Is 3 Months Too Long to Wait for Sex? The 90 Day Rule from a Man’s Point of View

April 19th, 2012 - By madamenoire

By Courtney Edwards

As a Black man, embarking on the relatively difficult task of finding a soulmate, I am consistently asking myself this one question: How soon, after meeting someone, should I become sexually involved with her? Three months? Six months? After just a few dates? There is really no easy answer to this question.

The general consensus seems to be that one should see how things are going with that person before they decide when – or whether – they should become sexually involved. Do you feel a connection with the person? Is there strong chemistry between the two of you? Are you becoming acquainted with the person relatively quickly? These are all determining factors. But, shouldn’t we be looking for these factors regardless? If the goal is to truly find a soulmate, then what’s the rush? Right?

As I reflect on my past dating experiences, I can say with relative certainty that I wasn’t always looking for these factors in the utmost earnestness. At some point, the lines had become distorted and I wasn’t sure if I was getting to know a woman because I genuinely liked her and wanted to get to know her or because I wanted to find myself encapsulated within her nether region.

And after the deed was done, my ability to discern whether I really liked her because I felt this strong personal connection and affinity, was greatly compromised. Was I just looking through the scope of rose-colored lenses? Were my feelings the result of some sort of self-fulfilling prophesy? A ploy orchestrated by the most primitive and compulsive part of my consciousness – the Id as characterized by Sigmund Freud – to satisfy the most innate desires for sexual gratification, convincing my mind that the woman I saw before me had all of the characteristics that I was looking for?

This is why I had to institute some sort of policy for myself dictating how soon after meeting a member of the opposite sex that I would consider becoming sexually involved with them. I just had to make sure that I was sexually involved with the person because I liked them and not simply liking the person because I was sexually involved. Again, if the goal is finding a person to be with for the unforeseeable future, then what’s the hurry? Right?

Studies show that the longer couples wait until having sex the more positive the outcome of their relationships. Couples that waited longer experienced better quality of communication, greater relationship stability and satisfaction, and an increase in the overall quality of sex, according to researchers at Brigham Young University. Alternately, couples that had sex prior to a month experienced the most negative relationship outcomes.

Furthermore, waiting to become sexually involved with someone may not only contribute to a longer, more fulfilling relationship, but it could potentially keep you healthier in the end. Sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, are a real risk. In the United States, the estimated lifetime risk of contracting HIV is 1 in 16 for Black males and 1 in 30 for Black females. Compare that to the 1 in 104 risk for White males and the 1 in 588 risk for White females. Unfortunately, the risks within the Black community are substantially higher.

Ultimately, I have decided to implement a three-month abstinence policy – famously or infamously known as “the 90-day rule.” I will not become sexually involved with a member of the opposite sex until after at least three months of dating. This means going on multiple dates, communicating on the phone and by text message fairly consistently, and spending time at each other’s homes without any sexual activity being initiated.

I just feel as if three months is enough time for two individuals to learn about one another and make an informed decision as to whether becoming intimate would be the best for both individuals. Now, I’m not saying that a relationship will fail miserably if a couple has sex after the first date or within the first month of dating because there are many examples that say contrary. What I am saying is that it wouldn’t hurt to wait, though? If the person truly likes you, they will be willing to wait.

I have decided to wait at least three months before engaging in sexual activity with someone whom I’m interested. You have to determine what’s right for you. Where do you draw the line? What kind of relationship do you want to have?

Remember, it’s your body, your choice.

Courtney Edwards writes about love, relationships, and his many adventures while dating in New York City. Check out his blog The Court of New York or follow him on Twitter @TheCourtSpeaks.


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  • LDR

    How does this 90 day rule apply when you’ve only had 1 date, and are talking long distance? 

  • Mls2698

    90 day rules are just disclaimers put in place to rule out being a wh*re. Fail!

  • Adrina

    First  of all, waiting 3 months has nothing to do with getting an STI….wearing protection will prevent that. You can wait a year or a day, and still get and STI if you don’t use protection. Second, I think it’s up to the couple. I really don’t think using case studies are relevant when it comes to a romantic relationship between two people who have little or none of the same relationship characteristics as the people in the study. It all depends on the couple.

