Real and Relaxed? My Journey In Relapsing Back to the Creamy Crack

May 16th, 2012 - By Kendra Koger

Me with my natural hair

 

Ever since I was in 3rd grade my mother had been giving me relaxers.  I was born with a large amount of hair, and for my mother, relaxing it was the easiest thing for her to do for me and my three other sisters.  I never thought about natural hair until Cycle 5 of America’s Next Top Model, when I was introduced to Bre Scullark.  Oh my goodness, her glorious curls were so bouncy and voluptuous that I began to think that if I went natural, my hair would look exactly like that.

So, in May of 2008, I gave myself the big chop.  Cutting off a total of 16 inches off my head I boldly walked around my college campus with a heightened awareness of my scalp.  But, I persevered through the awkward looks, the need to overcompensate by wearing more makeup and jewelry,and admitting to myself that for years I found a security of having… hair my entire life.  Honestly, there wasn’t a lot of support for girls who were going natural where I was.  All of the salons that I went to for help only wanted to straighten my hair, and it seemed like people were comfortable with a girl with long curly hair, or short straight hair.  But having short, curly hair (that didn’t turn out to be the texture that I hoped for) was sometimes looked down upon by people in grocery stores, on the street, or in restaurants.

Having natural hair is hard work, and I thought I would have a texture of “wash and go” like my friend Janea, but I didn’t.  I bought multiple products to help me manage, and ended up returning some, throwing away many, and just rolling my eyes at the mention of others.  After a year and five months, I had the length that I had in the first picture.  I was natural and LOVED it!  I would preach the glories of not being ashamed of “whatever texture of your hair that grows out of your head, but embrace it!”  I didn’t mind spending the $32 a jar for my Miss Jessie’s Baby Buttercreme, and doing a twist out became a welcomed chore.

However, when I got pregnant I developed a type of lethargic-ness that Sleeping Beauty would have envied.  I got my morning sickness from 2 to 5 in the morning, and during the days I worked as a book editor.  My husband and I shared a car (and he didn’t have a license), so sometimes I would have to drive him to work and to help his family complete errands.  I was always mentally and physically exhausted.  The last thing that was on my mind was my hair.  I spent most of my second trimester in summer, so I was always hot and my thick hair actually began to anger me.  It was just so thick and… everywhere;  and no matter where I went, some stranger was always trying to stick their hands in my head (or rub my stomach.  Please strangers, if you don’t personally know a woman who’s pregnant, and have natural hair, at LEAST ask for her permission before you start invading her bubble with all the touching).    All I wanted to do was to shave my head so I wouldn’t be so hot and uncomfortable.

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  • Paula White

    Totally feeling DEH on this…and I’m not biracial!  I’ve had long, thick, kinky natural hair all of my life, except for 5 of my teenaged years – 14 to 19 – after that I did a big chop and 2 decades later, I haven’t looked back.  The upside of natural hair websites, blogs, youtube channels etc. is that they provide guidance for newly-natural sistas.  The severe DOWNSIDE of natural hair websites, blogs, youtube channels etc. is that they exaggerate and complicate the maintenance routines of natural hair, and perhaps more importantly, they promote consumerism by suggesting that people need to buy an endless supply of overpriced hair products that natural hair supposedly cannot survive without.  If you feel that ‘mixed hair’ is easier to manage, you’re wrong…it’s that your standard of beauty is such that you are trying to make your hair as close to ‘mixed-looking’ as possible, rather than embracing the look that your own more tightly-curled ‘wash and go’ hair will produce.  Technically, as long as your hair is clean, it’s wash and go…it’s just that you find it unthinkable to present your beautiful natural self to the world.  My hair routine is simple, time-saving and it works.  It takes me 30 minutes to do my hair once a week, and about 7-10 minutes each day to groom it…and it looks fabulous, at least if my daily compliments from strangers are to be believed.  I wash weekly with a $10 shampoo, use a $8 leave-in conditioner, and then using a $10 tub of unrefined shea butter, I braid or twist it in large chunks in the shower while the water is running – to make it super-easy to detangle.  The next day, I take down the twists or braids, and manipulate them a bit with my fingers to my liking.  Sometimes, I blow dry the twists/braids for a few minutes to loosen the curl pattern or get more length.  Boom.  Done.  No expensive products, no 4-hour styling ordeal, and no chemical toxins in my bloodstream.  #winning!    I am the CEO of an educational organization, so I have to look professional and polished all the time, and I do.  The best part is that on the weekend, when it’s time to play, I can make my hair look as funky, playful and cool as I like.  Embrace your hair and your own beauty, and it will love you back!  

