True Life: I’m a Girlfriend to a Man in An Open Marriage…Part II

March 26th, 2012 - By madamenoire

By Anonymous

Mo'Nique and husband Sidney. She once claimed they had an "open marriage." Source: mycliquemag.wordpress.com

I am writing a response in regards to the article I wrote last week about being the girlfriend of a man who is in an open marriage. It seems I had quite a few questions, comments and concerns about this situation, and I am here to address a few of them and clarify some things. Hopefully.

First off, this is very new for me. The married man and I have not been together long, and I am the newest of the women in his circle. Therefore, I am just learning how to adjust and handle this open relationship in regards to time, insecurities and fears.  I don’t know if anyone can relate to being around someone who, even though you may not see them often, can make you feel as if you are the only person in the world in his life; that can make you feel comforted, safe and secure and loved just by the sound of their voice. It is an amazing feeling to have and it allows a lot of those “technical difficulties” to melt away, at least for a little bit. People have insecurities in monogamous relationships, being open doesn’t change anything. But being able to have open and honest conversations about what your partner is feeling and doing, wanting and needing allows those insecurities to diminish because you’re able to speak freely without any fear or guilt.
My fears right now are based around questions: Is this going to last? Or is this what I really want? I have come to the realization that I can’t determine what’s going to happen down the road, I can only determine today. And today, right now, I believe our relationship will last. I know this is what I want, because I know, in the short time I have been involved in this open relationship, I have learned more about myself, become more open to seeing other sides of myself, and I am loving myself even more. So yes, this is what I want. It is not to say I will not have another serious relationship with someone else, because more than likely, I will find someone who lives closer to me. But despite that, I plan on keeping him as a constant factor in my life.

A big concern in the comments was his relationship with his wife. Yes, his wife does have other partners who he knows, converses with, and seems to respect as well. Yes, he and his wife do have kids who know everything and seem to have an understanding about their open marriage.
This relationship is not about me allegedly having low self-esteem, a want to just have anyone in my life, convenience or any other negative connotation you can create in your mind. It was a friendship formed through emails, speaking on the phone and texting, which turned into an immediate connection when we first met. I would never think having a man thousands of miles away would be considered “convenient,” and in my own opinion, my self-esteem must be fairly high to be able to open my mind to something different because of the joy and love someone else brings me.

Progressive love in an open relationship is based on four simple principles: Its purpose is for growth while its benefit is love; 100 percent availability, which means no bail outs or cop outs; 100 percent responsibility, which means no victims or villains, and 100 percent tolerance, which means no blame, and no shame.  These four principles allow a relationship to be based on growth, where all parties are growing as a couple and as an individual too. We’ve taken the idea away that a relationship’s purpose is not for love, but for growth, because as each individual grows and gains more knowledge, then love becomes a benefit from that growth.

I am not here to create chaos in your minds or to cause uproar in your relationships. I wrote the previous article, along with this one, to enlighten you and to possibly show you a new way of looking at relationships. An open relationship may not be the choice for you and that’s fine. But as I continue to date other people in the city I am in, while knowing I have a man across the country who loves me and is the male foundation in my life, I am content where I am today. I am open to love from him and whoever may come into my life in a positive way. I look forward to learning and growing through this progression.
If you would like to get more information or understand these types of relationships, I encourage you to check out www.jujumamablog.com and open your eyes, your mind and your body to something new. Just my opinion.

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  • Brownbomer2

    You can try to rationalize your wrong doing all you want, but ya’ll going straight to hell with gasoline draws on! Girl you need counseling and JESUS! SMH

  • Angelina Johnson

    At first I was focusing on the marriage of the man and his wife, but what about the husband and anonymous? I know many people don’t think marriage is relevant or that it defines a relationship, but do you want to get married? If this man is all that you say he is if all things were equal (meaning he was single and not married) isn’t that were the relationship would be headed? After a certain age relationships are no longer just for fun you begin searching for the one to spend your life with and start a family. Will you have his children? Do you think it may be selfish if you do decide to procreate to force your children into a lifestyle they never asked for? I don’t personally believe in open anything why not just be single, but when you have no attachments (children) I say do whats right for your heart. However are you selling your self short by staying in a relationship that has no real endgame? (Unless you are staying in hopes he will leave his wife to marry you) 

  • Mariah

    This is some sad ish…all the women and men who want to sleep around with multiple partners with no accountability and no responsibility need their own island.  This is so very sad.

  • RahTruth

    This is self-esteem/self-confidence at its lowest. These men are dogs, and these women are enabling them. These women do not realize their true value. Such a shame…smh

    • DoinMe

      Thank you! I have never heard of such ratchedness. Not only is she ok with settling for a married man, but he has a stash of concubines. She’s giving way too much power to this low-life. 

