“Ask a Black Man” Episode 4: The Marriage Episode [Extended Cut]

289 comments
April 19, 2012 ‐ By jade

Here is the extended cut of the last episode of  Season 1 of Ask A Black Man! Ladies this is our season finale, so we held out for the good stuff in the end. More eye candy, more honesty–we all thought this was our favorite episode to date due to the true honesty that was provided by our panelists. We’ll warn you now: it may not be easy to digest but the extended version will help you understand their answers a little better.

In this episode, a new panel of men discuss the topic of marriage. MN commenter favorite Devale is joining us for another episode, while LA (Laurence), George TwopointohZarette and Brannue Life represent for the first time on stage. Our lovely host Kela Walker holds it down for the ladies, per the usual. You don’t want to miss the full discussion!

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  • MoreThanMoney

    LOL. I don’t cook, definitely don’t clean, refuse to do laundry and could really stand to lose a lot of pounds and my husband is happily married and in love. These “men” are children. They are little boys that have watched the grown ups do it for a long time and once they grow up, they’re going to do it like this – (fill in the blanks). Bless they’re little hearts. With age comes wisdom so I think there is hope for them still. But what I will say is this – I’m not a maid and I’m not a cook, my husband can pay people for that. What I am is a wife, the lover of my husband’s soul, his foundation, his backbone, his shelter in the storm. I’m all the things money can’t buy. That’s why we’re married. I hope you meet that woman that’s all the things money can’t buy for you too.

  • CarlaKah

    At the end of the day you will eventually be yourself and so will he. If you don’t like him as he is. Quit.

  • CarlaKah

    Laurence looks like his mom made him do this

  • Ann

    These guys are focused on “looks”. You need like the comments below, get a mix of young and old guys, married guys that been married and still married. These guys are lying through their teeth and talking out both sides of their mouth.

  • Faith

    Where did you get these guys from? Why dont you get some older guys instead of these young guys? I think these guys are talking out both sides of their mouth. They know they want a woman who is attractive and can’t cook, conservate, just look good and spend up all their money.

  • MichiganHopeful

    OMG! OMG!
    Devale just needs to stop! It would be interesting to know how long he has been married. Some of the stuff Devale admitted to or made a statement about is straight out of the “stone age” and I believe in old fashion values. At some point, his wife will “awaken” and he can’t push her around anymore, then what?
    Bottom line, a person doesn’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. The men on this panel who think other wise and aren’t married, probably won’t be married. The man on this panel who is married, will eventually have his “heart broken” because as you continue to remain married values changes/people change–it’s called growing up!
    Next, married folks always make the statement “I know my wife or husband!” Bottom line, people are individuals and they will do what they want — you can’t stop it because ” you think you know” them! People stay in line because they choose to hold themselves accountable not because of their partner.
    Man of the house is NOT tangible! A man of the house protects his family, provide morals for his kids, and keeps his family together.
    News Flash — Women are leading men in going to college; hence, we are probably going to make more money. So you might want to re-think that women needs to make less than I to be secure or the man of the house.
    Sex Frequency – You all are still young – Another New Flash – as men get older your package declines; hence, this is why Viagra exist. So all this BS you all are talking now in your 20′s and 30′s about women need to service you whenever — return the favor in our prime which is 40+—bam!
    Baby Making – Those on the panel that think if you marry a woman & they have to have a child because you married her or not wanting a career driven women because of possible issue with childbearing, then I tell women their condition should be —you make the man raise them from out the womb Mr. Mom.
    You all sucked!
    I agree this would have served better by having more married men then non-married or men who have never lived with a women.

  • Sheila

    That whole Barren conversation was ignorant and ridiculous. What if the MEN were actually the reason for a couple’s infertility? Would it be ok if a woman left a man who was shooting blanks? Also, despite countless tests and medical advances having a baby is still a miracle. Some doctors find absolutely NOTHING wrong and a woman could still be unable to get pregnant. I’ve also met women who had illness that prevented pregnancy and they STILL got pregnant. There are also so many other options…to have children. SMH.

  • Samantha

    Devale speaks like someone who hasn’t been married very long. Seriously. I don’t understand why the guy at the end (forget his name) was even on the panel because he admittedly doesn’t want to be married. I honestly see why the divorce rate is so high in this country. Most of us don’t know how to be married. We place too much emphasis on things that in the long run don’t matter. It’s all instant gratification. But marriage is supposed to be forever, til death do us part, for better or worse. I know not all men (black or not) are like this, but I have serious doubts I’ll end up with an American. I feel like we’re reading from 2 different books.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jesusboo616 Tiffany Little

    Why do we have to pressure men. I was always told if a man wants to marry you is because he loves you. Also, why is Devale married?

  • Jumi02

    i just wanted to say that the men are grossly misinformed about that last issue of being barren. there is no screening test for barrenness. most people don’t find out if they’re barren until they attempt to have kids and sometimes the inability to have children is actually the man’s fault. 

  • Guest

    3 keys to marriage?? Realllyyy??? All of that is just so superficial and surface-y.

    • Yaniya

      I think he was joking – right?

  • Kjb3000

    Only a man would think of some BS like a “barren test”…Lol…that’s bizarre and insensitive. A woman’s body is more complex than that. However, their honesty was refreshing and at times scary. Two thumbs      up!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=655961269 Lady Burns

    if she’s a Methodist thats cool :) LOL

  • CutieReppinNY

    Devale sounds like he’s in HS, I can’t believe someone married him.

  • CutieReppinNY

    Bottom line is marriage is not a priority for most black men. Most black men did not grow up in a 2 parent home, therefore marriage isn’t on the radar. If you notice white men on average marry much sooner than black men because most grew up with married parents, therefore marriage is more of a priority. The average age of marriage for whites is much younger than African-Americans and I think it’s clear to see why.

    SN: Ladie’s don’t believe that hype that what you do someone else will, if a man LOVES YOU and wants to marry you he will point, blank, period. Be yourself. I know women that don’t cook or clean and have been married in less than 1 year and are still currently married, so just be yourself. If you’re worried about your man leaving then he’s not the one.

  • Whitneybthomas

    Why isn’t this what’s being played on BET instead of some other things…

  • Skye

    Brannue is a fine specimen, and the more he talked the better he looked

  • COCOCHANEL31

    AMEN YOUNG COSBY!

  • YoungCosby

    In regards to women coming “equipped” (for lack of a better word), men need to be better decision makers when it comes to the women that they chose. Traditionally, men do the choosing when it comes to their mate and the woman goes along with it if they agree of what the man is presenting. So why is it that the woman needs to go to the gym because he likes a woman that’s in shape? Or learning how to cook because she knows you like to eat. How about properly vetting a woman before even getting to the point of you’re already engaged, and now she needs a Marriage Prep course where you’re the professor? That’s hustling backwards.

    Dating is not what it used to be. Now it’s people trying to cram experiences of sex and a few outings into seeing if it’s marriage material. The problem with men nowadays, especially the decent Black men that are left, is that they know they are a rare breed. With them knowing this, they get women high off being “different”, when that’s the way they are supposed to be from jump. It also falls on the woman to make better decisions on what’s being presented to them. Too man woman are trying to get a Birkin bag with a gaping hole in the bottom, passing up that Coach bag which is littered with compartments to make your life much easier.

    On the issue of men getting married, the woman only gets the ring if he want’s to get married, he’s at the point in his life where he wants to settle down, and YOU set a time table for when you want to get married. If all of those criteria are not in sync, there’s nothing else for either party to talk about.

    On the issue of women having to have “everything”, this is ridiculous. If you as a man don’t have everything, then how the hell are you going to demand that a woman have everything. This goes vice versa. God doesn’t give you everything. We are ALL incomplete creatures.

    I’m also still seeing a lot of archaic stereotypical ideologies being brought to the forefront. Why do both parties have to have roles? Why not just being in each others lives to help their life be easier? So if you wife is working overtime because she’s a career woman and you have time on your hands because you’re not as busy, you can’t do laundry? Or cook? Or clean?

    Listening to this, it’s really hard to understand why Black women are so loyal to Black men. What are you doing that enhances their life so much? Too much ego being slung around and not stating anything that shows substance.

    • YoungCosby

      Mind the typos, typed in a rush.

  • COCOCHANEL31

    WEETHOMAS JUST BROKE IT WAAAY DOWN!! ITS THAT SIMPLE LADIES! WE ALWAYS TRYNA CHANGE THE MAN THAT’S NOT READY AND BYPASSING THE MAN THAT IS ..SMH

  • LUVBNBLK

    As a twice married man, this video gave me and my wife a GREAT laugh. Thanks for that. I’m not going to diss the options of some of the brothers in the video, but I’ll simply say…good luck with that. Here is my advice – make sure your spouse is your best friend. My wife and I laugh every day. We have both “changed”, during our relationship. Change is not a bad thing its actually mandatory if you want to grow together. We both gained weight, my hair thinned a bit, and money is never as available as we would like it to be, but I would die for that woman and I haven’t ever, as much as kiss another from the day we started dating (I believe that all cheaters are pu$$ie$). We are both on our grind. If the old school traditional relationship works for (both of) you in 2012, cool - but its not for everyone. We have tons of areas to improve in, but growth is what makes life work living. I love my wife with two lifetimes of my heart and I couldn’t picture my life w/o her. I appreciate everyday God gives me with her.

  • Nylalady

    I really enjoyed hearing all the opinions of such fine and intelligent black men.  Wish this was a reoccuring show on TVOne or something.  Keep up the good work MN and kudos to Kela for being a great host and keeping the convo flow interesting and enlightening.

  • Nylalady

    I really enjoyed hearing all the opinions of such fine and intelligent black men.  Wish this was a reoccuring show on TVOne or something.  Keep up the good work MN and kudos to Kela for being a great host and keeping the convo flow interesting and enlightening.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/U6RZYJHRSNJJTUZQI44PLYOUN4 Monique

    Based on this video, I can see why so many young Black people are not married. BTW, there was a lot of emphasis on cooking! 

    • Angel

      And working out/appearance. Marriage – hell, life in general, is not that cut and dry.

  • CaribFlavor

    This was an awesome series and I throughly enjoyed. After reading some of these comments, I have a couple points to make. Bear with me :)

    1) I found nothing wrong with the men on the panel. I just feel like some women were looking to these men to tell them the secrets of the dating world and marriage. What you have to understand, this is just 5 men. They do not speak for the AA male race. Just for themselves. Therefore accept their opinion just like you would want someone to accept yours even if you do not agree with what they are saying. ALSO, these panel are from the male perspective! We women know how we talk within ourselves AND I AM PRETTY SURE that if our man was there, there would be some things said that would make him look you weird.

    2) Get OFF Devale and his case!! The man is just stating his opinion! If you do not agree with him then obviously the man that yo are looking for would not be someone like Devale and life goes on. Some of you are saying you feel sorry for his wife and their relationship. DON’T! Every woman likes something different. She obviously loves him being direct as he stated in the show and that is why they are married. Different woman likes different things. I might like a guy that is very open and direct with his feelings because what he says is not going to hurt or bother me. While miss next to me might cry if a guy talks to her in the same manner. Different people, different things. Don’t judge his relationship! Some girls might be more into the Devale type and others might be more for that guy that encourages his woman to work out with him.

    3) A lot of women are getting offended over the working out thing. Simply put, people like people with similar interests and likes, He works out and cares about his looks, so he expects the same for her. These guys on the panel wants their woman to work out and look good. Matter of fact, I have NEVER heard a guy say I don’t want my woman to look good. However, what these guys said do not speak for every man so don’t get offended.

    FOR THE MORE IGNORANT THINGS

    4) We all know that in real relationship, couples do NOT have sex whenever the other wants it, Enough said. In the real world, I am pretty sure these men are pretty understanding to their woman’s situation.

    5) A BARREN TEST??? I cringed and laughed so hard when I heard that. There is no such one thing! Enough said!

    WHAT I THINK WOULD MAKE THIS SHOW BETTER

    6) UNISEX PANEL! and back to point 1. Guys would not be talking the same if there were females within the premises including Devale LOL (joke)

    THANKS FOR READING!

  • nellie

    In my opinion, this was the best episode thus far!!! 

  • Rachel

    What does a 3.0 mean?

  • weethomas

    I think the reason so many women seem to be dissatisfied with this series is because they feel a need to change men.

    There is a lot of “these men don’t know what a real man should be like” sentiment being expressed or “these men are not mature” or “these men don’t want the right things”.

    Which suggests that most are missing the point. The whole purpose is to educate you on what men actually want and think. For better or worse, these are the “real men”, not the imaginary ideal ones so many seem to want. After watching this, you should understand men better. You seem disappointed with reality. Guess what, I mostly don’t care. Because I know that I can’t change grown people. So when I make decisions that depend on doing so, I am intentionally setting myself up for problems. You have a problem with men, raise boys to grow into different men.

    The talk here about having a similar series doesn’t seem to be geared towards educating men about the misconceptions they have about women (something which would be useful), but geared towards having women tell men how they should be living their lives and how “men” should be behaving (something which is pointless). It’s like telling me I should have built a sedan after I’ve already produced a 2 seater sports car. IT IS TOO LATE. This series is about giving you the instruction manual to the car. If you want something else, you need to get to the factory, you know, before the final product has been finished.

    As was suggested in this video, if you are looking to settle down and looking for marriage, then your focus should be on men who are ready and/or have reached that part of their lives. Why would you expect any other result otherwise? Why would you think telling someone what you want will change anything if that’s not what they want as well?

    It seems to me, again, as expressed in this video, that a lot of unhappiness and disappointment can be avoided if people are straightforward with each other. Well weethomas, what if the man isn’t straightforward back? Sounds like he’s not the man for you right? If this concept is too hard to swallow, you will continue to find yourself in situations where you end up unhappy.

    Look at it this way. Man not interested in marriage dates woman who wants to get married. Until the topic comes up, the relationship is perfectly fine for the man. He is not leading anyone on and everything is going on as he would like. The topic is broached, man responds in a non-commital or completely honest manner. The woman stays in the relationship. Nothing actually changes for the man, woman now unhappy and confused. Who is at fault here? Answer should be clear. Nobody is leading you on when you stick around trying to change someone.

    Easy rule of thumb, in a relationship, treat anything that is not a YES, as a NO. “Do you want to marry me?” “I don’t see myself getting married for two more years” = NO. Regardless of how true the statement actually is, treat it as a no and act accordingly. 

  • Gregg Na77

    This is why I am single with no dependents. I don’t have it
    in me anymore to compromise or deal with demands. I love myself, my time, and my freedom way too
    much to give it up for anyone less than spectacular in my sight. This was not
    always my perspective, but as of two years ago, it is. I tried the committed
    relationships with the men who just were not ready to take it to the next level
    and I gave my all in my past relationships; what some women refer to as “doing
    the most”. I started at 17. Two relationships lasted 5 years a piece while the
    last one only lasted for 2. Those relationships did not end up the way I
    expected which was marriage (not even that I was looking for it to go there,
    but you get to the point where you have to ask yourself and your partner “Where
    is this going”?) Now it takes a lot for me to be impressed by men because I
    have a new focus. Most people think that I have given up too early at 28, but I
    am a realist. I know who I am and what I have to offer and if that means that I
    will remain single then so be it. I’m still going to enjoy my life because in
    2012 I think it is a norm to date and spend time with a man knowing it will not
    last forever. I appreciate the time spent while having fun with multiple people.
    Women should try to view things differently now that the times have changed and
    the divorce rate is increasing.

  • Sarah

    I get wanting to ask a black woman series, but ladies sometimes it needs to be a listen one as well and this was it.  Either you agree or disagree now you know to some degree what men are thinking.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    Well, I guess I’m never getting married unless I lose some weight. 2 out 3 aint that bad. :o

    ..Just joking.

  • A. Marie

    @calinative:disqus Hi Liz. I really liked this episode and would like to share it with friends. Unfortunately, it is taking forever to load. The only way I was able to watch it was by watching it for a minute then stopping it.  Is this a problem that a lot of people are having? 
    Also, are you still hiring in New York? 

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Sorry I missed your comment, and I’m just now seeing it.

      As for the video player, I don’t think I have had anyone complain about the player like this, that I know of :(

      I am currently looking for freelancers of several capacities in NYC.

  • COCOCHANEL31

    Where are the other brothas from the panel??? They got poor DeVale in here by himself ..that’s messed up! loool…

    Since DeVale the only man in here – what was your take on the THINK LIKE A MAN MOVIE? ( If you saw it)

    • Devale

      Haha. I’m actually enjoying this. I believe these interactions are more valuable than the episodes. I saw the movie. I thought it was great. It really shows that some men need a reason to mature. If you allow a man to do and get what he wants he has no reason to move forward and focus on the needs of his partner. It also showed how women are not just motivation for men to reach their full potential, but can be an active part in helping. It also showed that there is no handbook to marriage. People love each other for the strangest reasons and if it works for them then God bless’em. I do think there were some key aspects of the dating scene missing.

      For Example: Like I said earlier Type B women, independent, strong, career driven, financially stable, into casual sex and not interested in a relationship was not represented in the film. I don’t think women realize how this dynamic has shifted the power struggle. In the beginning it was stated that back in the day men got married because the cookie was usually offered in return for marriage. Cookie = Power. NOT ANY MORE! Its not that some women don’t value the cookie, they value status more.

      I have been out at functions where women have viewed men as the prey. They don’t want money or even a phone call after. They just want to be taken care of for the night and go back to work on monday. To me, this is the fundamental problem with the dating scene. All the keys they spoke about in the movie are true. “Don’t give up the cookie and if he’s worth the cookie he will do the right things to show he deserves the cookie. And if you’re the right girl, along the way he will realize that the cookie is no longer the prize.” Very true, but with more and more women offering up the cookie (either because they want to or because they think its necessary) SOME men will just go get cookies from someone else. lol.

      In a perfect world all women would band together in a unified front to withhold the cookie. lol. Men would be forced to choose a mate and take the time to get to know her before things get intimate. This would even the playing field for Type A women. As far as getting a man to propose, I proposed when I was in a finacial situation where I could pay for a ring she and I would be proud of, a wedding, own a home and support a family. This takes time. My wife wanted a dream wedding (I knew this before I proposed) so I waited till all my ducks were in order.  Take it from me ladies, I’m not saying to be a gold digger but a man cannot be a good man if he is not confortable with his financial situation. Comfort level may differ, but know yours and know his. If they don’t match then keep it moving. If you like nice things, look for a man that values nice things. 

