Is Being Nice Considered Weak in the Black Community?

April 3rd, 2012 - By Kendra Koger

courtesy of thewastetimepost.com

Have you ever woken up, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, heck birds even helped you get dressed that morning like you were in a Disney film, and life just felt good? With each step toward your destination your heart grew lighter, and if you weren’t surrounded by people, you would have clicked your heels you were feeling that happy.  But then you get in the vicinity of a lot of black people you don’t know, and before you realize it you are shrouding your happiness.  Now, it’s still there, but you feel the need to hide it.  You put on your stink’em face and it looks as if you’re smelling something foul.  Those same birds that helped you get dressed are avoiding you because you look like you’re ready to punch them in the face.   Now why would a happy black woman begin to hide her joy?  Because she’s afraid that she might be seen as weak.

If there’s one thing that frustrates me it’s stereotypes. But the thing that really aggravates me and makes that vein in my lower lid begin to pulsate with annoyance, is when people began to behave like that stereotype is a fact.  Now, I’m a very nice person, in fact, I agreed so much with Rachel Louissant’s article about being too much of a giver that I was tempted to look around to see if cameras were following me as a case study.  But one of the downsides of being nice and a giver is that people who don’t know you, or don’t know you well, begin to talk out of their mouths to you. And why shouldn’t they, you’re too nice to lash back, right?Oh, the naivete of wanna-be bullies.

Even growing up when girls would try to start things with me, my sisters used to chastise me in saying that I shouldn’t appear so nice. It seems that niceness is equated to weakness, and there’s a saying that “if you’re a doormat, you deserve to be stepped on.”  Now, no one wants to be stepped on, so people tend to hide those qualities from people who see them as proof of lack of strength.

I once worked for a company that I was a supervisor for and during a great day I had to give a tutorial to a new black employee and show her around.  She seemed nice and I didn’t think that there would be an issue with being pleasant with her.  But when I later went to check on her, she was vocally annoyed at my presence and if I gave her an order she ignored me.  Later on, I found out by other coworkers that she was downgrading me because not only did she feel like I was weak for being too nice, but that I was also incompetent because of my happy demeanor. The words “airhead” was brandished about quite liberally if I remember correctly.  Where this girl got the gall to judge my abilities to do my job within the first ten minutes that she met me was confusing.  I got the position because I was good at what I did, and also because of my nice demeanor, so why is it looked down upon in the black community?

That situation wouldn’t have been so annoying if it had been the first time, or the last.  People want to prove themselves to other people, and show that they are the alpha male/female.  However, trying to show out usually backfires. Like the guy who beat those women up at McDonald’s, or those Youtube videos of bullies trying to instigate a fight with a weaker opponent, and then seemingly weaker person develops Hulk-like strength and then DROPS formerly known bully, oh so viciously.

As much as I love the people in my life and I loved my time in college I always learned later on that people (mostly black women) didn’t like me at first because I was considered “too nice,” or that they thought they could run over me.  But when they got to know me they realized that I wasn’t weak, and then they liked me.  But because of those revelations I do find myself hiding my niceness at times because I’ll see girls getting on forms of public transportation trying to find a way to prove themselves to their ignorant cohorts by trying to pick a fight with someone who is considered weak.

Now, I’ve studied group mentality, I was a Sociology minor in college, I’ve read “Lord of the Flies,” and know that when people are looking for a way to exalt their supremacy they will try to rule over a weaker specimen.  However, in a day and age where we’re still systematically placed at the bottom of the totem pole, or we’re still being blamed for society’s ails, why do we find the need to exploit each other?  To me, true strength lies in being competent in daily life, not competent at hurling insults at nice people.  But until others realize this, I guess you’ll find me with my stink’em face on, until you get to know me.

What about you, ladies?  Do you feel the need to hide your shine as not to be disrespected?

You can find Kendra Koger, a freelance writer, being nice on twitter @kkoger.

 

More on Madame Noire!

Tags:

, , , , , ,
More from StyleBlazer
More from MommyNoire

Comment Disclaimer

Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

← Older Comments
  • http://profile.yahoo.com/5HN5OQG5DEN54JEPVJ7TH7SYWM Real with it…

    Im am a dark skin, low cut hair,  quote “cute” educated, professional woman. I find that most of the time I am prejudged by my peers and others that do not know me and mistake my kindness for weakness. Especially my African-Am counterparts. Because of some life experiences, I look at life differently. (1). I do n’t take life for granted, I know to well that we can be here today and gone tomorrow., (2) I know that our Black men continue to struggle in society, but because I will embrace who you are and encourage you to keep on keeping on please do not get it twisted. (3). I believe in showing unity in my community outside of my immediate family. (4). When a brother ask me why my career choice of crime & justice? and I answer without hesitation because of you & brothers like you … Why are my actions so hard for my community to embrace? Why is it  unheard of to give flowers to the living ? I need to leave this small, backward a**town!!