  • LisaLane

    “I don’t know if anyone can relate to being around someone who, even
    though you may not see them often, can make you feel as if you are the
    only person in the world in his life; that can make you feel comforted,
    safe and secure and loved just by the sound of their voice.”

    I understand completely.  I’m in a relationship with a man who has a girlfriend and even though people may not agree with it. I know how I feel about  him and how he feels about me. I don’t get to see him often because he has to split his time among me, his girl, his family, work and church. But when I do get to see him I love and appreciate every minute of it. I talk to him every night and even though at times I may get jealous because he’s with girl 1 instead of me, like you said I feel safe, secure and comforted knowing he’s in my life.

    I don’t have a problem with open relationships at all, I think it just makes things easier because I don’t have to worry about if he’s cheating on me because I know upfront I’m not the only one. That’s one less thing I have to worry about during the day. One day I would like to get married and have children and if it’s not with him then so be it. I know what I’m doing and what I want today and that’s to be with him. It may change eventually but until then I’m completely satisfied with the relationship I’m in.

    • Mariah

      Do you really believe there is a chance that he’ll be the one you marry and have kids with? 

      • LisaLane

        I know that someday I want to get married and have children. I’m not saying that I will do that with him, although if I did I wouldn’t mind. We have discussed marraige and children on several occasions. With the conversation being that the both of us would like to get married to each other but he could be telling his other girl that too for all I know. But I’m not worrying about who I’m going to marry. I’m living for today, who knows what the future holds.

  • Problem?

    All of the perks….none of the commitment.  I love it!

  • Just wondering

    If its okay to be with other people and its natural… they why do you have to have open communication about everyone you hookup with? Why not just realize that he and all parties are sleeping around and leave it as that… I really don’t understand why you have to meet the wife and she has to approve of the new girlfriend…this is why I am not open to this idea… because it seems complicated and delusional I would rather have a closed honest commitment

  • Justdoingme

    I am in a polyamorous relationship. At the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend and I agreed that we would have an honest and open relationship. We are totally upfront with our other partners about the nature of our relationship. The other guys I’ve been with have met and interacted with him as have I with his girls. About 8 months ago he introduced me to this girl he was seeing and we instantly connected. Fast forward a few months and the three of us became involved in a beautiful, mutually respectful relationship. I have deep feelings for them as they do for me. I know most people would not understand but this works for us. Communication is a big part of this relationship.

  • FromUR2UB

    It’s interesting to me that the author keeps referring to her need to feel like she’s the only person in this man’s world, yet accepts being a member of his harem.  Does he really do all those things she says, making her feel comforted and safe, or is that just the realm she lives in, the way Nikki Parker was delusional for so long about Professor Oglevee?  Like Nikki Parker, does she also reject men who are interested in and available to her, in favor of this cross-country guy?

  • DoinMe

    “The married man and I have not been together long, and I am the newest of thewomen in his circle.”
    WOMEN? So he has more than one sidepiece? Girl bye!  I can’t with this foolishness. 

    • uradisgrace

      Yeah she’s a stupid ho!

  • Hrdblkman

    Most blk men aren’t satisfied by blk women they never are and never will be. I wish blk women understood this. It’s all about beauty for blk men and blk women don’t have it, that’s why we cheat and have multiple partners and never commit to you ladies.

    • FromUR2UB

      Why are you concerned about it?  We’re usually glad when men like you don’t bother with us.  It saves us a lot of grief.

    • Darcampb

       small limpd**ck boy? Maybe you should stay out of black women spaces since you hate us so much.

      • Surburban Soulja

         #THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!# You know it’s an EXTRA pathetic Negro Male Reject who stalks a WOMEN’s Lifestyle Website just to disparage us as a whole. You see what the loser called himself, right? (HRDBLKMAN) He didn’t elaborate too much because seeing all these pictures of us in our various beauty necessitated him using his two hands for the lotion and kleenex his REJECTED BUTT needed to let his REAL feelings about Us “c um” out!!!!!!! When a Brotha takes up with a Non-Sista; he’s doing the Sistahs a FAVOR!!!! He’s too weak to handle our strength and thus resents us for such. Five bucks says he’s a color-struck sellout who hopes procreating with a non-sista will result in his (pre-doomed) offspring genetically inheriting traits which will in no way reflect the ethnic features he’s clearly ashamed of seeing in the mirror after washing his hands.

        • jack_sprat2

          I’ve always been ambivalent about these guys, since I encountered my first in a stairwell in HS, back in the early 1970′s. He made a point of showing off his little blonde Betty, even showing his control by putting his cigarette out on her bare teat. (Her pupils contracted as if she’d just dropped a ‘mushroom’.) He was obviously doing it to get a reaction from a white kid whom he outweighed by about 80 pounds. Can’t say that he did; why would I have an emotional reaction to someone who allowed herself to be treated like an ashtray? It’s not as if “our side” had lost anything of great value. I was, however, curious about one thing, which this fellow here has helped answer: Was he ONLY “counting coup” on a white boy or was he ALSO shoving a half-grapefruit in his own mother’s face? (Such self-hatred.)