      • cocochanel31

        Great assessment and I agree that with the masses of women giving up the “Cookie” rather quickly it makes it hard for those who aren’t! Since women will never band together and hold onto the “cookies” like 50 years ago, in fact it will only get worse…what do you propose women do ?

        I totally agreed that once a man finds himself falling for you “outside” of the cookie it makes the relationship that much better. ( megan goode character)

        LOL and thanks for taking all of us women on..you are the only brave soul from your cast to do so! lool.

        • Devale

          Haha! Yeah my boys think I’m crazy for doing this but I am constantly trying to find ways to sustain my marriage. Through this dialogue I learn how women think without having to watch Waiting to Exhale. lol.

          As far as what women can do, that is a tough question. I have two younger sisters that ask me the same question almost daily.

          Option 1: Give up the cookie and hope that he likes you enough to keep pursuing more. (Taraji P Henson’s character) Her man was so into her that sex was never a deal breaker. He just wanted to get to know her. They had sex on the first night and he wanted to build something more.

          Option 2: Don’t give up the cookie and hope that he is so intrigued by your personality that he wants to pursue more. (Megan Good’s character) The risk here is that someone else”s cookie can cloud his judgement.

          Regardless of the cookie good women keep good men whether they gave it up or not. It all depends on the woman’s preference. Cookie can change alot of things but it will never force a GOOD man into a situation he doesn’t want to be in. If you are truly a good woman he will realize.

          • cocochanel31

            Good advice! So sounds like the woman just better know what she wants and can handle because it really just depends on how much a man likes YOU as a person in the end. The only way to gauge this IMO is to wait past the first date lol..but guess you never really know!

          • Tanesha

            I agree with CocoChanel31 and this is great advice.  My hat is off to you because you are the only one of the panelists brave enough to take on all these women.  I hope all the naysayers havent given you a bad opinion of black women. LOL Please understand that there are some of us that appreciate your comments (myself included) and the fact that you are engaging in a dialouge with us is great!

      • hmm

        i agree with this Devale

      • Janelle

        This dating scene is brutal out here Devale. LOL! You offer up very powerful advice to all the ladies out there. Thank you!

        • Devale

          I thank you guys for giving me a chance to get my points across. I know my approach may have turned alot of ladies off but I decided to lead with the brutal truth so that those who choose to listen know I’m coming with a very genuine point of view. I found that being politically correct sometimes leads people to believe one is not being real. 

          Everything you have heard from me is my honest opinion. Not scripted for any specific agenda. And I honestly believe a good woman will always find love. I met my wife when I was 18, and even when I was fighting the fact that I knew she was going to be my wife I couldn’t find another woman that was worth me losing her. I spent 7 years of my adult life KNOWING (haha) that there was no way I already found my wife. Lol. Little did I KNOW, although women outnumber us, good women are as rare as a flawless diamond and good guys figure this out sooner than later.

  • Analyst

    This episode just illustrates a fundamental problem with us women. It makes it look like every woman’s obsessing to get married and that we will basically will do (or should do) whatever the man sets in order to get the ring. The subliminal message seems to be ‘this is what you need to do to get a man (because A man is better than NO man). The reality is that NO man is better than WACK man and this angle isn’t covered at all. I feel like I’m being told to essentially morph into the man’s fantasy woman so that the guy can finally pop the question. This episode just turned me off. It falls right in line with where patriarchy wants women be, namely being responsible for making the relationship work. Patriarchy once more trying to control women in obedient puppets that will make men happy. This video is clearly saying that women need to do this this this and that and then MAYBE he’ll want to marry her. What about what the MAN needs to do on himself in order to feel ready to marry? As usual this episode is giving women a long-list of ‘to dos’ as the fellas sit there and watch. Yaaawwwwn.

    • COCOCHANEL31

      So true! I love Steve Harvey’s line to women in the book that says “Ladies there’s this word called STANDARDS! Get some!” the fact of the matter is women choose men! We choose who to allow in our personal space, so we just must do better overall! I think women should just invest time in improving themselves independent of a man and at the right time the man will come. Anything you do to impress others ( a man int his case will never last) Go to the gym for yourself, learn to cook for yourself, budget your money for yourself…..etc. that way you are genuinely improving the quality of your life, which is always attractive to anyone, especially when they learn you were doing these things BEFORE them and will continue to do these things AFTER THEM.

    • weethomas

      Sounds like you tuned out in the episode. They explain numerous times what men need to go through to feel ready to get married.

      HOWEVER, here is the problem. Just because I’m ready to get married and you’re ready to get married, doesn’t mean I will automatically marry you should we start dating. How is it that this concept seems foreign to you?

  • Guest

    Honestly, almost everyone on here is taking things WAY too personal. The answers that the men gave were exactly that: their answers, based on their experiences and/or what they believe. Chances are you will NEVER end up with any of these guys, so there’s really no reason to be up in arms over their responses. If they would leave a wife who is barren, that’s between them and their wife, and unless that’s you, it doesn’t matter and the same goes for any of the other questions and responses. Devale, Brannue, George, Zarette, and Laurence see things how they see them; it may be true for you, it may be false. It’s great to have some debate, but at the end of the day, DO YOU and let other people DO THEM. 

  • http://twitter.com/afrikanmami12 African Mami

    Lawwwwwwd hammmmmercy,
    my thoughts UNCUT! This had to be the WORST and IMMATURE panel, talking about marriage ever in the history of “Ask a black man”. Through and through the interview, a tone of entitlement and ridiculous expectations was the selling point of their opinions.

    Deval’s comments had me wanting to pass through the computer, because of how ridiculous they were. He seems to have a very “meat head” ideology of how a marriage is supposed to operate. Although it was not expressly stated, his key to a good marriage was: (1)looking right (2) going to the gym (3) and a woman being subservient to a man. He is FOIIIIIIINE, but he has a long way to go, before he can ever dish out keys to marital success nuggets. He is a newbie in the game, and it is all clear in his RIDONCOULOUS assertions. God bless his foooine soul though.

    Brannue Life, Deval’s cheerer, I can’t with him! Are they best friends in real life?! “It doesn’t matter how much money you make, I’m still the man of the house!” –WOWZERS! The tone he stated it in was so arrogant. Again I almost passed through the computer. You are not the man of the house because you say so, absolutely NOT! Where they do that at?! You are because I, the mrs. have given you that privilege!!! Stop with the madness. These intonations of entitlement were just so bizarre, I was getting ready to call 911 because I was starting to develop respiratory
    problems, with the ensuing madness.

    Zarette George’s sentiments resonated more with me, although I do have to say that I was not on
    board at the beginning. However, he did win me over because (1) he was very thoughtful when talking, not just blurting out the first thing that came to mind (2) his barren answer was soooo sweet. Loved it! Not to add, that he made the REALEST STATEMENT about being the man of the house-“I am not putting a quantitative value on being the man of the house”

    George 2.0 didn’t really make impactful statements. His opinions were “normal” so to speak. Nothing
    outrageous or pretentious.
    L.A.-He was a great listener #that’s all.

    In the future, please if you do bring back Deval and his cheer squad back up Brannue, make sure to tell them to answer the questions at hand and not veer off into meat head ideology land!

    Lizz and team you are doing a GREAT job!!!!

    Kela-GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL, your lip game is BOMB!!!! Loveeeeee the purrrrple lipstick!!!! When are youstarting a line of lipstick?!lol.

    • weethomas

      So. . . what you are saying is that you’re in denial lol.

  • Frustrated

    Watching these videos, reading relationship books and blogs concerning how you can get a man is purely exhausting. The truth for myself and I’m sure some other ladies is that none of my fabulous meals, my Kim K curves, my long hair, my independence, talent, and kindness doesn’t do crap for me when all the men who I encounter are already married, bitterly divorced, or plain have no intentions on getting to know me for long term commitment.  Its disappointing so I really get tired of men such as the guys in the video who claim I’m not cooking or working out.  News flash, guys, I do all that but I have no control on the men who come into my path.  Devale, I’m Girl A, but being Girl A has truly led to me being alone.

    • weethomas

      Sounds like you need to encounter different men. Problem solved.

    • Belle-Sexie Canuck

      Dating 101..Baby if you are selling Black Caviar, don’t bring your goods to a market with Spoonfish Caviar buyers-c’est simple! Respect, patience, confidence and softness ( as a woman ) does it every time :o)…We might not be able to control the men who cross our paths, but we can control which ones we decide to give the time of day. Our message should always be clear.

  • Belle-Sexie Canuck

    Who cares about a last name?? It’s just a name-representing what and who you are to each other is more relevant…

    • weethomas

      Apparently. . . men care.

  • Ifuaskme2

    I give DeVale 5 year. Tops.

    • Devale

      I bet you wont put your money where your mouth is. Been with my wife for 10 years already. this July will make 2 years married. I already had my chances at single life and they all sucked compared to the black woman I have. Reading these posts make me further realize I so don’t want whats in the dating circuit. I’ll do whatever it takes to stay married and so will she. Put your money up and I’ll come collect it in 5 years. Leave it up to black people to wish another black couple fails. SMH. Crabs in a barrel. lol

      • Tanesha

        Devale, I’m sure you have a beautiful family and I do wish you much success in your marriage.  I noticed in the video you stated that you were in the process of getting to know God, or something to that effect.  I would strongly encourage you to continue seeking and building a personal relationship with him and let him be the head of your life.  We all know marriage isnt easy, but with God it’ll make that bond even stronger.  I wish you and your family many blessings in the future and I also thank you for the honesty that you’ve provided in the videos.  Whether agree or disagree, I appreciate and honest opinion.  Be blessed. :)

      • mochazina

        Devale, I just wanna throw in my +1 for your 50+ years of marriage!   The ribDonor & I are coming upon our 11th anniversary this year and we started with plenty of naysayers just like that putting caps and bets on what we have. 

        SMH@ @Ifuaskme2:disqus 

        • Devale

          Congrats!!! Thank you for the blessings!!! I wish you guys decades more!

  • Ifuaskme2

    Why didn’t MN put Demetrius back?

    • Janelle

      I was wondering that too. But I’m 50/50 on Demetrius overall. The good is he’s attractive, well spoken, strikes me as one who has chased success (as Devale mentioned) and speaks with real wisdom. Seems like a good guy to sit with at happy hour. The bad: He’s in his 40s and not married. I’ve sadly found AA men in their 40s are still running the same game as the AA men in their 20s – endless texting without wanting to get together in person, unpredictable, and very very picky.

      If MN was to diversify the panel in any way, yes age is great, but relationship status would be better (married, living together, in a committed relationship, etc.).

      And MN: Did you really have THAT hard of a time finding married AA men to bring on? Wouldn’t be surprised but dang. Only one?? 

  • Ifuaskme2

    Ladies, if you want the ring BUY IT. Life really is that simple. Then get a hobby.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_TCXBBRB3BNWTKKNDROFTMEBVDY sylvia

    That was such a great episode. Very enlightening. Just for the record, I’d rather my husband/man be direct with me. But of course it’s all in the way that you say things.  I also believe that whatever a woman did to get the man that is what she should do to keep him. (Don’t get it twisted men, this means  you too).  If you made sure that you were fit and fine before marraige because you knew that was one of the things that he admired about you, then don’t get in the marraige, gain 50lbs and get mad at him because he is acting differently and you think that he should love and accept you no matter what.  Men are visual.  In other words “keep it cute ladies”.  Be realistic and fair about it.  Ok so yes now you are cooking and have had children. Understandable, and you may let yourself go because you are caught up in the moment, but get a grip, and get it back right because not only will he  appreciate it, but you will feel better about yourself as well. Keeping ourselves healthy is not just all about them, it’s about us not losing ourselves, maintaining our own self worth, health, and emotional well being.   Men, make sure that you are doing the same. Nothing worst than a man complaining about how much weight a woman has gained since they got married and he looks like he is just about to give birth any day now. And men women are emotional, so don’t complain about her not wanting to have sex with you as much as she used to and you have stopped doing everything that you did to get her as well….Just saying…..I’m done…:)

  • Mallisa

    I have been watching the series and carefully taking in to consideration everything the gentleman and host have said. As black young female, I agree with what Devale has mentioned and his opinion because ladies, he is a strong married man. He knows what he is talking about. Often a times us ladies say we want marriage, money, etc. BUT what sometimes we don’t undertand is that those things we want, we just want them without actually working for them. Marriage is more than a commitment, it’s a lifetime bond between a husband and wife for the sake of God. Maybe if we started thinking of marriage in this way, we will find husbands lol. I want to ask the guys this and bare in mind this fellas : Some of us ladies, never grew up to see what a REAL marriage is. Men don’t understand that at the same time boy’s were craving for that father figure so were us girls. My father was absent from my household, so I grew up to provide for my family Financially and physically. It’s the only thing I know how to do. Now when I meet a man, they tell me I have too high standards. Is it wrong for me to want a man who is a provider? A man who takes care of himself. A man who fears God. My question is this, I work out, am educated, independent, etc why do men not want a women like me? It seems that men say they want a certain type of woman but when it comes down to marriage, they go for the complete opposite. 

  • SisterMaryam

    Greetings,

     

    I’m in my thirties, have
    been married for ten years, have one child, and I’m an orthodox Muslim. My
    adoptive parents have been married almost 55 years and adopted 9 of us from the
    foster care system. I’m responding to the ladies who are seeking diverse
    perspectives from married women. 

     

    Concerning this final
    episode: Although we may not like what we are hearing or we may be concerned
    about what we are hearing we should look at this forums as teachable moments
    for the following reasons:

     

    1.    
    We are entitled to freedom of speech.  We don’t want to be censored so we shouldn’t censor
    others. We can’t ask for feedback or demand dialogue if we aren’t willing to
    hear each other out.

    2.    
    This gives those black women who aren’t aware of the breakdown
    and decline in men of ALL races and ethnic groups.  Series like this and the numerous rot like
    series that have festered in the media clearly demonstrate the imbalance,
    damage, and breakdown in meritorious chivalry in African American men.

    Please
    see the following:

    The
    Decline of Males: The First Look at an Unexpected New World for Men and Women
    by Lionel Tiger

     

    I would like other black
    American women to know that men are not entitled to your service, affection, and
    time without an honorable legal and financial partnership.  I would like other black American women to
    know that you do not have to denigrate your honor, and worth in order to
    attract a quality husband. I would like to encourage black American women to do
    what I did: stop seeking black American exclusively and expanding your
    courtship option to include functional men from the GLOBAL village.  Please stop limiting yourself. The more
    options you give yourself, the more likely you are to find a gentleman that
    meets your expectations.  I would like to
    see a series titled “ asks a multi-cultural man” that includes middle class men
    from the global village.  I’d also like
    to see religious diversity included in this panel.

     

    I encourage you to check
    out TheSojournersPassPort.com and hear a new perspective on post-modern black
    women who are finding love.  Another Website
    is BeyondBlackandWhite.com.

     

     

  • MC

    After watching all the episodes one thing stood out and that was when Devale said something along the lines of being more stern and people being weak. My interpretation is that people aren’t willing to put in the work needed. Anything worth having requires effort and these days people take a very passive approach to their relationships. We go to school and study hard for our degrees, we put in extra hours at work for a promotion but when it comes to our relationships it seems we as a society has lost our desiree for accomplishment. The very desire we need to get the things we want in our lives personally. This is why I agree with being direct because a lot of the times if things aren’t said and done flat out there would be no resolutions just continued conflict.

  • Tanesha

    I apologize in
    advance for this long post, but hopefully the moderator will approve it :)

    I found this
    episode to be insightful and I appreciate all of the men being honest. I know
    some of the ladies commenting do not agree with all that was said, but the
    honesty has to be appreciated and respected.

    I have
    noticed that some in this forum have an issue with the gentlemen focusing so
    heavily on looks and desiring that their potential mate works out. Although, I
    do agree that too much emphasis on one’s looks is shallow, I also think that
    the men have a somewhat valid point, (in addition to being entitled to their
    own opinions). In my experience speaking with male friends, they emphasize that
    men are very, VERY visual and they do want their mate to be attractive in their
    eyes. (Just like we females want our mates to be attractive to us.) I have
    found that many men are concerned with their partner “letting themselves
    go” once they get married and some for this reason are reluctant to pop
    the question. I know some of Devale’s comments were not popular with some of
    the viewers, lol; however, I do understand what he was saying when he spoke on
    women getting comfortable in marriage. Many times, both men and women, can
    become comfortable after becoming married. Some married people have the mindset
    that they have already courted their mate and now that they are married, they
    no longer have to keep themselves up and their mate just has to deal with it.
    For example, some women may have had sex with their boyfriends 5 times a week
    when they were dating, but after they got married the sex dwindled to maybe
    twice a month ( I know this sound extreme, but this occurs…..OFTEN!) I think
    this is unfair, and doing this means that you are taking your parnter for
    granted.

    I think what
    it boils down to is that the gentlemen want their mates or wives to take pride
    in their looks and to “keep themselves up,” during the
    relationship/marriage. If you used workout when he met you, then you should
    continue working out during the marriage. The woman should not just do this for
    her spouse, but she should also want to do this for herself. There is nothing
    wrong with taking pride in your appearance, and this goes for both men and
    women. With that being said, I do understand and believe that it should be
    expected for people to physically change throughout a marriage (we all won’t
    look 25 forever!). But every married couple that I have talked to (some being
    married for over 40 years), has informed me that marriage is WORK!!! It took
    work to court your spouse and it will take even more work to keep them.

    Now, I do
    think it is shallow if someone puts too much emphasis on one’s looks. There is
    nothing wrong with desiring an attractive mate, but if a man is demanding that
    his woman looks like Halle Berry, or if a woman is not dating anyone who doesn’t
    look like Denzel Washington, then I think that is a problem and a sign of
    immaturity. Yes we all want a mate who is attractive to us, but it is shallow
    to expect your mate to be flawless-besides one needs to have more to offer than
    just their looks. We all know that it takes more than physical appearances to
    build a healthy relationship. When I was in my teens and early 20s I refused to
    date any man who was under 6’1″, now that I am almost 27, I realize that
    it is ludicrous to hold fast to this dating requirement, especially when there
    are so many wonderful men out there who may be 5’10.” I think as an
    individual matures, they realize that looks do matter, but they are not as
    important as they once thought they were. To sum it all up, I think the same
    thing one did to attract their mate, is the same thing they need to do to keep their
    mate. I know it’s easy to let ourselves go, but we should all take some pride
    in our appearances and be ready to put in SERIOUS work to maintain a successful
    marriage.

