Bump a Book of Rules: Love Is Not That Complicated

May 23rd, 2012 - By Brande Victorian

Steve Harvey might deserve an apology. Okay, maybe not all that, but we can back up off of him for a while and turn our attention to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. The ladies are the authors of The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, and they are getting ready to tap into women’s insecurities once again with a revamped version of the 1995 self-help book titled, Not Your Mother’s Rules. Here’s just a snippet of some of the things they advised women to do the first time around:

  1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other”
  2. Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
  3. Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
  4. Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
  5. Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
  6. Always End Phone Calls First
  7. Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

I don’t really know what be a “creature” unlike any other means, but it sounds a little scary. After these sticklers, the ladies give a bit more practical advice like, don’t date a man, don’t open up to fast, don’t sleep with him too soon, etc., but without even reading the first edition of the book, the idea of having 35 revamped ideas on how to go about getting or keeping a man slightly makes my head spin. It reminds me of a conversation I was having with my best friend once. We were going on, and on, and on, and on about what ifs, should wes, I don’t knows, and a bunch of other extra-ness about some fools who weren’t even worth the time, and eventually I just stopped and said, “it’s not supposed to be this complicated.” In my mind, that’s about the only rule there is when it comes to dating, love, and getting married. When things start to get too complicated in a relationship, particularly too soon, and you wrestle with every decision related to the other person, that’s usually a sign you need to exit stage left.

Don’t get me wrong, there will be complicated situations but when you’re dealing with people, there honestly is no guidebook. Yes, men tend to be simplistic and there are a few basic things they all pretty much desire; however they are not all the same—or monoliths, since that’s the term everyone likes to use these days. You will literally drive yourself crazy and miss out on some opportunities trying to always end a conversation first and not returning someone’s phone call. Men like to chase, but it also doesn’t take them long to see someone isn’t interested (some of them anyway). While you’re playing around, tallying up how many missed calls you have, he’s probably somewhere meeting someone new. Plus, love, romance, and dating are supposed to be rooted in something beneficial being added to your life, not a problem you have to solve or a game you have to play. Nothing about following these rules sounds fun, inviting, or like a situation I’d want to sign up for. I have enough things I’m required to do as a simple American citizen. I don’t need any more.

When I think about this book, I get visions of “Two Can Play That Game in My Head,” you just can’t operate in a play-by-play fashion when it comes to different men and what works for different women. If you want to set some rules, come up with your own—that are realistic and less staunch. I think we call those standards. This right here is just a bit too much. I’d also like to point out the irony that like Steve, Ellen Fein has been married more than once. Wonder how she explained that away? She claimed that after having written a best seller and raising two children, she and her husband discovered they were two different people from the ones who fell in love. Eight years after her divorce in 2000, she remarried and said she followed The Rules to attract her second husband. I bet she did.

It usually doesn’t hurt to read tips or suggestions when we’re dealing with someone new. Sometimes we are genuinely clueless about a romantic encounter or situation and an outsider may have some wisdom to impart to us, but entrusting your entire love life to two women you never met and 35 rules with no room for bending? Nah. The only way I’d follow these rules is if it was some sort of experiment. Life throws all kinds of stuff at you, and you have to be flexible and respond according to individual circumstances—love is no different.

Have you ever checked out the rules? Do you think books like this are necessary?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

Tags:

, , , , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

  • meatcleaver

    Women like to go after unavailable men. They spend their best years going after men of no substance. When they’ve been used up, that’s when they start noticing those other dudes who actually have something going for themselves.

  • Nuage_2001

    the cons of these advice books is that we are working with 1950s rules in a 2012 world. Sorry but in 1950 ur girl was a virgin or else she was a slut. In 2012 unless the guy is very traditiona ( as i like to say hypocritical), i dont think he cares that much…In 1950s men were the providers, men brought home the bacon, made the decisions, they were MEN, in 2012 we r more in symbiotic relationship s( unless u wanna be in a patriarchal relaionship). so where r the rules to apply to 2012 man and not 1950s men ? Y follow pre civil rights ideas ( which werent  that great) as opposed to Post internet world ? 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

    Also, I’ll never understand why women listen to other women (who usually can’t keep a man) on how to attract a man. A MAN will tell you how to attract him. But that’s just it, isn’t. That would be to easy to just, y’know, do what men like. And almost none of these “rules” will get you closer to Mr. Right.