  • Pleleith White

    Totally feeling DEH on this…and I’m not biracial!  I’ve had natural hair all of my life, except for 5 of my teenaged years – 14 to 19 – after that I did a big chop and 2 decades later, I haven’t looked back.  The upside of natural hair websites, blogs, youtube channels etc. is that they provide guidance for newly-natural sistas.  The severe DOWNSIDE of natural hair websites, blogs, youtube channels etc. is that they exaggerate and complicate the maintenance routines of natural hair, and perhaps more importantly, they promote consumerism by suggesting that people need to buy an endless supply of overpriced hair products that natural hair supposedly cannot survive without.  If you feel that ‘mixed hair’ is easier to manage, you’re wrong…it’s that your standard of beauty is such that you are trying to make your hair as close to ‘mixed-looking’ as possible, rather than embracing the look that your own more tightly-curled ‘wash and go’ hair will produce.  Technically, as long as your hair is clean, it’s wash and go…it’s just that you find it unthinkable to present your beautiful natural self to the world.  My hair routine is simple, time-saving and it works.  It takes me 30 minutes to do my hair once a week, and about 7-10 minutes each day to groom it…and it looks fabulous, at least if my daily compliments from strangers are to be believed.  I wash weekly with a $10 shampoo, use a $8 leave-in conditioner, and then using a $10 tub of unrefined shea butter, I braid or twist it in large chunks in the shower while the water is running – to make it super-easy to detangle.  The next day, I take down the twists or braids, and manipulate them a bit with my fingers to my liking.  Sometimes, I blow dry the twists/braids for a few minutes to loosen the curl pattern or get more length.  Boom.  Done.  No expensive products, no 4-hour styling ordeal, and no chemical toxins in my bloodstream.  #winning!    I am the CEO of an educational organization, so I have to look professional and polished all the time, and I do.  The best part is that on the weekend, when it’s time to play, I can make my hair look as funky, playful and cool as I like.  Embrace your hair and your own beauty, and it will love you back!  

    • Ndwordsmith

      Exactly…its not that hard at all.  My hair is super kinky.  I don’t fight it trying to make it straight or curly or wavy.  I just make sure it is clean and moisturized at all times.  I don’t even like products…use them every bluest moon. 
      Even without them my twist-outs and braid-outs are still really cute. I use grocery store castor oil $1.29 a bottle, grapeseed oil, olive oil, coconut oil and a good conditioner each under $4 bucks a piece.  Those last for months.  Mix those oils with the conditioner and let it sit for a deeper conditioner…add an egg… or plain yogurt to the mix.Castor oil makes your hair grow like crazy and tames frizz and flyaways all by itself.even my kinky hair will wash and go with a nice grapeseed and conditioner leave-in.get a tiny spray bottle with water, conditioner, and your fav oil mixed in and put it in your purse. Your hair should never be dry…in life.Who cares about perfect measurements and stuff like they say on line, just throw some water, and crap together, shake it up, spray a nice mist over your head every time you feelin’ a lil dry…your hair will love you.  Its not like the relaxer life…water is no longer your enemy sistas…good ole water is now your best friend.And never put oil on without something else creamy (a lil conditioner or something) and moisturizing on the hair first.  Oil locks in moisture…and locks it out.I know its a lotbut weaving, perming, blowdrying, curling, and all that damage?Me personally…and this is just me but…I would prefer not.

