Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Waiting on a Ring & Rolling With Frenemies

April 5th, 2012 - By madamenoire

Dear Damon,

I just was reading the Ask a Very Smart Brotha section today and one of the questions was, I have been in a relationship for two years and my boyfriend still hasn’t proposed. I’m in the same situation.

Editor’s Note: Damon suggested another reader on Facebook answer the three following questions, before he could provide an answer to her query. This reader has also answered the same three questions.

To answer the questions Damon asked:

1. How old are you two? I just turned 28, he is 27.
2. Does he know you want to get married? Yes I’ve told him many times. He has said he’s just not ready for that step yet. When I brought it up back in November he said he would rather let me walk away then be forced into marriage. He doesn’t want to feel forced.
3. Why do you want to get married? I have known he’s the one for a while. I think he’ll be a wonderful husband and father, he’s my best friend and we have fun together. On top of that he’s smart, ambitious, romantic, he’s supportive, thoughtful and a wonderful person overall. I want to marry him because I love him and I’m ready to be married, I’m ready to have a family soon and I want it with him. He’s trying to get into grad school right now while working full-time, he’s also been engaged once before when he was younger and had his heart broken. He told me from the beginning he was very slow and initially he wanted to date for three years…I didn’t really take that to heart in the beginning. I knew him for an entire year before we were officially together, and our two year anniversary of “officially” being a couple is coming up this May.

I’m getting to the point that I’m willing to walk away if it’s not going to happen. I can’t be with someone that still feels the need to question if I’m going to be in his future or not..after two years. I think you should know if this person is worth it to go all in and give up all other options or not. He loves me unconditionally, he treats me like a queen but at this point I need a real commitment and just dating isn’t enough. Any thoughts?

Sincerely,
Tammy


Tammy,

Thanks for reaching out. It looks like you’re going to have to leave this man if you want to get married. Actually, saying “it looks like” isn’t concrete enough. You will definitely have to leave this man if you want to get (and stay) married. Why? Two reasons:

1. Even if a man is thinking this, him actually coming out and telling you that he would rather leave you than marry you right now means that…he would rather leave you than marry you right now. Think about that for a second. He basically flat out told you that being single and breaking your heart is a better choice than marrying you. Also, while it may be true that he’s not ready for marriage yet, regardless of if he’s “ready” or not, no man who loves a woman “unconditionally” would willingly let her go anywhere under any circumstances. Him being ok with losing you is a sign that he doesn’t really envision that type of future with you.

2. In the unlikely event that he does actually propose, I’m 99% certain it would be out of “nice guy guilt.” Basically, he wouldn’t do it because he wants you to be his wife. He’d pop the question so you’d stop asking him and he’ll stop feeling bad for leading you on.

Also (and this is for all the ladies reading this), a man doesn’t have to be told repeatedly that you want to get married. We forget a good percentage of the bs (birthday dates, names of family members, times we’re supposed to feed your cats, etc) you tell us, but “I want to get married.” is something that only needs to be said once. Do it more than that and it comes off as desperate and pleading, and that actually is enough to turn a guy off.

I wish I had better news to give you, but I get the feeling that you already were leaning towards what I just said anyway. Your heart might be telling you to stay, but your head and your gut are probably screaming, “Walk!” Listen to them.

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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  • Ifuaskme2

    She wants to get married because he’s going somewhere in life. Damon’s right. He’s looking for someone who’s more on his level. This post was all about him. What the hell is she doing with herself? He’s not going to marry you love. He simply hasn’t found someone better. Yet. Bet you by year three he will and you would have found out you wasted not 2 but 3 years of your life. Stop deluding yourself. Don’t walk, RUN.

  • Notagirlyman

    I sorry, I don’t think this was very good advice. In the Tammy story, I think her guy just want to make sure he makes the right decision. Clearly he made the wrong decision once as he was previously engaged. And he told the girl he needed 3 years anyway so because he was real about it he should get punished? If the guy is as great as she say he is she should be willing to be a bit more patient. Not saying she should shack up and wait on him forever, but AT LEAST give him the time frame he gave in the beginning. As for the other story, I think the writer is the leader in the group. If not the leader she definitely seems like the cutier of the 3 and the other girls are maybe a lil jealous. From what I gathered she clearly is shining on the other girls and is no where close to being the “Martin” of the group. Just another guys perspective ladies

    • Severine

      You’re reading too much into the letters. That’s always what gets us women into trouble in the first place…

    • http://tinawatkins.com/ Tina Watkins

      Good post.  I think the advice Damon gave is tricky because it ignores some pretty big red flags this woman is showing.  It is a HUGE red flag to let your biological clock take over, ’cause no matter who you date or marry it won’t be right.  It is a HUGE red flag to dismiss important and clear emotional needs your partner states.  It is a HUGE red flag to not seem to know what marriage is about.  I could go on.  It’s really one-sided to suggest it’s as simple as dude isn’t committed to her and she should bounce.  A friend of mine was with her boyfriend for ten years before they married because in his words, “He wasn’t the man she should marry yet.” It’s pretty selfish to interpret someone’s value of readiness and self-development as a lack of commitment to you.  Which is why I don’t actually disagree with the advice to leave:  But I’d say it isn’t because of this dude, it’s because of the woman.  

