Should Black Folks Feel Obligated To Speak To Each Other?

March 20th, 2012 - By Charing Ball

"charing ball"So over the weekend I was in a more affluent part of town, getting my dog some natural and organic dog food. I know, bourgeois , right? Whatever, I care about my pup and his health. I mean, it’s not recommend that folks consume a steady diet of highly processed foods all day so why then should Coltrane (my dog)?

Anyway, it was s a sunny, unusually warm day outside, and there were plenty of happy, mostly white, folks milling about. They were eating their crepes at the sidewalk cafe and window shopping in their Birkenstock sandals and having play dates with their children and pets. Oh and they were abnormally chipper that day -perhaps because of the warm weather or maybe because they were trying to fill me out as to if I was friend or foe. I know it sounds bad but I had, and still do, Trayvon Martin on my mind so I was just as cautious around them as they might have been around me.

So, I’m walking down the street when I see a tall brown skinned older man walking towards me. Finally some color up in here, I think to myself.  As we got closer I felt myself, for some reason, getting more excited. I had the kind of excitement that only comes from being one of the few Black persons in a sea of “other.” Like I wasn’t alone anymore and if anything happens, at least I have one person to have my back. Or so I thought.

I’m beaming from ear to ear walking towards the man. I give him the customary smile and “how you doin’ but to my chagrin, he didn’t return the gesture. Instead he managed to do a move that I didn’t think was physically possible; he lowered his head and looked straight at the same time -almost as if he was avoiding any sort of acknowledgement (including eye contact and a simple “hello”) of me at all.

Now maybe he was having a bad day or caught up in an internal dialogue that prevented him from noticing the overly eager person smiling and speaking at him. However this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. It seems like every time I’m in a room where I am only but one of maybe two or three other black folks, we end up staying as far away from each other as we can.  It has happened so much that it got me believing that this can’t be an isolated incident.

I’ve always lived by the unspoken rule that Black folks should speak to each other, even if we are strangers, if not to show some camaraderie but just in general because it’s courtesy.  There is so much Black on Black hate in the world that we should try to be more civil with each other. Likewise, being in predominately white environments where folks have to navigate cultures between two worlds, I would assume that it would be nice to come upon someone else who shares your same predicament. But that’s just my thing. And I too recognize that not every brother (or sister) considers himself a brother (or sister). So should we be under any obligation to chum it up with a person of the same color at all?

Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.

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  • BrittanyLouis

    Why should I be obligated to speak to anyone in public if I don’t want to? Because we’re the same race? That seems incredibly strange to me. I don’t usually make assumptions good or bad about a person based on something esthetic like skin tone, clothing etc. 

    Now I usually give a nod to anyone I pass because I’m not rude, but my nod isn’t an admission that I want to talk to you or that I’m not very busy and going somewhere in a hurry. (I travel by subway frequently) 

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

       Why are you even here?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    It’s not his fault. I came from NY originally then I moved. And everyone on the street used to say “hey” or “good morning” to me. I found it weird because everyone knows NY people don’t speak to each other.  Just because we have the same skin tone doesn’t mean I’m going to be dying to start a conversation with you. And just because we have the same skin tone doesn’t mean we have anything in common, whose to say I don’t have more in common with the asian guy in the corner. I  still have the NY mentality, If I don’t know you, i will not speak. it depends on where you are, when I went down south everyone spoke to you, black and white.  In my experience it would be the white people who would strike up a conversation with me for no reason. If I’m going to be friendly then it’s only towards people I know, that I see in public,

    • Natalia

       FYI: “to speak to” someone doesn’t necessarily mean to strike up a conversation with them, but just  a simple eye contact and nod or hi as you pass each other on the sidewalk; you know, to acknowledge their existence.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

        oh I don’t do that either. If I don’t know you I don’t acknowledge you.

  • Mrsadkiah

    Maybe we should speak to everyone b/c it’s the polite thing to do? That makes more sense to me. I remember when my sister took me on my college visits back a couple of years back; she took me to her alma mater which had a small Black population back in the 90s when she attended and, though bigger now, still a small population today. We saw some random Black girl walking around campus and she nodded to the girl and spoke. I did my little not and slight smile of acknowledgement. As we kept walking she said “You should always speak when you see another Black person. There’s not many of us here” I personally had a problem with this. If I make that weird eye contact with ANY stranger I typically smile and say a quick “Hi” as I keep moving. Seriously this “unspoken rule” is ridiculous. 

    As for him deliberately not speaking to you…I personally find that kind of sketchy. 

