Is Being Nice Considered Weak in the Black Community?

April 3rd, 2012 - By Kendra Koger

courtesy of thewastetimepost.com

Have you ever woken up, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, heck birds even helped you get dressed that morning like you were in a Disney film, and life just felt good? With each step toward your destination your heart grew lighter, and if you weren’t surrounded by people, you would have clicked your heels you were feeling that happy.  But then you get in the vicinity of a lot of black people you don’t know, and before you realize it you are shrouding your happiness.  Now, it’s still there, but you feel the need to hide it.  You put on your stink’em face and it looks as if you’re smelling something foul.  Those same birds that helped you get dressed are avoiding you because you look like you’re ready to punch them in the face.   Now why would a happy black woman begin to hide her joy?  Because she’s afraid that she might be seen as weak.

If there’s one thing that frustrates me it’s stereotypes. But the thing that really aggravates me and makes that vein in my lower lid begin to pulsate with annoyance, is when people began to behave like that stereotype is a fact.  Now, I’m a very nice person, in fact, I agreed so much with Rachel Louissant’s article about being too much of a giver that I was tempted to look around to see if cameras were following me as a case study.  But one of the downsides of being nice and a giver is that people who don’t know you, or don’t know you well, begin to talk out of their mouths to you. And why shouldn’t they, you’re too nice to lash back, right?Oh, the naivete of wanna-be bullies.

Even growing up when girls would try to start things with me, my sisters used to chastise me in saying that I shouldn’t appear so nice. It seems that niceness is equated to weakness, and there’s a saying that “if you’re a doormat, you deserve to be stepped on.”  Now, no one wants to be stepped on, so people tend to hide those qualities from people who see them as proof of lack of strength.

I once worked for a company that I was a supervisor for and during a great day I had to give a tutorial to a new black employee and show her around.  She seemed nice and I didn’t think that there would be an issue with being pleasant with her.  But when I later went to check on her, she was vocally annoyed at my presence and if I gave her an order she ignored me.  Later on, I found out by other coworkers that she was downgrading me because not only did she feel like I was weak for being too nice, but that I was also incompetent because of my happy demeanor. The words “airhead” was brandished about quite liberally if I remember correctly.  Where this girl got the gall to judge my abilities to do my job within the first ten minutes that she met me was confusing.  I got the position because I was good at what I did, and also because of my nice demeanor, so why is it looked down upon in the black community?

That situation wouldn’t have been so annoying if it had been the first time, or the last.  People want to prove themselves to other people, and show that they are the alpha male/female.  However, trying to show out usually backfires. Like the guy who beat those women up at McDonald’s, or those Youtube videos of bullies trying to instigate a fight with a weaker opponent, and then seemingly weaker person develops Hulk-like strength and then DROPS formerly known bully, oh so viciously.

As much as I love the people in my life and I loved my time in college I always learned later on that people (mostly black women) didn’t like me at first because I was considered “too nice,” or that they thought they could run over me.  But when they got to know me they realized that I wasn’t weak, and then they liked me.  But because of those revelations I do find myself hiding my niceness at times because I’ll see girls getting on forms of public transportation trying to find a way to prove themselves to their ignorant cohorts by trying to pick a fight with someone who is considered weak.

Now, I’ve studied group mentality, I was a Sociology minor in college, I’ve read “Lord of the Flies,” and know that when people are looking for a way to exalt their supremacy they will try to rule over a weaker specimen.  However, in a day and age where we’re still systematically placed at the bottom of the totem pole, or we’re still being blamed for society’s ails, why do we find the need to exploit each other?  To me, true strength lies in being competent in daily life, not competent at hurling insults at nice people.  But until others realize this, I guess you’ll find me with my stink’em face on, until you get to know me.

What about you, ladies?  Do you feel the need to hide your shine as not to be disrespected?

You can find Kendra Koger, a freelance writer, being nice on twitter @kkoger.