    All the silly little games women start from high school and never really get rid of, men can’t stand. Pretending your calendar is all booked up when it’s not.  Desperately wanting a guy to come talk to you but acting like you don’t. Waiting days to return a phone call. For guys like me, these are red flags that will get you dropped with the swiftness. Why would a guy waste his time jumping through petty hoops when he can move on to a real woman that’s not about the games?

    • Chanda

      I don’t get the silly games either. Women like that are doing way much and is it even worth it? Just go with the flow, time will tell if the relationship works out or not.

    • Jmmitchell

      Good read…I am a 40yr old female & never have & never will have time for games,
      why cant we all just be honest & get along….
      Its refreshing to hear a mans perspective and a man thats open to meet a real woman…
      You must be married… ((grin))

    • Philatg83

      Real rap. Women with self-image and self esteem issues have to play games, because they usually are attracted to the wrong types of men and in order to try to break the cycle they need to put safeguards in place. There are plenty of normal, really great women out there who don’t need to operate by this stupid rules. If you have to play games then you really don’t trust your partner not to hurt you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

    THE quickest way for a woman to get dropped is to play the stupid “don’t answer when he calls/don’t call back too soon” game. Prince said it back in ’86: “Women, not girls rule my world.” Don’t play silly games or you’ll find yourself caught up by the game.

  • Maggiewhite934

     __blackwhiteplanet .℃○M__  Where　To　Seek　The 　Serious　Relationship.

  • Philatg83

    Lol. I needed that laugh. Listen, a decent guy won’t make you pay on a date; but I always thought it was thoughtful when women offer. It shows something about their character. A decent man will politely turn down the offer. The rest of these rules are retarded, lol you’re supposed to not talk, make eye contact, or return calls? Why should the guy keep dating you if you act like you’re not into him? Be yourself, either he likes you or he doesn’t and vice versa. You can’t stress it because you sense it when someone it too stressed over it.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/I3GUBZM7EPCBWA3IGGRV7USLWM Mixedmatching.c0m❤date differe

     ｋｅｅｐ　ｙｏｕｒ　ｅｙｅｓ　ｏｎ　ｍｙ　ｕｓｅｎａｍｅ
    ｉ　ｊｕｓｔ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｓａｙ　ｉｔ＇ｓ　ａ　ｗｏｎｄｅｒｆｕｌ　ｐｌａｃｅ　ｔｏ　ｄａｔｅ　ｙｏｕｒ　ｓｏｕｌｍａｔｅ

        ↑↑↑ __D_a_t_e______b_l_a_c_k____and__w_h_t_i_e___L_o_v_e_r___H_e_r_e.Interracial dating       

  • Nehemiah53

    It’s really not that complicated!

  • Guest1234

    I get what you’re saying… but some of those rules are true.  A woman really shouldn’t pursue a man.  And she definitely shouldn’t go dutch.  Other than that, I think you’re prob right.  The Rules are too rigid and require WAY too much game playing, etc…

    I just don’t understand the ladies who think that modern times dictate that women should take the lead in pursuing a relationship – it NEVER works.  I learned the hard way that any man who needs me to pursue him, or pay my own way on a date, isn’t worth dating in the first place.  When I met the love of my life he treated me like silk.  When it’s right, it’s right.  There ain’t nothing wrong with expecting to be treated like a lady. :)

    • Ttk

      I was turning my nose up at ”
      I just don’t understand the ladies who think that modern times dictate that women should take the lead in pursuing a relationship – it NEVER works”…but you know what? I think you’re absolutely right.  I always thought that I should pursue what I wanted, and somehow it never worked out for me. So true that when it’s right, it’s right.  Im really at a point in my life where I am able to see past a LOT of bulls*@t.

    • Negress

      “Let the boys do the chasing and keep them at arms length.” Mamma H.

    • Philatg83

      True if it worked for you, but the old school way of thinking about dating in which men pursue and pay also dictates that the man is the head of his household. If you are fine deferring in certain situations, then by all means. But for more independent women, I can see where they might not take the advice. Just depends on the type of relationship you want.

      • Guest1234

        Hahaha!!  That’s cute.  You, my dear, have a lot to learn about relationships.  Men as the head of the household….that’s a laugh.  

        • Philatg83

          Well, I haven’t had bunch of bad relationships and it sounds like you have had a few. And I’m going out with women who actually have normal levels of self-esteem, and thus don’t need to over-compensate for being rejected by society by having an over-inflated sense of self worth.  