    Noire thank
    you for the great series. To the men on the panel- I appreciate your honesty. I
    know it can be hard to have your comments so severely scrutinized. LOL And
    again, sorry for the long post. :)

  • FromUR2UB

    These guys are young enough to still be idealistic about not having to make any compromises in choosing their mates.  The women they eventually marry, will probably fall short of their “checklists”.  That’s life.

  • cw

    Three words….Best. Episode. Ever. lol! I look forward to seeing more. :) 

    Very good questions. Very insightful. I would have liked the men to further elaborate on their answers to the question, “would you leave your wife if she found out she was barren.” before the time ran out. 

    I suppose I’m curious to know if men realize that some things a person can’t control. Like what if your wife experienced health problems during the course of the marriage/relationship. Does the phrase, “in sickness and in health” only applies to certain situations in a marriage? 

    Also, only one man (Devale) is married it would cool to hear different opinions from more men that are married on what qualities their wife had to made the cut. 

    After seeing all the episodes thus far….I would like to propose a panel featuring; Panama Jackson, Streeze, Devale, Zerrett (he’s a cutie :) and Brannue Life. They are funny and are easily to understand their point of view….they’re my favorites. lol! 

    again good episode. 

  • http://www.giftsandmo.webs.com/ Mo to tha

    I LOVED this series.  As much as I didn’t want to like Devale, his honesty is awesome.  Women always complain they don’t know what a man wants….well Devale gave you some unfiltered truths.  Overall the series was really enlightening as well as hilarious.   I think if more women were truly honest with themselves, alot of the things that the men discussed were things that women look for as well.  I think its just harder to accept some of the things that were said because of the delivery.  I will say the issue with a woman being barren was harsh….that’s not something she can control and I think if the situations were reversed a man would feel some kinda way if a woman left him.  I understand the desire to have little people who look like you running around, but I don’t think its the end all be all.

    Overall, I can’t wait for Season 2 (THERE HAS TO BE A SEASON 2, lol).

  • Dr.Leah

     Mr. 2.0 iss finee as f***!!!! Now that I have that out of my system, I wanna say that I love this episode and these mens view. One thing though, (((that guy who was sitting next to the host, not sure of his name because I was BUSY staring at and waiting to hear what 2.0 and the guy in the shirt sitting next to him had to say))), Devale is his name I think. His views came across as ignorant to me at times or maybe too harsh from the last episode he was in and in this episode too..Overall I was enlightened by these mens responses. I picked up what I felt fits right and the rest I let slide. I hope next episode matches this or bars higher. DAMN 2.0 IS FINE ha

  • La Verita

    Well I for one would just like to say “THANK YOU GENTLEMEN” for participating on these panels and sharing your perspectives. I completely agree with the other suggestions for more diversity but I do still appreciate the different insights you all shared. To be clear, there were quite a few things stated that I either laughed at, marinated on, annoyed me, already knew, completely felt, and also thought *tasha mack voice* ”now what now?” but I’m the type of person where my goal is to try to remain open minded & seek whatever golden nuggets that can be found from someone else’s story that may benefit me. Men and women can disagree on a lot of things but the fact that we think differently is not one of them. 

    Since an individual’s perspective is typically based on their own personal life experiences & what they’ve been taught, I try not to think of viewpoints as right or wrong necessarily because there are always going to be 100 ways to skin a cat. It’s more about experienced or less experienced; evolved thinking or less evolved thinking, based in logic or emotion, based on knowledge or wisdom. I feel some panelist were equipped to give us basic directions to the destination while others were able to navigate us more thouroughly. The only drawback in dialogue among men, (sometimes) when you have a room full of testosterone (any race) there is going to be some level of alpha male energy which can interfere with the authenticity of whatever’s being said. Much like when you get a group of women (any race) together jam packed full of estrogen, there is (sometimes) a certain level of catiness thrown into the mix.

    At the end of the day what I really appreciate and respect anyone for is HONESTY. Yeah there was a pinch of “gotta be the class clown jokester” mixed with a splash of “let me beat my chest or show my behind” going on but for the most part I think the men were pretty candid, open, & truthful about ‘their’ genuine ideas & that’s what makes the videos worth checking out. There’s something that can be learned from everyone (even if it’s how NOT to think).

    I especially enjoyed them challenging one another on their perspectives. Now one thing I LOVE about men is that they’re able to get at one another (in situations like this) and keep it all light & playful. It’s a lot of things we can say about the fellas but you can’t ever say they don’t know how to keep it fun. We all know when it comes to women (sometimes… most times lol), once we get to challenging one another it might get a little tense and go left with a quickness lol. Now I’m not saying we are going to just fly off the handle b/c a lot of us do know how to conduct ourselves but things may definitely get “personal”.

    I commend all of you for sharing your views, even the views of the viewers {“shout out to Ambra for her post”} with their feedback. Hopefully there will be a little more diversity going forward and best of luck with future videos.    

  • Jacpin2002

    I just watched this episode about marriage and I am very surprised at the answers when most of the men said that they would leave their wife, if she was barren. There are no 100% accurate tests that can prove that a woman is barren. I had a daughter and then got married. I find out that I cannot have kids in the normal fashion. I have to go with the ‘expensive option’ in order to have a child.  Technically, I am barren. My husband has not left me because science can make it happen. There is even procedures, where the man can still contribute the sperm needed, but egg comes from a different woman. The kid could come out still looking like their biological father, but would not have the wife’s genes.

    It’s a shame when a man says that they will love you for better or worse, but when worse comes around they leave. I would like for more men to be educated before they start formulating their opinions. Love this episode for the insight that it provided.

  • http://twitter.com/Zabeth8 MEH

    I’m done with these types of black men and their gross sense
    of entitlement. No wonder black marriage is where it is today.

     

    I also find it ironic that one of them said “You can’t apply
    1950s values to 2012…” but that’s exactly what they were all doing the entire
    video, lol! It think it is true that women are living in 2012 while men are
    still trying to stay in 1950- that’s the disconnect.   

     

    Moreover, it seems that the majority of the men featured
    AREN’T married. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of the guys
    featured came from single parent homes. Statistics would back that up anyway.

    • Analyst

       THANK YOU! I wasn’t feeling them either. They need more mature men on these panels.

  • Kimberlyjones112

    I happen to believe that many of the more thought out responses are from women in marriages or relationships. Notice, the only issue I had with what was said was the barren comment (I lost all respect for the men on that panel. It showed their lack of commitment and their level of imaturity) and the “what does it take to get the ring”. Other than that…most of the things thaqt were said were fairly true. All of their foolish statements made me so happy that I have a man who loves me unconditionally (meaning that we’ve been through some conditions). Some of these men are TOO selfish to be married.

  • Devale

    Hey ladies it may come across like I don’t appreciate women (which is not the case) but I do have issues with the new age mentality of women (not just black women). When I was growing up my mom and grandmother told me I better learn how to cook and clean because these women nowadays don’t want to do anything. Both of them worked and held down the house so thats what I was accustomed to seeing growing up and what I wanted in a wife. Alot of young women look down on women that choose a family life over their careers. I personally don’t think a woman has to choose. She just has to find a man that is willing to help with the house and kids. Sad truth is that most men are not willing to do that.
    The fact that women have progressed has changed the structure of dating and relationships forever.For Example: Man walks into a function. Women A is independent, beautiful, hardworking, nurturing, and ready to start a family. She is a little more old school, not willing to become intimate immediately because she just isn’t into that sort of thing. She is fun, witty and well rounded. The type of woman that a guy would want to marry.Woman B is independent, beautiful, hardworking but she is more into her career than raising a family. She wants to have fun with life and throws caution to the wind. Not interested in a relationship or being held down by a man, but she enjoys the companionship of a man when she sees fit. Casual sex is not taboo to her.Woman C is just there to look for a guy with money. She just wants to sleep with whoever will take her home and hope he either falls in love or she gets pregnant. She is beautiful and very convincing. Dresses provocatively and is super aggressive.These are just some examples of the type of choices we as young men are faced with today. Most young guys are going to leave with woman B or C because of the immediate satisfaction. I feel we get labeled as shallow and selfish for making this choice but until a man gets tired of the run around he will make this choice 9 times out of 10.

     Many men miss out on the ideal woman because we are easily distracted by the obvious. Most men in these time say, “if women don’t feel the need to cater to a man, I might as well stay single and look for an independent women to be my cuddy buddy. I get to keep my own money cause she got hers and I’m free to live as I please.”

    Its just how it is. No one side is more to blame than the other.

    • Kimberlyjones112

      I just want to hear your justification for leaving your wife because she is barren.

      • Devale

        To be honest I can’t justify that answer. She wanted a yes or a no to a hypothetical questio so I went with my gut. Real life situations require way more than 30 seconds to answer.

    • tiffanybbrown

      dude: please stop trying to speak for all men. just stop.

      • Devale

        Once again Tiffany never said ALL. I can only speak for what my circle and I discuss. But since you seem to know what ALL men think and go through please enlighten us.

        • tiffanybbrown

          When did I say that know what ALL men think? All I said was that I know enough men to know that you *do not* speak for all of them. I could have learned that much by listening to what the dudes seated to the right of you said. But I really learned it by having men in my life with whom I have I actually discussed these things. 

    • Cocochanel31

      I’m curious to know what state you live in Devale? Yes they are trifling women, there always have been, however ALOT of women do what to be able to settle down before the age of 35..we do know we have a biological clock, hence the pressure we somteimes put on men for “the ring”.  And YOU just said 9 times out of 10 the man will choose option B, OR C, so whose fault is it that he doesn’t know HIMSELF or what he wants if he bypasses Option A which is the best choice for him??????

      There is nothing wrong with wanting a woman to take care of the home, bc my mother worked outside of the home everyday and still cooked and took care of us, and I see my married coworkers who are VP’s and SVP’s who work long hours and still take care of the home, and you know what makes their marriages work, They have SUPPORTIVE husbands who cook when she comes home late, or who drops the kids off, and vice versa, it’s called working as a TEAM/A UNIT!  I don’t know any woman that doesn’t want a partner..you may need to expand the circle of women you know, luckily for you you are out of the dating game and dont have to deal w the BS………..

      • Devale

        I live in New York. Contrary to what you may hear from your friends, there are just as many working women that say they don’t want children at all (Tiffany) so their biological clock doesn’t matter. I’m only 27 but if what I’m saying about men choosing B or C isn’t true then why are so many complaning about men not wanting to settle down? If more men were choosing A this forum would be unneccesary and the amount of babies out of wedlock wouldn’t be so high. Maybe I should point out that my experiences with women differ from that of most men because I was a professional athlete for the first half of my 20′s. Since 1% of the population get an opportunity to experience that lifestyle maybe my opinion is skewed. 

        I also stated before how my house hold works. My wife works cause she wants to, not cause she has to and we share the house hold and parental responsibilities. I’m also from an old school mind set. I want kids so I don’t view these responsibilities as a chore. But my life is also not viewed as ideal in the eyes of my friends and many of my associates of a similar age range. #kanyeshrug

        • Cocochanel31

          Maybe northern views on marriage are different than south of the mason dixon line. I live in the DC area and while most here don’t get married until late 20′s to 30′s, in southern southern states like the Carolinas and Louisians their black population marries very young and its just a given that you are married by 25. It probably has alot to do with oppourtunity, black people don’t have the same career choices down there as they do in large metropolitan areas like DC or NYC where most women would probably value getting an education and career BEFORE starting a family, but even if your theory is true then there would be no need for discussion like you said because women wouldn’t be pressed to marry and procreate and we know the men are not pressed to marry and procreate so they would have a happy medium.

          I do believe that more and more women are choosing not to have THE TRADITIONAL family , however I DO NOT think this is the majority in any state. The MAJORITY of women do want to procreate and marry at some point, hence the market for this web series and Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man books/movies…you notice these love self help books are mainly alll geared towards women, Why – Women are the ones who want to settle down!

          If a man/woman doesn’t live up to what you want then there is always the choice to leave them alone, maybe that should have been option D????

          I think sometimes the problem is the prototype that men are attracted to, every man wants the Kim K – esque woman, curves for days, long beautiful hair, but you also want her to be a housewife and low maintenance, and I think that is the disconnect, the type of women you guys are attracted to just aren’t going to be “traditional woman” for the most part from what I can see…of course exceptions to every rule!

    • Candacey Doris

      Thinking only of immediate satisfaction is sort of shallow. It’s what is suppose to separate children from adults-the ability to go for long term satisfaction. But notice i said “supposed to” Most of us o go for instant gratification (no pun intended. But men o it more. And it just gets at women because we often don’t have that option, don’t want the labels that come with it, or have been looking out for that long term reward instead.  So like you said, we have to start looking out for the man that’s tired of the run around. But some of you guys never get tired of it. I know a guy that’s happily married, but leads single women on just to prove he can still get women like that. Even when you’re out of the game you can’t stop! Why is that?

      • Devale

        Thinking of immediate satisfaction is very shallow. The fact that men get praised for being able to take a chick home while a woman may get the scarlet letter is the difference. The consequences for practicing safe sex with multiple partners is a badge of honor for men. Women on the other hand have alot more to think about when it comes to these decisions. Definitely a double standard but such is life. Men do get tired of the run around though, and the first person they think to call is usually the chick that decided she was worth more than a one night stand. Hopefully she’ll still be interested or even on the market.

        I think both sexes are guilty of leading single people on even when they are already married. Its human nature to want to be appreciated and wanted. Marriage doens’t put a hault on all emotions and impulses to still be attractive to the opposite sex. My guess would be that some just like the thrill of the chase, some may feel under-appreciated at home or some may just be flirts. 

    • Loray14

      Devale… While I was appalled at most of your comments in the video, I’m digging your written ones. I guess like you said, it was a live setting where you were answering loaded questions on the fly so it was difficult to give well thought-out explanations. I’m gonna chalk it up to that, otherwise I’ll be forced to think you’re an extremely shallow man with misguided ideals and a huge sense of entitlement.

      BUT….I am loving the Woman A, B, and C scenarios and I think you hit the nail on the head with that. “Many men miss out on the ideal woman because we are easily distracted by the obvious.” <— WELL SAID

      The issues lie on BOTH sides of the table. What I got out of the panel most is that 1) to each their own. What you guys want is likely different from what the next man wants. And 2) ideals and reality are often different. Although the guys stated their preferences, if faced with those actual situations I have a feeling there'd be some compromising going on, especially considering their woman of interest would likely be overlooking some of the guys' shortcomings as well.

      • Loray14

        Just want to add that I wasn’t trying to be mean or harsh toward Devale. Ladies, if his wife is happy, that’s really ALL that matters. F what we think. It definitely sounds like he’s coming from a perspective that is very different from most men. It seems to me that he can command a lot of things most men can’t due to things like, looks, physical fitness, profession ( ex. former professional athlete), and possibly income. Just my observation. 

        Keep doing what you’re doing if it makes you and our family happy. We women only need to worry about ourselves and the men we choose.

      • Devale

        Hey Loray I appreciate the feedback. I just want to be clear that I am a bit of a character but my goal was to give the women that choose to watch a vivid encounter of how men view the dating scene and marriage when speaking amongst ourselves. No man in his right mind would be as direct and harsh when speaking to a woman. But when men are amongst men this is what usually transpires. lol. WE couldn’t even agree amongst ourselves. haha.

        I trully hope they do a follow up segment that allows women to ask what we as men expect of ourselves in a relationship. Only then will the ladies realize why I come across as demanding. Men won’t like my responses either. smh. I’m an over-achiever and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a sucker when it comes to my wife lol. #kanyeshrug

  • Santana_Jackson

    I can guarantee that most of the women that are posting here are SINGLE, UNNATTRACTIVE, OVERWEIGHT, AND CAN’T COOK!  lol….  Just keeping it real!  These guys are speaking the truth.  I wouldn’t say 100% but damn near 90%.  Put those Doritos down and pick up a dumbell.

    • Cocochanel31

      I beg to differ lol. …everyone who is “bunned up” or has a man is not mated to a Neantherdal! Some men are actually mature and like and appreciate something beyond the surface. We can all agree superficiality is what attracts us initially to a person, but it’s not what makes them stay!

    • http://twitter.com/futuresatellite Z

      “Put those Doritos down and pick up a dumbell”

      You first :)

      • Santana_Jackson

        I workout regulary and it shows.  Do you?  My guess is HELL NAH! 

        • http://twitter.com/futuresatellite Z

          Hurt your feelings, I see. Get over yourself, Santana.

    • Analyst

       Wow, how mature. #Fail.

      • Santana_Jackson

        Immature to you!  I kept it 100! :-) 

  • http://twitter.com/futuresatellite Z

    I have to say just from watching this videos I think that when it comes to dating and relationships men are the most superficial especially young guys, I’m not judging ya’ll for but it it just seems pretty clear. Granted, women in their 20s like myself have their superficial moments too (ex: wanting somewhat muscular men and men over 6 ft tall that are also stylish). Again, I understand men are visual but really…You’re asking for a lot. You shouldn’t settle but don’t overlook women just for physical attributes alone I know men supposedly have a lot more options.

    Now, I’m a 24 y.o. woman and not married, so I’m still young and learning but I don’t believe marriage is supposed to be a life sentence its supposed to be fun and enjoyable because you’re a part of a lasting friendship because that person IS essentially your friend –not your maid, cook, or mother. If you were to marry the right person these superficial expectations probably would be laughable. 
    Looks- I’d hope we’re both attracted to each other but yes those do fade. So I hope my husband should already understand that when his hair begins to thin on the top just be happy I love you for reasons other than your hair and I won’t judge you for it. Cooking- We’d cook for and help each other because it’s a partnership and we have unconditional love for each other so it wouldn’t even be a question. I don’t think this should be the woman’s responsibility. Working out- We could always work out together to ensure that we both look good for each other and ourselves and are healthy for that matter. 

    I understand having wants and needs but some stuff is not that big of a deal.I totally understand the issue of being committed to one person for the rest of your life being scary. I don’t understand all the ridiculous conditions.

  • Visita

    I only watch the extended cuts!

    • Candacey Doris

       +1!

  • Cocochanel31

    The saddest part about this clip was the superficiality of what was required of a woman to “get the ring” outside of cooking and “working out” I did not once hear these brothas mention the most important aspect of a mate, which is the friendship part or the HEART PART. You can have all the looks, money and cooking skills in  the world but at the end of the day if that man or that woman is NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND none of that matters!! Think about it, those of us who have same sex best friends, we don’t choose them based on what they look like but whats in their heart, and essentially marriages/relationships dont last bc everyone is basing their affection on very surface level things and it’s conditional..IF you don’t do this or IF you don’t look like that, then I can’t X,YZ, …that is not LOVE that is selfishness! Newsflash: MARRIAGE AINT ABOUT YOU!!