 

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  • http://twitter.com/oprahsownceo oprahsownceo

    I think you can be nice and professional without being considered weak.  Just follow a few don’ts.  Don’t go out for drinks with your co-workers, don’t talk about politics, religion OR being black.  Don’t ask about the husband, boyfriend, or kids.  You can then be aloof but still nice.  The problem with some people’s “niceness” is that they translate that to mean you have to get personal.  Getting personal is what makes you seem weak, not being nice.

  • Caroneisha

    I think it all has to do with the generation that we live in. Cause I’m nice, quite and I keep a smile on my face. I smile so much my cheeks hurt (lol). An when I come into contact with older people they always smile back while complimenting me on how sweet and nice I am. All while saying how they wish more younger people was like me. But when I come into contact with some of the younger people they always look at me crazy. Like I just cussed their mama out, then they ask why I smile so much. And really I just shrug and with a smile and say “I don’t know I guess I’m jus a happy person.” Sometimes they’ll smile back and tell me that my smile actually made them feel better or helped them through whatever problem they was just having. I don’t know but alot of people tell me that I make them feel at ease when I’m around. Like my grandmother used to say ”He who angers you, controls you.” So as far as being mean all of the time is not cute, it actually hurts you in the long run. Because nobody wants to be around someone who comes off like they have a stick premanently stuck up their a$$. But dont get it twisted when you cross me, let’s just say the coldest bytch in you’ve ever met ain’t got shyt on me. Like the old saying goes “The quite ones are the ones you need to watch.” With that being said I never got bullied, even though I was the sweetest. People never came at me like that. My mama used to say that people always knew how far they could go within the first few seconds of seeing you. I guess she was right (lol). So jus be you and it’ll be alright, god bless!!

  • Ladybug94

    I really get bothered when people are mean for no reason and they are probably that way because someone probably tried to take their kindness for a weakness.

  • FromUR2UB

    Nice is one thing, but NOBODY likes a Pollyanna.  How can someone who’s always walking around with her head in the clouds relate to people?    

    If black people are the sole culprits of “nice-hating”, it’s probably because experience has taught us not to trust it.  A smile that doesn’t turn off comes across as insincere.   I can recall situations where I’ve felt uneasy about someone because a smile was stretched across the mouth, while the eyes communicated something else.  Someone even wrote a song about that, ‘Smiling Faces.’ decades ago. 

    On the other hand, if you’re being so nice that people don’t respect you for it, then grow a backbone.

  • Andrea243

    omg i relate to this article so much, I smile a lot and get the same kinda of reactions and then I feel like I always have to prove that Im not a doormat. Its really sad, why can’t we as black women be happy and work together . We have so much working against us society wise, I just wish people would understand that not every person has the same personality or is “white” because they like to smile SMH.

  • MsObsidian

    This was a really good article.  Very personal and I can relate to it.

  • MixedUpInVegas

    It is a relief to hear so many of my sisters in the gender remark on the fact that being nice has brought unpleasantness into their lives in the black community. It has been an ongoing issue in my own life as well. Being accused of “trying to act white’ or challenged to fights after school for no discernable reason made it hard to bond with people with whom I share a blood tie.

    Refusing to be bullied by those who choose to be bitter and angry at their lot in life has paid off in the long run. There is an old saying: “Living well is the best revenge.” The Lord has blessed me for refusing to do other than follow the Christian example of piety, kindness and love. It would serve us all well to follow His words and example.

  • Wow!

    Misery loves company.  

  • Anony

    I aint even gonna read past the headline…. NO!!  we NEED to tone it down!! We are farrr too hostile!!

    • Lindalee

       I too am one of the nice ones, but never felt the need to mean-mug just to fit into a mold.  Please don’t say “We” because that doesn’t apply to me or all black people.  Thank you.

  • Pivyque

    Well, I don’t think so. People assumed I was weak because I was quiet. My happy demeanor was never the problem. A lot of times I am told that it is a breathe of fresh air.

