Are You Being Abused and Don’t Know it? The Gray Areas of Abusive Relationships

April 19th, 2012 - By Kendra Koger

When I was in college I spent over a year in an abusive relationship.  Why would I stay if it was abusive?  Honestly, I didn’t realize that it was.  So many times when people talk about couple’s abuse it’s very black and white.  The criteria that most people know to indicate these types of relationships is if your mate is putting his/her hands on you, or verbally abusing you.  In my relationship my boyfriend never laid a finger on me, and he never called me out of my name.  However, when I had to go to therapy to help me rebuild the self-damage that he inflicted on me, I realized then that the relationship was very abusive.  So to you, dear readers, even though I don’t know you, know that I love you enough to not want you to go through what I did.  It took many years for me to even be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I saw, not have a panic attack whenever I walked past a reflective surface, or get angry at a guy because he liked me (“How can he like me?  Is it a trick?  Doesn’t he see me?  Is this some type of joke?”).

To give a little bit of background, I’ve always been a very commitment phobic person.  I don’t have a problem with making friends, but I’ve always been very cautious of romantic relationships.  Before I met my husband I had been in three previous relationships. My third relationship was the abusive one, and it took me three years to get over that before I actually started dating again.  So when that third relationship started to get abusive, since I was so inexperienced with relationships, I didn’t know that it was wrong.  I didn’t have any knowledge to go on and my boyfriend was so secretive, he didn’t want me to talk about the relationship to anyone.  So when I wanted to ask my family and friends if this relationship was normal, because I was loyal to him, I didn’t ask and I continued to be in the dark to what a crazy situation I was in.  When I would ask my boyfriend if this stuff was the familiar he would always say:  ”Of course it is.  You haven’t been in a lot of relationships so you don’t know.”

However, there are signs that things are out of whack in your union, and even if your beau is telling you it’s normal.  Please know that it’s not.

He cuts off communication you have with others.  At the time we were dating I didn’t have a cell phone, only a landline in my dorm.  Whenever he was in the room with me he wouldn’t let me answer my phone.  The way I didn’t see it as abusive was that whenever the phone rang he would pull me into him lovingly and say things like:  ”No, be here with me right now.”  Then, he would also want to take all of my time.  Having someone being possessive of you might sound very endearing, but when that person systematically becomes what your life revolves around (with a very small margin of wiggle room for friends, and family), then it’s not a healthy union.

He/She wants to hide the relationship.  Now, there’s nothing wrong with trying to keep the intimate parts of your relationship (either physically intimate or emotionally intimate) between the two of you, but when the person doesn’t want to claim you, then that’s a problem.  My boyfriend’s excuse was that he had gotten out of a very tumultuous relationship that lead rumors to be spread about him.  He wanted to stay under the radar when it came to relationships.  Well, that was fine to me when it came to being on campus, but when he didn’t even want to tell his family about me, and they were steady trying to set him up on dates and he would accept… yeah… something’s not right.  Which leads me to my next thing…

He doesn’t respect you.  During the time that his family was setting him up on dates, they would ask him to take a picture of himself, and send it to them in a text message so they could show his potential suitors.  Why did he ask me to take the pictures for him?  On top of that, WHY DID I TAKE THE PICTURES?!?!  But, to use another less pathetic example, he asked to borrow some money from me.  When he came to pay me back, instead of handing me my money in my outstretched hand, he actually THREW IT AT ME, and sang Fat Joe’s “Make it Rain” while smiling in my face.

Now, no disrespect to any woman who has spent time on a pole, but I’ve never been one, and I certainly wasn’t on one when he threw my money at me.  Someone who doesn’t respect you is someone who doesn’t deserve to be with you.

You’re not allowed to be yourself.  Before we started dating, we were actually friends for like a year.  I had gained the sophomore 30 (I was always an overachiever) and he was helping me to lose weight.  After I lost 40 pounds, he began to put his input on other things that I should change about myself.  Like, throwing away outfits of mine that he hated.  Or not liking how wide my smile was and making me practice my smile in the mirror for twenty minutes a day… as he watched…. Or making me take pictures down on my Facebook of my friends and I making silly faces.  He told me how disproportionate I was for having a small middle and a large bottom, and he would force me to do hundreds of squats… while he watched.  When we would get take out, only  he could eat, and those burgers that I loved so much would become his and I couldn’t even eat the fries.

The things that I began to love about myself all seemed wrong.  I began to hate my smile, my body, and myself for being “not right.”  One day he wanted me to look in the mirror and I started crying because I didn’t want to see myself, he apologized for being so harsh, but the damage had been done.

To this day, I still wonder if he was cognitive of what he was doing.  He swears that he didn’t know, and he was only trying to help me, but it doesn’t change the fact that the relationship definitely fell in that gray area of abuse that no one talks about.  It took three years to finally like myself again, and to trust a relationship.  After having my daughter it’s still very hard sometimes to look at my transitioning body as I try to lose the baby weight I gained and not hear his voice chastising me, but once you move out of the gray, it’s nothing but blue skies from there.

Kendra Koger is finally loving herself for her.  Love yourself too, and love yourself at her twitter, kkoger.  Don’t really love yourself there, but… you know what I mean!!

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  • Lena

    Thanks so much for this article…I left a situation like this about 2 years ago. Even after I left him, there was still an emotional abuse that followed, for he still had my cell number. After 2 years of being single, I just changed my phone number, changed all the passwords to my social networks, and completely cut everyone off that was associated with him. I had to realize that not only did I want out of this situation, I also wanted peace, and that was my way of getting it, instead of being “phone harassed” for another 2 years.

