Virgin Until Marriage: Does Your Mate’s Past Matter?

May 22nd, 2012 - By Brande Victorian

Source: blogs.desmoinesregister.com

There’s lots of stigma surrounding virginity, tons of myths, and a lot of pressure that falls on those who make a conscious choice not to engage in sex until marriage. When you look at the virgin landscape, it’s not hard to see the dominant figures in the race against fleshly desires. Overwhelmingly, it’s women who proclaim decisions to remain virgins until they walk down the aisle which always makes me wonder, just who are they saving themselves for?

Interestingly, I stumbled across this article on PEOPLE about Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones today which recounts an interview she had on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel that doesn’t talk about her triumphs as a track and field athlete, but about her defeats in the dating game because she’s a 29-year-old virgin. Lolo talks about being reduced to trying to find a man on Twitter, which has been more successful than online dating services, although not much more—which made me think, there has to be a dating website for virgins out there somewhere. But when Lolo was asked why she’s had such a hard time finding a partner she said it’s because she’s been so open about being a virgin and when she was asked why she’s putting herself through such turmoil, she replied that her virginity:

“It’s something, a gift I want to give my husband.”

That sentiment is hardly new, but as Lolo talked about how difficult remaining a virgin was, saying, “This journey has been hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Harder than training for the Olympics. Harder than studying for college has been staying a virgin before marriage,” something kept plaguing me. I was curious what motivates her to remain a virgin knowing that the man she settles down with likely will not be untouched like she is. That may sound cynical, but it’s a genuine question I’ve had for some time.

For a lot of virgins, religion is the motivator. Fornication is a sin, your bodies are supposed to be a temple, and your husband is the only person who should know you in that way, and so staying rooted in your spiritual conviction about not having sex is equal to not lying or getting drunk, or murdering someone. It’s a commandment that’s being kept. It’s a personal decision between you and God. But there’s something different to me about the sentiment of presenting your virginity as a gift to your husband. The choice isn’t just about you, but honoring your future husband in some way with your purity, but it makes me wonder, what are you getting in return, or is that even a concern? It’s certainly possible that a man could be a virgin until marriage too but the realities of the way men are nurtured suggest that likelihood is low.

Admittedly, pre-panty dropping, I was already a somewhat jaded virgin. I grew up in the church, I knew the commandments regarding your body, but eventually I began to think, what’s the point of waiting for marriage to give myself to someone who will have already sown enough wild oats to harvest a small colony. It certainly wasn’t a christian outlook on the matter but more of a logical one, perhaps even borderline womanist, thinking if he’s going to do him until we meet, why shouldn’t I do the same? Would I really want him to be the only one I slept with when he wouldn’t say the same? It was short-sighted thinking contrasted with the long-term goal women who remain virgins focus on. And even as virgins become more of a commodity in our oversexed society, the idea of saving oneself as a gift prevails and I wonder just how much the past of the men these women get involved with matters when it comes down to it. From what I’ve observed, it seems not much.

An older friend of mine who’s been married for about 10 years now told me for her she wishes she’d remained a virgin until marriage not necessarily to be pure in body but more so pure in mind. She’s expressed feeling like her bed is crowded because despite loving her husband and being with him only for more than the last decade, there are memories of how someone else did something or what someone else felt like or subconscious comparisons that you simply can’t block out once you’ve shared a bed with more than one person. Her husband expressed the same and in that sense, remaining a virgin seems like more than just a gift to your partner but also a gift to yourself. That’s a sentiment that I think is missed in Lolo’s rundown of her experience. She almost seems as though she’s racing to get across the finish line to finally have sex without any regard for the fact that the men who have tried to woo her by saying, if she has sex it will help her run faster, are not men she should want to marry or sleep with anyway.

No one knows exactly who they’ll marry as they develop as a person but it seems to be that the hope that the universe or God will bring a man whom is worthy of their pure bodies is the motivation that keeps women like Lolo on the path to have a gift to give her husband one day. When you think of it that way, it’s not hard to see how a man’s sexual past isn’t much of a hindrance if the man he is standing before you as today is worthy of receiving that gift.

Do you think concerns or cynicism over a future spouse’s sexual past ever effect choices regarding virginity?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

Tags:

, , , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

← Older Comments
  • RealTalk

    Being a virgin is a person’s choice rather it deals with their religious beliefs or not. However, don’t be naive to think if you save yourself for your husband you will be together forever because that may not happen. Have realistic expectations. 