      Don’t date.  Get over the marriage itch and then get back in the pool.  Better to be single than in a sucky marriage, which is usually the salve for the itch. 

    • Sandy

      They’ve been together for 2 years, so why not he propose and they stay engaged for a year.  Boom!  There’s the 3 years he said he needed.  His faulty math will result in wait for 3 years for me to show interest.  Then he’ll want to graduate from school and by then she’ll be 35…

  • eloquence.inc

    …and if she doesn’t find better than him in all the years coming after she leaves him? Then what?  If she felt her options were so great out there, she would have been gone ALREADY…that’s the thing, women’s options aren’t that great, you find a great one and he doesn’t want you in the way you want or deserve, THEN WHAT?  If you intended to be single you wouldn’t have given him the time of day in the first place so “just be single” is a weak and pointless answer (that a lot of people like to give in response).

    • SimplyStated

       Walk. There are probably a bunch of guys she’s ignoring for him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506125093 Deanna Michelle Wallace

    Blunt and to the point and not sugar coated at all…leave him!!!  **OMG I love Damon he always tells it like it is whether you like it or not!!!  When he said to think about the fact that he would rather leave you than marry you…is when it clicked for me!! I pray she values herself more than him and will be willing to leave a relationship.

  • OSHH

    Glad I was never one to roll in cliques and found that out EARLY on.
    Silly, uncouth, low self esteem, shade throwing brawds are not my idea of friends.

    • weethomas

       Do you have more than one friend with whom you’all hang out together on a regular basis and enjoy activities as a group? If so, you are in a clique.

  • Spicy Pisces

    I love this guy Damon.if only he answered those questions asked to Terrence Dean.That man and his answers are a hot,steaming mess.

  • Severine

    Wow…I just realized I’m a “Martin”!!! Great advice, as I was never able to put my finger on the reason why this clique of bi$#$ at work gave me such grief when I thought we were all friends (initially). Never been in that role in my life, but ok I’m taking that advice you gave that sista and will apply it to my own situation. 
    Thanks Damon, you helped someone else out here!

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  • bananagram

    Damon, I just want to say that I really enjoy your thoughtful and insightful advice.  Thank you for giving smart, straight-to-the-point, and again (and most importantly), thoughtful comments to your readers’ questions.  I really enjoy reading your column!

  • Lalatarea

    I’m kinda on the fence with the first question. he was engaged before and told her up front he wanted to take things slow. and many men don’t want to get married until they’re secure and him wanting to wait till after grad school seems legit. and honestly wud u want to be forced and rushed into marriage when ur not ready?

    if given that ultimatum now from my bfi wud walk away cuz I’m not ready for that but that doesn’t mean i don’t love him and be willing to do it a cpl years from now. BUT if she isn’t willing to wait then yea she should leave.

    • weethomas

       I think past a certain age and years of being in a relationship, say 27 and 2 years, if you can’t answer “yes” to a do you see yourself marrying me in the next few months, it is time to walk away (or your relationship will inevitably end). Telling yourself that you’d be ready in two more years is just self delusion. My experience has been, once you are capable of vocalizing to your partner that you “currently” can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, the relationship is over. Sure, it may drag on for a while, but, still over.

      As we all know, things said in a relationship always have the “with you” suffix. I won’t be ready to get married for another two years . . . with you. I’ll never do that s3x position. . . with you. Everyone forgets this, then get’s mad when they see or hear about the person being married or doing something 6 months after they broke up.

  • Candacey Doris

    Thanks for bringing back the letters! The advice to these women was absolutely right. I especially like the advice to the second girl, the one in college. She needs to find some new friends. While friends may criticize each other sometimes, they’re not supposed to be constantly bringing each other down. The last thing anyone trying to get a degree needs are trifling friends.

    • ZibyFortunine

       I co-sign 100%. I think the advice in the letter is good too, but I’d like to add that being in college is not the time to be someone’s Martin. I took on this role because I was having trouble making friends who I could joke around with (most of the friendly people were a little stale), but being around those people was bad news and it got me down. If you wanna be the clown in a group of friends, wait til you have a job and making your own money cos then when you get tired of the group you can bale. You know, when I was in college it was like the social scene felt like my whole world but nothing could be further than the truth. I’m loving life now even tho school was rough. Hang in there, and try to spend less time with friends like those.

  • Diva Please

    Men are simple creatures and if they say something as blunt as ”
    he would rather let me walk away then be forced into marriage” then he means it. We as women have to stop trying to read more into what is being said! He said what he meant and meant what he said. Simple. Take these words and move on.

  • Jus Sayin’

    bruh was keepin it real -  he told her thetruth – but she didnt want to or could not hear what he was sayin’ not the first time this has happened and wont be the last.  Best of luck to Tammy, i hope that she finds someone that she loves and they love her back, and hopefully she is not in love with being married.

    • L-Boogie

      Good points.  Marriage is not a joke.  

  • FabienneDesrameaux

    “He basically flat out told you that being single and breaking your heart is a better choice than marrying you. Also, while it may be true that he’s not ready for marriage yet, regardless of if he’s “ready” or not, no man who loves a woman “unconditionally” would willingly let her go anywhere under any circumstances.”

    Cold hard truth…..we just have to accept it. No matter how amazing u are if he doesnt c a future with u its a waste of time. Sometimes you’re the only one in love they’re doing it for the convenience…u fit for now.

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