     I encourage these brothas to get First Corinthians in their spirit – the true definition of love, and reevaluate whether or not they are even capabale of any of the things listed, and if not ,they might as well plan on NEVER experiencing true love in this lifetime. If any of these men knew older couples that have been married 20+ years they will tell you, the looks fade ( whose parents bodies are the same now as they were 30 years ago) the sex decreases, people get sick like really real illnesses ( cancer anyone) , children are born, lay offs happen, in other words welcome to LIFE! If at the top of your “list” for a spouse you have superficial things like cooking and working out, then just don’t even get married bc its not going to last anyway.

    Women- The same way men say they want a “ride or die” we got to make sure our man is RIDE OR DIE for US! I want a RIDE OR DIE DUDE..a man that is gonna ride for me when I gain a little weight, a man that is gonna be with me when my hair is not fried, died and alwaaaaays laid to the side, a man who is going to encourage me and not put me down, a man who ultimaelty sees me as his best friend and PARTNER thru the good and the bad, all this other foolishness is  high school stuff, the world I live in isn’t a fairytale and I have real life issues to be worried about, not going to the gym everyday and racing home to have dinner on the table at 5:05 in fear that my man will leave me if I dont’ do these things is not the only priority of life…, and if a man wants me to be the perfect woman 24/7 he might as well keep it moving!  

    Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
    love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
    it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
    does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
    bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    Love never fails…But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
    1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

    • hmm

      i like this so much. your description of what you want from your partner is so good. I think that’s what i want. If someone said that they were going to be like that to me I would die. And can you believe “Spend my Life with You” by Eric Benet and Tamia just came on my pandora.  This is so romantic.

      • COCOCHANEL31

        Yea the requirments are ridicolous!! smh. And the sad part is alot of my male friends think this way and guess what: They don’t have a woman, they are bitter, and still running the streets like they did in hs, bedding a ton of women down but don’t have anything to show for it,  let’s grow up black people!

        If all a man brought to a relationship was money, and all a woman brought was looks and cooking , what tha hell type of relationship is that??? I can make my own money…he can make his own damn food…..I need A FRIEND!

        Most people never get to experience love on a deeper meaningful level bc their love is conditional. I’ll be 30 next year and I’m trying to take things to a deeper level! All the happily married people I know said marriage AINT ABOUT YOU, and you better get over that mindset or it’ll never work.

      • cocochanel31

        Another song that comes to mind when watching this foolery is that Musiq song I’ll love when your hair turns gray, girrrl , I sitll want you when you gain a little weight..that’s real ish! If a man doesn’t feel that way about me after being with me for some time, he is wasting my time and his!

    • Kimberlyjones112

      I have a man that definitely displays this mentality….which is why I feel very sad for the woman who married Devale. I have lost 53lbs and goined 30 back and my man still stares at me like its tthe first day we met and we’ve been dating forr 4 years. HE WANTS TO MARRY ME and was not forced into it. He’s been trrying to marry me for the last 2-3 years. He has not had a one night stand and I’ve never heard him call another woman a B. These men have got it so twisted. My man is fit, black, extreemely intelligent, loves reading and does not act like these men. We are bestfriends and I agree with EVERYTHING cocochanel says. These men need a lesson and Im still trying to figure out how Devale got married lol

      • Devale

        I got married because my wife’s will and personality is just as strong as mine. She isn’t beaten down by honesty and she strives for greatness. I admire that about her and it attracted me to her. Neither one of us will accept mediocrity in life or in each other. I’m glad you found someone that is willing to deal with your shortcomings cause my wife is happy to deal with high standards. ;-)

        • Santana_Jackson

          Devale!  I appreciate your honesty and patience dealing with some of these women posting so much negativity towards you and men in general.  It’s no wonder so many of them are single and NO MAN wants them.  I’m a single college educated man who is not a fan of marriage.  I applaud you brother!  Keep it positive and much love.

  • Aisha

    My overwhelming impression, particularly of Devale, was one of hardness. In my work life, I expect that; the relationships with my superiors are strictly horizontal but I expect little of that in marriage. It seems as though, collectively, the panel imagined marriage as a dangerous sport. As a married Black woman (almost ten years) I do know that you have to define the marriage you want and I appreciate that it seems Devale and his wife have developed a system of communication that works for their relationship; simultaneously, I am saddened by the harshness that seems to characterize it. Despite this, I think I learned some things. 

    I think there is truth in the suggestion that, to some extent, gendered marriage expectations have moved a lot more for women then they have for men. Frankly, I think this is unhealthy. For myself, I was looking for a partner, someone to go thorough life with on equanimous terms, to whom to give and get support. While I expect my husband to work, and hard, I do not expect him to pay all of the household bills so that I can play with the money I earn. I want him to have play money too. And in the same vein, while I am certainly the better cook, I do not expect to do all of the cooking. We both work. We both eat. We should both cook even if I do more of it than he does. To me, few good divisions of labor need to be strictly 50/50.  Ultimately, I agree with Lawrence’s (I think) comment that there can never be too much communication in a marriage. If you can’t or are unwilling to talk, to negotiate, what are you doing being married?

  • Jerseryvixen

    Funny thing is they gave us the best tip, that dudes who are in their 20s making a bit of money for the first time are NOT trying to settle down… so word of advice when you meet the dude that’s giving you all the excuses in the world about why he’s not ready, if that’s what you want BOUNCE. he’ll take your best years, ya’ll will fight over this and that , things will get bitter and in the end even if he’s getting close to being ready you guys have done ran your relationship to the ground, and stunk up the vibe. He’ll meet some chick right after you and wife her, because men need to be with a woman who believe the dream , who see them as this righteous knight in charming armor, you know that twinkle you had in your eye when you first met him? so “sticking it out ” may work but that’s very rare. and those folks I know who are getting married after years of fighting , cheating and just pure bull-shyt look so miserable, so half-azz cause the “love is gone.”  You want to be that chick that swooped in his mid 30s when he finally LEARNED all the things that he should be doing to make his woman happy and is finally ready. My gf who got married that way said it best ” You will not believe how easy it is when a man is ready, it was so easy I felt like I stole something.”  I have seen this scenario happen over and over again.  All that working it out is for the birds.

  • Jerseryvixen

    I like the panel, but I will say the whole “WAIT” advice is bull and they know it. Why do I have to sit and wait and “prove” to you that i am good enough, did you have to “wait” YEARS for the nookie, for me to cook for you, listen to your problems and support you? no. Why do you feel like you need to get all these perks and support as a boyfriend, but don’t understand that what the woman wants most is the security of your commitment? I am not advocating for people to rush into marriage, but real dudes know when the have a good woman giving them all these things, they are essentially getting all the goods at a credit, and need to get their joint together and marry that woman. There is some sense of urgency to give her what she wants and needs. You would never hear a WHITE man say that ish, because for them, they know there is a LINE of educated, employed and READY men who will wife their chick should they falter. and Black woman you don’t have to WAIT especially if it looks like he’s not acknowledging your worth, nor making you happy. If he’s waiving the marriage like a carrot stick to make you jump, BOUNCE , the drought of  marriage ready black man is real, but trust me it’s not that bad, there are a lot of good guys out there, it’s not that bad.

  • 21goingon30

    okay, wow…feeling this episode. I know I don’t like to work out, I have to because I am diabetic. But if it wasn’t for health, I wouldn’t do it….I can throw down in the kitchen, and  I want my husband to do the “manly” stuff. I am naturally motherly, I have over ten nieces and nephews and two great nieces….and Devale while I know his comments would probably rub me the wrong way, I ain’t his wife (lol), but I appreciate his honesty with his wife. My future husband will probably have to have a firm hand with me….My sister cant cook, at all. But her marriage is the only functioning one in my family. I think their relationship works because they both know and understand one another, they communicate. He’s the water to her fire, they work well and good thing he wasn’t raised on home cooked meals….but when they do want a home cooked meal I come over whip something up and leave….and lol, I just realized my first few “sentences” sound like an ad for a date. Too bad I already found the calm to my storm, lol we’re just finishing developing ourselves as individuals before colliding.

    • 21goingon30

      Oh and I forgot, I really feel bad for unattractive women. I know that this is a narrow viewpoint on how men think, but really wow…I’m attractive and have been getting hit on since 11, but to know that everyone wasn’t blessed to have attractive parents and might not be able to find a mate makes me sad….and on another note, while I am not barren, carrying children is risky for me due to health. If my body allows I will carry my children, but if not I hope my future husband would love me enough to explore other options…it’s sad to think some women will not be accepted as a wife for something that was beyond their control, be it physical appearance or being barren.

  • BraNNueLIFE

    Oh my y’all going in on here. I think Devale is trouble or some.lol Definitely glad the episode has people talking. At the end of the day, I believe you have to figure out your own formula for marriage. What may work for one person may not make any sense to the next.

    I was glad to apart of the panel. Ask me back anytime:-)

    • Kim J

      You would really leave your wife if she couldn’t have kids?

      • BraNNueLIFE

        Honestly, that’s was my hardest question. I do want a child and it’s hard to say about that situation. I hope it kill our marriage, but I will have my child, no adoption.

  • GUEST

    My only problem with the episode was the “barren” question.  Sometimes the infertility issues are because of the man.  I just wonder how the men on the panel who said they would end their relationships if their women couldn’t have kids would feel if their women wanted to leave them for that reason?

  • Sozitm

    Mrs. Devale Ellis.. i am so sorry you deal with this a**hole of a man.. at least hes fine. WOW. 

  • KimJ

    I am very disappointed in these men who would leave their wives over kids. If you have to stay with her through sickness and health till death does you part, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK BEING BARREN is an exception?

  • BlackGirlThatRuns

    Interesting episode…..I think Devale has a very unique view on women…if he weren’t married you would think he didn’t like them…Not in the gay way just sounds a little like a woman basher…but any way…Brannue is very handsome and a pleasant addition to the cast. I would love to see him back for part ii. But I digress….I think a lot of the men are speaking on situations one way but would definitely react differently with the actual situation arrived…Example… the cooking thing would probably get a pass from most men if the woman happens to be what most of them classify as a bad b*tch. Let’s be real here most men are concerned with a woman’s outward appearance than they are with her homemaker skills or what not….I just think you all are stating ideal situations but would settle for just a pretty face in reality…I see it all the time. I have a lot of opinions about the panels responses but I’ll save that for another time..

  • SweetT

    I just hate that this episode opens with “What does a WOMAN have to do to get the ring.” Seriously, I think that and the never-ending list of demands that these men propose — the things that they feel a woman should posses just to be “worthy” — are just ridiculous. I’m not saying that there’s no truth at all to their claims, but it just shows the problem. What makes you men feel like your entitled to all these things from a woman anyway. Last time I checked there might be fewer of you than us, but there aren’t a whole host of you all that are truly that spectacular. And honestly that’s what annoys me — men who are by all means BASIC as can be, but they expect so much from a woman. How can you have such high standards for a woman you would date, but not meet those standards yourself? She has to look this great (You aren’t that fine!), she has to be ambitious (You aren’t driven yourself or aren’t even educated!), she has to be able to cook (You can’t even boil water yourself!) Stop looking at yourself as this hot commodity that are truly aren’t.

    And honestly this is how it is now. And they feel like they can get away with that because women are the ones “chasing” the ring. I’d rather be single than have to be with a man that sets all these standards for me when he is the one who isn’t worthy in the first place.

  • Ladybug94

    I can’t marry you girl cause you can’t have kids..how rediculous.  There are couples who get married that don’t have children.

  • FemmefataleLB

    Episode 4 is the best, keep it up

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      I thought so too! I actually couldn’t wait for it to air LOL. I know it was hard to stomach and sure they’re not for everyone but….going through the episode really let me gain some perspective on my own thoughts and approach to marriage and what the heck I’ve been doing in my dating life recently. 

  • Anony

    i don’t agree that all men want from their wife is pretty face, food, and sex. those are very basic needs yes, but i’m an evolved woman and i would like to marry an evolved man. thankfully the men that i date aspire for higher.

  • hmm

    i’m obviously not the marrying kind. I’m the fun kind. and this doesn’t sound fun. This sounds like slave labor. I didn’t know how good i had it being single. actually you know if people waited till marriage for sex i bet this wouldn’t be a problem.I bet all of these guys would be married. This makes me feel like disney love movies were just a ploy to brainwash little girls so that when they grew up some man could  watch ESPN in a clean house with good food. How evil (Okay maybe the disney movie part was a stretch. sorry disney. love you). 

    • hmm

      take that back. after thinking about it i realized i do do a lot of those things. i just don’t want to feel forced to do them. if i do them, i want to do them because i want to and i want my doing of them to be appreciated.

  • Eva

    Ladies, Devale speaks that real! He’s not sugar coding it that’s probably why some of y’all are a little antsy about what he said. I believe in the fact that if we want the whole package, we have to be the whole package. And it’s not just about cooking, working out or providing. The 3rd guy from the left made a good point by saying that you have to know your partner. If you’re partner has always been direct with you and hits you with a “what about that work out baby?”, you’re not going to be offended. Personally if my husband beats around the bush I’ll be more offended like “am I THAT out of shape for him to stutter like that?”.

    • SweetT

      Please, you’re just as diluted as they are. The problem is not stating your concerns about your partner’s weight change — it’s the way you state it. I believe you can say just about anything to anyone if you say it tactfully and respectfully. “You’re getting fat. Maybe you should hit the gym” is rude and insensitive. “Hey babe, I noticed that you’ve fallen out of your workout routine. What’s been going with that lately? If you’d like, maybe we should hit the gym together later.” captures the same sentiment, but does so from a place of love instead of criticism. It’s not all about what you say, but how you say it.

      • Eva

         Clearly you haven’t listened very well because he did stated that he wasn’t going to speak to his wife the way he speaks to a panel of 4 others males

  • Eva

    I don’t even know where to start. First of all, I do appreciate the honesty of those men even though it came out raw sometimes. What bothers me though is that, when we listen, we as women feel like we are the problem. It feels like we have to put in all the effort. I mean I get most of what y’all were saying. Brannue was saying that people are packages and that we have to take the bullshit that comes with it. I think he really meant men. Although we want somebody to BE ABLE to take care and provide for the household, that doesn’t mean that it is your only role, and that because of that the side bullshit slides. NOOOO!! I believe in honesty and direct approaches, I don’t need you to beat around the bush. Be real with me, as long as you find a non hurtful way to say things and best believe I’ma be real with you too.

    As for the infertility it’s a touchy subject. I think most women wouldn’t leave their husband if they were not able to impregnate them. Although with men’s pride and stuffs it can be difficult, no adoption, and “i’d rather no babies than another man’s baby”. We have to be realistic, it would be absolutely amazing if love really transcended every barer and struggle but a child can be an issue.

    As of the issue that stated your woman makes more money than you do, I mean if you’re a little uneasy about it, join bank account is the solution. If both of you are putting the same amount of money then it feels somewhat equal. As a married woman I kind of get what they are saying. I do cook, clean, take care of my body and my household but you’re not going to get away with your shit just because you bring money on the table, that would just be wrong. Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I don’t feel like working out. So if you’re being direct and bringing those issues to me, sometimes you have to be ready to get a “when I feel like it” because everybody needs a break. The whole thing kinda felt like the man commands and the woman obeys and it’s not how it’s supposed to work. Not in my marriage at least. We both do our part and know our roles and places. And never will I ever and have I ever let my husband be the only provider, because I don’t want him to potentially throw it in my face someday if it goes south. I feel like those men expect their woman to be perfect but there’s no such things. If the woman really is the whole package, you better be on your A game and be her whole package. Providing plays an important part but that’s not all.

     I may have found this a little misogynistic (very exaggerated term I’ll say but only word that came to mind) but it was interesting, highly entertaining and very honest I feel.

  • Sweet Pea

    Considering this topic was on marriage, it would’ve been nice to have more than one married man on the panel this time. 

  • A F

    On one hand, these men hit on something very true — men feel entitled to certain things among women bc the proportion of “eligible” men to women is so low. It’s pure bargaining power. This is why these men feel comfortable saying women HAVE to have all these things (constant sex, beauty, cooking, etc., etc.). I’m not mad at them. Women’s desperation to marry gives them that power. Perhaps women would be better served by focusing on improving themselves and really learning the men in their life to know if their values are congruous to yours. Advice from a married woman. :)

    On the other hand, I am confused about their actual MOTIVATION to marry, and I’m disappointed that wasn’t more directly discussed. Why are these men either married (in Devale’s case) or considering getting married (in the others’ case, excluding Lawrence)? I have always believed that men only do what they want to do. So…. if there is no difference between a girlfriend and a wife (as Branneu and Devale stated), and if the only reason TO get married is the woman’s pressure to settle (as Devale stated), then…. why are y’all married or willing to potentially marry? If marriage to y’all doesn’t mean a union, a joining of two becoming one, compromising and giving of oneself and being better together than apart…. then, what’s the point? I mean, obviously, just to satisfy the woman you are with… but if that’s your ONLY motivation, why not hold out for a woman that doesn’t believe in marriage or whatever. You have the bargaining power, after all, and there are women like that. I know a few myself.

    • Devale

      Im SOOOOO glad you asked this question. My comment was anwered within the context of sex and cheating. Kela asked how we would take being cheated on by our wife. In a man’s mind getting married doesn’t expand your sex life, marriage restricts it. At this age men have higher sex drives than women, putting added stress on the woman to satisfy his urges as often as needed. In a man’s mind there is no benefit to marriage in terms of SEX. I just meant SEX, not in every other aspect. I believe there are many benefits to being married but I wasn’t asked that question.

      • CaliGirlED

        I just want to say that when you’re in your 40′s I hope you still feel that the spouse’s responsibility is tosatisfy the other’s urges. Or you better hope your wife’s drive doesn’t kick into 4th gear, and 5th gear in her 50′s! LOL

    • http://twitter.com/Zabeth8 MEH

      Yes, there’s a limited pool of men as long as black women continue to limit themselves to black men and black men only. This video proves that black women need to broaden their options.

      • Candacey Doris

         Women in general need to broaden their options! Don’t turn a guy own because of race. You’re missing out on a big percentage of men that way.

      • A F

        I guess, but a lot of studies show that Black women are last on the list of preferences for men of other races. So there’s that.

