The Importance of Telling Your Children You Love Them

April 20, 2012  |  

“Couples Therapy” has become my new addiction. I can honestly say I had absolutely no intention of watching it until I saw the interview we conducted with Tashera Simmons. Listening to her speak, you could tell that she was sincere. She wasn’t going on the show to get chose, to launch her singing career or to throw drinks on her cast mates. She was going on the show to work on her relationship with her husband and friend, Earl, aka DMX.

So I watched, just to see how they would interact with one another. Eventually I grew to like the other housemates too; but for me, it was all about DMX and Tashera. And like many of you all, I was saddened and even disgusted by the way he spoke to her in the first episode. Disgusted because it was completely disrespectful and dismissive but also saddened because I just got the sense that he wasn’t a horrible person. That he just had some major issues he needed to address. As more and more episodes air, you can see that DMX really loves Tashera. It’s just that the way he knows how to love her is not nearly enough. Surely, a few of us have come across a man who loved us but was dealing with issues that blocked him from showing or expressing it in a way that was consistent or acceptable.

Well, we’re finally seeing what DMX’ block is. It’s his mother.

I know that sounds like Freud 101, but in this instance, she is a huge reason why DMX wants to “fawk as many women as he can until his d*%k falls off.” It’s no coincidence that he seeks inappropriate affection from women when his own mother denied the healthy kind she should have given him as a child.

I haven’t seen the entire episode yet but a 3:00 minute clip turned out to be very revealing.

It’s almost too hard to watch. Not only because those are real emotions for DMX but also because those emotions are real for people in our lives too. In my own extended family, the words “I love you,” get caught up in people’s throats. My mother told me that when she was growing up, her parents, my grandparents, never told she or her siblings that they loved them. Now, she could feel that they did; but as human beings that’s not enough, we need to hear those words. So when she grew up, she started telling my grandmother and grandfather that she loved them when they got off the phone with one another. Initially, she said both my grandparents had a hard time with the words. Sometimes you can feel something so strongly that it physically pains you to express it. But thankfully, they got over it and started saying “I love you too.” And it got easier and easier. Eventually they were able to say it first, to all their children. By the time I came along, my grandparents were always telling my sister and I they loved us. I didn’t know until I got older that it took them years, decades to get to that place. I just reaped the benefits of my mother’s initiative.

So I included this video and I’m writing this piece as a gentle reminder to all of us that our actions, while important, aren’t always enough. We need the words too. Because being able to say you love someone is an action in and of itself. If you have people in your family who’ve never told you they love you, it might not be a bad idea for you to say it first. Chances are, they’ll say it back. And if they don’t, you’ve been honest about your feelings. If you have children and the words burn in your throat, I pray to God you find a way to let them out because DMX has told us and shown us that no matter how old we are and how tough we think we are, we all need to be somebody’s baby and we all need to hear these three words.

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  • dana

    i thought they were divorced………..

  • This was actually one of the saddest things I have ever seen. I have always been a DMX fan, even through all his mishaps. Because I could see the hurt he was feeling. It’s just painful to know the reasons why HE IS SO BOTTLED UP!! I love him more now than ever. I can’t believe a mother would beat her child while they sleep. ESPECIALLY MORE THAN ONCE! I cried with him, and it’s still on my mind now. I LOVE YOU D, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU, Tashera, And your children.

  • Nonono

    Truthfully, I was in my 20s before I ever heard of someone who had this issue.  I assumed all mothers said those 3 words.  So Sad

  • fitnessforlife

    IMO, if your parents never tell you they love you, then you know they don’t. However, if they tell you they love you, and continue to abuse and mistreat you, IMO, this has a more negative impact. 

  • Fiona

    single parents or men and women raised in single parent homes.

  • FromUR2UB

    I happened to catch the show a few weeks ago while flipping through the channels.  Although he and she were consistently referring to each other as their best friend, he wasn’t friendly toward her.  He refused to participate in some of the activities, raised his voice every time he wanted to get a point across.  I think he even told her that he never wanted to be married.   It seemed that he was trying to say or do the thing that would make her walk away, but she wouldn’t.  She wouldn’t even argue back.  Clearly, she loves him, but since they revealed that they had been in each other’s lives since childhood, I wondered how much of that was from having been beaten down for so long, that there was no fight left in her.

    Probably most people wish to be loved by someone unconditionally.  But love can exist without respect.  DMX’s wife is either a very strong woman or weak one to have endured him all those years.   I got the feeling that what he needs to be able to fully love her, is for her to stop letting him dump on her.

  • Kaay

    Sweet article Wells, but please watch the full episode and consider writing a more well-rounded article on Dmx’s issues with his mother. His struggles go well beyond a lack of ” I love yous.” He was severely abused and neglected. His story is one many may relate to, especially single parents or men and women raised in single parent homes.

    • vwells1

      I knew someone was going to say that. And I agree with you; even watching the other clips, it’s clear that DMX’ mother was an unfit parent all the way around. Most people don’t come from situations as painful as his; but there are plenty of people whose parents didn’t tell them they loved them, whether they showed it or not. I chose to focus on that aspect of his story,  so more people could relate to it. 

  • DoinMe

    My hat goes of to Tashera. I once dated a man with Mommy issues and it was more than I could bare. They are very cold and difficult to deal with on an emotional level because they don’t know what love is, don’t know how to give it, or receive it.