  • Jayrae20

    I don’t necessarily believe that you should have to acknowledge or say anything to someone just because of their race. I have lived in predominantly white communities my whole life but I don’t get all excited to see other Black people because to me they are just another person. I am courteous, and smile to acknowledge people of all races and ethnicities. It honestly bothers me sometimes when someone of my race seeks me out just because I am the only other Black person in the room. What makes you think that I have anything more in common with you than the white girl next to me or the Asian across the room?

  • Sblbos

    I don’t want to believe that is the way New England black
    folks are, but to be honest I have felt that ‘sting’ far too many times for me
    not to sip the cool aid and believe it to be true.  I’ve made many excuses, particularly when I
    note that in many cases the coldness is from people of color outside the African-American
    culture. But you know, I’m not going to drink the cool aid as I am a Boston
    girl, born & raised and I smile or nod or in some way acknowledge people in
    general when I’m in a community setting whether neighborhood or work and particularly
    when it’s a person of color.

     

    No, no one is under any obligation to respond, and quite
    frankly, I’m not always in the mood to even extend a nicety.  However, our society in general NOT just in
    New England is becoming so unfriendly that a little kindness or pleasant disposition
    would only help us individually and us as a whole.

  • Zabeth91

    I think you will find this type of reaction more common among BM in predominately white environments then you will with BW.

  • Asantewaaspeaks

    I think that the fact that some black people refuse to acknowledge each other’s presence is part of the reason why the whole race is struggling.  I went to an entrepreneurship related conference and my sister and I were the only black women there. There were perhaps three black male attendees and the conference had about 350 people.  I started a conversation with one of the black men when I later saw him at the airport and he looked at me like “why are you talking to me?”.  He did not even recognize me from the conference and I stood up an asked a question at a workshop that he was in.  This is unheard of in other minority communities.  Other minority communities are self-sufficient with people of that group owning their own stores in thier own neighborhoods and supporting their own doctors, lawyers, plumbers, contractors etc.  Their money stays in their community and they alll benefit as a result.  There are few black communities in which wealth is maintained.  90% of our dollars go elsewhere.  We can’t support each other if we don’t even acknowledge each other.  Yes, speak up – please.  Some black people may think that they have arrived and they don’t need other blacks but cases such as Abner Louima, Amadou Dialo, Henry Louis Gates, Trayvon Martin etc. demonstrate that black men of any age or ethnicity or class or education level  can be targets of racially based injustice.  Studies reveal that black women are literally invisible to others http://www.thegrio.com/opinion/are-black-women-invisible-a-new-study-says-yes.php.  We should at least see and acknoweldge each other. 

  • Milesb

    I attend a small, predominately white liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere Ohio and it is a [un], and sometimes said rule that all blacks must speak to each other. Adults to students, African American to African international etc. I find that when I go home to Chicago this is not the case. I think some blacks in predominately white environments are afraid of being categorized as a “gang” of black folks or perpetuating the stereotype that all black people know each other. It’s definitely trifling of him to be so rude and not speak but he may have [what he things are] legitimate reasons. Also, some people think it’s beneath them to speak to a certain “kind” of black person, having locks versus relaxed hair has certain connotations that some siddity people think they’re above.

    • FromUR2UB

      Sometimes, we spend too much time worrying about what white people think of us, especially about inconsequential things.   It does seem to bother white people when they see blacks being friendly with one another, but that’s their problem.  I consider myself a decent person, because that’s what my parents raised me to be.  So, I listen to the music I choose, eat chicken and watermelon, because I like them, and wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen eating them in public.  Whites and others are going to think what they think of us regardless of what we do.  We can be a Harvard Law graduate…become president of the United States, and they’d still treat us like we should be swinging from trees.

  • Galenafiel

    I’m a southern girl, I speak to everybody – black, white, latino – with a big smile on my face, “How you doin’” or “Hola, como estás,” especially if they are looking at me too hard. And because I live in the south, I’m usually greeted in return. In my experience, many areas in the US just don’t have the ‘hospitality’ thing engrained in them. So what the author has been experiencing may have more to do with societal norms in her region and less to do with racial ones.

    • really???

      this!!!

      i live in the South too right now and i’ve noticed that here people smile and say hie to strangers if our eyes meet or something. the funny thing is (i’m a black woman) the only people who don’t smile back at all are other black chicks my age (early 20′s). black males (both young and old ) smile, nod or approach ,same with older bw, white, hispanic, etc will acknowledge except for other younger black women (college-age to mid 30s) . the ones in high school are ok though. i wonder why?

      • Ibuyorganictoo

         That whole “hostile sista” thang warrants an article of its own.

