince him to get help instead of shaming him into it.

If he’s willing, then hopefully you’ll be able to make whatever changes are needed together.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

If you’d like Damon to answer a longer relationship question, send an e-mail to editors_at_madamenoire.com. You can also join Damon on our Facebook page on Wednesdays from 1-2pm. 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel

    I have lived in more than a few cities and I have to agree with Champ- women in Cincinnati are the hardest to deal with out of all the cities I’ve lived.

  • msjb

    I had the same thing happen between myself and my child father.
    I lost all of the baby weight and gained some assets lol along the way. But he
    still wasn’t trying to touch me. I cried, begged, seduced. An eventually I
    cheated. I couldn’t take it anymore and needed to feel the touch of a man.
    While I never got caught I began to resent him for making me feel unwanted and
    neglecting me. We are still together 3 years later and nothing has changed
    except my feelings towards him. I still love him, but this whole situation has
    caused me fall out of love with him.

    So please talk to him and
    then give him a time limit and then leave. I am giving you the advice that my therapist
    gave me. So I created a time line nothing has changed and I am moving July 1st.
    I feel bad for my daughter, but I refuse to be miserable in my own home.

  • bigdawgman

    The friend thing is between the guy and your ex.  Some people stick real strong to the rule, but others such as myself, think it’s overblown.  The friend should ask the ex if it’s okay, if he’s unsure.  Or dump the ex as a friend.  If he’s a true friend (sounds like a buster to me though) he’ll be a grownup and not be bothered by it.

    I think I’ve heard that sometimes after a baby, men see the woman as a “mother figure”, and lose sexual interest.  He needs counseling.  If he won’t seek it, you need to split up with him amicably. Sex is important in a monogamous relationship.   I hate to bring it up, but dude isn’t stepping out, is he?  Sounds real suspicious… I hope I’m wrong.

  • guest

    For the woman in the sexless relationship, I went through the very same thing with my ex. After our first child, it seemed like a switch was flipped inside him and he no longer had any desire for sex. Sixteen years later and he is still the same way. I stuck around for 14 more years before I decided I had enough begging, crying, talking, yelling, and fighting. If he refuses to seek help, move on. You will only build up resentment and anger, and it will destroy your sense of self worth and any self confidence you might have. I thought my ex was my soul mate and we would be together forever. Yes, we did have more than one child, but thats basically because I forced him to have sex. It was mercy sex………Dont hang in there too long if he isnt willing to get help or address the issue. 

  • Lisa Rawlings

    Interesting…I never new there was a “rule” about dating your ex’s friends.  Maybe it’s uncomfortable, but you’re all adults.  Have a conversation about it and move on.  Now…dating one of your friend’s exes…that’s a problem.

    On the libido problem…I’m guessing they’ve talked about it honestly.  If not, that’s problem number one.  Again…you’re both adults.  Talk about it honestly and gently.  It could be he’s afraid of having another baby….but you won’t find out if you don’t talk about it.  Plus, what’s the problem with initiating?  Men take the risk all of the time.  Take the risk of trying to seduce him every once in a while :)

  • Lisa Rawlings

    Interesting…I never new there was a “rule” about dating your ex’s friends.  Maybe it’s uncomfortable, but you’re all adults.  Have a conversation about it and move on.  Now…dating one of your friend’s exes…that’s a problem.

    On the libido problem…I’m guessing they’ve talked about it honestly.  If not, that’s problem number one.  Again…you’re both adults.  Talk about it honestly and gently.  It could be he’s afraid of having another baby….but you won’t find out if you don’t talk about it.  Plus, what’s the problem with initiating?  Men take the risk all of the time.  Take the risk of trying to seduce him every once in a while :)

  • RM

    As a woman from Cincinnati, I resent that!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=551680935 Eric McDaniel

      Haha!

  • Doyougurl

    Gurl dump that zero and get you a hero.  I probably won’t do it because when i end things with a man, its over with i want no part of him , friends or his family. He is officially deleted out of my life. However, in this situation  i don’t see why she can’t date him. However, i bet you that ex- will get really jealous of you and him being happy together and he may sabotage things so watch out!

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