Why Being A Stay-At-Home Mom is Unrealistic For Most Black Women

April 17th, 2012 - By Charlotte Young

keepingitrealwithangelaharris.blogspot.com

According to the Grio, stay-at-home moms were forced into the spotlight after a Democratic strategist remarked that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife had “actually never worked a day in her life.” Her comment sparked “the mommy wars,” between working and stay-at-home moms across the nation. While no one can argue that being a mom in general is hard work, Kuae Mattox, the president of a support group for mothers who decided not to work full-time, says “the mommy wars” are a battle black women have chosen not to take on.

“We don’t see the mommy wars as our wars – we have friends, mothers and aunts who all worked,” Mattox, a Columbia University master’s graduate and stay-at-home mom said to the Grio. “It would be hypocritical of us to disparage people who worked and to tell people what to do – you have to decide what’s best for you and your family.”

While Mattox has chosen to be a stay-at-home mom and helps to support other women like her, black women are half as likely to be stay-at home moms compared to white women. In fact, stay-at-home motherhood has historically never been an option for African American women.

Rose M. Kreider and Diana B. Elliet, note this in their report titled “Historical Changes in Stay-at-Home Mothers: 1969 to 2009.” Their report states that “there is evidence that married black women have always been employed outside of the house in large numbers…” (Landry 2000) …”Even black mothers with young children were in the work force following World War II, when many of their white counterparts had withdrawn from the labor force” (Thistle 2006).

In addition, single motherhood is high in the black community. A Pew Research report observes that 72 percent of black children are born out of wedlock, and black children are three times as likely to live with one parent compared to white children. Even for children born in two parent homes, these days black women have a better chance at getting a job than black men. Black women have an unemployment rate of 12.3 percent compared to the 13.8 percent of black men.

“The woman’s not going to be the one to stop working and stay home,” University of Pennsylvania’s Dr. Camille Charles said to the Grio. “She might be the bigger earner. And as long as marriage and divorce rates are the way that they are now, and other contentious things in the black community, I don’t think women are going to feel secure in giving up their careers.”

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  • AlliChristopher

    I just put in my two weeks notice TODAY to focus on my 20 month old & completing my masters in HR. I think that being a stay at home mom is not on an option for most people because their lifestyle (& childcare wants) demands a dual income. My parents did it & I intend to do it once I re-enter the work force. But for now we’re sacrificing for my personal goals & the future of this family. I will never get this time again with my son so I am taking it now.
     I do not like generalizations about black women regardless of the findings of some poll and I do not think this forum should be about black male bashing.Choose better mates with similar goals & considering a potential mates’ ability to provide is not “gold digging” its simply forecasting for your financial future- the same thing you pay an adviser for. 

    • Renee

      I have been a stay at home mom for almost 6 months-I love it, it is not that hard but it goes by fast.  I did my career first in life and now at the middle stage in life I have started a new career as a stay at home mom.  Not too many women would take such a path but when you have a good plan and a strong partner-you will make it! :)   Good Luck and have fun everyday!!!!

      • Toni

        not that hard, are you kidding me.  i think it’s harder than working a full timt job.  only reason why i havent returned to outside work is because the benefits my child receives is greater than my career.

        • Adavis1002

          I love being a stay at home mom. I hated dealing with some whining complaining employees. I had a job that was easy and fun but had a bad manager who I could not tolerate. I am so blessed my black husband is retired with a great pension. He also has a fultime job. We don’t live above our means. We have one car live in a paid for house and live close to family. I will not stay home forever. But right now I will enjoy being raising our daughter.

  • Gye Nyame

    The reason most black women can’t stay home with their children is b/c THEY chose the deadbeat brother that looked good in the club and bussed a nice move on the dance floor, but had no intention of being a man to them or the child he placed inside her. Listen, I’m all for “black power” and “power to the people” but I’m tired of hearing black women complain about their poor choices. I stayed home after the birth of my first child and it was a sacrifice, but it can be done. However, if you need to get your hair done, nails done, everything did, you can’t afford to stay home. I went back to work b/c I realized I love my job, intellectual conversation, and adult interaction. Being a stay at home mom for me was not the right decision. But now I have the best of both worlds, a career that I love and 2 children I can be a whole and happy mom for!

  • really?

    where are all the men who come to this place to list how black women suck?