      • Guest1234

        Men as the head of household only applies if the woman CAN’T/WON’T take care of herself (i.e. work, etc…), not because he bought her dinner a few times.  That’s being a gentleman – not the boss.  There’s a pretty clear distinction.

        • Philatg83

          Yeah, so that point obviously sailed over your head.

        • Philatg83

          The idea of the man being the provider stems from a time when men and women were not equals. Women needed men to provide. Times have changed, which is why I said that some women are old school and some more independent. To each his own. But if you want to play into the old school roles, the man being the head is a part of that construct. It doesn’t imply ownership of the woman because a good man will be in partnership with his wife and want her to feel happy. But you’re trying to mix roles and you cant do that. An independent woman at least offers to pay half, because she wants to show up front where her head is at. Now, a decent guy will decline. But that’s lets him know up front what kind of woman he is dealing with.

          • Guest1234

            No.  A decent guy doesn’t date a woman who can’t take care of herself.  He doesn’t pay because he assumes she can’t, he pays because it is a nice gesture.  This isn’t about “roles”.  It’s about dating a man who wants to make that gesture.  

            My head is at a place where I expect men to treat me nicely.  The guy knows I’m an attorney who can take care of herself and her family before he asked me out.  Get it?  He knows what kind of woman I am before he asks.  THAT’s why he asked.  My paying (or offering to pay) doesn’t change any of it.  And my expectation that he pays doesn’t make me beholden to him or any less independent.   Keep payin’ for dates if you want.  But I didn’t find my husband until I raised my standards.

            • Philatg83

              “A decent guy doesn’t date a woman who can’t take care of herself.” – That’s a ridiculous statement, especially coming from a woman. 

              You don’t “know” anyone until you spend time personally with them. So the guy didn’t “know” you before he dated you. He might have like what he thought he saw in you. But even married folks find out things that they didn’t realize ahead of time about their spouse. The “I’m owed this” kind of attitude tends to weigh as a marriage lasts longer.

              You seem like exactly the kind of woman that lot of guys avoid. The type who expects to be treated a certain way. A little bit of diva behavior. I’ve always believed in a true relation, everyone drops the pretense. If you really like someone then you naturally want to do things to make them happy. Like I said, I cover the expense on dates 100% of the even if I know I won’t go out with her again. But we live in the 21st century, offering to go dutch shows that woman isn’t self-centered, and doesn’t see herself as a diva, or some other dellusional character. That kind of considerate attitude makes a a guy like me want to give her the world even more.

              • Guest1234

                Aha!  I get it.  So, you’re some dude who kinda doesn’t want to feel pressured to pay on dates anymore, so you’re here trying to convince women that their independence is on the line if they don’t offer to pay.  Gotcha.  Good luck with that.  I’m sure you’ll manage to convince a few.  And, rest assured, you can’t educate me about anything.  Next time, stick with trying to “educate” those ladies with low self-esteem.  They are far more likely to buy what you’re sellin’.  Good day.

                • Philatg83

                  I just told you that a decent man will always pay for the date, so what exactly are you talking about? If she offers to go dutch, you decline but walk away knowing that she’s thoughtful. Then you have other women…who have some unresloved issues (father, not feeling accepted by society, or whatever) those women who really are insecure need to re-assured by guys. They need to be treated like Divas. I’m sure there are a few guys who are into that. But even if you are Halle Berry, that stuff gets old (how many times has she been married). I’m guessing you aren’t Halle Berry. No one likes to feel obligatged to do anything. Men want to spoil their lady because they want to, not because she expects is. That’s a red flag from the start.

          • Guest1234

            Get over the “stems from a time” stuff.  That time has passed.  The context is no longer relevant.  Today, women are generally independent.  Thus, men pay to be gentlemanly…and that’s it.  Not to lay claim over a woman’s independence or any of that crap.  Just because a man does something nice to you doesn’t mean that there’s anything else to infer – except that he’s a nice guy.  If he can’t do that much, he ain’t worth dating. Period.  Thus, never pay. Might as well know from the first date if he’s a gentleman or not. 

            • Philatg83

              Lol, I’m just trying to educate you as to the origin of certain customs. You obviously missed the point of the comment. Fortunately for you,  you are already married. Hope it stays that way.