When Should You Try to Salvage Your Friendship and When Should You Let It Go?

April 12th, 2012 - By Clarke Gail Baines

I think TLC broke down what a real friend is about best: “What about your friends?/Will they stand their ground?/Will they let you down again?/What about your friends, are they gonna be low down?/Will they ever be around…or will they turn their backs on you?”

No one imagines that the friend they confide in, hang out with on the regular, and even consider a sister, would turn their backs on a friendship, but when it does happen, it hurts. It’s almost like a bad breakup. If you and the ex-friend roll in a group, the friends you share become like kids stuck in a bitter divorce. If they want to hang out with you, your ex-friend doesn’t want to be around, and if you all do end up in the same place, you and the ex-homie don’t even speak. At some point, if you’ve known that individual for a long time, you wonder whether or not you should try and fight for your friendship (c’mon, losing those childhood friends over small stuff is stupid), or if you’ve got to do like Keyshia Cole said and “Let it Go.” Caught in a situation like this now? Here are a few factors that might help you make a decision about the future of your friendship.

How Important is This Friendship?

When you and a friend fall out, it can definitely be a stressful time. There’s unnecessary tension, a lot of confusion, and it’s going to take a minute for people to put their pride aside to work things out. While you’re dealing with all this you should ask yourself how much of a friend this “friend” really was. Were they always starting drama? Did they exhibit a lot of shady behavior? Or did they show you a lot of love and loyalty in the time that you were cool? Depending on what side of the fence they fall on, you can decide if the friendship is worth saving or if homegirl was doing too much for you anyway…

Are They Going Through Something Bigger Than Your Beef?

Sometimes the circumstances of life can put people in emotional states where they end up lashing out at the people who care about them most. Whether it’s a bad breakup, the death of someone close to them, a stressful job situation–if someone is going through it, they might unintentionally put you through it too. If they rarely exhibit the behavior that caused you to fall out, you might want to give them their space and time, but still try and let them know that you care. While things might not be the same later, once they get through their situation, they might regret their decisions and want to make things right. If they matter to you, it never hurts to leave that door open for the future, even if you don’t feel like being bothered with the drama for the moment.

If They’re Upset With You, Do You Know Why?

Nothing is probably worse than when you have a friend stop calling you, stop texting you, and just go M.I.A. when it comes to you for some big reason. And it gets 10 times worse when you have no clue what that reason is. A lot of people often flip out when they realize someone is mad at them, rather then trying to figure out what the real deal is. I think that before you call it quits, you should put forth the effort to figure out why your friend has become so upset and see if you can work things out. There isn’t a standard number of phone calls that you should make or a number of emails you should send, but if you’ve known that person forever, you might not want to give up so easily.

Are You Doing All the Work?

Are you the one doing all the calling and the only one trying to make contact? It’s cool to put forth a strong effort to show your friend you want to figure things out, but if they’re not doing a damn thing, you might want to start thinking about cutting your losses…The last thing I’m sure you want is a friend who thinks they’re doing you a favor by working things out with you and doesn’t seem as excited about reconciliation as you do.

Is This Individual ALWAYS Like This?

What fun is a friend who always blows up about the smallest things, gets upset, and then goes M.I.A. to get her point across? Friends who deserve an Academy Award for their theatrics are usually a lot of work, and if you’re down for that, then that’s cool. But if this friend and their behavior are becoming too much for you, it might be time to re-evaluate how much you really want them around. Because even if you work things out now, homegirl might spaz out again a few months from now, and who needs all that drama continuously?

Have You Looked At Things From All Sides?

It’s pretty easy to think your friend is overreacting about whatever you all are at odds about, but I’ve found that asking people their thoughts OUTSIDE the drama works to gain a better perspective. Whether that’s mom, a sister, or a boyfriend (who has good sense), looking for the bigger picture from an outside party might help you figure out if you’re tripping, if you you have the right to trip, and if working things out is the best option for you and this friend of yours.

Good luck!

What factors help you determine if your friendship is worth saving?

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  • Inqueerie

    So, this is a GREAT post, because I’ve had this happen to me three time in my adults life, and sometimes I feel so bad that I often wonder “Was it me?”  But, I know it wasn’t.  The first time it happened, I realized that the person I had to just cut off, and cut my losses with was very controlling, and domineering.  She was the cause of me breaking off a budding friendship with someone that I thought was really cool, and now I wonder what beautiful blossoms that friendship (the one I broke off because of her) might have caused in my life.  Sorry J!  With the second person, I don’t know if she cut me off because of something I said to her that, looking back on it, was disrespectful to her in her relationship, or if she lost her phone, and my new phone number at that time (because that had happened twice before between us once she moved away).  There’s no excuse for what I said to her, even though it was the truth.  However, just because something is the truth, doesn’t mean you have to say it; sometimes it’s better just to be supportive, and be there for that person once they realize the issue for themselves.  That being said, if the DID cut me off because of what I said, then I fully respect that, and no love loss.  I do miss her though (despite the effed up ways that she treated me numerous times prior to that one).  The third person, I was going through somethin in my life, and wasn’t being as positive to myself and the way I talked about myself at that time (I never did or said anything to her that was bad, and had always been there for her, even through dumbest of decisions on her part).  She went MIA on me for like more than a month, and I called and tried to get in touch.  When she finally called me back one day, she went off on me on some ole b.s., talking to me like I had never been her friend, and basically judging me based on the person I am and the way I do things; she felt like I shoulda been doing things the way she would do them, or being like how other friends of hers were (she actually said that to me).  By that time, I was grown, and secure in myself to tell her “Good luck, and so long!”  Just like TLC said, “…Are they gonna be around?”  She didn’t try to hang in there wit me when I was going through my stuff, so then, what do I need her for!