  • Tia Tappan

    This video was very interesting, to say the least. What I’ve come to conclude, however, from watching these videos is that everything depends. Everything is circumstantial. If all the panelists were ready for marriage, or actually were married, then their answers would have been different. The bottom line is, the outcome of any relationship depends on where a person is in the different stages in their life (career, maturity, what have you). If you’re ready for something that your partner is not, the relationship won’t work regardless. We just need to be real with our expectations and be able to move on when a situation isn’t giving us what we want. Stop trying to create something that isn’t there. And don’t ever go into a situation thinking you can change the other person’s mind.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      +1

  • Miami

    I’m not saying the men on the panel represent every man, but it’s a MALE view. More interesting is to see how much resistance the ladies are showing to these ideas. Listen – is it fair that a man wants his woman to be attractive, cook, clean, work out, sex him up, etc? NO – but generally that’s how it goes! As my married girlfriends tell me “You single girls have a warped view of what it really means to be married. It’s not fairy tale and everything isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 70/30…” Many of us may be single because we don’t know our “roles” and we don’t know how to relate to a man in real life. I’m not saying we have to fully embrace all that was said on the panel, because I don’t agree with all of it, but a lot of what Devale said, like it or not – was the truth. My auntie always said one thing to remember BEFORE you marry is: “KNOW who you are dealing with. Know their expectations of you as a wife. Know what you expect from a husband. If you both can meet those expectations, then the rest is just working it out.” The problem is most people have ab-sol-utely no freaking idea who they are marrying. And a lot of us are selfish and don’t want to bend. Look – if you know your man likes to eat – then you’d better learn how to cook. AND…if a man knows his woman likes to shop – then he’d better have a great job, etc. Other communities seem to know this. Old school black folk know this. Sadly, many US in our 20s-30s DO NOT KNOW this. I was born in the wrong era! lol    

    • Janelle

      Sadly you are right. I hear the same thing every time from too many women out of broken marriages and other epic fail relationships: “The signs were there from the beginning. I just didn’t want to see them.”

  • JJ

    the man with the blue shirt (forgot your name) has the prettiest teeth… omg. 

  • Retrospect.

    I find the opinions on taking a man’s last name really .. interesting. Lol. I’ll just say this – in my culture, a woman does not take a man’s name when she gets married. We keep it because even when we are married and enter into a new family we are still apart of our old family, and we would keep our father’s name – the man who raised us. So, I wonder what these men or other men with similar train of thought would do in that situation? Because this is no longer an issue of “I want you take my last name .. bla blah ..”, it becomes a cultural one. 

  • NotYourAvg

    Last point – being infertile is ususally something you discover AFTER you get married because that’s usually when people ACTIVELY start trying to get pregnant.  It’s usually after you’re married when the  woman stops taking birth control and the man will stop pulling out and using condoms.

  • NotYourAvg

    They really need an education on infertility.  Doctors don’t declare you “infertile” until you’ve actively been trying to get pregnant for at least a YEAR with no results.  AFTER a year, they will run tests to determine the health of your reproductive organs.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Marquita-S-Moore-Mba/45006143 Marquita S Moore Mba

    KELA WALKER: WHAT LIPSTICK IS THAT!?!?!?!?!?

    • guest

      after each episode Kela Walker shares with us her make-up tips

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        LOLOL. I really heart Kela’s makeup artist for this show, as well as her lip color options for the series. 

        PS I srsly want this makeup artist to do a series here on MN, she’s pretty dope. 

    • Kéla

      Marquita. Im wearing Rebel by Mac with a lipliner (Im not sure of name) to punch it Up!  I <3 my makeup artist, MIMI for this series!!!

  • Cocochanel31

    Maybe being barren is a dealbreaker for a man or even some women. As mean and selfish as their answers are you can’t be mad if that is how they feel. I def think its one of those things where if you discover that fact AFTER you are married you really and truly do not know what you would do if you are truly and deeply in love with your spouse.  There are other ways to bring a child into this world and I pray that a couple truly in love and in it for the long haul would explore those options before throwing in the towel.

    • Eva

       Some men just can’t get over the fact that the baby isn’t going to look like them. It’s a pride thing I guess, but among all a disappointment. As much as you feel sorry for your partner, there is that selfish part in them that is almost mad. It would be amazing if love could overcome every struggle but it’s an utopia, too many factors play into it. I feel like it’s one of those issues that is really hard to face for newlyweds for example. You’re young (sort of) and you just want to extend your family. For women I think the shock is crazy, being barren for a woman that wants children is the worst thing that could happen. I guess you can’t help but feel guilty towards your husband and then the inevitable “why me?” pops up. It’s just such a delicate debate. That part about tests was just so ignorant!! HIV and being barren. I mean child please!

  • KRenae

    The only problem that I have is when Brannue and Devale say they would leave their wife if she found out that she was barren.  Now I understand if she knew before you got married and didnt tell you. She was being deceitful.  But what if she didnt know and find out during your marriage.  Would you still leave?

    • SweetT

      I agree. The only thing I could think of was how cold-hearted that was. Infertility affects your ability to be a mother. It has no effect on your ability to be a good wife.

  • http://www.nykola.com/ Ambra Nykol

    I have a lot to say about this episode. Feel free to scroll down my essay/missive to the bottom points, ha.

    Some of my off the cuff thoughts…
    0) With the barren comments? All ya’ll can have a seat. Good luck finding a wife with that foolishness floating around on the Internet.

    1) So glad Laurence showed up. He seemed so enthusiastic to be there. Oh wait, he said he doesn’t want to get married?  Yeah it showed. Why was he even on this panel?

    2) I think this panel would’ve been better served with a better mix of married and non-married people. People opining on marriage who have never been married is ridonk. I never realized this until after I was married. Just like I never realized how ridiculous it is when child-less people try to speak intelligently about parenthood until I had a child.

    3) Of the non-marrieds on the panel, dude in the purple turtleneck has enough sense and seems ready and realistic about marriage. That’s about it for the panel. (Minus the baby/barren comments, but those were tragic across the board)

    4) Re: all the talk about going to the gym, etc. I agree you do need to have a relationship where you can be honest, but truly some of that stuff is indicative of someone who hasn’t been married too long. Deep relationship in marriage go beyond looks. The longer you are in covenant, the more you find yourself attracted to the very core of your spouse — the things beyond the looks — how she looks at you, her humor, the fact that she is the mother of your children, the fact that she cared for you in the hospital, the memories you’ve made, that face she makes when she’s tired, etc.)

    5) ”The main reason people are getting divorced is because of cheating.” = Ignorant statement of the month. Spoken like someone who has never been married. Good gracious go read a book or something. I don’t even think there are stats even CLOSE to supporting that claim. Is he serious with this foolishness?  Next.

    6) The answers to the question about if they’d leave their wife if she were barren are just entirely too hypothetical and very indicative of a lack of maturity in the panel (minus the one who said, “No”). Sounds real cool to say that in an interview, but in sickness and health is a real thing and you aren’t a real man or a partner if you would leave your wife for that, nor do you really know the definition of unconditional love or covenant. Just wow on that. Imagine if the roles were easily be reversed and the man were sterile. The men actually had me 100% on their side until that clunker at the end.

    7) I appreciate the honesty, but just because people are being honest, doesn’t mean they’re right. You can be honestly wrong on some things too.

    I have some issues with how the beginning of the discussion was framed with the question, ”How does the woman get the ring?”

    I’ll make my disclaimer — I’m 30, happily married and have been for nearly 6 years. Less anyone be discouraged or dismayed by this discourse, marriage is wonderful and my husband (also a black man) would say the same. Seriously one of the best decisions I ever made in life. Not for the squeamish. It’s no cake walk, but it’s a blast. We would both agree that our lives our enhanced since we’ve been married.

    The question “How do you get the ring?” is all wrong.
    Call me old school, but as a woman, I would never pursue a man or a ring nor do I feel it’s my place to do so. When I was single, my focus wasn’t on how to get the ring. My focus was on being a whole person — ensuring that I was an independent, mature, financially stable, emotionally healthy woman (who can at least cook SOMETHING) and who would be an ASSET in a marriage and not a liability. I would expect the same of a man trying to step. The pursuit of that activity alone I believe is attractive to men (and vice versa), and quite frankly, I believe men like the pursuit. I think it’s part of their genetic make up and when we try to reverse the pursuit, in my opinion, it reads as desperate. A woman who strongly desires to be married needs to be able to be 100% okay with just being by herself. Those are the people who make for healthy marriages —  not these women who are perpetually in some relationship, trying to get affirmation from a man, always complaining about wanting to be married.

    I can’t tell you how many of my friends met their husbands when they WEREN’T looking for him. That’s how it should be. We shouldn’t be selling ourselves. That is a major turn off to a man. One of the guys said it should be “exemplary.” That was an on point statement. What’s going to attract a man to a woman is her modeling the things that they want in a woman; not her SELLING herself.  This isn’t an auction or the club.  Also, learning to cook is a “GROWN woman” thing. Not a “get a man” thing. And might I suggest men learn to cook as well — at least know one main dish. If our body is supposed to be tight, your body should be too. But marriage goes beyond looks (and trust me, those things fade according to the world’s standards).

    The last thing I’ll address is the probably the saddest statement made in the whole episode: ”There is no benefit for a man to go from girlfriend to wife.” Here’s where it was clear that most people on that panel either weren’t ready for marriage, or don’t really understand it.  You aren’t doing a woman a favor by marrying her. And if you are, then you shouldn’t be married, and she shouldn’t want to be married to you. And if you’re a woman and you’ve left a man to believe that you’re giving up all the cookies, shacking up, playing house/wifey and giving all the benefits, doing everything possible to keep him content with the dating status quo, boo boo, you failed. Do not pass go, and go work on yourself, please.

    Marriage goes beyond sex, looks, and title. Some aspects can’t be understood until you’re there. But marriage is about relationship, joining your life with someone, being a part of each other’s dreams and goals, building a life together, potentially raising children, watching each other grow and mourn and rejoice, having a ride or die partner, being sharpened and refined, and being as close and in sync with another individual as humanly possible. Marriage should make you a better person and refine you. Despite what anyone tells you, the covenant/commitment you make at that altar takes things to another level in ways that are tough to describe with words — especially if you’re of the mind that divorce is not an option. Quite simply, marriage is like having more skin in the game.So let’s take the meat of the video and spit out the bones and other cringe-worthy (even if honest) comments made by the men.  Here’s what I’m hearing from the men throughout this video:

    1) You need to be intellectually stimulating. You need to be able to hold your own, have an opinion.

    2) You need to have a life of your own — a career, your own pursuits, your own goals and vision in life.

    3) You need to be a grown woman. Have your affairs in order, be financially responsible, be well-groomed, take care of your overall appearance, know how to keep and manage a household–clean, cook, you don’t have to be Paula Deen (and for his cholesterol’s sake, please don’t be), but it’d be nice if you know how to contribute in that area. (He might be a better cook than you, and that’s okay, but he wants to feel like you can run the house)

    4) You need to be fun. You need to be a partner in life in general. You need to be able to hold your own at a cocktail party, in the boardroom, and in the bedroom.

    5) You need to be a whole person, not needy, not chasing him down for marriage or more self-esteem.

    6) You need to be spiritually grounded. Believe in God or be seeking to know God.

    7) You need to to have his back and also be open to some type of definition of roles. He wants a partner, a team mate. Someone who will take his name and be ride or die. You’re in this together.

    And with all that, I can most certainly agree. All that other stuff…well…I’ll just say we appreciate the honesty. :-)

    • Nonya

      LOVE IT!!!!

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      You know I love you for your comments Ambra!! <3 

    • A F

      YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    • Labrown711

      Well thought out comment!!!! You should be the host or participant in the next series.

    • http://twitter.com/afrikanmami12 African Mami

      DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!! THEY SHOULD READ YOUR COMMENT and mine 2!

    • Roxxanna

      Love this comment.

    • Childfree Diva

      And let the church say “Yay-men!” Excellent summary!

    • lalaj

      soooo true, i agree with all of your points, very valid especially about being old fashioned and believing that men should pursue, becauz honestly women really do get classed as being ‘desperate’ when they chase/pursue men. Think that the only married one on the panel, his relationship with his wife seems very superficial to me very focused on the physical and always looking good. They should have you on Ask a Black women now lol

  • Lovely One

    Also, lets address the “patience” theory.  Women are too patient.  Men will have you waiting 10 years for marriage on the basis of this “patience” theory.  Cut the crap.

    SUGGESTION:  For the next series we should have a panel of two men to communicate their relationship ideals with two women. 

    • madamenoireviewer

      I’m kind of liking your suggestion. that would be interesting. 

    • Eva

       I feel you. I mean what if my time isn’t his time, why should I wait? If by the time I’m ready you’re not, then maybe you’re not right. I feel like too many women settle and wait, fearing that they won’t ever get married. I’d rather start over than get into something that probably wasn’t meant to be.

  • Lovely One

    “REALLY” just shut everything down! 
    LOL. 

    But one question that could have been asked is “What makes a
    man marriage material?” or “What are the attributes of a good man.”

    I think this question needs to be answered/addressed because
    the men have a lot of demands and we have no idea what they offer.  Besides Devale, who stated that he takes care
    of 100% of the bills, no other man cosigned that statement.  So already, the men are fine with letting go
    of the “traditional male = provider” standards while still holding women to the
    “cook and clean” standards.  It goes both
    ways.

    Overall, IMO, the problem with relationships in the black community is that
    black people (black men especially) tend to overvalue themselves, and this is
    partly our (BW) fault.  Black men should
    not be rewarded for (1) getting a bachelors degree (2) financial responsibility
    (3) taking care of your kids (4) not being a bum, etc.”  And BW should not be applauded for (1) taking
    care of their kids and (2) being independent, etc.  Generally, I feel like the bar for black
    people has been lowered so much that we applaud people for doing things that
    they should do/accomplish as an adult….which leads to overvaluing oneself.

    • Janelle

      Sad but true. You laid it out perfectly. Black men especially with the traits you mentioned have been elevated to the level of “pink unicorn.” No other race enjoys that status for having a bachelors and making some money. Makes no damn sense.

    • Candacey Doris

       Agreed! I’m not going to give someone props for doing what they SHOULD do. But I’m not going to get with anyone that feels he should be put on a pedestal for something any real man should do as a mater of course. Holing up my en isn’t something i regard as a reward though. It’s doing my part. A good family is one in which everyone does what they have to to make a happy family, right?

  • mochazina

    I was cool laughing & taking all this with a grain of salt until the uniformed ignorance regarding infertility came out.  

    First, no doctor will even think to start running TESTS (note the plural, because infertility can have myriad singular or multiple causes which have to be tested for seperately) until the couple has actively tried to conceive for over a year (under age 30, 6 months if over 30).  THEN and only then do things come to light.  

    Secondly, you mean to tell me these guys would just as equally accept their WIVES leaving them if it were found that they were the cause of the infertility?  I doubt it, but moving on.  

    Thirdly, you mean to tell me that these guys would abandon the woman they pledged to love honor and cherish because of something beyond her control?  And at a time where she’s feeling broken, betrayed by her own body, bamboozled by God (if she’s a believer), frustrated, hurt, and devalued as a woman?  

    Sirs, I’d like you all to please stand such that you may again have several seats.  _  _  _  _  _

    • Lovely One

      LOL @ uniformed ignorance.  LOL at the whole comment.  But I do agree with you.

    • http://www.nykola.com/ Ambra Nykol

      **STARTS THE SLOW CLAP**

    • JaneDoe

      Yes, hysterical

    • Candacey Doris

       I have to agree with this. Fertility is not something that can be controlled. Men an women both can have problems in that area. It’s not right for anyone to just leave if their partner is infertile. Just think of the issues! There are options, after all and if you really love someone, you’ll seek out those options.

    • Trish

      Ditto to the entire commit!!!!!

      • Trish

        Comment. Excuse that error : )

  • Janelle

    Devale made a point at the end that I feel got overlooked and a bit downplayed by the other men on the panel. He said if the ladies are looking for marriage, don’t look for a guy who’s chasing women, look for a guy who’s chasing career.

    Ladies, Devale speaks the truth.

    I’ve been open to dating other races since my mid-20s (I’m now in my mid-30s). Regardless of race, the man who has chased career is ready. Any man who’s still “potential” or hasn’t yet gotten his butt into gear to realize and exploit his own potential and be at the top of his field will not want marriage – you might barely get them to even want to date you seriously. I find men who’ve gotten that certification, advanced degree, or job title that says “I am A-game material and have worked hard for it” are more confident overall and more willing to spend some time on you.

    I’m always intrigued by how AA men lament about how sistahs don’t want to date a brother with potential. I just don’t hear that from other races. They know that they can play and chase girls all day while they have “potential” but if they ever hope to snag a quality woman of wife material, they need to bring something more to the table. Of course there are exceptions but overall I agree with what Devale is saying – it has never failed to be true for me.

    • JaneDoe

      Real talk,  I like that a lot.. Def something for me to think about when weeding out what will work for me and what absolutely does not..

    • Kimmie

      I loved this comment, I had a conversation with a group of friends recently and I put it like this. If I met a very well put together man and said “I know that I’m only a five now but just wait I’m about to grow my hair out, go to the gym, get a makeover, etc.” he would laugh in my face and say get at me when your done. Meanwhile AA men always want us to look them for “potential”. Actually what does potential mean??? It means you haven’t done it.

      • Ladybug94

        Exactly,  when I was in my twenties, the phrase “it will get greater later” was used a lot.  I have always hated that phrase and wish guys would quit saying dumb phrases like that especially when they no later will never come.

        • Ladybug94

          Oops, I meant “know”.

    • La Verite

      I think the reason that comment was downplayed is because it wasn’t rocket science, at least not for me. When Devale made that comment on his advice, my thought was “and…”. What man (at least unquestionably by age 25) doesn’t know “chase the money and the women will follow” or “you lose money when chasing women”? It’s basic m.o.b. code & can be pummeled into a man’s brain by simply listening to a hip hop verse. What grown woman doesn’t know that a man is more inclined to settle down & get married once he’s content with his level of success and is more financially stable? The only thing left for him to master at that point (outside of a relationship with GOD & self) WOULD BE his personal life (i.e. – wife and kids). Quite naturally, he would say to himself  “I’m successful in my professional life, now I feel prepared and confident enough to start a new legacy & work on my personal life & I’m ready to share my success with someone special & start a family”. That’s really just logical thinking. Anyone that has even watched a basic action movie knows this. What will the 2 common denominators ALWAYS be in the flick? Win the battle (beat your opponent) and get the girl (win over or rescue the woman)… and guess what? It’s always in that EXACT order. The man strategizes, conquers & completes his mission, & then (and ONLY then) he goes back for the girl at the end. Soooo my point is he didn’t say anything profound, he just stated the obvious in his own words. If you’re a woman & you are going after a guy who is chasing women PERIOD (nevermind him neglecting his career goals), you don’t need any advice, you need your head examined… & a prescription for some common sense. Now I’m not directing this towards you at all b/c you may have taken more from what he stated than the obvious nor am I judging Devale for making this statement but I just wanted to give my opinion on why the comment may have been pretty much ignored or “overlooked”.

