Can Women Stand To See Their Ex Happy With Another Lady?

April 17th, 2012 - By Brande Victorian

Source:VH1.com

If you watched “Basketball Wives last night”—and kudos if you didn’t—there were a couple of romantic scenes with Royce and her boyfriend, NFL player Dezmond Briscoe. In one scene, Royce talked about what it meant for Dez to meet her father and they both declared they were in love with each other and marriage was likely in the future. In the other, Dezmond planned a romantic dinner for Royce and then she surprised him wearing nothing but lingerie and a bath robe and they both almost forgot the cameras were there. It was sweet—and almost raunchy—but they kept it on the right side of romantic.

If you’re single, you probably thought, aww I want a man like that; if you’re in a relationship, you probably felt grateful for the man you have; if you were Dezmond’s baby mama, you would have thought, I got something to kill all of that.

Last night, out of nowhere, Christina Nero, the mother of Dezmond’s son, Dezmond Briscoe, Jr., initiated a Twitter war with Royce that she claimed stems from “hearing” Royce said some nasty things about her. After saying what she heard she dropped a little FYI that Dez had been sending her “freaky tweets.”

Not wanting to engage, and being slick at the same time, Royce ignored it, and responded, “…Hows Jr? Cant wait to meet him! :o ) He’s getting so big!”

That only added fuel to the fire, and after a few more exchanges, Christina posted a host of messages, allegedly from Dez, proclaiming all of the sexually explicit things he wants to do her. From the responses Christina was giving, it was clear she wasn’t on it, and since the messages were supposedly sent a month ago—although the validity of the texts is completely in question considering different font colors and the potential for fabrication—I have to ask, what’s the motivation? I can only conclude she couldn’t stand to see her ex happy and in love with someone else, especially on national TV.

From the responses she was sending to these alleged texts, I don’t think she would touch Dez with a 10-foot pole, especially if she’s the deadbeat daddy she claims he is. But something about seeing him happy and deeply in love as he proclaimed to be on last night’s show brought the hater out of her, and either she exposed suggestive texts Dez sent her or she fabricated them altogether. Either way she put the business out there publicly and on purpose to be spiteful. This situation is why I wrote a long time ago that I don’t think mistresses should confess that they’ve been sleeping with someone’s man—it always has the wrong motive, which means they always do it in the worst way. Even if Dez did send these texts, putting them on Twitter for everybody to see says I’m still bitter and I’m not over you, or if I’m not happy with someone else, I don’t want you to be either.

This stunt is hardly unique to the BBW crew. Though some women are more than happy to see an old boyfriend move on, I’ve seen my own friends engage in Facebook battles, putting up old profile pictures with their exes to upset the next girl, knowing they didn’t want anything else to do with that man, but they didn’t want him to be happy either. In the end, they just looked silly because they were putting in a lot of energy on a ship that had already sailed, sunk, and was lying at the bottom of the ocean. It’s the classic, if I can’t have you, nobody else can syndrome, and it’s completely embarrassing on a social media level.

Breakups are never easy and when there’s a child involved and you have to deal with that other person for at least another 18 years of your life, there will definitely be situations that bring up particular emotions or ill feelings that stunt your ability to move on when you may still be wishing things were different. Regardless, Internet battles are definitely not the place to hash it out. In fact, there really isn’t anything to hash out at all. If he’s moved on, let him be. And even if he’s still trying to get on when he has another girl, don’t try to throw her under the bus for choosing a bad dude just like you did. Women have enough problems to deal with without beefing over some man for no reason. If he’s the one you have a problem with, take the anger out on him, Facebook and Twitter stalk all you need to until you get it out of your system, but don’t be careless with her feelings. In all honesty, if things don’t work out with you and a guy the best thing you can do is move on and be happy that you no longer have to deal with him because the reality is, he’s somebody else’s problem now.

Have you ever had to deal with an ex who couldn’t let your man go? Have you ever been that girl trying to stir up beef in your ex’s new relationship?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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  • YSK

    I’ve never kept tabs on my exes social lives. I have one baby daddy that I tolerate..ONLY because that is my son’s biological father.  He is the ONLY ex that I have any sort of communication with. When in passing, I ask ZERO questions pertaining to his personal life and nip any he asks me. I do not care whether he is happy, sad, miserable, elated…etc….and what I do in mine is none of his business as long as neither of us make choices that are detrimental to our son’s well being. 
    My exes can go be happy with whomever they choose..other than me of course…however I do find that to be highly doubtful that they will ever be happy with anyone considering they aren’t happy with themselves.  All of my exes were insecure users and losers who blamed me and/or our child for all of their failures. They  wouldn’t accept responsibility for their mistakes and felt entitled to anything and everything.  One was physically and mentally abusive. They confused a good woman with a fool woman. I have exes ranging from 20 years ago to 4 and a half years ago.  These fools prove to me to this day that they are still moronic idiots. Every last one of them still try to get me back.  I never respond to their inquiries…but they still try. Persistence is a good asset…in most instances..but in this situation all they are doing is proving to me that that are stuck on dumb…since it is apparent that they lack the ability to learn.

