This Might Hurt a Bit: 7 Harsh Truths About Finding The ONE

May 3, 2012  |  
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The problem with heartbreak is that, you have to feel the pain. There is no painkiller of heartbreak that doesn’t come with serious side effects. Alcohol, random sex or jumping into a new relationship all—as you’ve probably experienced—just leave you hurting ten times as much as you did before. Because of this inevitable pain, many women crawl into a hole after a heartbreak, and never go back out to find someone new. Here’s a little bit about that mentality, and why it just doesn’t work.

“I don’t want to get serious again until I want to get married”

That’s the only way to guarantee there will be no heartbreak, right? That’s why so many women say this. But, there are a number of reasons why this just doesn’t work out. There are plenty of people who’ve been separated or divorced, that will tell you, you can get hurt, and probably even more so, once you’re in a marriage.


Don’t get stuck holding on

Some women stick to the not dating until marriage plan. They stick to it so much that, for fear of reliving their last heartbreak, they do anything to make things work with the next guy. Being in a bad relationship seems better than a breakup. Essentially, they end up settling.

You need to know what’s bad, to know what’s good

If you look back at yourself as a teen, or in college, there are certainly things you so wish you could tell your young self. Essentially, you have proof from your past that there are things to learn, and you don’t even know what they are yet. If you’ve only been with a few people, there are types of relationships out there that you don’t even know exist. You could be so much happier, but you need to go out there and risk being unhappy to discover that.

You might heal, in retrospect

Meeting progressively better guys can actually make any pain you were holding onto over past guys disappear. As you realize there are far better quality relationships out there, you’ll suddenly wonder why you shed one tear over those boys you dated in college or your early twenties. Essentially, you might put yourself at risk of forming new wounds by dating, but you will most definitely heal old ones.

You’ll crave fun

There is one thing that is much more powerful than fear of heartbreak—a craving for attention, for sex, for fun. Sorry but, you won’t be able to hole up for long. It’s simply not human nature. One morning, you’ll wake up from your heartbreak and realize, “Good God I need to go out!” and you’ll get dressed, go to a bar, flirt with men and submit yourself to the fact that you might get hurt.

Everyone gets attached

Even if you try purposely to date someone you won’t “fall for,” you’ll fall for him anyways. We’re human. Not robots. Not even just animals. If you spend enough time with someone, you’ll become attached. So, even that guy you thought had no power over you that you’ve just kept around to keep your bed warm—he’ll develop the power to hurt you.

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  • justme

    I am working on this now. I just got out of a nasty relationship, with the person who i thought was the one, well as y’all see that didnt happen. I really let my heart go in this relationship and can say i was truly in love only to be hurt three times by the same person. It hurts like hell even now, and I do think about him from time to time, and yes i focus on the hurt, but i am teachin myself to let that pain go, forgive myself so i can forgive him, and progress within myself. I am open to a new relationship however i am tryin to make sure that i dont carry any past baggage or hurt over to the next guy. it would be unfair on my part…and i have to learn to take down my wall again brick by brick…im just a work in progress right now!

  • DeLeon629

    Damn good article. Reminds me of the book titled, “Things You Should Know About Your Husband (there’s a version for wives, too) Before Marriage.” The book contains about +/-375 BLANK pages! People gotta learn to appreciate their past & that of their partners, b/c they wouldn’t be the person you’re in love w/ today w/o those experiences.

  • “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these
    things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

  • Waston

     I don’t understand why would a woman want to hold onto pain? Does she not understand that holding on stumps growth? Everyone in the world has been hurt before in their life; that’s just life but it is up to us as a person to pay attention to what happened, learn from it, move on, heal ourselves and not repeat that sad experience again. I know the healing process is not easy but stepping away from the pain lifts the weight you have been carrying off you shoulders.

    • Ccourtney3966

      I can say that you are speaking the truth! Sometimes we do it to ourself, a man can only do what you allow him to do. A lot of woman such as myself see the signs and feel in there gut that the relationship is not going to work. How many times has God try to warn us of the person we are sleeping next to? I can say so many times he has warned me, but I thought the more I did for him that he would change.  I wont say im going to stop dating bc that will be a lie, but I learn from my past relationship and i will not do anything for a man that he can do himself.  I pray I can meet a man who is just as giving as I am…I been married twice, It will be awhile before I ever get married agian…or maybe I decide not to go there anymore.

      • Realstateofmind

        Don’t get me shouting!!! Preach! 

    • JusSayin

       I personally do not feel that women want to hold onto the pain vs. not knowing how to let it go. Sometimes women tend to hold out for that “what-if” or happily ever after fairy tale that we have grown up to believe in and that creates this hole that we are desperately waiting for that one person to fill. Sadly; if they don’t fill it we leave this huge void for the next man to cover. It is a learning process and no matter how many times someone tells you to let go most still can’t. Regardless of how many articles are written, books you read or the “I told you so” statements… reality is some people are more hard-headed then others and some keep dating the same person over and over again and never learn. Its unfortunate but not everyone is destined for the same fairy tale ending.