      To the sistas of today
      Its ok to give up
      if you just can’t do it.

      To the next generation
      Don’t wait so long to know yourself
      that finding the beauty in your truth 
      becomes such a tangled burden.

    • Naturally T

       You put into words EXACTLY what I was thinking. Being natural does not mean you have to spend loads of money and spend loads of time styling your hair. There is a mental transition that has to happen in going natural. You can not look at or treat natural hair the same as you do relaxed hair. I think there are natural women who try to make their hair behave in a way its not meant to. I went through this at first when I went natural but after a while I had to learn to let my hair do what it do. I am much happier once I learned to truly accept my hair as it is.

  • Supersweet28

    I just started the natural process. Well actually, I dyed my hair, it ended up falling out, and I decided to just go natural for at least the next five years. I have a small fro and I still am not comfortable wearing it out. So I have been doing braids. As soon as I grew enough hair to grip I went from the wigs to braids.

  • immaguest

    I was natural for 15 years up until last year. I got tired of the maintenance. I love my relaxed hair now, same as when I went natural 15 years ago I loved my hair then. It seems like there are more resources out there now than when I was natural. I kind of miss my natural hair. I’m definately going to go back to natural sometime in the future.

  • VirginHairedNatural

    Relaxing your hair is the beauty equivalent to smoking cigarettes to me. It isn’t healthy or natural, but it’s a lifestyle choice. To each her own. It cracks me up though when people say they NEED relaxer as if we popped out the womb with a perm kit.

  • Jerseryvixen

    IF YOU GO NATURAL with the expectations to have “defined” curls, to still fit in the “acceptable” natural look like “Tracy Ellis Ross” from girlfriends, YOU ARE NOT READY to be “NATURAL”. My hair is nappy, and I mean nappy. I don’t buy into the whole “grade, 4c, blah blah”.. I don’t buy product to “define” curls I CLEARLY DO NOT HAVE. I went natural, I rocked fros, twists, twistouts, and no my hair didn’t have to be “perfect” all the time , it was wild, free, organic and beautiful just like God intended. I notice people who have a hard time dealing with their thick hair is that they try to treat it like it’s straight hair, if it’s THICK guess what only comb it when you wash it with conditionner, other times just fluff and style, you con’t have to DETANGLE thick hair everyday, it’s nappy, it’s not straight so why aggravate yourself. You can rock twists for 1 week and twist out the 2nd week, then you wash and restart the cycle again and yes, my “kitchen” in the back is exactly how God meant for me to look so i dont shave it or brush it to oblivion…Going natural is deeper than you thought, it’s really saying I will work with MY TEXTURE not against it. period. Now I have locs so I worry even less about daily care. 

    • TeamMe

      Co-sign!!! I  have locs as well, which I think is the next step when you find your natural hair is getting crazy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1564967486 Francena McGirt

      So true.

    • Joyanne R.

      i considered getting locks to when i was tired doing my natural, but the loctician actually convinced me not to, she just couldn’t believe how beautiful my loose natural hair was, even though I don’t mind saving money and doing my hair, we need more natural beauticians!!!

    • Ndwordsmith

      Jerseyvixen I think this needs to be a billboard.  
      You said all I was building up inside.

      My hair is free!  

      It don’t want to look like Farrah Fawcett.  

      It wants to look like Foxy Brown!  

      My hair can be wild but who am I to enslave it.  Burn it like a cross in the yard screaming “I Hate Blackness!”  Who am I to hate its ROOTS so much that I stress out and have to chemically relax myself every time the sista in me rears her “ugly head.”

      Bump that!

      and not with a straightening comb

      Let me be me, wonderfully and beautifully made, the way god intended :>)

      Natural Sistas…lets try harder not to come off as Nazis
      But never give up on telling our beautiful youngens to just say no
      to the creamy crack.
      It is about their self-esteem, their spiritual connection to the one who made them perfectly, and most definately it is about their well being.  