  • RahTruth

    I think that’s a really good indicator as to whether or not you’re really over him. If you can see him happy with someone else and not be bothered by it at all, you’re over him. As for this guy’s baby’s mama- I can see how Royce’s comment about meeting her son would upset her enough to expose some texts. I’m not saying it was right. But, I understand.

  • SDW

    It saddens me when women act like this.  First of all how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and someone was using social media to harass you about someone you were in love with?  If he is the scuzzbucket you say he is she will find out but it’s not your place to bring it to her attention.  It’s hurtful and you end up directing your anger towards a person that has nothing to do with you and your ex not being together.  Does it make women feel good to make the other woman hurt because of your issues with your ex???  What are you gaining?  Is all of this Twattle telling make him a better father or a bigger part of your child’s life???? The woman isn’t going to up and leave him because you are throwing business out there.  She is going to talk with him and they will decide what’s what amongst themselves.  So you just wasted your keystrokes trying to ruin something but in all reality you probably will just make them closer.  This happened to me!!  My now HUSBAND’s side chick decided to take to Facebook to let me know what had transpired. Yes I was hurt and infuriated with my then fiance and we did take a long time to get past it.  On the same hand I will never really respect her because she didn’t come to me out of a sense of looking out for me and wanting me to be warned she did it to hurt him but ended up hurting ME instead and I was the innocent person in the entire situation!  Shame on women who don’t have enough heart to not involve the woman a man is with just in efforts to make the man mad.  What goes around comes around! 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/J3FJRCAQHWMC56PZ7TTPIIVN6Y MissEu27

    I had the worst experience with my boyfriend’s ex/son’s mother. She was (and probably still is) jealous. I never hated her or did anything to her other than let her know that she won’t refer to me as “that b!+c#” much longer, then all hell broke lose. True enough, he did something that was less pleasing to me, but every chance she had she would try to act crazy. She slashed my tires, would instantly become upset if she saw me, etc. She even tried to fight me because I simply got her son’s backpack out of my truck and handed it to the daddy (my boyfriend) when she came to pick him up. She would curse and call my boyfriend, his mama, and just about everyone around every name in the book. She even allowed my man’s mom to pick her son up for the weekend, but reported him kidnapped when she found out my boyfriend and I was over HIS MOM’S HOUSE to see him. She is a typical, hood Memphis, no class chick. I pray for her and continue to live and take care of my boys. Unfortunately, she is now diagnosed with cancer and has had to give up custody of their son to his dad. Their son now lives with us in Texas. You never know how the tables will turn.

  • justme

    Have you ever had to deal with an ex who couldn’t let your man go?
    Sort of, when i was in my last relationship, my now ex was always  like we cant go to a certain place b/c his ex was goin to be there and she was goin to try to fight me over him…hell my thing is, i aint fightin over no man unless its my family. I cant understand why some chicks get so crazy of mess like that…If i see my now ex with another woman…oh well, Imma keep it moving…she can have his crazy self and all the drama that went along with him…lol

  • Danielle1 Graves

    * I meant to say wouldn’t lol

  • Danielle1 Graves

    Well maybe this I off topic but personally if I were thirty I would date anyone that was almost ten years younger than me with a child that’s not even a year old. He left his child’s mother while she was pregnant so though her actions are extremely childish and spiteful you never know she may have not gotten any closure and seeing your childs father get all lovey dovey on camera for millions to see can be somewhat humiliating. I realize anyone at any age can have drama but Royce may want to lay off rushing this relationship to the altar until she knows how serious he is about her.

  • Mia

    It depends on the nature of the breakup. If he was a good guy I wish him well. If he treated me bad, I hope the new chick puts a knot upside his head bigger than a bread box. 