    • fitnessforlife

       Yes, this is a problem. I was raised to be passive and nice, and found that even my own family ‘took advantage of me’, even the one who taught me ‘how to be nice’. 

      I’m quite the bastard these days. I’m not nice, I’m a jerk, and I just don’t care.

      I was told to be nice, but not really taught the art of being nice so that my own spirit and heart won’t get broken – so that people won’t get the best of me. And they did, and no one came to my rescue (the person who ‘raised’ me to be this foolishly nice person).

      You gotta be smart with your niceness, that’s the problem…

      • Lindalee

         Your reply is unfortunate.  Being a jerk or bastard is not the vision for your life.  You will lose out on many of opportunities if you continue on this path, because of what someone did to you.  Forgive them and move on.  You are not the victim.  Life is only 10% of what happens and 90% of how you respond.  Things happen for a reason & now that you know who is in your corner and who isn’t in your corner, be wise, forgive them and move on.  No one said you had to trust them again or to forgive them.  Your attitude determines your altitude.  Trust me, find that niceness in you again and sow those seeds of kindness.  In will come back to you in abundance.  Sowing and reaping works whether you believe in it or not.  Be encouraged.

        • Lindalee

           …**typo** – meant to say ONLY to forgive them :-)

      • 4CloverLeaf

        Never change the nature of you are for the negatives of someone else. A lot of times people will put misery, guilt, and or pain they feel inside on you so they can feel better about themselves. Take your focus off the ‘actions of the person’ and look at the PERSON(S).  You can only be you in this lifetime and if somebody can’t appreciate who you are and you know who you are, **** em . Just know that everybody aint ‘cool’ as I use to describe any and everybody.

      • Pivyque

        Well, I don’t have a problem with it. I guess it depends on the people you surround yourself with. I am nice, but I am firm. I am very clear about my limits. I don’t think someone taking advantage of you makes you too nice, it just means that the person who did it is good at manipulation. However, I don’t give passes. Family or not, I won’t be tricked into anything.

  • IllyPhilly

     I guess in certain sectors. You can’t judge a book by its cover though. I know PLENTY of nice people  that has killed a person or two and would do it again and again. 

  • Mocha_687

    Story of my life, lol. I was teased quite a bit as a child and didn’t know why. I realized as I got older, it was because I was so nice.  I purposefully adopted this  mean “look” as a teen so people would leave me alone. I never grew out of it, to be honest. I didn’t live in the best neighborhood and even getting off the school bus at 14-15 years old, grown men would follow me around in their cars. I hated it. I figured less people would approach me if I looked mean. Of course, I am not truly mean – it’s a defense mechanism to keep opportunists away from me.

  • JN31

    I can say, and gladly that no, none of this strikes a cord with me.

    I will say that I’m not always the ‘nicest’ person, but I don’t walk around scowling- at least not intentionally. It may be that you, Kendra Koger, are unfortunately meeting mean, unhappy people. And we all will one day have to come in contact with that. I don’t think people with an alpha male/female personality will assume niceness is weakness. In fact, if you tend to have a dominant personality you can generally tell the difference. The woman you supervised just sounds like a bitter person. It isn’t a ‘black’ woman thing. I’ve worked with all forms of people, and the ones who came off as overtly “I’m not the one to mess with” was the one I ignored and showed no real consideration to.

    There have been times however due to my size I’ve had people on the train or wherever mistake that for weakness and the outcome for them was shocking. They are usually the weak ones and remind me of the well used phrase when I was growing up, “punks jump up to get beat down”.

  • Liliannohio

    In a single word…….YES

  • Chanda

    People mistake kindness for weakness no matter what shade you are. Maybe this explains why a lot of female bosses/managers are beyotches. The few that really are nice people try to get over on them. People may detest them but beyothces are going places and they don’t care what you think either. Maybe that’s my problem, too nice. Need to step it up, just a little bit.