    LOL,is it because we are talking about an area where black men fail that they keep mum because they  are scared to have this thrown in their faces?

    interesting…

  • flatlinecity

    I am a stay at home mom and I work harder now then I did when I worked full time, attended school (that was 3 cities over) and mommy duties when I came home. It is hard work on both ends, if you have a REAL relationship with no egos and sacrifices on both sides of course black women could have the option. The first step in all of this is finding a partner who is worthy of your time and not a cute guy you want to have sex with. As a black woman I feel that we sometimes make things harder than they have to be. Stop messing with lowlife dudes and stop saying that there are no good black men out there because there are PLENTY.

  • Leelee

    Thank you.  I am so glad someone finally pointed this out.  The majority of black women have always worked, from the times of slavery and on.  My grandmothers and great grandmothers, have worked from the times they were 13 and 14 years old, kids or no kids.  That’s just the way things were for them and all of the other women around them.  This didn’t mean that their husbands didn’t want to take care of them, but that circumstances didn’t allow them to stay at home.  Historically speaking, black women, and poor white women, have always worked unless you were part of that 1 or 2 percent.  Fact of life.  But then so many people look at the European standard as if it’s the rule, not the exception.  The only major difference between newer and older generations is the type of jobs women are working.  Then it was laundry, maid, and caregiver work, now there are better opportunities.  I think people are missing part of the point of the article.  It was never our(the majority) reality.

  • Guest67876

    I’m a stay-at-home-mom.  It definitely takes sacrifices on our part, but it’s the best decision for our children.  My husband works two jobs and owns a landscaping business on the side.  It’s sometimes doable if people reorder their priorities.  What we lack monetarily we more than have spiritually and emotionally.  However, I think that NO person should attack ANY good mother – we all do our personal best.

  • Chanda

    Well damn! Not saying that I agree or disagree but you might get some heat for saying all that.

    • Sickofit

      She definitely has a VERY narrow point of view…

      • really?

        but it is TRUE,is it not?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    Ever since gender roles got switched in slavery times. Woman have always have to be the breadwinner, or worker in the family. Even when she has a man who has a nice job. White woman have always had the “housewife” thing down packed. Black woman not so much. We been working for centuries. 

  • Pingback: The War You Dont See » Why Being A Stay-At-Home Mom is Unrealistic For Most Black …

  • Tata10

    I was a stay at home mom when my kids were young — it is not unrealistic – 1) you have to marry a man who enjoys being a provider and believes it is important 2) you have to live on a budget and stick to it 3) you have to plan your children so you can do it in one shot then return to your career — mostly it takes a lot a financial, mental and emotional discipline and it is very hard work.  And yes, you have to check your ‘independent woman ego’ at the door — it is a sacrifice, but worth it.

    • Leelee

      In this day and age being a stay at home mom is a little unrealistic, in my opinion at least.  Even if you have a man who is able and willing to be the breadwinner, real life kicks in.  Whether anyone likes it or not, sometimes women have to step up.  No it’s not the best for the children, but that is when men need to take on more active roles in their children’s lives besides just being the “breadwinner”.

    • Showme

      Agree.  My husband and I decided  to live wayyyyyy below our means for 2 years before our child was born so we can eventually live on one salary allowing me to stay home.  I use to work with children and doing this gave me more reason to want to stay home.  Seeing parents drop off their children at 7am and picking them up at 6pm; relying on the daycare to feed breakfast and sometimes dinner was something I didnt want for my children.  The way today’s world opperates takes away from family time and maternal bonding. But most importantly, I have a husband who an excellent provider, head of household, and believes in family time.  The ‘extra’ time he has isnt spent with his boys.  Its spent with his family…us

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    i think everyone took that comment out of context. no one is saying that stay at home moms don’t work hard, but let’s be honest, they don’t work in the job force so their mindset is totally different about work compared to that of a woman who does work outside of the home. . .

    • Shellksu

      I am a stay at hme mom.I too was a Kindergarten teacher for several years and I could not imagine being able to invest so much into everyone else’s children and then only be able to come hoe, play, feed the baby, give him a bath, and lay him down to do it all over again. I give much props to mothers who work and balance everything. I love staying at home and look forward to many more years of staying at home with my son.

      • Shellksu

        SORRY for the incorrect spellings- I type fast and then I post-I rarely reread prior to posting.