      • Janelle

        I feel you La Verite and no offense taken. It’s common sense TO US. But a lot of other chicas? Not so much. Lots of dudes are living on potential because there’s no real motivation to be much else. Why chase college and career and (legitimate) money when you can still get the chicas? They make it hard on themselves and hard on everyone else. So that point bears repeating many times over.

  • tiffanybbrown

    sweet baby jesus on a jetski.

    i now understand why 43% of us are not married. we ain’t tryna deal with THIS mess.

    my sisters: please ignore this. all of it. every. last. bit. of. it. especially anything devale says, because he stays wrong about everything.

    your goal in getting married is simple. you want to find a man:

    1. who shares your values;
    2. whose awesome outweighs his issues; and
    3. who thinks your awesome outweighs your issues.

    the end.

    if your personalities click, and your values are shared, the rest of it can and will be worked out.

    it is PARAMOUNT that you understand that your happiness, interests, dreams, and goals are just as important as his. if he is good for you, he will understand that too and support them. that said:

    * you do not have to work out unless that’s what you do.
    * you do not have to cook, unless that’s what you do.
    * you do not have to clean, unless you’re into it.
    * you do not have to be religious, unless that’s your thing.
    * you do not have to want kids or have kids unless motherhood was actually your dream in life.
    * you do not have to let him be the head of anything except himself.

    do not bend and contort yourself into what these negroes say they want if it’s not what you want to do and be.

    i mean, you COULD do that. and you might even get married, but you will lose yourself and forget what happiness looks like. then you’ll be mad you wasted time with that negro instead of holding out for something better and more fulfilling.

    and i say this as a woman who:

    * is married.
    * doesn’t want kids and ain’t having them.
    * is an atheist.
    * is a feminist.
    * cooks, but does not clean.
    * works out when i feel like it.
    * has parents who have been married for over 40 years.
    * has in-laws who have been married for over 30 years.
    * has a mother and a mother in law who didn’t do and don’t do most of what these negroes want in a wife.

    EDITED TO ADD:

    oh and “be patient?” no sir! make your expectations known.

    i do not mean that you should pressure your man into popping the question. but if you think you might want to be with him forever, you should most definitely ask whether he wants the same, and talk about what that looks like. (i.e.: marriage? long term cohabitation? long term, long distance relationship? etc.)

    at least, that’s what worked for me.

    • Devale

      You know what, I have to admit Tiffany has it down to a science ladies. The way to get a man is to not care at all about your appearance, don’t care at all about his needs, dont be clean, tell them as soon as you meet him that you’re not having kids, and most importantly do not believe in God. You’ll have to chase the guys off with a stick!

      Forget Steve Harvey, Tiffany Brown you need to have your own book, movie and world tour.

      Next Season dont “Ask a Black Man”, “Ask a Feminist Atheist!”

      • A F

        You miss her point. If a woman doesn’t do all those things, that’s not necessarily wrong. She just will not be compatible with a man that DOES do and want all those things. She should NOT start doing these things to get a man; it’s not real. A woman should be HERSELF. There is a man out there that likes chilling on the sofa and eating takeout for the woman who likes chillin on the sofa and eating takeout. 

        And marriage should NOT be the goal; that seems to be the problem with your premise, Devale. It’s a phase in life (and it’s not for everyone). It’s a concept detailing how two people relate to each other. And it should encompass the very things she pointed out: shared values and mutual feeling that the other’s awesomeness outweighs their issues (love). She’s not wrong. This is coming from a married woman, who cooks, cleans, wants kids, tries to keep myself looks nice, etc., etc.

        • Devale

          I undertand what you are saying but the question was asked to us, “how would we tell women to get the ring?” So for that question marriage is the goal and we answered as such. In so many ways we are being blamed for our answers but they were in direct correlation with the questions asked.

          I have a problem with Tiffany because she constantly watches the episodes waiting for ONE thing she disagrees with and then rants about how bad the entire segment is. She then takes a quote (without explaining or understanding the context) and flips it into some diluted version of what I am trying to say. I merely did to her what she has done to me over and over and over again.

          Now to be absolutely honest, the women posting have ample time to write, delete, and rewrite their thoughts without interruption. We had to answer loaded questions, sometimes with one word answers, on the spot. Rather than taking my answers at face value and asking for deeper meaning, she finds it necessary to tell everyone what I meant as if she knows me personally. 

          Its easy to sit back, break down, and ctritique an edited version of a conversation between men that were asked direct questions. She doesn’t know which things were serious or which things were in jest. None of us claimed to be experts, we were just giving our opinions based on our life experience.

          • tiffanybbrown

            Rather than taking my answers at face value and asking for deeper
            meaning, she finds it necessary to tell everyone what I meant as if she
            knows me personally.

            i admit that i pick on things you say because i almost always disagree with them. like always. but in this case, i actually meant the “especially devale” line in jest.

            so in fairness, i will also throw some side-eye brannu’s way. consider it done.

          • Artscola

            Preach Brotha!

      • tiffanybbrown

        i’m married, so my approach has clearly worked.

        he is also not the first man who wanted to wife me. so there’s that, too. in fact, i’m still cool with that one’s mother. she even came to our wedding.

        still, i’m pretty amazed at the bang up job you did misinterpreting my words. i’ll distill my main points for you so they’re clear:

        * find the man who you love as he is, who loves you as you are, and who shares your values.
        * don’t change yourself unless that’s who you want to be.
        * work on or around everything else.

        your words are more telling than you realize too, son. it’s not about trying to “get a man.” it was and is about wanting to build a life with *this* one.

      • A. Marie

        Yep. You hit the nail on the head, Devale.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      I kind of agree with Tiff here. You’re ultimately going to have to find ONE man who you work well with as opposed to making yourself work for the likes of the 5 men on this panel, or the 17 men on this show, or the dozens of men you come across in life. You’re not marrying all of black male kind, or all of mankind–you’re marrying just one man (hopefully). That is the important thing to remember here, and at the end of watching and experiencing this season, that’s what I learned. I don’t have to be the woman that pleases the likes of the Devale’s, the Brannue’s, the Zarette’s, and all the Panama’s of the world. I just need to be able to click well with whomever is the Mr. Liz of the world. I know most people try to attempt to be ready for all men in to make their probability higher but It only takes one, ladies. Is it going to be tricky finding one to match you? You bet, but nothing worth it comes easy:) 

      PS. I can also attest to the fact that Tiffany is married to a very awesome, nice, wonderful, successful, Black man. So, there’s that :)

      • Eva

        I guess it comes down to what each and every man wants in a woman or is willing to settle for. What flies for certain men just doesn’t cut it for others. At some point you have to agree to disagree.

        • tiffanybbrown

          “settle” is such a harsh word. i don’t think anyone settles. you really just prioritize some things over others.

          • Eva

             I get that but prioritizing is kind of settling to me, if you’re willing to give in on some points (which we all are) then you’re settling, thus even if we know that perfection doesn’t exist

      • guest

        i wish i read this before i posted my comments

    • Santana_Jackson

      I wonder who wears the pants in this so called marriage!  LOL….   Ladies, you listen to this woman who is childless,who doesn’t clean, doesn’t work out obviously, A FEMINIST, and above all is an ATHEIST and see is your a** will ever get or keep a man.

      • tiffanybbrown

        i’ve been a feminist & an atheist my entire life and have never had a problem attracting male company. the question has always been whether i wanted to be bothered spending time with them

        now it does help that my husband is also a feminist, kinda ‘eh’ on the god question, and also doesn’t want children. in fact he’s more adamant about the latter point than i am, but not by much. it’s not a loss.re. who wears the pants: that’s just not the kind of marriage we have. we respect and trust each other because we have demonstrated our grownup tendencies and trustworthiness. there is nothing for either of us to run, lead, or be the head of. he’s my dude, my homie and my sidekick for shenanigans, not my boss. but if you really care, we’re both pretty public online. you can find out how he feels about me and marriage from his mouth. 

    • Jen

       You go girl! Seriously, the fact that your dissenters can’t get over the you being a feminist (oh the horror) and an atheist (again, the laughable horror) just showcases the maturity level of most of the posters and Devale. I really feel bad for his wife – a life of servitude is what that one is in for. I think I got an exact feeling of what kind of men these panelists were when the question about the last name came up. Gross and sexist. Oh well, at least the first episode was good. This show had potential…

  • JazzyJazzyJay

    Seems like these men (mainly Devale) is placing all blame on women.  So “good men” don’t make mistakes in marriage that could cause a woman to want a divorce??  Why is it that a woman has to be selfish to want a divorce but apparently she was selfish for wanting to get married in the first place??  Women are not the only ones who want love & marriage.  REAL men want the same thing.  It’s not a “woman thing” to want to get married.  It’s an adult thing & it’s natural to want that type of security with someone you love.  Being married & being bf & gf are completely different.  There is a sanctity in marriage. It’s a spiritual thing.  Not just a title on a piece of paper you both sign.  THAT is the reason for the high divorce rate.  Until these “real men” understand that, then there is absolutely no reason for them to be married in the first place.

  • Cocochanel31

    Amen Candecy Dorris! The majority of my male friends think like these guys and I notice there are so many double standards when it comes to men so I don’t get offended or let it bother me anymore. They want a woman who is a 10 but don’t want to have to pay the cost to be the boss to maintain her. The down to earth woman that will hold them down is not “their type” . Men are just as superficial and shallow as women if not moreso and again alot of their mindset is because they are young, dumb and fill of cu*m! All of these theories etc and wish lists start to change when a man has matured.

    The one brotha was right on point though when he said a man really starts to feel himself after he has become established w his house car, job etc and oftentimes can pull the ” 10 women” he couldnt in high school and will wild out a little..so instead of trying to change him women just need to figure out what “stage of life” a man is in, because eventually a good man will grow out of it, but all men aren’t good no matter what age they are so we just gotta be on top of things at all times ladies!

  • Treacle234

    The guy said “If a man likes doing something that he doesn’t get paid for, he expects his woman to do it.” This is a nonsensical reasoning, working out does not help anyone stay or get in shape. What and how much you eat is what truly matters. Maintain a balance varied diet and your weight would be fine.

    • Candacey Doris

       Incorrect. For some a balanced diet is not enough because of the way their body handles nutrients.

  • Candacey Doris

    This just confirms my plans for the future. Finish school and buy my own house. I don’t need to get married and I sure as hell won’t be ‘pressuring’ anyone to do it. If you feel pressure to marry anyone, you shouldn’t marry them. You can’t build a happy home off of pressure. You sure can’t build a faithful relationship off pressure.

     I also see how they feel that women want to keep their money and have their man’s too. But that’s part of a man’s fault too. You didn’t consider this personality trait when you were going own your mile long list?

    Faithfulness is really important and I’m not surprised that you guys thin it’s an option if you feel she’s not ‘upholding her end of the bargain’. What if there’s kids in the bargain? You got married, had kids, and she gains weight or isn’t paying as much attention to you is that still okay? Why is that okay? I was hoping that question would get asked, but if you guys read this, can you answer that?

    If you’re dating Kim Kardashian types guys, you need to reconsider that list. Women who are real (no hood rats and no princesses) don’t want to be given everything, we want a partner. If he makes less, that’s ok because he holds it own in other ways.

    Men, you say women change, you all change too! Or worse, you act like you did when you were single because you feel she’s not going anywhere.

    I appreciate this video since i can see exactly what a large group of men think though. Even if i disagree with some of it. I hope we can get some older guys that have been married for a long time (say 10+ years) for the next series of videos. Nothing against these younger guys, you guys did good, but some really experienced guys are necessary for us ladies to get some experienced opinions.

    • Devale

      Hey Candace! I’m glad you asked those questions because as you saw I didn’t get a chance to finish my thought. I asked “if a woman is not willing to do her part in the relationship, is she worth being faithful to?” I wanted to follow that up by saying that is why some men fear marriage. The thought of being locked in to one intimate partner is alot for a young man. Breaking up with your girlfriend if she is not willing to compromise or dating multiple women seems be easier. 

      My wife and I had a son last year and the dynamic of our relationship changed drastically. My son became #1 priority to my wife and myself, but we worked through minor issues because we were prepared for that. Alot of these questions were based on one particular situation (we only had an hour) but I know my answers would change based on the circumstance.

      I agree whole heartedly with your statment about men changing. My friends and I made a pact that we would always check each other if we started to let ourselves go. lol. It isn’t fair to a woman either if a man doesn’t keep up with his appearance or continue to show his wife how special she is throughout the marriage. I agree that men often neglect the “courting” aspect of the relationship once marriage and kids happen. My wife is very direct with me when I slip up in this category.

      Hope this answered your question.

      • Candacey Doris

        A woman that really loves her man will do what she needs to keep a relationship alive. So guys need to ask themselves, does she love me or is she here for the money/fame/kids. Again, these are things you should  consider before the ring went on that finger. I understand what your saying, I’ve seen it in action (older brothers) but it sucks as a woman just starting to think about finding someone for the long haul.

    • tiffanybbrown

      “Men, you say women change, you all change too! Or worse, you act like
      you when you were single because you feel she’s not going anywhere.”

      Say it again for the cheap seats please.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Love your feedback and thoughts Candacey, thanks!! 

  • Guest

    lol its 2012…this boy got on a purple turtleneck…

  • Cocochanel31

    I enjoyed the series as well and for the next panel would definetly like to see some older , wiser, more mature men and for the “Marriage ” series, it doesn’t do us much good if only one person on the panel is actually married and the rest are giving their perspective on what they THINK marriage is from a single man’s viewpoint, when in actuality, unless you are married or have been married you really don’t know what it’s like and your frame of references is not going to be accurate.

     I am glad HAPPILY MARRIED mentioned age and maturity, I agree that most young people in their 20′s women, included are still trying to figure all this relationship BS out AND HOPEFULLY with age and maturity comes WISDOM. Your views on relationships and marriage SHOULD NOT be the same at 20 as they are at 30..35..40 etc..I think that’s why the women loved the brotha Demetrius I think his name was because he was older and wiser and just “got it” .

    All in all great idea and to answer Liz’s question maybe you can do Ask a Black Woman for male viewers, just not sure how many male viewers MN has, however, after this series I’m sure between cast members and their boys you will have more than usual tuning in for it. Also a good idea would be to open it up as a panel discussion and maybe have men and women on the panel  “The Conversation” Style ( reference Hill Harpers book) that way we can bridge the gender miscommunication gap.

    All in all good stuff can’t wait to see what else MN has to give us!

  • Cocochanel31

    I enjoyed the series as well and for the next panel would definetly like to see some older , wiser, more mature men and for the “Marriage ” series, it doesn’t do us much good if only one person on the panel is actually married and the rest are giving their perspective on what they THINK marriage is from a single man’s viewpoint, when in actuality, unless you are married or have been married you really don’t know what it’s like and your frame of references is not going to be accurate.

     I am glad HAPPILY MARRIED mentioned age and maturity, I agree that most young people in their 20′s women, included are still trying to figure all this relationship BS out AND HOPEFULLY with age and maturity comes WISDOM. Your views on relationships and marriage SHOULD NOT be the same at 20 as they are at 30..35..40 etc..I think that’s why the women loved the brotha Demetrius I think his name was because he was older and wiser and just “got it” .

    All in all great idea and to answer Liz’s question maybe you can do Ask a Black Woman for male viewers, just not sure how many male viewers MN has, however, after this series I’m sure between cast members and their boys you will have more than usual tuning in for it. Also a good idea would be to open it up as a panel discussion and maybe have men and women on the panel  “The Conversation” Style ( reference Hill Harpers book) that way we can bridge the gender miscommunication gap.

    All in all good stuff can’t wait to see what else MN has to give us!

    • Janelle

       I agree with you…I would like to see some older perspectives also.

      However, I believe it was Liz who said in an earlier comment that these are the men AA women are chasing. And, consequently getting frustrated over because the ladies want marriage but these guys don’t (some never and some just not right now).

      Yes, it would be great to hear different perspectives. But I’m not sure how that changes the perspective of women in the 20s/30s dating guys EXACTLY like the ones on the panel and then calling them immature – AND not wanting to consider white, asian, jewish or another other group of men who actually ARE ready for marriage.

      It’s not fair, but the guys are right – there are more women to men. AA men can get away with a lot because they already have a large pool to choose from and one who continues to be fixated on them even when they’re not giving them what they want from AA men.

      Expand your options ladies. We’re not completely invisible – there are suitors of other races interested, but they’re not going to bother when they know black women won’t give them the time of day. And we won’t get what we want from black men either if we continue limiting our options. Just sayin.’

       

      • really?

        agree 100%. if there are any “nuthin’ but a brotha” sisters remaining out there after watching this , God be with you, don’t know what else to tell ya.

      • Cocochanel31

        I agree we should definetly expand our options, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking other races of men are perfect and don’t have their issues too, nor are they flocking en masse to marry women outside of their culture , especially sisters. In certain cultures its still taboo to marry a black woman,we are okay to date and take to bed, but they NOT trying to see us married to one of their own. Not to mention cultural barriers interracial dating brings, I love everyone, but I really don’t have time to be explaining Martin jokes to anyone or why I wrap my hair at night…. 

        As women we just need to figure out where men are at in their life regardless of race/class ( on the playa scale – most of these men, even the married ones, are still in play mode) and then decide to just walk away.

    • Twilliamsg

      I think these men left out a key word, men need respect. They kinda came at it from different angles but perhaps were afraid to say it?