  • DeAnn

    I’m a 28-year old virgin and intend on staying that way until marriage also.  Not because I want to give a gift to my husband but because of my personal and close relationship with God.  He gave us the “tools” (don’t want to get stuck on moderation) to have sex, so no doubt he would know the best way for them to be used, would he not?  He told me to use it a certain way for a reason and I trust it.  Yes it is difficult. especially in a society that is so sexually charged; but that doesn’t change his views nor the consequences that come along with not heeding his counsel.

    Also, like was mentioned before I do not want to experience the terrible feeling of giving myself to someone and have him walk out on me or even thinking whether or not he will.  That would drive me absolutely insane.  Yes my future husband can walk out after the honeymoon so to speak..I can’t control that. But at least I’ll have the peace of mind knowing I did it God’s way and didnt compromise God or myself.  Why should I give someone the most intimate part of me if he has no intentions of staying?  Heck to the Naw!!!  And trust if he has intentions of staying and is smart, he will marry me. If not, I don’t want his behind anyway. So what divorce is at all time high!!!  Because society is going downhill, I should change also?!

    I also believe being faithful to myself and God now during this trying time will make it more easier to be faithful to my husband later.  I don’t want my mind to be crowded with thoughts of “what so and so used to do and I miss that and this”.  I want him to be the only thing I know.  I don’t want to be comparing him to all of my exes.

    Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go around pointing the finger at people who aren’t virgins.  I’m not putting myself on a pedestal.  In fact most people don’t even know that I am a virgin.  (I went to my OBGYN and she was updating my file she had to ask me 3X if I had ever been sexually active. lol..It was hilarious the look she gave me. Like “heffa stop lying”.)  Point is, I believe that God’s standards are the best and society views doesn’t change that. And He wants me happy more than I want myself to be happy.

  • Ebonydiva82

    I was a virgin up until I met my husband, who was also a virgin, so they DO exist. My decision was not only motivated by my religious views but also fear about STDs, unwanted pregnancies and/or emotional damage. I did not want to have to concern myself with such matters, which is why I waited. I think it is more honorable to save your body for someone who “deserves” it and not pass it around like a 40 oz. Having sex as a hobby was not my style. Although it was very challenging to remain a virgin, especially with raging hormones and curiosity about what it would be like, it was well worth the wait. 

  • Mrs.Adams

    I met my husband seven years ago. When we first started dating I was a virgin and he was not. I knew that before we started dating, but one day, during our engagement, I was talking to one of my husband’s friends, who was a part of my bridal party, and she let me know that my husband was not a virgin and she started to laugh. This got me thinking about who he slept with before me, so I asked him. BIG MISTAKE!! Turns out he had sex with 13 other women including this “friend” of his before we met. I was so hurt that I waited to give him my all and he was out spreading his seed, so I wondered what the point was. Although I was hurt for the moment I thought about it and the point is I learned a few things after that 1) I should not have been in his business because it was a part of the past! I knew he wasn’t a virgin so i should have left it at that 2) This woman was ignorant and did not like the fact that “a white man would marry a black girl ” (her words after we were married) 3) If you truly love each other then those other people shouldn’t matter and 4) the most important lesson i learned was that whatever you decide to do whether you are a virgin or not should be because you want to do it! Don’t do it because it will make your man happy or it will make your parents happy, but do it or don’t because you feel like it is the right thing to do for YOU. I personally am happy with the result of waiting until marriage, but to any young ladies out there conflicted with the what ifs. Make sure the decisions you make are ones that you will not regret the next morning.

    • Negress

      When she laughed that was a bitter jealous laugh. That’s another reason to wait. Women use men to reduce you when they’re in competition.

    • Gimmeabreak78

      Thank you for sharing your story.  I think your illustrates my point about valuing your virginity (which is a good thing) and hoping that your future husband values it too (which is a good thing, too) and then being disappointed in the reality that because your husband has a sexual past, it devalues the “gift” you were trying to give him in the first place, having the opposite effect you intended it to have.  I applaud you for being able to make your marriage work despite that setback, and that woman who was cruel enough to make that comment to you sounds like a grade-A hater. 

  • jason vorhees

    Ahhhh what remaining a virgin in this day and age can do for you.  No issues of having to drop out of school to care for a child(ren).  No issues of putting career on hold to take care of kids out of wedlock.  THE POTENTIAL!!!!

  • Sammilu1224

    Someone explain to me why she felt the need to broadcast this news? 

    • Gimmeabreak78

      Thank you!  It’s the same as what Kim Kardashian does (from a different perspective, obviously).  When you put your sex life (or the lack thereof) on front street, you are ensuring that that is all people talk about when they talk about you. 

