Should Black Folks Feel Obligated To Speak To Each Other?

March 20th, 2012 - By Charing Ball

"charing ball"So over the weekend I was in a more affluent part of town, getting my dog some natural and organic dog food. I know, bourgeois , right? Whatever, I care about my pup and his health. I mean, it’s not recommend that folks consume a steady diet of highly processed foods all day so why then should Coltrane (my dog)?

Anyway, it was s a sunny, unusually warm day outside, and there were plenty of happy, mostly white, folks milling about. They were eating their crepes at the sidewalk cafe and window shopping in their Birkenstock sandals and having play dates with their children and pets. Oh and they were abnormally chipper that day -perhaps because of the warm weather or maybe because they were trying to fill me out as to if I was friend or foe. I know it sounds bad but I had, and still do, Trayvon Martin on my mind so I was just as cautious around them as they might have been around me.

So, I’m walking down the street when I see a tall brown skinned older man walking towards me. Finally some color up in here, I think to myself.  As we got closer I felt myself, for some reason, getting more excited. I had the kind of excitement that only comes from being one of the few Black persons in a sea of “other.” Like I wasn’t alone anymore and if anything happens, at least I have one person to have my back. Or so I thought.

I’m beaming from ear to ear walking towards the man. I give him the customary smile and “how you doin’ but to my chagrin, he didn’t return the gesture. Instead he managed to do a move that I didn’t think was physically possible; he lowered his head and looked straight at the same time -almost as if he was avoiding any sort of acknowledgement (including eye contact and a simple “hello”) of me at all.

Now maybe he was having a bad day or caught up in an internal dialogue that prevented him from noticing the overly eager person smiling and speaking at him. However this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. It seems like every time I’m in a room where I am only but one of maybe two or three other black folks, we end up staying as far away from each other as we can.  It has happened so much that it got me believing that this can’t be an isolated incident.

I’ve always lived by the unspoken rule that Black folks should speak to each other, even if we are strangers, if not to show some camaraderie but just in general because it’s courtesy.  There is so much Black on Black hate in the world that we should try to be more civil with each other. Likewise, being in predominately white environments where folks have to navigate cultures between two worlds, I would assume that it would be nice to come upon someone else who shares your same predicament. But that’s just my thing. And I too recognize that not every brother (or sister) considers himself a brother (or sister). So should we be under any obligation to chum it up with a person of the same color at all?

Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/dyna.sty.16 Dynasty Circle

    It’s funny I heard John Singleton speak on the Poetic Justice director commentary how when black people see other black folks we get excited lol it is true i feel like “Hey I don’t know you but we family and thank god you are here and we are not alone.” It is a rude as hell for black people not too atleast nod to one another when in passing in public it’s just the “Rules” . Now I think the dude was either a tom or freaked out and trying to from point A to Point B after and caucasian overload.

  • Geplaw

    I first encountered this custom in college.  I am from a bigger city and didn’t experience this custom except perhaps in my neighborhood.  I think if it as a custom one that is more common in smaller more southern towns.  I am from a bigger city that has a large African American population and don’t feel obliged to acknowledge people on crowded city streets.  In certain circumstances I am alert for body language that suggests an acknowledgement may be welcome and give it or respond to it then.  I don’t force the issue or feel put off if I sense that another person won’t welcome the contact.

  • Alexcia

    hmm.. speaking from PERSONAL experience I love when I see atleast one other person of colour around. BUT its always and I mean ALWAYS backfired on me. High school I had a handful of black people that I talked to and they all got mad at me for not having any black friends in my circle. Accused me of being whitewashed and not black enough.
    Undergrad was ok cause school was 99.9% black.
    Now Im doing certificate and there is 1 other black girl in the class and Id chew my arm off before I talk to that b****. She is everything people stereotype us to be. Loud, argumentative, and ordinary. And again she is mad at me because as the other black girl in the class we should be friends right? WRONG
    Point is if we have nothing in common but the colour of our skin then I guess we have nothing in common. 

  • n&h

    I dont but i live in a big city where no one speaks to anyone they dont know. My mother never told me that as a black person i should speak to other black people just because there black. she told me not to speak to strangers and that is a rule i live by. I do a sheepish grin in the persons general direction because im truly not comfortable talking to random people. Honestly i think people who just speak to me on the train or walking down the street, black or white are a little crazy and i try to stay away from them. 

  • Ibuyorganictoo

    When I have an encounter like the one described in this article I tend to think they are the type of African American who would prefer to be anything but African American and that the reason they’re in a predominately white setting is to avoid others of their kind. I must say that whole “OMG, I hope she doesn’t see me/talk to me” posture kinda pisses me off.

    • perplexed

      you and me both.

  • Yup400

    Yes we should and we should teach our children to do the same.  It’s a black thang!

  • Elizabeth Calhoun

    Yes, I think black people should speak to each other if they are the minority in a room, on a street, or wherever…..  Come on, really?!  Why wouldn’t we? 

  • Gmarie

    no. but it would be nice to have some of that old comradery back

  • Suburban Souljah

    It depends on the location of the interaction with (a virtual Stranger…regardless of their ethnicity).  When utilizing public transportation; “How You Doin?” usually leads to a (nauseatingly annoying) song-and-dance of “Where’s Yo Huzzban?” “Why YOU single?”—and a lot of other ‘toooldforthisspit’ detail that motivates me to neva stop hustlin for my new car.  Sometimes with the Sistahs; depending on whether they are with their (companion) will determine if it’s even WORTH a ‘how you doin?’ In this day and age; a light-skinned, petite (125 lbs), long-haired Sister knows better than to give (The Insecure Female Creature usually glaring at [me]) ANNNYYYEEE reason to make one think “That fake-a– b–ch just tryna take my man!”. So….