      Crack ain’t never been healthy for nobody.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=38903856 Karima Pope-Robinson

    I went natural in 2006 and lasted almost 2 years but I didn’t know what to use on my hair, my hair was at that funny length, and I was broke. Now they make more products tailored towards my hair type.  So I’m hoping to stay natural for a while. 

  • Ange248

    Relaxed or natural, black hair is a lot of work! I think people should have the hair they prefer and are comfortable with!

  • FromUR2UB

    We’re pretty obsessed with this topic, hunh?  There must be two articles every week about natural or relaxed hair.  What more is there to say?

  • Heavy Flow

    i don’t have natural hair, it looks natural but its not. i use s curl and texturizers and have been since i cut my relaxer out in 2002. i just started putting weave in my hair to let my hair grow out so i wouldn’t keep cutting it and so far i like the weave. i don’t think i could ever really go to a true relaxer and have straight hair because it doesn’t feel right to me on my head. the “natural hair” or texturized hair is easier for me to maintain because if it rains it doesnt matter but having weave is a nice change

  • Heather

    I understand her plight. It can be daunting for a person who doesn’t have or no longer has the patience. I on the other hand have been transitioning so long that I refuse to any more chemical in my hair. My 3c/4a hair has grown faster in the last year transitioning to natural that it ever did with relaxing. I come from a family of women with natural hair down to their cracks and my mother and I were the only ones relaxing, and our hair wasn’t as long or thick. I have been heat/chemical free for months and I now surpass the 1/2 inch a month average growth. It was trial and error finding out what products worked for me, but when I did, it got easier. I really takes patience, and honestly most ppl don’t have the patience to maintain the head of hair God gave them. I built and cultivated that patience. Now my hair is longer than all my relaxed friends and the how is your hair so long ?s won’t stop coming. When I big chop in a few months, my natural hair will be shoulder length stretched and that is a beautiful thing. Just like my hair, I don’t conform to Western ideals of beauty and I refuse to condition myself to make everything in my life easy. What you love the most, you will work the hardest for. NATURAL SISTERS STAND UP

    • Jsajsa28

       I could not have said it better myself, sometimes black women always make up excuses as to why they don’t wear their hair natural. How about trying it first before you speak on it.

  • ok_dayumm

    I’ve been natural for about seven years, and while I will NEVER go back to relaxers I did recently decide to cut all my hair off and go back to wearing a TWA (teenie weenie afro for those who don’t know). I totally understand where the woman in the article is coming from. Spending 2 plus hours doing twists and twist-outs really becomes tiresome after a while; and I couldn’t imagine doing it while pregnant. Also I love to have freshly washed hair everyday, so with all the hair that I had (mid-back length) it just wasn’t working for me anymore. I love my natural hair though–and even more so now since all I have to do is wash, condition, and add a little styling product and I’m good to go. I say to each his own, but it just makes me cringe to see Black women with unnatural looking wigs and weaves on their heads….some people do wear it well but others……..And with the creamy crack, you’ll be good for a minute but will eventually have to go back to rehab.

  • Papillon

    I guess I’m the only one who finds it sad that the author’s mother was giving her relaxers since third grade? That’s only 9 or ten years old, way too young (imo) to be putting dangerous chemicals on a child’s head. Can you imagine a white woman saying she’d been dying her hair blonde since she was 9? Can you hear how crazy that sounds? Well, it is no different and I don’t know why this is acceptable in our community. If you’re a grown woman, slap on all the chemicals if you want, but children don’t have a choice.

    • http://twitter.com/BOTYboutique BotyBoutique

      With the recent discovery of perms and its link to cancer it is no wonder this disease is killing us twice as fast as woman of other races!

    • Rondachambers

      I had to give my daughter one in first grade. Her hair got so thick until it was unable to be combed and it was breaking off! It was just that thick! What choice do people like us have. Do we send our children to school looking crazy? We got to do what we got to do.