    • Julia

      Wearing protection doesn’t prevent genital warts OR herpes, and if the condom is compromised you can get any std’s he has AND/or pregnant.  The only thing 100% effective is abstinance, anything else before marriage can be damaging to the body and IS damaging to the soul, no matter how much people want to deny it.

      • Tazeypooh

        Married people cheat all the time. You can still get an STD.

  • RahTruth

    Christians should wait until your wedding night- EVEN BETTER. :)

  • Advocatedevil999

    time doesn’t matter its feeling that count and of course its takes 2 to have sex or more(otherwise I will call it mastubating) so all of the party need to have feelings for it!  By waiting 3 months the person is not going to love you more …but if thats all you do well at one point it will only be a sexventure but if you mix it with activities of all kind you have better chance of a love will grow and know each other better!

  • Kat

    navigating this question is always tricky. when to sleep with someone versus, not sleeping with someone. placing one’s self on a timeline for when you will be physical can also create unnecessary pressure. personally, my strategy is to listen to my instincts and make my decisions based off of well thought-out  intelligent contemplation. i prefer to wait longer than not when initiating a physical relationship, as i feel that both parties need to make informed decisions about their sexual health. having sex is a commitment, a serious one at that, so i am all for waiting versus hastily rushing into things. this is my personal strategy, but i know that sometimes other strategies can work just as well for  other people. 

  • Smacks_hoes

    I’m attempting to wait until marriage…sighs/ lord give me strength

    • Mls2698

      Smack something else in the meantime.

  • Pivyque

    3 months? Really? What happened to “until you’re married”? ….or at least engaged? 3 months is not even long enough to let you know if the person is being real with you or not…but whatever floats your boat.

    • Miss Anonymous

      And sometimes even 3 months isnt enough time to tell if someone really wants you. I waited a year and a half and I still got played. So basically it doesnt matter if you wait 2 days, 2 months 2 years or whatever. If the person is gonna play you they will (yes people can hold up a mask for a long time, thats why when something tragic happens their friends always say “I never knew so and so to do that, I have known them for 5 years.”) and if they want to be with you they will.

      • Mellons

        Im glad someone said something about that mask. Because typically thats just about how long itll take for those not-so-attractive traits i.e jealousy, abusive, baby mamas, ect. i agree with waiting. Not to long though but theres something about the chase that makes waiting worth it.

      • Mls2698

        True. I bet you were waiting, but he was having sex with others.

  • Kena1908

    If she can’t wait that long she probably doesn’t like you too much ;)

    • MIssK

      If a woman doesn’t like a man too much, she probably won’t have sex with him either.  I know I wouldn’t!

  • Pingback: La Scandaleuse » En amour, doit-on appliquer la règle des 90 jours ?

  • LezMiz

    “As a Black man, embarking on the relatively difficult task of finding a soulmate” — LOL could you get any more pretentious? Take it down a couple notches, bro.

  • Lalatarea

    3 months is perfect cuz that’s how long it takes for 91% of the population to have an 99.99% accurate hiv test.

    • Lalatarea

      well 3 mos from the time u decide to be exclusive and not have sex with anyone else.

  • TK

    Where can I meet Courtney Edwards!! The first black man i’ve heard talk/ write sense!

  • Sarahkhan1586

    When you feel comfortable enough with that person and if the mood strikes then it doesn’t matter when x

  • RP14

    I’m concerned about the validity of a sexual based study being conducted at Brigham Young University. I don’t think that the standards in that area are the same as they would be in other parts of the United States. 

    I agree that there is validity in waiting but that would be based on getting to know someone without other influences.

  • Knightstoni

    Reminder – some people are celibate ^_^

  • http://www.facebook.com/elayna07 Lynda Elayna Spratley

    My favorite part” If the person truly likes you, they will be willing to wait.”

  • Chanda

    I think it’s up to the couple itself to decide assuming that they’re both adults and know what they want and what they’re doing. Whether you wait 3 dates, 3 months or 3 years, that’s nobodies business but yours and your partners. Not that big a deal unless you make it one.

    • Chanda

      *nobody’s*