  • http://www.rishona.net/ Shona

    My ex has a BM that badmouths him ever chance she gets (to anyone who will listen). However, whenever they talk in private, it’s a different story. It’s “I’m sorry…” “I miss you…” “Do you want to give ‘us’ another try?”. Early in our relationship she used to try to give me ‘friendly’ advice about him…but I’ve come to see her for her hypocritical ways & totally ignore her. She also tries to get all the information she can about me from his parents, and then turn around and twist it and “call me out” on Facebook.

    So what’s clear as day to me, but what she’ll never admit, is that she’s insanely jealous. My BF left her over her anger and drinking issues. She always puts it out there how she needs “his help” and about how “she can’t do it own her own”. It got better for a while when she got a girlfriend of her own, but then they broke up, and is the same old crap. For better or for worse, my BF and his BM are no longer on speaking terms do to a PFA (against her).

    I don’t have any kids so I don’t have that dynamic going on when it comes to dealing with my exes. I don’t find it productive to follow your exes lives. My own parents broke up before I was even born. I had a strong relationship with both of them; but they had almost nothing to do with each other. My mother got married when I was 6 and my father always lived elsewhere and whenever he picked me up, he never even bothered to come in the house. So all the talk about “Well we have a child together…you HAVE to deal with me” is a bunch of baloney.

    Too many women are petty and catty. It takes maturity and security to just move on. Like my BF’s mother said to his BM “If you hate him so much, why do you keep going on and on about him and bugging me about where he is and what he’s doing.”

  • Njgal81

    I don’t know about other women but I was thrilled when I found out my ex got married.

    Thank God!

  • MixedUpInVegas

    An ex is one thing–a baby daddy ex is quite another.  A former relationship with some guy is easier to put aside than one with a man with whom you share a child (or children.)  Yet another reason to be careful about having children with men to whom you are not married.  A wife, even and ex-wife, and the children from that marriage have legal rights that go beyond the baby mamma relationship. 

    My advice would be to avoid men with minor children to raise.  No matter how much he may love you, you will always be in the second position to his legal obligations.  And an ex-wife can do more than simply talk smack on twitter and facebook.  It can be more trouble than it is worth when you could just as easily love another man with less baggage.

  • Rmdavis45

    Most of the time these people have not moved on but do these kinds of things for spiteful reasons to get back or to payback but some where down the line they always patch up things with the ex.This man has a baby son and I hope that if he does not want the baby mama at least be there for his son.But my guess is Royce is just a toy for now until the hurt pass by for whom ever the hurt was inflicted up on and then it’s lovey dovey and all is well again..

  • Nisha

    I was glad when my ex (my kid’s father) started dating and eventually got married. I actually feel sorry for HER. She has to deal with his dead beat a**. I’m now married to a much better man who takes care of me and is a father to my kids.

  • Angelb_12

    it depends

  • My3Cents

    Have you ever had to deal with an ex who couldn’t let your man go? 
    Nope, I screen my men carefully before i date ‘em. Any sign of ex potentially poping up, stalking.. whatever. we are NOT dating. It speaks volumes to your character. If you handle your business right, your ex won’t be an issue. You are are disqualified simply by association. Sorry! I have a drama-free lifestyle  and it’s never changing.

    Have you ever been that girl trying to stir up beef in your ex’s new relationship? 

    Nope. He is an ex for a very good reason. I was not the want for him, and vice versa.  Our associated is officially terminated. My Mr. Right is still out there. I wish him nothing but luck in his pursuit for Mrs. Right. case closed. moving on  to bigger better, and fun adventures. I have way too much positive things going on in my life to  dwell on his relationship status. Step to the side and do you boo! 

    Lol it’s amazing how men get all upset, when i tell them , since we are not looking for the same  things, you have options.  They are  more women on the planet than men, your Mrs Right may still be out there. I have options too that i want to explore.  

    • Kenedy

      Boom! Nothing else needs to be said, lol.

    • really?

      THISSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

      high 5 my3cents!

    • Ladybug94

      There are some men who farbricate stories to their new mate, to have them thinking their ex wants them when that is the farthest thing from the truth.  The men thrive on drama and the prospect of women possible fighting over them and if they aren’t fighting over them they want at least the new person to think they are worth fighting for..pathetic.

    • my2cents

      Oh child please be quiet because a lot of men do handle their business when leaving a previous relationship if that ex refuse to listen and still decide to cause drama that does not speak volume about the character of the man you are talking to it speaks volumes about their ex. And after reading your post it sounds like you must be bitter about something I am sure It might be the fact that you cant stand that your ex left you for another person just saying