      • Ms_Sunshine9898

        I commend you for that. But I think it’s disrespectful for women who stay at home to compare themselves to working moms and vice versa. Both groups of women work equally hard but you can’t compare them because both have two vastly different types of  work cut out for them and the way a family manages money with two incomes is completely different from a family with one income . .  .

  • Seni2299

    Black women have to work because black men don’t take care of there families, and are not there to start with.

    • Seni2299

      Moral of the story don’t date black men! Only 1% are men who step up and do what’s right

      • Truth0312

        I’ma need to some statistics to back up that claim.  While, I’ll admit that too many Black men shirk their parental responsibilities, saying only 1% of them actually do right by their children is factually wrong.  I’m all for interracial dating/love, but gold digging should never be the primary motive.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t get pregnant by someone with financial means, either; but you act as if it’s impossible to find a Black man with just that.  As a college-educated woman, I know plenty.  Also, it’s not unheard of for men of other races to be deadbeats, as well.  

        • Ha ha

          No one said anything about gold digging. Wanting a man who is actually a man is not gold diging. Anyway, glad you’re sticking with BM. You do that. More attractive and successful White Men for those of us who are interested.

    • http://atlantarofters.blogspot.com The Sanity Inspector

      Single motherhood is the quickest, surest route to generational poverty that there is in our society, and it ought to be re-stigmatized.

  • Amija James

    Yeah, it kinda sucks.  I live in Silicon Valley and you might find some black women at these companies, but to find a black man is rare.  I know here in California most couples, black and white have to work because it’s too expensive without 2 incomes.

  • http://www.wegotkidz.com/ Kesha Chisholm

    After reading this post I feel even more fortunate to have a husband who’s given me the opportunity to stay at home and raise our children. A lot of black men aren’t wired to be the sole provider. They’ve watched their mothers and aunties bust their humps all of their lives and feel that their wife/partner should do the same.

    I do graphic design here and there to supplement our income, but most of my time is devoted to raising my beautiful twins. It’s a gift that I’ve been given that I by no means take for granted.

    • Renee

      We have been blessed with the same gift Kesha.  A true black man that has family goals beyond all other things in life is one in a million. :)

  • Business406

    Thank God for birth control!
    I love having a career

    • http://atlantarofters.blogspot.com The Sanity Inspector

      But you must surely pity the mothers who would like to stay at home, but cannot.

  • Who cares

    My grandma is 87 and never worked a day in her life and raised 11 kids while my grandpa worked 16 hour days and they’re still together 66 years later. He didn’t forced my granny to go to work, he was the breadwinner and she and the kids with my mom being the oldest kept the house cleaned, cooked and help raised their siblings and this was the 1950s, 60s and 70s. Today marriage is about money, sex, and power, not about supporting, unconditional love and raising a family with morals. 

    • Amija James

      See that’s the kind of man I’m looking for.  That’s because back in the day, men were men.  They knew they were supposed to take care of their woman.  Theses ninjas today want to be taken care of.  

      • Rastaman

        It would be highly impractical and fool hardy to be having 11 children in this day and age.  And jusst because someone’s granny did it succesfully nearly a century ago does not mean it was practical then either.   My maternal grandmother also had 11 children but their lives were hard and from what I was told was nothing to be admired.  But children in those days were free labor and old age pension. 

        People have to get some context and understand that like the article noted for all intents and purposes this debate is one amongst largely white women of privilege.   Which pretty much excludes the large majority in this nation.   The woman who was at the discussion, Ann Romney expressed fake outrage that her role as a homemaker was not considered work as if most women are married to millionaires and thus her and their experiences are equivalent. 

        • Amija James

          I don’t know why you’re replying to something I said and not actually replying to something I said, but thanks.

            

      • Ebonydiva82

        So karate chop the ninja’s!

    • Renee

      I am a stay at home mom now after having my second child.  I was a bit scared at first on letting go of a nice paying job that I had been at for 10 years but now I am so glad that I did.  I spend more time with my kids and my husband but most of all I do not miss my old job or the money.  I have started a new life and I feel 10 years younger!!!:)

    • imjustsayn

      Men have definitely changed!

