Play cute if you want to but a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.  No wonder so many women are over the age of 30 talking about “I’m waiting for God to send me a man”.    You sound pathetic and delusional.

First, let me confess to being an old fart(ess) who doesn’t understand half the abbreviations used by a number of the smart young folks posting here, but I think I understand the gist of most of the arguments. Actually, I’m not *that* old but I am more than 40. I’ve also been married since 1996 to a guy I dated for 5 years prior. We now have 2 kids. By the way, it was my fault we waited so long to tie the knot. I had a lot of excuses why we should wait (education, weddings are expensive, etc.), but, realistically, seeing my dad go through 4 marriages and 3 divorces to the same 2 women probably had more to do with it. (By the way, marriage #2 to wife #2 is now going on 30 years, to their credit.)

I can’t say I dated a whole lot, but I did approach my husband. I also approached, and was rejected–usually gently–by a few other guys–usually not at bars–so I do think setting is important. I don’t recall being strung along by any man. I strung along and rejected a few men, too. I confess to dating nice guys to see if they “would grow” on me. I am embarrassed to admit I first met and liked my husband’s younger brother, but he wasn’t interested in me. He just wanted to be friends. So we were friends, even good friends for a bit. (I still consider him a good friend.) He did tell me a lot about his older brother, so, when the opportunity came up, I introduced myself to his older brother. 

The older brother was hot, both then and now. I asked him to meet me for coffee. He then asked me to a movie. I made more money than him at the time, so sometimes I paid, and sometimes he paid and sometimes we went dutch (that means each person paid for him/herself). I’d like to think I was such a non-traditional woman because I took the right feminist classes in college, but probably it is really because I was raised by my father. Dads don’t necessarily know how to teach girls to act like girls. I mowed yards and didn’t wear heels, either. And I wore *way* too much make-up. Now I have a wonderful auntie and a grandma who tried to raise me right. They were both very religious, and so was I for a while. They had to pick their battles, so they concentrated on Jesus, rather than dating etiquette, trusting that Jesus would take care of all of it. My step-mom also tried, but it wasn’t an easy relationship for either of us. My dad was and still is a big influence in my life. My dad raised me.

Oh, and speaking of money–just for the record–until both my husband and I graduated from college, I made more than him. He studied computer science, so after graduation, he made *a lot* more money than me, for a while. We both continued our studies, and largely because of his influence, I gained more technical skills and made more money. Eventually we made about the same. He recently lost his job and is in the middle of a career change, so obviously, I make more than him now and have for the past year. He is changing to a lower-earning and lower-stress career, and taking on more kid responsibilities, and I support his decision. If I am perfectly honest with myself, I confess that I was jealous when he made more money than me, but he’s always perfectly happy when I make more than him or less than him. To him, whatever money we both make is our money. I care more about money in general because, growing up, my family had a lot less money. We qualified for food stamps. His family was middle class. Luckily he doesn’t fault me too much for that.

I have to say I’m so glad to be married and not dating. Dating was hard enough 25 years ago, and it only appears to be harder and more complex to me now. There are rules, but the rules are constantly shifting. The rules can differ from place to place, age to age, income to income, level of education, you name it. I think I broke a lot of rules without intending to back then, but luckily I did just fine. I think this is what saved me, and the only advice I can offer any young people out there trying to navigate this mess now. Try really hard to be honest with yourself, about what you want, about what’s really important to you. Try to know and understand yourself. Take that knowledge and honesty into any relationship with you, however brief or long-term. Try really hard to be honest with the other person about what you want and what’s really important to you. Hopefully the other person will return your honesty with honesty. If that person appears to be honest, try your best to listen and understand. If that other person isn’t honest, try to be understanding and let go of that person. 

To some degree, each of us are what our life experiences have made us, and we’re lucky when we can be honest with ourselves and others. Try to let go of bitterness when you’ve been hurt–if you’re honest with yourself, yes, you often won’t be able to let go right away, but trust that you can heal, and you will. Let all that love and beauty within you shine out. Don’t worry about asking or not asking, be honest with yourself and do what feels right to you. That’s my rule. Peace to you all and thank you for sharing honestly with me. Forgive me for going on for so long.