      • Keesha2thick

        No. You only comb it wet. You sit her under the dryer to dry. You give her braids…w/ little beads on the ends that get on everyone’s nerves. Or wooden beads so damn big she can’t sleep! BUT YOU DONT put a perm in the child’s head. Like, my mom did that to me and she regrets it to this day…once I showed her how EASY it really is!

        • Mls2698

          Lol about the beads. They do get on my nerves when in excess on a small child. But better than a relaxer.

      • Papillon

        Like Keesha said, you comb it when it’s wet. Start from the ends and work your way up to the scalp. Personally I don’t comb mine at all. Combing is for straight hair that needs to fall perfectly in place. I do a good detangling with my fingers when my hair is wet and use loads of conditioner. Cheaper brands will do since all I’m using it for is to detangle.

        I don’t understand the reasoning that her uncombed hair was more damaging than applying a caustic chemical. Maybe you’ve had processed hair all your life and you didn’t know how to deal with her texture, so you processed it because it was what you knew and were comfortable with. 

  • Turia_lennon

    Mixed hair is easier to deal with so this issue is not really yours. Not offense just sayin. She is talkin about kinky hard to comb hair.

  • november rain

    I’ve been natural since 2008.  I started with locs and in March of this year I did the big chop or the bald chop as I call it.  I completely shaved my head.  I’m still experimenting with finding products that help me maintain my hair.  I love being natural though and I’ve found that it’s just as difficult take care of my hair in its natural state as it was when i was relaxed.  The thing that makes me want to stay natural is that I know that I would be more willing to put the time into learning to care for my hair natural than I ever did when it was relaxed.  Plus, since I am not a licensed hair professional, I would be too scared to relax my hair myself, therefore, I would always be dependent on another individual to relax it for me and I would rather learn my hair as God gave it to me, than to have to go get a touch up every month or however often it should be done.  BUT, I’ve seen some women with gorgeous relaxed hair and I ain’t mad at that.  

  • Divinediva23

    I have been natural for 3 years now. In the beginning, I kept a perm in the back of my closet, “just in case”. My hair is really curly and as it grows, I see the different textures. Unless you’re rockin an amber rose, all hair and hair maintenance is work. It just depends on what you want to do with it. I have wash-n-go hair so I am fortunate in that respect. I think that you just do what’s right and works for you. Thats really all anyone can do!

  • http://twitter.com/AmbitiousBlack1 Ambitious Black

    Follow CURVYNOIRE on TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM for the BEST VINTAGE PLUS SIZE LOOKBOOK!!!!!

  • HarlemLoveBirds

    Great post and I could totally relate because of the combo with being pregnant/having a newborn. I went through the exact same thing. When I try going natural again it will be when I am an empty nester or at least when my kids can do their own hair. 

  • http://twitter.com/AmbitiousBlack1 Ambitious Black

    Beautiful hair can come in all textures! On another note…If you love VINTAGE fashion and are PLUS SIZE. Follow CURVYNOIRE on TWITTER and INSTAGRAM!!!!

  • Kiahosea

    To my relaxed sista please be advised that relaxing breaks down the chemical bond that strengthens the hair (protein) which causes it to be weak, us relaxed sistas require more protein treatment than our natural sistas who can get away with not needing them as frequently. There are many great protein products to help (aphogee line, Organic root stimulator) but remember to always follow up with a all moisture conditioner after using a protein tx…and please please be advised that MANY of the products that are made for us sistas are full of harmful ingredients ( mineral oil, petroleum, sulfates,paraben) or hidden proteins.. there are plenty of wonderful websites around for example (keepitsimplesista.ning) this sista has RELAXED hair to her waist, after receiving so much help from her and other members I went from not being able to get past should length to past bra strap length in one year…So please believe anything is possible when you use the resources we have by researching and NEVER believe that black hair cant grow!!! BLESSING TO YOU ALL!!

    • A- Non

      I love this comment.