      • Simple Truth

        Men have no changed. And black men certainly have not changed-they still can’t provide for their women. Black women have to live in relative poverty no matter what country she is in because BM just cannot provide. Take a trip anywhere in the world & check out where the majority of Black women dwell. In the poorest neighborhoods no matter what. With children to take care of. White, Asian & Latino men all provide more for their women worldwide.
        And P.S. No, I’m not a White person, so don’t even try to use that excuse.

  • Ananda

    Too many stay at home, oops, I meant stay away from home dads out there.

  • Bpassion

    Im a black woman and a stay at home mom.  Im also a former daycare and kindergarten teacher.  Staying at home is hard work.  I worked harder at a 9-5 than I do now.  But I love being with my baby.  I cant imagine working full time and raising children.  But many have done it.

    • RedButterfly81

      Agreed.

    • Amija James

      I think that more black women should look at staying at home.  I feel like it is looked down upon like we HAVE to be out there getting it so that we can have nice cars and the latest stuff.  I worked full time, took a company buy out, and now work 25 hours a week, so I can focus on raising my son.  I take him to school, pick him up at 3, help him with his homework and I love it.  When I worked 40 hours a week, I wasn’t able to be as hands on as I am now.  Of course I don’t have a car note anymore and money is a bit tighter, but it’s better for him.  And I’m I a single mother.  

      • Bpassion

        I do think that by working full time many mothers dont have the time to dedicate to homework, sporting/social events, discipline, etc.  I say this as a teacher…and many mothers used their work (or single motherhood) as an excuse for their children’s shortfalls.  My friends, for example, spend about 1- 2 hrs a day with their children and this is spent doing homework, feeding and cleaning.  Personally, I dont want my baby spending majority of her day with someone else only to have an 1 or 2 hrs with me. 

      • Ebonydiva82

        I’m sorry but unless you have money and a bunch of friends, being a stay-at-home mom can be extremely BORING! There’s only so much that you can do with a child before wanting to wreck your brains as you don’t have time for yourself. If I had to choose, I would choose being a stay-at-home mom and working part-time (at a job I enjoy, of course). Some women love staying at home but I did not. However, it’s a great option if you can afford it.

      • Carrie White

        No, what your son needs is a FATHER. Ever thought about that?

  • Jemsfirst

    “Cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, laundry, shopping for groceries, raising kids, going to PTA meetings, dropping them off at school and helping your kids with their homework, teaching them how to write, walk, toilet train and sending them off to college”
    …wow, my husband and I both do ALL of that AND we both have full-time jobs. We have 3 boys. I commend ALL parents…those that have employment and those that don’t. Neither is better than the other. Let’s stop the diviseness. It’s silly.

  • Aaliyahstar08

    Stay at home mom is a job. Cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, laundry, shopping for groceries, raising kids, going to PTA meetings, dropping them off at school and helping your kids with their homework, teaching them how to write, walk, toilet train and sending them off to college, of course you don’t get paid because you’re suppose to do those things but it’s a job as a parent while the husband goes out to work and is the breadwinner.

    • JusSayin

      Yeah well imagine doing that with going to work full time. 

      • Ebonydiva82

        Add going to school on top of THAT!

    • Tim

      What you describe as a job unto itself “cleaning, cooking, laundry,’ women from the old school call LIFE. You and the rest of the women on this site complaining are weak black women.

      • Bmarley

        who started the women’s movement to change their lifestyle from stay at home mother to working women..I’ll give you a hint….wasnt black women

        And as a black man ask your fellow black men how come they cant do a simple thing like work and help raise a family… seems like you and your counterparts are having a hard time handling LIFE…

      • http://www.interracialdatingcoach.com/ Z

        “What you describe as a job unto itself “cleaning, cooking, laundry,’
        women from the old school call LIFE. You and the rest of the women on
        this site complaining are weak black women.”

        Some would call that maid service which is a job.

      • Nisha

        I don’t see anyone complaining. Different people are giving their opinions about the subject matter. So grow up and read the comments BEFORE you make a fool of yourself next time.

    • Blckcanary

      as a working mother I work and do all that you described above (except pick my kids up from school because im at work) but then as soon as i come home from work, my SECOND job starts. I’m also trying to start my own business so I actually have THREE jobs. I know women who do more than me, so this is typical of our society, white and black. But there are more black women working because we have to. Like the article said, most of the Men are not trying to marry the women they have sex with. The perspective regarding marriage has changed in the african american community.

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