    • perplexed

      “insecure female creature” ????

      YOU’RE the one with issues.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSapphireEmpress96?feature=mhee A.J.

    I know the feeling.  I do this as well, and it is very hurtful (not to mention rude) when another Black person just ignores you or keeps on walking by.  It’s not that one should use a person’s color as a determinant whether they speak to them or not. Friendly and polite people come in all shapes and colors.  It’s just that when you are one of the few Black people in a room, or on the street, there’s a type of joy/surprise that comes from seeing another brown face.  Interestingly, I find that a lot of Black people will go out of their way NOT to speak to another Black person as a sort of self-awareness; they don’t want everyone else to think they are speaking to that person because they’re Black.  Weird, but sadly true.

  • Kara

    The Whole Food Blacks try so hard to be on their best behavior.  It is commical.  There was a point in time that we spoke to each other it was natural and there was nothing about feeling obligated…we just liked other black people.  Fast forward 2012 and we have a black president.  A lot of blacks think that they have arrived.  The funny thing is that if they think that white people accept them that they dont need black people.  WRONG!  Most whites dont like blacks that much even when they have a black “friend” or are in a relationship with black people.  Typically, suburban types dont like to speak to other blacks that they dont know.

    • FromUR2UB

      That’s very true.  People tend to think that white people married to black spouses are not racist, or people who adopt black children are not racist.  Sometimes they may like a particular black person, but can’t stand the rest of the person’s race. 

      But it’s so wierd that blacks in that store (WF) even avoid making eye contact.  Maybe you’re right about them being on their “best behavior”, as if they’re there by privilige, and consorting with other blacks will blow it for them.  Heeheehee!

  • FinVoilaQuoi

    Actually, my white friends used to joke about the black nod because I went to school in a small town in the middle of PA and I guess they noticed that it’s a thing. 

    I’m really torn on this question because I’ve been called snooty a lot (I tend to not notice people I know when I’m out and about, and I don’t really smile very much, sue me) but in making an effort to seem less mean and unapproachable, I’ve have also not had my “black nod” go unreciprocated. Overall I think that 1) this is not a cut and dry issue (I think we could have a long debate over whether it’s progressive or regressive to have the unspoken rule that the two black people in a room should speak to each other just because they’re black) and 2) I think we need to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there is a reason they didn’t say hello. Maybe they were distracted, socially awkward. grumpy, half blind due to a missing a contact lens or all of the above. 

    I think my unconscious modus operandi is to say hello to people that seem friendly – not just because they’re black.  Would it be great to have more racial unity? Sure, I’ll take an extra helping, but I don’t think saying hello and doing secret handshakes will get us there. 

  • kickash

    that sounds like an outdated idea. its not the 1960s anymore we dont need to do that. im not gonna speak to random strangers on the street just because they look like me.

  • FromUR2UB

    I’ve noticed that hispanic people always speak to each other, usually in Spanish, and it doesn’t appear to matter whether one person is upper management, and the other is one of the custodial staff.  But, I’ve noticed that whenever I go to a Whole Foods store, the black people shopping there try to act like they don’t see each other.  On my job, a few blacks do that when they’re in the company of whites.  It doesn’t anger me; I just feel some pity for them.  Sometimes, people who come from the humblest of backgrounds, become the most haughty when they think they’ve arrived. 

    • Guest

      Yes. Everytime I go to Whole Foods, the exact same thing happens to me! It’s so annoying! The only time I don’t talk is when I’m waiting for them to refill the Mac n Cheese at the hot bar…they be taking forever with it! LoL… And that’s when folks usually want to chat me up when I’m in a rush…but more often than not, I always say hello to everyone or try to acknowledge fellow black folks, amongst the other patrons, and they just give me the crazy eye like “why are you talking to me?”…I just said hello. I don’t get it. Not trying to be best friends for life!

      • FromUR2UB

        I know.  And if someone is going to throw their nose up in the air, why not do it somewhere it matters, not a GROCERY store, like it’s some exclusive country club or fine jeweler?  How silly.

      • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

         Lol oh man. I thought I was the only one crazy for the Mac N Cheese. Lol I know this is off topic but I go to the WF in Chelsea on 7th avenue around 23rd street. I’m obsessed.

        Anyway, WF is funny. I really don’t like the people who shop there and only go there maybe once or twice a month. I highly favor Trader Joe’s because the staff is so friendly to me and they usually strike up convo’s with me. Anyway, when I am in WF, the black people are usually just like me; in and out. I try to get in and out quick cause the “other” shoppers there can be a little stuffy and arrogant. I have dread locks and what’s funny is sometimes I’ll see a woman or man with dreads in the street or even at WF and we’ll give each other this weird but friendly look. One day I was in the supermarket with my mom. We both have dreads and hers are really long. We saw this woman with long beautiful dreads (black) and we all ended up talking. Turns out my mom knew her from the past but it helps to connect as black folk. Just saying.

        • Guest

          It does! I just don’t get it. I have my hair natural, too but often times, I get the opposite. We lock eyes and I say hello, and the other person just gives me crazy side eye. I just let it go, as they are clearly insecure about something.

          And on another note, yes, that mac ‘n cheese is no joke. I’ve made myself late for work plenty of times trying to get some. Don’t get me started about the Black Cherry wings…and the spicy greens? Lawd, my whole day gets messed up if they’re all out. LoL.  I haven’t been to the WF in Chelsea — I’m going to have to check that one out. I usually go to the one on Columbus Circle when I’m in NY. I’m sure that one is less chaotic. 

          • FromUR2UB

            BLACK CHERRY wings?  That sounds good!  I’ll have to look for those.

  • Exstasy24_7

    no

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