  • Happily Married

    I’ve watched all the episodes and I absolutely love the fact that you’re confronting relationship issues we’ve all talked about.  Hearing directly from brothers is great but I noticed though that most of the panelist are at or under the age of 30. The relationship maturity level is drastically different when you’re well into your 30s and from personal experience I THANK GOD that I did not marry when I was in my 20s because you’re still figuring out who you are as a single person.  And so it’s with this I give my only criticism of this show and that is some of the comments I’ve heard (Ex. If your wife doesn’t work out and keep herself up, is she still worth being faithful to?  A woman who “pays her own bills” or takes good care of business NOT a selling point.) are a reflection of relationship/emotional immaturity of the panel. A more mature person knows that men “fall off” and “get comfortable” after marriage too AND having a woman who COMES TO the marriage financially self-sufficient is an asset to her husband, especially in this economy.   The one married guy on the panel is obnoxious (and I’m being polite).  *praying for his wife* LOL  No but…I would love to see a panel that mixes married brothers in the mid to late 30s early 40s and compare their panel answers to these guys.  I bet there will be a big difference.  Please consider this for next season.

  • Happily Married

    I’ve watched all the episodes and I absolutely love the fact that you’re confronting relationship issues we’ve all talked about.  Hearing directly from brothers is great but I noticed though that most of the panelist are at or under the age of 30. The relationship maturity level is drastically different when you’re well into your 30s and from personal experience I THANK GOD that I did not marry when I was in my 20s because you’re still figuring out who you are as a single person.  And so it’s with this I give my only criticism of this show and that is some of the comments I’ve heard (Ex. If your wife doesn’t work out and keep herself up, is she still worth being faithful to?  A woman who “pays her own bills” or takes good care of business NOT a selling point.) are a reflection of relationship/emotional immaturity of the panel. A more mature person knows that men “fall off” and “get comfortable” after marriage too AND having a woman who COMES TO the marriage financially self-sufficient is an asset to her husband, especially in this economy.   The one married guy on the panel is obnoxious (and I’m being polite).  *praying for his wife* LOL  No but…I would love to see a panel that mixes married brothers in the mid to late 30s early 40s and compare their panel answers to these guys.  I bet there will be a big difference.  Please consider this for next season.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      You make some interesting claims here. Who on the panel (and where on the show) did a guy claim “If your wife doesn’t work out and keep herself up” she is not worth being faithful to? I’m not sure I remember any of the men advocating cheating if your wife is not in the gym….let alone advocating cheating at all.  I just want to make sure we’re all listening and not projecting here.

      • Devale2

        I remember posing a question to the single men along those lines but no one advocated cheating at all. To my point, I felt being direct to get what you need in a realtionship is the perfect way to avoid such behavior.

        • Ladybug94

          That’s obviously young guy stuff.  I have a friend in his early 50s who looks like he’s in his 30s.  He’s been working out for over 25 years.  He is in better shape and more physically fit than alot of guys in their 20s.  He does however, date women who don’t go to the gym and he’s even dated some the most would consider a little pudgy.  I think when people mature mentally a lot of things change.

      • Devale2

        I remember posing a question to the single men along those lines but no one advocated cheating at all. To my point, I felt being direct to get what you need in a realtionship is the perfect way to avoid such behavior.

      • tiffanybbrown

        “If your wife doesn’t work out and keep herself up” she is not worth being faithful to?

        devale. that’s who said it.

        he didn’t say “it’s okay to cheat if your wife doesn’t work out.” but when they were discussing being faithful, he said “what if she doesn’t go to the gym” or some such as an example of where a woman might fall down in her “marital obligations.”

        he was quickly given the screwface by the other men on the panel.

        now, i could be wrong though because i’m not trying to sit through this twice to find out whether i was right. but that’s how i remember it.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          Hmmm. Still not sold if he said it’s okay to cheat if she didn’t hold up to her marital obligations (on being in the gym or otherwise) but I will not rule it out cuz it is soooooo possible the words came out of his mouth LOL! 

          I haven’t seen the extended cut in a while so I’ll keep an eye one it when I watch it later today and come back here with my conclusion LOL. 

          • Devale

            I posed a question to the panel. Zarrette and I were discussing telling a woman about your needs. He expressed that after a while a man shouldn’t have to tell her about his needs, she should just know. My exact word were “is a woman worth being faithful to, if she knows your needs and just doesn’t want to do the things necessary to keep you happy in the relationship?”  Lela interjected to get Laurence’s opinion and then we moved on. 

            My point was this, in a relationship women want committment. But committment isn’t just given if you are not willing to work for it. And if I’m in a relationship where my needs are not being met I’d rather be forceful in telling her than doing what often happens when a person is unhappy.

            I never once said it was okay to cheat and neither did any of the guys. Brannue even said later that he’d rather be direct with what he wants before he stepped out and I agreed. Tiffany get a life. I will not let you put words in my mouth. 

            • Ladybug94

              You should not step out regardless of what is going on or not going on.  Young people..If you’re gonna step out just go on a get a divorce.  Morals seems to be a little lax in this day and age anyway.  Sigh.

            • Happily Married

              You’re right. You did not say it was okay to cheat, I never said that you did. Your statement however suggests marriage fidelity as something conditional, and it’s not.  Maturity simply says that if your needs are not being met then leave.  You may want to play that back though ’cause there was a serious pause
              from the other panelists like “DAM#” before Lela moved on.  LOL

              Hey, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and  I’m not trying to zone in on you or your viewpoint (because I referenced other examples of statements). 

              I’m just suggesting that there be offered some variation in the panel for the next season. Some youthful late 30s, early 40s brothers–single, married, divorced who can answer the same questions that you were posed so the obvious differences  (that I suspect there will be) can be heard and compared.

              Tis all.

            • MarriedandHappy

              Expecting another person to “just know” your needs is setting yourself up for failure. People are not mind readers. And over time, your needs and her needs will change. Keep the lines of communication open if you want your marriage or relationship to grow and mature over time. As far as getting your needs met, if that’s how you feel, you’re going to be lonely, a lot. At some point you have to get over the mines and hers mentality and reach the ours mentality. Each person is responsible for meeting their own needs as well as the needs of their partner. It has to be a partnership. If all you’re doing is worrying about your needs, you’re going to be a taker in the relationship, it’s going to always be a battle being her needs vs your needs, and it’s not going last.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      You make some interesting claims here. Who on the panel (and where on the show) did a guy claim “If your wife doesn’t work out and keep herself up” she is not worth being faithful to? I’m not sure I remember any of the men advocating cheating if your wife is not in the gym….let alone advocating cheating at all.  I just want to make sure we’re all listening and not projecting here.

  • Bmckoy

    Love this!!

  • Bmckoy

    Love this!!

  • Jennieo23

    Loooove this! Finally real talk from men. Not women arguing with men about what men should want. Thank you 4 this, lol!

  • Jennieo23

    Loooove this! Finally real talk from men. Not women arguing with men about what men should want. Thank you 4 this, lol!

    • Janelle

       For real. I hope Madame Noire NEVER EVER does a series called “Ask a Black Woman.” We spend enough time at happy hours and church picnics lamenting the state of dating. And last I checked 70% of us are still unmarried. I’m learning so much from these guys – don’t always like it but I’m putting it to use.

      • Kimmie

        I sooo agree, in society women are encouraged to express their emotions verbally (even female infants on average begin speaking before males), however, men are told to keep their emotions/thoughts inside; even more so for black men. Most of the time people preach that communication is the key to any successful relationship but, as many of the comments prove many of us women (i did not say ALL) only like communication when the man is listening attentively to us and when they do speak say only what we want to hear. 

  • really?

    i don’t know if i’m allowed to do this but i wanted to touch on a few things about the whole season. bear with me, no class today or tomorrow so i got time on my hands, LOL.

    first and foremost, thanks to Liz and MN and all the guys for doing this, really was an eyeopener. second, i’m gonna go ahead and apologise to anyone i offend with my statements,this is just my 2 cents. also, this is gonna be long, so Liz please don’t moderate me!

    i generally believe that people reveal themselves in one way or another by their words , choice of words, actions and reactions, so even if these brothas are being “lighthearted” i believe this is what they think in some way or another, so if you think some women are taking this too seriously in the comments you might wanna skip this one, i’m dead serious.

    a few points;

    1) having watched all the episodes and read most of the comments i can feel the disappointment from the ladies,but i need to clarify one thing.i may be speaking for myself here but i think we share this sentiment; we are not disheartened by the honesty or the way it is conveyed,-not at all,what  we are disheartened by is the lack of maturity, depth and mostly lack of GROWTH reflected in the men’s comments.the dudes will tell you this is how all men think (all races) but i beg to differ. it seems other groups of men mature and grow up faster, because they wean themselves of this mindframe that seems to have imprisoned AA men. as men get older they realise that they need to make a conscious effort towards things with shortterm losses but longterm benefits ,so they don’t have to be pushed into marriage like George 2.0 or Devale stated, they move toward these things on their own.this is something we would hope to see in AA men.the same issue was brought up  in the 1st episode and Panama replied and said having a daughter changed things and matured him, but kids are usually had after marriage,(so it begs the question why have kids before you are ready and mature but thats another topic) so if you’re maturing for events 1 and 2 (marriage and kids) after  event  2 forces you to do so but you haven’t gone through event 1…i think you see where i am going.

    2) one viewer on the very first episode expressed the need to know the backgrounds of these men but unfortunately she was almost pumelled to death by a Panama-VSB fan (shorty you still alive?) and although i see how and why that would have been difficult, i have to agree with her.
    if there was one question i would’ve liked to have the answer to it’s “did you grow up in a single or two-parent home?” esp for the 4th episode. whether people like this or not ,children learn how to be in a relationship when they watch you, their parents. this is why i cringe when people say kids don’t need 2 be had after marriage (yes people divorce but at least the child has some sort of foundation) or “i grew up in a single-parent home but i turned out ok” . you went to college , good. how are you doing in relationships? i would like to ask Devale and George (they are the only ones who i know for sure grew up in a 2-parent home on that panel), “if we were to ask your dad if he thought it was realistic for a woman to have s*x with her husband whenever he wanted it what do you think he would say? and after watching your own parents growing up do you think what you ask for is realistic?”

    3)in an earlier episode the men talked about women not wanting to be there for the struggle, about how women just want you when you’re successful but they don’t  want you before you’ve made the money. Brannue talked about how men want to go through a stage where they “get it out of their system” (i assume he’s talking about sleeping with numerous women) and this usually happens after a man has made his money and feels like a man . well having said all that, do you understand why black women might not want to get with you before success? why should i invest my emotions and love you when all you’re going to do in the end is leave me when things are good to “get it out of your system”??? you’ve wasted my emotions and my good years! i might as well just save myself (and my body count) for a man who has gone through that and is ready for marriage.

    i feel all the other stuff has already been mentioned in the previous threads. again, sorry for the long post.

  • really?

    i don’t know if i’m allowed to do this but i wanted to touch on a few things about the whole season. bear with me, no class today or tomorrow so i got time on my hands, LOL.

    first and foremost, thanks to Liz and MN and all the guys for doing this, really was an eyeopener. second, i’m gonna go ahead and apologise to anyone i offend with my statements,this is just my 2 cents. also, this is gonna be long, so Liz please don’t moderate me!

    i generally believe that people reveal themselves in one way or another by their words , choice of words, actions and reactions, so even if these brothas are being “lighthearted” i believe this is what they think in some way or another, so if you think some women are taking this too seriously in the comments you might wanna skip this one, i’m dead serious.

    a few points;

    1) having watched all the episodes and read most of the comments i can feel the disappointment from the ladies,but i need to clarify one thing.i may be speaking for myself here but i think we share this sentiment; we are not disheartened by the honesty or the way it is conveyed,-not at all,what  we are disheartened by is the lack of maturity, depth and mostly lack of GROWTH reflected in the men’s comments.the dudes will tell you this is how all men think (all races) but i beg to differ. it seems other groups of men mature and grow up faster, because they wean themselves of this mindframe that seems to have imprisoned AA men. as men get older they realise that they need to make a conscious effort towards things with shortterm losses but longterm benefits ,so they don’t have to be pushed into marriage like George 2.0 or Devale stated, they move toward these things on their own.this is something we would hope to see in AA men.the same issue was brought up  in the 1st episode and Panama replied and said having a daughter changed things and matured him, but kids are usually had after marriage,(so it begs the question why have kids before you are ready and mature but thats another topic) so if you’re maturing for events 1 and 2 (marriage and kids) after  event  2 forces you to do so but you haven’t gone through event 1…i think you see where i am going.

    2) one viewer on the very first episode expressed the need to know the backgrounds of these men but unfortunately she was almost pumelled to death by a Panama-VSB fan (shorty you still alive?) and although i see how and why that would have been difficult, i have to agree with her.
    if there was one question i would’ve liked to have the answer to it’s “did you grow up in a single or two-parent home?” esp for the 4th episode. whether people like this or not ,children learn how to be in a relationship when they watch you, their parents. this is why i cringe when people say kids don’t need 2 be had after marriage (yes people divorce but at least the child has some sort of foundation) or “i grew up in a single-parent home but i turned out ok” . you went to college , good. how are you doing in relationships? i would like to ask Devale and George (they are the only ones who i know for sure grew up in a 2-parent home on that panel), “if we were to ask your dad if he thought it was realistic for a woman to have s*x with her husband whenever he wanted it what do you think he would say? and after watching your own parents growing up do you think what you ask for is realistic?”

    3)in an earlier episode the men talked about women not wanting to be there for the struggle, about how women just want you when you’re successful but they don’t  want you before you’ve made the money. Brannue talked about how men want to go through a stage where they “get it out of their system” (i assume he’s talking about sleeping with numerous women) and this usually happens after a man has made his money and feels like a man . well having said all that, do you understand why black women might not want to get with you before success? why should i invest my emotions and love you when all you’re going to do in the end is leave me when things are good to “get it out of your system”??? you’ve wasted my emotions and my good years! i might as well just save myself (and my body count) for a man who has gone through that and is ready for marriage.

    i feel all the other stuff has already been mentioned in the previous threads. again, sorry for the long post.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it :) Definitely some things to think about when we plan a new season. I appreciate everyone who took the time to watch all episodes, and the extended cuts and engage in conversation. 

      On a separate note, can anybody tell me why they think “Ask A Black Woman” would be interesting to them? I feel like I talk to my girlfriends about love sex and marriage all the time….so why would I want to hear some other ladies I don’t know talk about it? :) What kind of women are you looking to hear from? I have a bias against the concept of that show because it doesn’t sound as interesting to me but….my ears are open and I am always pitching web series ideas for MN so somebody sell me on this! lol. 

      • really?

        it might be interesting to know what black  women think about other black women. i myself love my sisters but i am fed up with quite a few of them.

      • really?

        it might be interesting to know what black  women think about other black women. i myself love my sisters but i am fed up with quite a few of them.

      • Nonya

        I would be interested to hear from women of different age groups (mid 20′s to mid 40′s say) single, married, divorced, mother, career woman, home maker.

        • Kwright35

          Now I love that idea!!

      • Janelle

        I think it’s pointless. It will be a b***h fest like every other show I’ve seen with black women talking about dating and marriage. Keep the brothas coming. Women need to hear this – AA women in particular.

        The only thing I would say is to mix up the diversity perhaps in one future episode and bring on dudes from other cultures (maybe some African men or black men who’ve grown up outside of the U.S.). I suspect some things will be the same and some different. That would be interesting to see.

        I’m not interested in hearing from black women (in part, because I am one). Sorry. 70% OOW kids + 70% unmarried = nothing to teach me about how to find a good guy to marry and have a family with. Just my opinion.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          Yeah….nobody has sold me on WHY we should want to hear from other black women about love, sex and dating. Especially women via a casting call. We do this all the time in our homes, work, school, with our friends, etc. I’ll keep thinking on what could make it unique and interesting but so far I’m still not sold. 

          • Janelle

            From comments I’ve read, sounds like women feel they need to school these “boys” on how to be “men.” Hate to say it, but sounds to me like the “boys” have already figured us out and are taking it all the way to the bank. It’s a nice hustle AA men have going there. LOL! Not mad at you.

            I’m originally African and grew up seing African women dating men of other races all of the time. I’m sort of surprised to learn recently (through stats on the news and that book “Is Marriage for White People”) how bad the situation is for AA women. I had no idea.

          • tiffanybbrown

            i got some reasons…

            1. men need to hear what black women *ACTUALLY* want from them. because from what i’ve seen THESE dudes say, they still think that women want thugged out millionaires. no. we don’t. now i’m not sure dudes would flock here to watch such a thing. but i think that’s valuable, nonetheless.

            2. it’s nice to hear — from older women especially — what they would do differently with regard to relationships. what advice would they give? if they could live life over, would they still get married and/or have children?

            3. i’m curious to know whether black women are actually rejecting marriage and why? we assume that black women all want to get married. i know a few who are REMARKABLY ambivalent about it, myself included.

            i don’t know if a casting call would be the right format, but i’m sure you know (of) enough black women who could make such a panel amazing!

            • Eva

               No woman wants a broke man, let’s be real. Some of us, if we fall in love, will settle for it. I’m not looking for a millionaire. If you were pursuing me and that you had no money I wouldn’t disregard you because of that. But showing me that you can take care of yourself means that you could take care of a household. I just want to be sure that you would be able to provide. I’m independent, his money doesn’t define me. If we’re not looking for money, we’re definitely not running from it.

            • http://lizburr.com Liz

              ehh. But men don’t come to this site lol. Not on purpose. So that’s why it’s moot for me. Sure, I think black men need to hear from women about such things, but putting such a show on a women’s lifestyle site is not going to educate the masses of men. hence why i’m not sold. sure, i get why these conversations are important to have…but meh. 

              Several people were all ready to pick apart these men, I don’t think everyone would be hands off on the women of a similar show.  I’ll think it over some more…

              • Aisha

                I would like to hear from older married women, not necessarily in response to the “Ask a Black Man” Series put of their accord. What has the experience of marriage been? What have they learned along the way? What can they share with younger women collectively? In what ways is marriage what they did or didn’t imagine? What has been surprising? Sure, many of us have extended women family who share their advice and experience, but I think there is great value in hearing information from women to whom we are not related.

              • Lightbulb

                To reiterate what @tiffanybbrown:disqus stated as her #2 point, it would be nice to hear older/experienced women give advice.
                I read a letter that Phylicia Rashad wrote to her 20yr old self and it was very insiteful. How great would it be to learn from the mistakes and successes of experienced/respectable women. “If I knew then what I know NOW” type of webisode.

            • kiam

              yes from the older women because most of these young women these days are soooo confused

          • Intricateoptimist

             I think that the fact that no one is “sold” on why we need to hear from black women foments -in my mind- exactly that we do. These men have many, many opinions, expectations, standards that they want us to meet but, make no mention of why they are *worth* it (yes I said it)…. I think that “Ask a Black Woman” is a great idea because black men dont quite seem to “get it”.