  • Lynne

    I just don’t get it; I was raised to speak to people (African American or Caucasian) when I enter a room.  I speak to people who sit next to me on planes, commuter trains and buses.  The responses range from “grunts and head nods” from African Americans to actual “hellos” from Caucasians.  Most African Americans look at me as though I’ve grown another eye in the middle of my forehead, go figure.  But home training wins for me, I’ll continue to speak because sometimes folks just need to hear a kind word.  

  • Imtheauthor

    Sometimes men don’t speak to single women because they don’t want it to seem as if they are hittin’ on anyone and they don’t want to give a woman on the lookout a chance to start something with them.
    I don’t always acknowledge a person with a word, but I make it my business to at least make eye contact and give some sort of recognition as them being human and in the same space. Especially if I walk in the room. Just common courtesy. If they don’t respond to me then its on them. I believe society is becoming physically untouchable and more media minded. At least that’s what I tell myself. Really, I believe the ‘slave mentality is alive and kicking.were too afraidto group in case massa sees us as dangerous and we get in trouble.

  • guest

    i used to, but all black folks ain’t your allies, especially black males.

     

    • really???

      yes!

      someone once said “a man (or woman ) needs to act like a brother before you can call him your brother”.

      something like that.

  • aDawn217

    He may have been from New England. When I moved to Boston from Virginia, that was one of the most hurtful things I noticed — black folks up here do NOT acknowledge each other. It can be very stinging, yet I still persist at trying to make eye contact and at least give the head nod. 

    I feel like it’s gotten a little better than it was 12 years ago when I got here, maybe because of the Obamas. But my trips home or even to NYC are a relief because there I am acknowledged and feel like part of the community.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

    we are the only that shows too much concern over stuff that just does not matter. SERIOUSLY??? SMH!!

    • <3

      EXACTLY. this is so petty!

  • Chessica450

    girl please!! skin color shouldn’t determine if you want to speak to someone or not black or white if I dont feel like being friendly or care enough to acknowledge your presence then ummmmm poof begone lolz but in all seriousness if am in a room full of white ppl and there’s only one black person there, and we so happen to be social with each other and no one else isn’t that promoting racial segregation?? I can just as well be talking to the white folks as well and not just only talk to the one black person in the room just because we share the same predicament….predicament being?? Racism? slavery?? BLAH! if I dont wanna acknowledge anyone then that’s my prerogative

    • Lalatarea

      that’s exactly the problem black ppl seem to be the only race who CAN’T ban together to further ourselves. I remember chris rock made a joke abt how when italians weren’t accepted they said duck you we got little italy and the chinese said duck you we got china town etc lol

      But black ppl won’t do that and idk why? yes we should speak to each other! mostly every other rave has come together to be profitable and bills a strong community that supports each other but we can’t

      • Guest

        I concur, Lalatarea. I don’t get this mentality at all. It’s so confusing and sad. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

         I couldn’t agree more LaLa. I find it pathetic that some black people will work hard to “separate” themselves. Some blacks are dying to fit into white america but fail to realize that white america doesn’t want them. Lol, and then when they fail and see this they run back to their community. Ha!

  • JN31

    It isn’t uncommon to be at work or in an outdoor setting and see white people only speak to other whites. So, I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all if we do it. In fact, I encourage it. I don’t do it all the time because usually I’m a good judge of people and if someone seems like the type I wouldn’t associate with, I don’t. But I wouldn’t let any white person know that. I prefer them knowing I stick to people of color. 

  • F3ral Anarchy

    interesting situation.  it happens when ive gone to venues that are 99% white.  Im into heavy metal and attend maryland deathfest every year and there are about 2 handfuls of black faces ive noticed over the years that are there every year.  we walk past each other and i’ll do the “waddup” nod to a brotha and…..nothing.  its almost like they want to be THE token black guy at the spots and dont feel comfortable seeing other blacks.  

    • Guest

      That is very true. The same thing happens to me, especially with black females! It’s so odd, sometimes, I feel like if they’re not the only black girl there, they get threatened. I’m not trying to take credit for anything, I’m just trying to have a good time. Lighten the f$%# up! 

      Actually, even with some black guys that happens to me…but then again, maybe it’s because they’re not into the dark meat. 

      • Surburban Souljah

        Sorry for those Color Struck idiots boo. Don’t take it personally. Thank God in advance that you won’t end up with a Knee Slapper who acts like a (considerably light-brown complexioned) female is an ethreal entity whose skin color plays a role in their overall worth. It’s maddening to have to hear a guy praise a hue that’s primarily due to the sexual violation of my grandmother(s) by their slavemaster/s. Thank God you won’t have to provide a 15 minute Ethnicity Dissertation when you have children because they just GOTTA know ‘what’s your baby mixed with’? Just keep on Representin and don’t pay them ig’nants no neva-mind!!!