    • Ms_Mara

      No, you cheat because you lack moral fiber. That’s why you’re so full of sh*t. OWN your mess! lol

  • CherieAmore

    I said it before and I’ll say it again: Girl, you are headed for heartbreak and I would truly hate for that to happen to you.  Yeah, its all good in the beginning, but when you REALLY need him to be there for you and trust me, YOU WILL, he won’t because his wife trumps all of you playmates.   And suppose she wants to stop being open, which means he will have to stop too, then what?  No good can come from being “in love” with a married man, open marriage or no.  You just wait and see. 

  • Yolanda Penn

    people will say anything to themselves to make wrongs right. God said thy should not covenant another spouse, or does tht matter. if u were really secure within urself this wouldnt even be a thought. U would believe tht God has a man for u, then u had the nerve to ask urself would it last.. U would also knw the karma tht will come bck on u

    • really?

      you mean “covert” right?

      but before you bring God into the conversation you need to consider the fact that she might not be a christian, or even care about religion for that matter…

      • Editor

         you mean “covet,” right?

  • Enjoli Robinson63

    A marriage is between one man and one woman, I think we are forgetting the bible and making things up as we go about marriage. If you wanna know if its going to last ask him to leave his wife…….

    Fool he won’t do it, he is having his cake cookies and ice.cream at the same time. You are crazy to.think the lust of your relationship will last.

    E. Polite

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/KQQW2GHEDKQSSFSJJA7PFIMCDA Mina

    The girl is deluding herself. These types of open/closed multi-sided relationship do not sustain society. This IS about low-self esteem. Can we just move on? 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/KQQW2GHEDKQSSFSJJA7PFIMCDA Mina

    Monique never claimed to be in an open marriage and cleared up those comments when Tyrese was on her show and quoted her in his book. 

  • Ronique Nicole

    If your happy, I’m happy. Marriage isn’t the only path to happiness when it comes to relationships. In fact marrying historically is about property. Men married women so that their property, and assets could rightfully pass down to their children. Marrying for romantic love, is a new concept in society. Many are in an “open” relationship and they just don’t know it. I’ve heard it from women young and old, accepting men who are “respectable cheaters”, who “do what men do”. Wrapping up the human need for procreation in these cute lil’ sayings don’t mean the issue isn’t there. The issue is that men and women are not naturally meant to be with just “one” person over a lifetime. Social and cultural pressures have made women suppress this urge more then men. People hear the word “open” relationship and write it off as a hall pass to screw whoever, whenever, but that isn’t the case. Judge not, what you know nothing about. No relationship whether it be Monogamous or otherwise is immune to issues and problems, but you have one life to live, and what works for you, works for you. The problem is most are ineffective when communicating their needs in a relationship. 

    • http://twitter.com/T_Rocka1975 Leeyah D

      I agree, whatever makes you happy do it, because you are the only one living your life, even though it may affect others. As to having this lifestyle with children involved makes this a sticky situation. I don’t know what to say about that, but I think it is important to be honest with your children and let them know it is your choice and they don’t have to have a relationship like that when they grow up. Just my opinion. As far as going to hell, there are more sins that people do every day. ALL SINS ARE WEIGHTED THE SAME. There is no sin worse than the other in God’s eye. So those of you who want to throw religion in it, do you not sin? Repentance is for everybody no matter what they do. And every body does not practice or believe in the same religion. So what wrong for you may be right for another. Ijs. Live your own life and don’t worry about others. Okay I’m done.  I know I went way off topic.

      • jack_sprat2

        Ain’t idle gossip, not when you go to the trouble of putting up two long posts about it on an open web-site. Either she herself still has misgivings about it or she’s proselytizing.

  • kingdomwoman

    im in shock, there is NO such thing as an open marriage, and ms. anonymous here is totally deluded to not even see that this man is using her and this concept to continue in his cheating ways, marriage is a manogamous union, it is not an open one, end of story. This woman needs to get her self-esteem checked and find a single man, its women like her that create the chaos in marriage if mr. man is in such an open marriage why doesn’t he get divorced   and live a single life with her. smh….

  • DXTASY

    This article is so over the top I’m wondering if it’s really legit.

  • kingdomwoman

    i find this distasteful  there is no such thing as an open marriage, u are deluded to even think such, he is basically cheating n your encouraging this i suggest that ms. anonymous get her self esteem checked. Marriage is a monogamous union not an open one, do not allow any man to let u believe that u are contributing to him and his wife’s nasty swinger  behaviour do not be a participant to this, get yourself checked ms.. anonymous and find a single man and do this now. im appalled so totally appalled at women who demean themselves like this, every woman is worth more than to settle for this . Find your worth.

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