  • Huggs2012

    Im the same way but I mix my sweetness with a touch of crazy. People learn. So this just does not happen on Basketball Wives?

  • NubianPrize

    Yes.Sadly this is true but it seems to be worse in the black community where you can offend someone just by asking a simple question or speaking to someone like they’re a real person worthy of respect.  Just angry all the time. I’m a teacher & have been at  ( all black) schools where the kids,grades k-6, were so into hate speech that you could go almost a whole day without hearing a civil conversation among them. Snapping at each other with rude,remarks & antagonistic speech even in general conversation & for no apparent reason.GEEZ! Teachers are often criticized & warned about how  snappy they talk to kids sometimes. When you talk nicely & respectful to kids at such schools, you’re seen as WEAK & they’ll try to run all over you. Other teachers told me “in this place you have to wear your gorilla suit or they won’t respect you.” That meant I had to snap back at kids & order them around & talk mean. I did & it worked .OMG !  What a shame.That is not my nature. There are a whole slew of teachers in my family going back to pre civil rights days & segregated schools. Back when black folks, & society in general, had good manners & spoke & behaved respectfully to each other. Like it was when I was a kid in the late 50′s & 60′s. When my old classmates from those days get together,this is one of the topics that always comes up.
     I was so glad to get away from those bad schools, I thanked Jesus on my knees because I’d prayed every day for a way to get out. And don’t get me started on how parents talked to their kids. Cursing,berating & degrading  them with hateful language. Everyone’s on the defensive & trying to look tough with their “don’t mess with me” faces & hate speech.Look at the TV shows like real housewives, jerry springer, & others that feature bad behavior.Seems that’s what people want to see. Oprah’s network isn’t doing all that well & I’ve heard some say it’s because she’s too into positive uplifting things & folks wanna see cursing,nudity, mayhem & folks acting buck wild & stupid.

  • trustmelove

    I can totally relate to this article.  When I was  younger I was unmercifully teased for being “too nice” or  ”trying to be white” because I was, and still am, respectul of others.  As a young person, this was very upsetting as I wwas often made to feel like some sort of outcast.  But now that I am older, and I go back to that little town that I grew  up and on ocasion see some of those people who used to make me so miserable, it amazes me that I wasted any thought or emotion on any of them.   I prefer being pleasant because that is just my nature, but  if  someone miistakes my kindness for weakness, it’s a mistake he/she wishes they  had never made. 

  • http://twitter.com/blkbtty Ashley M.

    I’ve found it’s better to stop caring what people think, because clearly if someone thinks being kind is a weakness, they’re not likely worth the effort to impress.

    I’ve had fellow brothers and sisters say things like I’m not “black enough” because of the way I speak.  If only we learned to lift each other up instead of tear each other down for not complying to some media-induced stereotype… we’d be in much better shape as a community.

  • Amija James

    I think that black people tend to look at being nice as more of a weakness than others.  Specifically hood people.  I’ve learned that I can’t do hood people on any level because I’m not “hard” enough.

  • AfroChic

    I’ve always been considered ‘different’  because of my sunny disposition. Upon sight, people assume that I act a certain way, talk a certain way, respond a certain way all because I’m a black woman.

    Yet when they are shown otherwise, they because confused. Some are pleasantly surprised, and some look at me crazy and assume that I’m trying to be white.

    It never ends…

  • Tee

    I agree with the article… I always say, “why do some people have to bring the mean side out of me, just accept my kindness when I offer it” Why must i have to resort to showing you that ” I am NOT the one to mess with”, in order for you to respect me?? I was nice at first so why do you want to test me? because believe me, I don’t like confrontation but I sure will finish it!! But why must I even go there? Really? Some people just need to grow up,and also I have learned that I cannot control anyone else’s attitute, the only person i have control over is myself, and I am learning that I Do Not have to stoop to a level of ignorance to prove anything to anyone. because that person is NOT worth my time and energy, ~movingrightalongandstillsmiling~ :)

← Older Comments