  • Paradigm Shift

    As a 23 y/o virgin I am shocked at how so many people have assumed that Lola’s statement of saving herself for her husband meant that she was saying that men are more valuable than women and women must put themselves at extreme measures (i.e abstinence) to prove themselves to men in order to be married. In my mind she must be very selective in dating being that fact that she is a beautiful successful girl who is still a virgin at 29. I interpreted her statement as being more of a self-gift such as I only wanted to sleep with a man I deem worthy and not the other way around. I find abstinence more of a stance that protects women’s rights and not like all the overtly explicit sexual acts that women have to do to keep sexually active men interested. To add, I find it very hypocritical how so many women jump on the band wagon to take Exotic Dance & Kama Sutra classes or spend millions on lingerie to please or gift a man and offer sex to keep a man but frown upon the thought that a woman would gift herself to a man… When the last time you heard a man signing up for pole dancing classes or buying lingerie to please his woman? IMO its because of these poor reasoning that this whole virginity as a gift idea originated and not so much from biblical interpretations because the bible states for all to remain virgins not just women but feminism only focuses on women…. it’s our whole society says sex sells but actually women sexuality sells and overtly sexual women help promote it along with perverted men… so go figure

    • really???

      THISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • heartmindsoul

      **clapping** Standing ovation for ya!!!!!!

  • LAME

    Well good luck to that. I don’t know any men that want to marry virgins.  Not knowing what you’re doing…. at all…  I also don’t know any men that want to marry whores either. There is a happy medium. I cuss, drink, lie, all those sins, so fornicating is but another to add to the list.  The lord will forgive #amen. The only men I could see going along with that are very religious men…pushing the religious zealot envelope.  I know plenty of successful, educated, respectful, men that do and will, make great mates but would not go for that “virgin until marriage” rule.  Saving yourself for marriage is a personal choice and very commendable but it does seem to narrow your pool of dating choices to just one kind of man. Thats my opinion please don’t beat me to death with the bible or assume I’m a hoe.  People tend to go from one extreme to another without thinking of all those in the middle when it comes to this kinda topic.

    • really???

      thankfully the men you know are not the only men in the world.

      but out of curiosity, should we also “sin” because you are doing it too? i mean the Lord will forgive , right?

      • LAME

        You should do whatever you want. Like I said its a personal choice. And your comment about the men I know reaks of judgment without knowing how great they are as people. Isn’t that a sin? Anywho all I’m saying is its a personal choice that seems to limit dating options. Maybe the limited options only bothers me because I have no interest in dating the kind of men a virgin is looking for? I’m not sure. But virginity does’t equal better morals theres a lot of “virgins” suckin peen and a lot of flat out b*tches that are virgins like Ms. Lolo Jones. Oh yeah Jones has a reputation for being a really nasty woman in the track world. *shrugs*

        • really???

          you chose your name well.

  • greenwithenvy

    I wholeheartedly agree with someone who decides to wait until marriage to give away their virginity. But if you date someone according to your standards, they treat you with the utmost respect, and you see a future with you and that person why wait? How could you really say that you wont be with that person for life; then wouldn’t you be giving it only your husband? There are thousands of people who are still with their high school or college sweethearts, married with kids and that is the only person they’ve been with. I think its important to be careful and picky with who you date. You have to make sure you and that person are on the same levels before you establish a relationship. I made my boyfriend wait 12 months before we had sex and we are still together to this day. In those 12 months we really got to know one another. There’s no need to rush into having sex once you are in a relationship. Be careful.You cant just go around making soul ties with random people and expect not to think of previous sex partners when that relationship fizzles. 

  • Truth

    I guess you forgot the fact all men are not whores. Sounds like you’re making an excuse to be loose soley based on your flawed logic. Statistically speaking, most people thats been around the block can’t hold a stable relationship and with the # of STD’s, and Baby mommas, floating around these days it would certainly benefit society to upgrade on standards when it comes to sex. Lastly, did it ever occur to you that a man can’t be a man whore if the woman doesn’t give it up? Woman will always hold more value simply because they carry the child in their womb for 9 months before giving birth.

    • Gimmeabreak78

      What I find interesting is that you are equating “not a virgin” with “loose”.  Just because a woman is not a virgin doesn’t make her the “good time girl”, if you catch my drift.  Secondlly when you throw around a phrase as authoritative as “statistically speaking”, you may have more credibility if you were to follow it up with an actual statistic and then cite the source.  Instead, you rely on the nebulous, vague “most people” standby that people rely on when they think they are talking to someone they don’t think knows any better.  Thirdly, I’m going to say it again–there is nothing wrong with virginity (male or female).  I am just suspiscious of it being used as currency.  Fourthly, the reason I brought up the “man-whore” comment was because Lolo has one sexual standard for herself, but a different standard for the men she dates.

← Older Comments
Get the MadameNoire
Newsletter The best stories sent right to your inbox!
close [x]