    • Nitty

      Nobody has time to read this long post
      Summary dear

  • Anntuannettatownes

    WOW I’M GOING THROUGH THIS AND IT’S VERY PAINFUL BUT SOMETIME IT’S BEST TO STEP ASIDE.

  • Love_Sexy

    Bottom line is if the negative out weigh the positive its time to let go period…..If you are not feeling uplifting but weighed down its time to dissolve the friendship.

  • Guest

    This is probably one of the best article I have read on here. I am going through a situation right now with someone who I considered a sister. Someone who I imagined would be the matron of honor in my wedding. But she took it upon herself to create a drama filled situation over a decision I made in my life that had nothing to do with her. She crossed the line from being a concerned friend to disrespectful, hurtful in her comments, and controlling. I’ve been trying to decide if is worth saving because in reality things will never be the same between us even if we reconcile. It is a tough pill to swallow but sometimes I’ve learned it is how life plays out.

  • Makeda

    I had “friends” that constantly put me down, calling me skinny, constantly bringing up hurtful things that happened when I was going through my divorce. At the same time, calling me a good friend, or their mentor when they needed advice. Of course I was a “good friend”, because I constantly put up with their b.s. Now  that I’ve dropped them and surrounding myself with positivity, they find every excuse in the book to call me. My masochistic days are done!

  • Ms. Diva

    I let go of a friendship, from the outside it may look minor. Looking back, I just had a breaking point of disrespect. Over the years we had several arguments that were minor but blown up because the friend was a drama queen. Friends have disagreements but when you cross the line & constantly go below the belt I’m done with you. It was my fault as well because I really didn’t put that person in their place just let it slide as them being them. I harbor no bitter feelings, I just felt the friendship was a little dysfunctional. If it wasn’t one thing it would be another. Granted I miss the fun times not the B.S. that comes along with it. I wish them well with there new found fabulous life since were not friends. :)

  • L.I.G.

    In college, I was a part of a trio with one girl I graduated from high school with and another girl we met on campus. And before I knew it, they went M.I.A. on me. The wedge was really between me and the high school girl, and then the third girl just picked a side, and I don’t talk to either of them. They’re “best friends” now, and for the longest it hurt because I didn’t do anything malicious to either of them. But I realized I did most of the work, and I’m over it. The only thing that truly hurts now is not getting the kind of support I gave to them. The high school girl’s mother has cancer, and I was on my A-game when it came to phone calls and checking up. My mother has recently fallen ill, and they bailed early enough to not be there for me. Le sigh…

    • sassy

      If you really think they went MIA on you for no reason, you’re probably wrong. People don’t do that without a reason- maybe you’re not looking at your own faults. Also, I think it’s really mean of them to do that, but maybe they had a reason that you’re ignoring.
      I had a friend like you, but she would always put the two of us down by making us feel stupid , worthless and making us feel like we only get places because of the way we looked. We were sick of it and I had told her that on many occasions , but she chose to cuss me out instead so we bounced. She has now told everyone that we are the ones who caused drama and left her out. I don’t really mind because I truly feel like she needs psychological help.

    • Allyce

      Your mom needs your full attention now and she deserves it. Your mom is your true best friend. There is NO one – not husband, child, sister or friend – who will listen to you like your mom. Good luck. Don’t worry about those chickenheads.

    • Poetsgroove

      They were never your friends if they couldn’t put their difference’s aside and be there for you.

  • Greeni261

    This is right on time for me.. I had a friend who always had drama with friends and cutting people off.. For a long time, I thought it was the other people until I get a whiff of her mean girl ways.. U can’t save someone from themselves. Some people only look at life from their point of view and always wonder why no one loves them or they feel like like no one has their back maybe u constantly have a knife in it and is always stabbing them with it…friendship is about respect and caring about the people around them. Not putting people down because of the life that u led..

  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    This could extend beyond friendships to relationships in general. 

  • DUMBBEACHPLEASE

    SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE LAME AND THEY URK YOU FOR SO LONG UNTIL IT’S JUST TIME TO GRACEFULLY WALK AWAY.

  • Bluekissess

    After reading this I’ve made the best decision in ending my friendship. I can’t stand a drama invested person who tells my business. Loyalty Is Everything

  • Jbuck

    This article is so timely for me today (thanking God for the confirmation) as I am re-evaluating a 20+ year friendship and feel torn, but know that this person is stunting my growth and honestly, add nothing positive to my life.  I know it’s not an easy decision, but thanks for sharing this article.  

  • Ananda

    First of all, thanks for putting these all one page!  Second, this article is right on time.  I’m currently going through the process of reevaluating my friendships and this helps.  I think I may have one friendship that is worth salvaging.  Maybe…the other two or three that I have in mind are done deal.  On my end, there are no hard feelings but, I just know that I could never go back to the friendship because the negative outweighs the positive.  It gets hard sometimes because I do get lonely but, I refuse to open those doors again.  I’ve gone back (in the past) enough times to know that the friendship ended for a reason.  Good riddance.

  • L-Boogie

    Some friendships are not worth salvaging.  Learned that the hard way.