  • Kendra Koger

    OH!!  And for the women who are in this type of situation, IT DOES GET BETTER!!!  But before it does, you have to get out of that situation, and try to learn from it as well.  The next time someone is lucky enough to be with you, and you see those red flags, pull a Sheree and “exit to the left.”   *Well, Nene actually said that phrase, but that’s what Sheree did.  I hope that didn’t come off as mean-spirited, but I couldn’t help myself!*

    STAY ENCOURAGED!!

    • Valenhen

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kendra. I went through something similar last year and I feel so embarassed and ashamed for putting up with his behavior. I definitely saw some red flags but just ignored them. I don’t know what was wrong with me and I still don’t. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning hearing his voice and  I find it hard to look in the mirror somedays b/c I don’t think I’m pretty or good-looking enough. I feel so alone sometimes but hearing stories like this do help.

  • Kendra Koger

    Hi All, this is Kendra, the one who wrote the article.  All right, typically I don’t respond to my own articles; however, I had to write because I felt a few ideas were coming up about my character due to the article.

    Now, emotional abuse is like a virus.  It starts off very small, and sometimes you don’t feel the affects of it until it’s too late.  This was the issue with me.  When I realized the situation I was in, I got out.  There was never one time where I enjoyed being victimized or liked questioning how I felt about myself. The same way how most people (sane people, anyway) don’t enjoy getting sick.  So, for people who have never been in an abusive relationship before, REALIZE YOU ARE SOO BLESSED!!  And in your bless-ness, realize that just because you don’t understand something that someone is going through doesn’t mean that they’re weak. 

    As for my parents, they were very supportive and gave me a lot of self-esteem growing up.  But we all know from our own experiences that even though parents and caregivers might try to set us up in the right direction, we’ll still go our own way, sometimes to our own detriment.

    I had a large amount of self-esteem growing up, and I have a large amount of self-esteem now.  But during that period, because of the “virus” I didn’t realize that was beginning to manifest, it did make my self-esteem weaker, the same way how a cold or flu will affect your whole body. 

    But, continue to comment, I’m not stopping you.  But before I read anymore things that made my eye twitch in annoyance, I had to let my peace be known.  Thanks for reading, and hope you all have a great day!!  STAY ENCOURAGED!! 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/OQHXWUYWRV6NZ5NGGTQ2B4U7BA Jasmine Evans

    wow this brought tears to my eyes. i am in and have been in a similar situation for almost two years now. i thought he was doing it cus he loved me but these past few months i have also seeked counseling and noticed the negative situation i am in. it was harder for me to figure out the abuse aspect cus growing up my dad had done me the same way so it was all i ever knew. im a junior in college and have only had 2 serious relationships until i met him and its been hell every since. im currently in the process of coming to terms w how my dad treated me growing up and cutting this jerk loose.

  • Noirevixen

    Like Katt Williams said, “It’s called self-esteem.  Don’t let anybody mess up the way you feel about you.”  The only way he could do these things to her was because she allowed it.  Her whole story is aggravating to me.  I can’t even summon up any anger for this guy even though he is a scum bag.  Some people like being the victim.  

    • Reddur

      Its called victim-blaming. Im sure all of your relationships are perfect.  If your self esteem was intact as you say it is, you could have compassion on others, and love and bless people as they grow instead of criticizing them.  This writer was obviously in college and growing as a person, when this occurred, and when she bares her soul in the name of helping others she gets a reply like this.  When you criticize others, you leave no room to love them, and by your post, I see that you need all the room for love in your life you can get. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/barbara.codner Barbara Codner

    I dated a man I nicknamed Satan.  I’ve never dated anyone like him so he threw me for a loop for a minute.  Unfortunately for him, I’m an Aqua (unpredictable) so I got bored of his antics and he got cut off completely.  I have to admit that I was a bit shook after we dated because I expected everyone to act like him.  I only dated him for a few months so I can just imagine what a few years with him would do to my self esteem.

  • Guest

    More people need to know about emotional abuse.  Alot of people sort of roll their eyes when its discussed, but it is very real, and it is just as destructive as physical abuse.  Like the author said, its usually not noticed at first, since things start off by just seeming a little “off.”  Too much time together,  too many “constructive” critiques. A little manipulation here, a little control there.  In worst case scenarios, the victim can actually begin to doubt their sanity, coming to believe that they are actually the one that is “off.”  All I can say is, trust your gut.  If it seems wrong, no matter how close to being right it seems, then it probably is wrong.

    • RealDealHollyfield

      You hit it right on! Trying to love and being on the edge of your seat not knowing what to expect next is hell. An emotionally abusive person can alter your thoughts of life, how you see the world and as you said take away your sanity. Being negatively judged on everything you do and everything you are when NO ONE else has made or makes you feel worthless is a clear sign that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. In most emotionally abusive relationships when a non aggressive person is constantly criticized, they become enraged and start to believe that they are as worthless as the spouse says they are.

  • Wordsbydenise

    I think that I am in an abusive relationship. Its neglect. no attention, no communication and when I complain, he apologizes and one day later he does starts all over again. I wish I  had never met him?

    • Battambelly

      These types of men need to be starved of love from every woman they become interested in. This happens to women who are unsure of themselves to begin with because of not being highly valued by their own parents. This is the reason it’s so important for parents to constantly say and do things to build their children’s self esteem and teach them how to deal with physical and emotional bullies. 

    • TiffanyKelly

      I’m going through the same thing.  And if there is any amount of attention given, it’s about sex.  No communication will break a couple up.  I have been with my man for 8 years, have two kids, but the no communication is killing me.  Why be with someone that you don’t talk to?  What kind of life is that?  But, we’re still in it.. hmmmm