  • Sophia

    I do the opposite I like to stay away from Black people I dont know but hey I’m from the UK we do things differently 

    • BEPROUD!

      this is the kinda ignorance that slows are people down instead of getting us ahead. I understand there are some type of people regardless of race that you should stay away from but i love to surround my myself with respectful,strong minded BLACK people who want to go somewhere with their lives you should try it maybe you’ll gain same self worth because right now you remind me of those black women and men who dislike or even hate their own people and i feel sorry for those type of people because God forbid if anything was to happen to you or someone you love like the Trayvon martin case guess who is gonna back you up and guess who will be throwing bananas at you?

      • BrittanyLouis

        So everyone you meet is “strong minded who want to go somewhere in their lives?” If you think so, you’re kind of naive. I don’t assume that anyone is anything based on their complexion, their clothing, or any other outward sign on their person. 

        There are however time avoiding black people is a good thing. I have never met an African or Jamaican in Philadelphia who has been respectful to me on the street. They frequently yell disgusting things at me from their cars or on the sidewalk pretty much everytime I go outside whether I am wearing a parka or tank top heading to the gym. After living here for 3 years I can’t help but immediately pull back when a man with a deep island accent asks me my name. Even if he means well, I’ve become soured to their attention because it is 95% of the time negative. Hell I had 2 African friends who I knew for a few years who both turned on me and attempted to bully me into sleeping with them. One even pulled up to a hotel after we went to dinner and I had to threaten to walk for him to take me home (the last time we spoke). So yeah… I avoid them on the street and I don’t feel bad for doing it, because at this point in my life and in the city and neighborhood I live in… avoiding them is a safety thing. 

        Don’t be so quick to judge or assume a person isn’t proud of being black or knowing black people. I’m just very very particular about the people I have in my life and I don’t assume that anyone of any race is safe. 

        • Lalatarea

          i thought she said she likes to surround herself with those kind of people? as in she would get to know them and if they seem to display those traits then she would speed more time with them.

          it seems like u didn’t like her comment sooo u decided to completely take her words out of context to name call, hmmm

        • Surburban Souljah

          I with ya, Brit! Because of the stupendous phenomena of our ‘fellow’ descendants of Mother Africa being so bloomin COLOR STRUCK—-gals like us gotta bear a wee bit thicker coat of armor just to walk down the street in peace. Sadly, many non-American (but of African descent) men see the likes of you and I and it’s all they can do to control their drooling at 1st sight!!!

          And THEN; via courtesy of PORNOGRAPHY….fellas like your NOT-so-Gentlemen friends have already obsessed over ‘our type’ over countless tissues and generous squirts of lotion—-so to ‘meet us in the flesh’…….Ain’t easy being tenderloin in a world of ground hamburger. 

          Even to but make EYE CONTACT when we DO reckon up the courage to reply to (their) “How You Doin?”—–may The Force be With Us just tryna catch the dang bus we’re about to miss.  Why? It’s 85/100 likely that an innocent blink (not wink!!!)

          • Suburban Souljah

            OOPS (lemme finish, lol!):

            Why? It’s 85/100 likely that an innocent blink (not wink!!!) will result to (That Type) all but shackling our wrist to theirs as they SpeedInterogate upon all subjects including; relationship status, sexual preference, number of children, and my ‘favorite’: “I would love to come by and chill withchu later. Maybe tonight?”

            Nope. We sure DONT always gotta speak. Whatever happened to Mamma’s Adage: “Never talk to strangers!”?

            • Ibuyorganictoo

               Work to avoid your own people? I don’t even understand that. I’m a lot more inclined to hit the power locks on my doors if I’m out at night and a white male walks by my car. Not meaning to sound racist, but most serial killers are white males. . . .

              • Surburban Soulja

                 Females who look like Brit & I gotta resort to different means in the streets.  Ain’t our fault the world’s so colorstruck!

          • perplexed

            wow,can you say racist and classist?

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

       Retarded. Yes, I said the R word. I think it fits strongly here.

  • Sasseynsweet

    You’re like me; giving him the benefit of the doubt, like maybe he had stuff going on internally. But then again, maybe he is not grounded in what we call “Blackness.” Maybe he was a Black Latino. You never know. But, to answer your original question, the logical answer is no. The southerner in me says YES!

  • autumn_breeze

    I will admit, I work in a very predominately white setting and whenever I see a black person I always nod my head, smile, say “how you doin’?”, or some other form of acknowledgement. In my unit (I work in a hospital), there are 4 blacks out of 40-something staff members. And yes we are friends and have our girls night/day out. And that is because there have been some racial comments made, so I prefer to hang with my own….but that is a whole other issue.

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