  • RedButterfly81

    Sadly, but niceness does considered being weak to most black people. I was raised to respect others, give your seat on the bus to an elderly, disabled or pregnant woman. Help those who need help, respect others in a way you want to be respected. I was bullied in school for being nice and wanting an education and not acting like a damn clown and they have the nerve to say I was acting “white”. I’m still gonna be nice and good things will come my way in the long run and I want my daughter to do the same.

    • Lindalee

      Never heard that niceness was considered being weak to BLACK people.  I was accused of being an “airhead”, “too nice” and “acting white” too, but I won’t say that this applies to an entire race (black people) because of number of people said that.  If the a person woke up on the wrong side of the bed or is going through a trying time in their life, you will experience an unpleasant demeanor sometimes and that’s coming from mostly ALL RACES of people, not just black people.  Most of the people who comment about black people normally don’t have a collage of friends from other races.  Most of them live in predominantly black neighborhoods, go to predominantly black churches and have mostly black friends and family members, so they have a limited perspective on other races through lack of interaction.  Trust me, people are people & catch someone on a bad day, you can easily get cursed out, road raged and the list goes on by OTHER RACES.  Bloggers, please stop associating negativity with black people.

      • Andrea243

        No, I was a military brat, so we moved around all the time. This article isn’t far from the truth. Of course not every person can b categorized in one box, but as black women as a whole I can say this is true. Being friends with black people as well as a rainbow of others, I can’t think of a time one of my non black friends called me white because of my demnor, only black.They ask why do I always smile and such? Its sad because we as black women lose out on a lot of opportunities because of this

  • LALATAREA

     Yes and Yes lol but at the end of the day i know i will get further in life both career wise and relationship wise compared to those nasty attitude women so i dont let it bother me.

    • AfroChic

       I like the way you think, Lalatarea. I work in retail and while I get the most evil mess spewed at me at sometimes, I’m still very nice, but I become pleasantly terse.

      It’s a nice way of saying, “Don’t f*** with me today.” with a smile.

  • Rachael

    Yes. The fact that I am a nice person gives me grief, because people constantly try me. It doesn’t help that I am petite and have a baby face either. But I am who I am. God made me this way and I won’t change for anyone. 

    • Yeah

      The pretty girl always get hated on so does the attractive man.

    • really???

      being 5’3 and 125 pounds i have to agree.

    • mochaaa

      wow u just described my life lol. im petite and people think i’m in jr high & im in college lol & i’m often told im too nice but i can’t help it. 

    • Monique

      I have the same problem. Viewing kindness as weakness seems to be an American view. It is only after I go psycho and nearly murder some people, I suddenly receive respect. Ideally, you should not have to become violent to gain respect.

      It is a double whammy when you appear young. I am six months outside of being 30 and I am often mistaken (even by other elementary students)  for a teenager. Also, my voice is in the high register.  

      Anyway, that train of thought (kindness=weakness) is very simplistic. I will not change my voice or personality for anyone, but when people cross me they always get to meet Miss Hyde.

  • I’esha Gaptoothdiva

    I totally think that by displaying a pleasant and nice demeanor, often times we unintentionally set ourselves up to be bullied. When I was nice, people would assume I was naive and gullible. Often trying to play me for a fool or take advantage. However, when I was a “b**ch”, opportunities came rolling in and everyone wanted to befriend me. It had its drama with it as well, So I much more prefer to be myself. I’m that nice until you cross me type. It’s crazy.

    • Andrea243

      same here i met some of my best friends, AFTER a heated argument, its like they only respect you wen u act a total fool.

  • Ananda

    Yes, I do and not just around other black folks either.  It seems being “too nice” is perceived as a weakness to more and more people these days.

    • Ispatbooks

      I agree. I don’t think this has much to do with being black. This goes for people and our society in general. Whenever there is a negative attribute, black people seem to take ownership of it and give everyone else a pass.

      • Andrea243

        we do it the most though as a whole we must admit. I hate stereotypes but its all sooo true

    • RedButterfly81

      Ever heard of “kill them with kindness”?

    • Lauren Clark

      Yup, but if you are a b***h you are rude.  Go figure!

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