Our usual work banter grew silent. There was the pivotal moment of awkward silence, where every woman either had to choose her bohemian or standardized self. Your take on sex in the workplace was everything; anything you said might slight you forever.

I spoke first, neutrally of course, “He said…that…he’s what?”

The topic of the conversation, Diane, mouthed the words “Polyamorous.”

Some girls in the room wore their “WTF” faces, others raised an eyebrow in intrigue and I smiled. I’d heard this once before: It was circa 2005, in the warmth of a fireplace and the aura of good women. Someone was eager to learn why another’s baby’s father had been absent. The girl told us all that he practiced polyamory; the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (via Wikipedia).

She replied with no hint of agitation, “He’s been with his other woman.”

Most of us at that time were convinced she’d lost her mind. The room was set ablaze with conversation that day, debates pummeling back and forth between vigorous and strong-minded women.

In present day, the room just fell quiet. The girls nodded their heads in understanding and through listening, I discovered that every one of them had been involved with a polyamorous brother…or sister.

1)      Alicia said she was cool with it, while it was happening. She beamed at the recollection, “He told me on the third date that he had another girl. He said sometimes it might even be two, but he never went past three. At first I was mad, but then I realized that we were just having fun, right?” The last word of her sentence seemed to tremble, another notion lingering behind her faux confidence.

2)      Kai said she was blown away by it. She said she’d never had a woman in all her bisexual life be upfront about “cheating” the way this man was. “…When I confronted him about the texts, he was calm! He told me that he was polyamorous and proud and that if I couldn’t accept his lifestyle, then we couldn’t be together. He said he was going to tell me when the time was right. Tuh!”

3)      Diane seemed perplexed by it all. We’d been following her excursions with her new boo since inception. The two met in her neighborhood and went on one date. On the second outing, after a few bouts of wine and tango, they settled into good conversation. It was only then he’d bring up a girlfriend who was in the Peace Corps, who also had a girlfriend, and his diehard polyamory.

She asked us what we thought and I was quite confused myself. I had so many questions. Does polyamory lead to polygamy? Or will he just choose “the one” when it’s time for marriage or when the time is right? If there is a “the one” in the polyamorous world, why all the experimentation? What happens if one person doesn’t know about it? Is it cheating then? Isn’t polyamory just an open relationship? The expert Googler that I am (my ONE boyfriend calls me that) scoured the net for some answers, and here’s what I came up with.

a)      Polyamorous relationships vary on boundaries, set rules, agreements, possessiveness and gender equality. They are all individualistic. Hmmmm.

b)      Apparently, if only one side of the relationship becomes/is polyamorous and there is a child/property involved, it is usually hidden. Such a lifestyle can hinder custody/divorce cases.

c)       I got this via Wikipedia: Children treat parents’ partners as a form of stepparent or are told to think of them as aunts and uncles. (Hmmmm. I know plenty of people who’ve experienced this in their childhood homes and it wasn’t polyamory. That was something different entirely.)

d)      The difference between polyamory and polygamy is that polygamy involves multiple marriages with one man and polyamory is just intimacy/romance shared between multiple people, typically those who are unmarried.

e)      Polyamory is unlike an open relationship, because most open relationships are based on sexual relations. In polyamory, you can have a full-fledged loving relationship with your significant other…one or all of the others.

I don’t think I need to elaborate, if you’d like to investigate further, by all means. However, my concern right now is the frequency of the mention of polyamory within my circle and many others. Is he really polyamorous or is this just a really exquisite way of cheating? Is this phenomenon the new “I-didn’t-know-we-were-claiming-one-another?” Because if it’s going to be, I need to know all the rules so I can give my girls the appropriate arsenal to call you out, if you’re BS’ing.

If this is what floats your boat, enjoy yourself. Personally, I don’t agree nor will I ever practice this. I’m all about monogamy: This everlasting bond between another soul and my own is filler enough. That and well…my writing.

How do you feel about polyamory?

“RivaFlowz” is a teacher and professional writer living in New York City. You can follow her on Twitter: @rivaflowz.

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