            You know, black women have varied opinions just like men.. There may be a good, bad, regular, inbetween and all around girl that can really lay it all out for anyone who is watching.

            Like women , “Ask a Black Woman” could be much more dynamic and interesting that than “Ask a Black Man”.. We could start seeing some of the acknowledgment among black women that – here goes- it may be time to find a good/great man period, rather than a good/great black man specifically.

            I think all through our history we have struggled, helped, cooked, nursed, taken care of,loved and hated -in many situations- all for someone else at our peril. We need to hear from black women b/c in many ways we are all we have…

            • past, present, and future

              what you are saying is cute but unrealistic in the sense that yes we have nurtured the world, but this is not a competition.  we got jobs, went to school, became “independent” and it killed our community. 

              • A F

                You got the game allll wrong. Women’s independence did NOT kill the Black community.

              • Intricateoptimist

                 Frankly… I think self hatred, stupidity and, societal exclusion damaged our community. Moreover our community is not dead… Case in point- Barack Obama

            • MALLARY FRIERSON

              thats my point exactly. what are the dudes in the video doing to improve their appeal to AA women. just spewing about how they want their perfect woman checklist met is not interesting to me in the least

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73300054 V. Nacole Wade

            Well, men also talk about the topics presented in these episodes amongst themselves.  What made you want to give the AABM series a chance?

        • liam

          lol, you don wanna here from African men from Africa, their demands are waaaay higher and most african women do not agree with their demand for submission

      • Tanesha

        Liz, I dont think an “Ask a Black Woman” series is necessary; however, I do think a battle of the sexes session would be interesting.  I would like to hear these same topics discussed between a panel of both professional men and women.  Also, I think there should be men and women who range in ages 25-45.  I think that would allow for various opinions and a broader perspective. I know many of the women loved Demetrius in episode 2, for he brought a more mature perspective to the series.

        • Trish

          Definitely agree with this comment. The host was good at moderating the questions but because it was Ask a Black Man there was no women’s perspective. I think a lot of misconceptions and opinions might change if a diverse (age, career, etc) group of AA women and men can have these discussions. I hated how Devale constantly made it seem that ALL women want this and ALL women want that, no some or maybe even most of us want to workout and be a good wife and mother all on our own. Overall good series but a unisex series might be better.

          Lastly the barren question. Most women believe that they are able to have children. We won’t know that we’re incapable of conceiving until we plan on having a child and have been unsuccessful. So the “barren test” that was discussed would be something a woman would most likely be concerned with after she’s married and she and her husband are preparing for children.

      • Crystal

        I would love to hear from a couple.  Ask A Black Couple would be great!! We could get the POV of couples who have been together preferably for years and get a perspective based on reality and from both sides.

      • MALLARY FRIERSON

        You dont wanna hear from black women you dont know, but you dont mind hearing from black MEN you dont know?? I think a black women centered show would be good and have the lady focus on the problems of black men. why are black men not marrying? why do people(men and women) ask a woman why she is not yet married, but rarely ask a man the same question. People can come up with a million articles about what women need to do and change, what are you telling black men to do and change?? it seems to me that the articles want the women to be perfect but the men can sub-standard. Focus on the side that typically does the proposing of marriage because the problem usually lies on that side! LOL

        • MALLARY FRIERSON

          oh! and i was raised in a traditional two parent home with my three siblings and i will say the way that a lot of men are brought up these days with a bunch of nonsense and the girls are taught to accept mess. doesnt really surprise me that the community is in the state that its in. mothers trying to be mom/dad and fathers are not in the picture.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it :) Definitely some things to think about when we plan a new season. I appreciate everyone who took the time to watch all episodes, and the extended cuts and engage in conversation. 

      On a separate note, can anybody tell me why they think “Ask A Black Woman” would be interesting to them? I feel like I talk to my girlfriends about love sex and marriage all the time….so why would I want to hear some other ladies I don’t know talk about it? :) What kind of women are you looking to hear from? I have a bias against the concept of that show because it doesn’t sound as interesting to me but….my ears are open and I am always pitching web series ideas for MN so somebody sell me on this! lol. 

    • Miss Anonymous

      I agree with everything you said except for #2. I think when
      most people talk about the single parent vs two parent home they talk about how
      the parents treat each other. There are so many people my age that believe that
      as long as they stay with their husband/wife that the kids will be okay when
      their not because I have been in school with them and their relationships make
      you wonder if maybe the parents shouldn’t have stayed together. I have a cousin
      that feels she is better than the other because she “married her baby daddy”. What
      she doesn’t include in her statement is that he deserted her completely when
      she had their first born and couldn’t walk, he only claims their second born
      because he is “light like him” and how he cheated on her with a 16 year old
      girl and moved her into their house and was sexing her on their bed. She grew
      up in a two parent home like me but her father cheated on her cancer stricken
      mother. Its so sad that many my age (24) feel that as long as they together it
      will make them and their kids look good because they aren’t a single parent.
      The man can cheat, have outside children, beat their butt and bring home STDs
      but at least their not a single mother or a “woman who didn’t let her man do as
      he pleased” divorcee. *read last line with sarcasm* STDs are real and walking around looking like a raccoon aint whats up.

    • Miss Anonymous

      I agree with everything you said except for #2. I think when
      most people talk about the single parent vs two parent home they talk about how
      the parents treat each other. There are so many people my age that believe that
      as long as they stay with their husband/wife that the kids will be okay when
      their not because I have been in school with them and their relationships make
      you wonder if maybe the parents shouldn’t have stayed together. I have a cousin
      that feels she is better than the other because she “married her baby daddy”. What
      she doesn’t include in her statement is that he deserted her completely when
      she had their first born and couldn’t walk, he only claims their second born
      because he is “light like him” and how he cheated on her with a 16 year old
      girl and moved her into their house and was sexing her on their bed. She grew
      up in a two parent home like me but her father cheated on her cancer stricken
      mother. Its so sad that many my age (24) feel that as long as they together it
      will make them and their kids look good because they aren’t a single parent.
      The man can cheat, have outside children, beat their butt and bring home STDs
      but at least their not a single mother or a “woman who didn’t let her man do as
      he pleased” divorcee. *read last line with sarcasm* STDs are real and walking around looking like a raccoon aint whats up.

      • really?

        ok, yes i agree it is about how 2 people treat each other. this is how kids learn to be in a relationship, this is why people tell you if you wanna know how he  will treat you watch how his dad treats his mom.why do you think kids who are abused often grow up to be abusers themselves? GIGO.

        when i talk about having kids inside a marriage i’m talking about doing it the way the rest of the world does it. get to know somebody, get married, wait a while and THEN have kids. the reason for this arrangement is because there is a modicum of planning and really getting to know your spouse before you jump the broom and subsequently before you have kids. this gives you time and opportunity to make the right decisions and/bail if you need to.

        there is thought and planning involved.

        when people have kids oow 90% of the time this isn’t planned. this is 2 people who were playing and then bam! moma has her baby and dad decides no to stick around. i don’t have to tell you kids in the black community are suffering because of this.

        the example you gave me of your cousin who married her baby dady is exactly what im talking about. if she hadn’t had that kid she could have moved on to a better man . this is not about titles, this is about implementing thought and planning in our daily lives in order to avoid messy sh*t you don’t have to go through.

        and please miss me with your last sentence. those are not the majority of cases and you know it.

        marriage isn’t perfect, but please look at the black community and tell me 75% oow rate is doing sisters any better.if you want single motherhood have at it,just don’t complain when stuff hits the fan. 

      • really?

        ok, yes i agree it is about how 2 people treat each other. this is how kids learn to be in a relationship, this is why people tell you if you wanna know how he  will treat you watch how his dad treats his mom.why do you think kids who are abused often grow up to be abusers themselves? GIGO.

        when i talk about having kids inside a marriage i’m talking about doing it the way the rest of the world does it. get to know somebody, get married, wait a while and THEN have kids. the reason for this arrangement is because there is a modicum of planning and really getting to know your spouse before you jump the broom and subsequently before you have kids. this gives you time and opportunity to make the right decisions and/bail if you need to.

        there is thought and planning involved.

        when people have kids oow 90% of the time this isn’t planned. this is 2 people who were playing and then bam! moma has her baby and dad decides no to stick around. i don’t have to tell you kids in the black community are suffering because of this.

        the example you gave me of your cousin who married her baby dady is exactly what im talking about. if she hadn’t had that kid she could have moved on to a better man . this is not about titles, this is about implementing thought and planning in our daily lives in order to avoid messy sh*t you don’t have to go through.

        and please miss me with your last sentence. those are not the majority of cases and you know it.

        marriage isn’t perfect, but please look at the black community and tell me 75% oow rate is doing sisters any better.if you want single motherhood have at it,just don’t complain when stuff hits the fan. 

        • Miss Anonymous

          Well what I meant was he is her baby daddy now (she for some sense knocked into her and divorced him). But yeah I have seen it and heard it from my father being in the army considering he was the boss of half of the base and had to deal with people’s endless bs. (smh men and women can be a mess). My mother also worked in the daycare on base and the mess the wives and husbands were into . . . . How did she know? Well some felt that they can be buddy buddy with people and tell ALL their business, plus the ones who would change their kids papers every other week. :/ Somtimes hubby was off the paper next time they done made up and it continued like that. I’m speaking from the perspective of someone who was inside the military lifestyle.

          I think that we are on the same page with things but I still stand on the premise of how the parents were infront of the children. I don’t condone single motherhood and I know marriage can be hard but the out of wedlock rate isn’t helping men and women. I place blame on both parties. In the words of my dad “why are you sleeping with him when he ain’t put no form of commitment to you” and ” why are you sleeping with her when you know you don’t want kids?”

          • Ladybug94

            I’m not sure what “posts” you grew up on but I’m a former military brat.  Yes, mess can occur on military installations but if the gossip is around like that, I assure you it would have been nipped in the bud and people demoted.  The military frowns upon infidelity and mess in general.  I couldn’t get into trouble at school without my dads Captain finding out first.  I digress.  I do however agree with you that just because there are two parents in the home doesn’t make it a good home especially if the parents are fighting all the time.  If the parents absolutely have to divorce they should both still be active in the childs life.  No one should divorce their child because they divorced the spouse.

    • Devale

      I did grow up in a two parent home. This is why my ideals are seen as old school and not progressive enough to many. My father and I speak on marriage often. Marriage is a big deal in my family. I read comments on earlier posts that stated marriage isn’t seen as important in the black community. I don’t agree with that, but I do feel like I’m in the minority within my own community. My father, grandfather, uncles, all preached the same things to me. “If you are blesed to find a woman that wants to spend the rest of her life with you and have your children, your life is now dedicated to her and those kids, first. You just better make sure she is ready and willing to be the type of wife and mom you want because there is no turning back.” They all say the same things, be strong for the things you want and need to be a good man. It will make you a better husband, but don’t focus on the end result, focus on the effort used by your wife to be a partner in your marriage.

      • really?

        LOL at Devale, you dodged giiving a direct answer to my question but ok, i’ll let it go.

        • Devale

          I thought I answered them all. lol. Which one did I miss?

        • Devale

          I thought I answered them all. lol. Which one did I miss?

      • really?

        LOL at Devale, you dodged giiving a direct answer to my question but ok, i’ll let it go.

    • Devale

      I did grow up in a two parent home. This is why my ideals are seen as old school and not progressive enough to many. My father and I speak on marriage often. Marriage is a big deal in my family. I read comments on earlier posts that stated marriage isn’t seen as important in the black community. I don’t agree with that, but I do feel like I’m in the minority within my own community. My father, grandfather, uncles, all preached the same things to me. “If you are blesed to find a woman that wants to spend the rest of her life with you and have your children, your life is now dedicated to her and those kids, first. You just better make sure she is ready and willing to be the type of wife and mom you want because there is no turning back.” They all say the same things, be strong for the things you want and need to be a good man. It will make you a better husband, but don’t focus on the end result, focus on the effort used by your wife to be a partner in your marriage.

  • really?

    my thoughts on episode 4 only.

     the extended cut was waaaaaaaay better than the edited one . i thought the men were honest and i liked it.

    1)i understand where Zarette is coming from about a woman earning more and whatnot. one thing Brannue and the other guys need to understand is that if you want to be with a woman who earns more than you but still be ”the man of the household” you need to be better than your woman at something significant , you could be more intelligent, be wiser,have more education , be more resourceful, etc . i need something that makes me look up to you.George, your daddy was probably something like this.

    2)i can understand where Devale was coming from most of the time, and some of the stuff that he said i agree with, women can sometimes be selfish. but his arrogance and entitlement shines through when he said something about not getting what he wants and  ”…does she deserve for me to be faithful to her?” or something along those lines, but be the same cat talking about “divorce is high because people are weak nowadays”. also i wonder , how does he think he comes across when he keeps stating his “there are more women than men so if you don’t play ball…” i know it’s the truth, but if i were to always shout ” i have options so play ball or else” in anything that i endeavered how would you perceive me?

    overall appreciated this episode more than the others.

    • Devale

      I can understand how this can come across but it was all answered within the context of the questions asked. If I were asked, “Does a wife have to stay faithful to her obligations as a wife if her husband is not even trying to hold up his end of the bargain?” I would say NO 100 hundred percent of the time.  I just feel people don’t try to work for each other anymore, and it goes both ways. We live in a time of instant gratification but learning your spouse is a never ending process.

      I know I spoke on the ratio of men to women alot but men are conditioned to think this way. In order to build the confidence to approach a woman a man must feel that if she shoots you down, you have plenty of options and you have to move on to the next opportunity. We are taught this from a young age. From the first note that says “will you be my girlfriend?…circle one. lolI can see how it came across as arrogance (maybe I am in the eyes of some) but I don’t feel entitled to a woman. I do feel that once I commit my life and my worth to a woman there has to be a certain level of reciprocation to sustain that relationship. If I were asked “what are the responsibilities of a husband?” You would better understand why I feel so strongly about a man’s needs in a relationship. For example, I’m sure no woman will find issue with me stating that my earnings take care of the house hold while my wife is free to utilize her earnings as she see fit. I feel like that is a man’s RENSPONSIBILTY, (No choice in the matter) to take on the financial burden. I watched my father wear the same shoes and take the train to work while my mom had a new car every 4 years and got minks and jewels every Christmas. But the minute I say what I expect from a woman looking to get married (to me, because I can only speak on my perspective) I’m seen as entitled? I honestly don’t see how that is entitlement.

      • really?

        i liked most of your answers, and you seem to have a good foundation. i put entitlement there because of the way you phrased the bit about “deserving faithfulness”.i don’t think it’s about what a person deserves, it’s about you doing what you vowed (remember that?)and you need to remember not only did you make a promise to her you made one to God as well (i get the impression you are somewhat religious ?) . if she ain’t giving you what you want i would rather you try get a divorce than cheating. we can come back from a divorce , cheating brings too much pain.

         most everything else i agreed with, word for word.and thanks for explaining the bit about more women than men, i don’t like it, but i understand now.

        • Devale

          I appreciate your feedback as well. Its not often young men get an opportunity to see and hear how our thoughts effect women in an honest forum. I learned alot from this as well.

        • Devale

          I appreciate your feedback as well. Its not often young men get an opportunity to see and hear how our thoughts effect women in an honest forum. I learned alot from this as well.

      • really?

        i liked most of your answers, and you seem to have a good foundation. i put entitlement there because of the way you phrased the bit about “deserving faithfulness”.i don’t think it’s about what a person deserves, it’s about you doing what you vowed (remember that?)and you need to remember not only did you make a promise to her you made one to God as well (i get the impression you are somewhat religious ?) . if she ain’t giving you what you want i would rather you try get a divorce than cheating. we can come back from a divorce , cheating brings too much pain.

         most everything else i agreed with, word for word.and thanks for explaining the bit about more women than men, i don’t like it, but i understand now.

    • Devale

      I can understand how this can come across but it was all answered within the context of the questions asked. If I were asked, “Does a wife have to stay faithful to her obligations as a wife if her husband is not even trying to hold up his end of the bargain?” I would say NO 100 hundred percent of the time.  I just feel people don’t try to work for each other anymore, and it goes both ways. We live in a time of instant gratification but learning your spouse is a never ending process.

      I know I spoke on the ratio of men to women alot but men are conditioned to think this way. In order to build the confidence to approach a woman a man must feel that if she shoots you down, you have plenty of options and you have to move on to the next opportunity. We are taught this from a young age. From the first note that says “will you be my girlfriend?…circle one. lolI can see how it came across as arrogance (maybe I am in the eyes of some) but I don’t feel entitled to a woman. I do feel that once I commit my life and my worth to a woman there has to be a certain level of reciprocation to sustain that relationship. If I were asked “what are the responsibilities of a husband?” You would better understand why I feel so strongly about a man’s needs in a relationship. For example, I’m sure no woman will find issue with me stating that my earnings take care of the house hold while my wife is free to utilize her earnings as she see fit. I feel like that is a man’s RENSPONSIBILTY, (No choice in the matter) to take on the financial burden. I watched my father wear the same shoes and take the train to work while my mom had a new car every 4 years and got minks and jewels every Christmas. But the minute I say what I expect from a woman looking to get married (to me, because I can only speak on my perspective) I’m seen as entitled? I honestly don’t see how that is entitlement.

    • Landa

      I 100 percent agree with Duvale (yea his comments comes across harsh) but ALL of what he said to me are  true. For example if I expect my man to: Stay fit, take me out every now and then, bring me flowers, pay his portion of the bills and play his role as a MAN. Then I the WOMAN need to be ok with his needs or requirements. The same ways his ok with mine. Such as staying fit also, have hot meal ready by the time he’s home and every other things in “between” And play my part as the WOMAN. A marriage or relationship can only be whole or happy if  he put he’s 50% and I put my 50%. But if he putting he’s 50 and I’m over putting 40 or less there bounds to be TROUBLE.

      • really?

        those are the things i agreed with too, it was the other stuff that made me raise eyebrows. 

  • really?

    wednesday 6pm est moved up to thursday 6am est ?

    LOL!

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Sorry, technical difficulties. I’m pretty sure we tweeted about the delay!

      • really?

        oh, ok, the Luddite in me rebukes twitter so didn’t see it. but thanks for replying!

      • really?

        oh, ok, the Luddite in me rebukes twitter so didn’t see it. but thanks for replying!

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