I’m Gonna Get Me A White Man!: Are You “Swirling” for the Right Reasons?

March 2nd, 2012 - By Veronica Wells

Here at Madame Noire we talk a lot about interracial dating. In one of our most popular (and most controversial) articles of all time, our writer listed reasons why black women should look to our fairer skinned brothers when it comes to dating options. We’ve done very popular slideshows about the white men in Hollywood who have a sista on their arm. We’re about keeping our options open when it comes to dating and marriage.  That being said, please don’t look to the white man to save you from your brothas.

Yeah, I said it…because it had to be said.

As an editor on this site, it’s so frustrating to see black woman after black woman claim that she’s “done” with black men; that she’ll just go out and get herself a white man, as if they sell them at your local corner store. If you want to date a white man, by all means go right ahead but make sure you’re “swirling” for the right reasons.

It seems that some black women have forgotten that sickening, rejected feeling we get when we hear a wayward brotha talk about how he’s “upgraded” to white women because black women have too much attitude, are nothing but gold diggers and welfare queens. How are these hurtful stereotypes any different from black women saying black men are all cheaters, incarcerated or don’t take care of their children? It isn’t. Just like those stereotypes [hopefully] don’t apply to you, neither do these stereotypes apply to all black men.

I realize, some of us have been so scarred, so emotionally (and sometimes physically) battered by a black man or two, that we can’t recognize and appreciate the good brothas there still are in this world. If you want to cross the color spectrum, more power to you; but assuming that all of your male problems will disappear right along with the melanin, is just ridiculous. Any sane person, whether they’ve dated interracially or not, will tell you that people are people, men are men. Some are shady and some are sweet.

Furthermore, resolving to be with a white man by any means necessary might not be as easy as you think. Just like there are some black women who are not physically attracted to white men, there are some white men who are not physically attracted to black women. You heard John Mayer. Please believe, he’s not the only one who shares such sentiments.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to discourage or dissuade you from dating interracially; but stepping into the game believing that every white man is going to want you because you’re black, is simply unrealistic.

If and when you do find a white man to love you, how do you think he’ll feel knowing that you chose him and his color as a last resort? Just like we don’t want to be someone’s chocolate fantasy, I’m sure white men don’t want to be the milk in your coffee. There’s so much more to people than skin tone and there’s so much more to a successful relationship than the union of two different races. Whatever man you find, whether he’s black, white or leopard print, you better make sure the two of you have more in common than your obsession with each other’s hue.

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  • m,g curry

    I love my zambian wife of 14 years and our great kids. I’m white man and i think black ladies are the most beautful women. It is about love,integrity and decency that matters no matters who you choose to be with.

  • Ntelos

    I just want to say that, I for one in my own experience have dated these so-called black women that “no longer want to date black men in favor of white men or men of other races”.. Two examples: One black female (very attractive) I met online on a dating website. When I told her I was of mixed background (half black & puerto rican) all she had to hear was the word “black” and she told me: “Due to past bad experiences I no longer date black men or anyone half black as you say”. I told her, fine I understand we can still be friends if you like, I really think you are a cool person & am sorry you feel as you do… Simply put one year later we were together! We had a great year together & our relationship had to end because she moved down to Florida to take care of her father and go to school. We just couldn’t handle the long distance thing, with my career in IT I was happy here in New York, anyhow we are still close friends to this day.
    The second example was another black woman I dated a few years later. She was cool, even though she was jaded toward black men she gave me a chance.. Things were ok, but as time went on I could see she had an even lower opinion for black men than I thought. I couldn’t go on with being told I was “weak” because I wasn’t into the natural food she wanted me to eat ALL the time. There were other things too such as “wanting to fight” who wants to fight in a relationship??  Then there was the weed smoking. I for one am not a weed smoker, she was & one evening I came over to her house & she was out of it, I mean eyes rolled back non-coherent, all that.. I started to get scared and watched her closely as I was ready to call the ambulance. Fortunately she came out of it. After that, it was a wrap and I broke it off. Again I was called weak & that I couldn’t handle a black woman.. lol.. Today I am engaged to a beautiful black woman I love so much we’ve known each other 22 yrs ago we lost contact then a year ago she found me on facebook and we are planning our wedding this August! Black women rock!

    • http://hizzandherzorganics.com/ nelson

      MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW IT BUT, she was smoking more than weed. Eyes rolling back & incoherent isn’t a WEED HIGH bro. Unless she was smoking from sun up til sunset that day!!!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/Z3OAR7HQXKIYFTZNNPCSCSMG3U dawg

    You totally ignore Asians.  Racist.

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  • http://thorobreadinc.com/ Mr.Ma2ts

    I don’t get this race stuff. His skin color shouldn’t determine whether you like him or not. More time should be focused on what TYPE of men you attract. 

  • TheTanningMom

    Love has no color. If you find you are in love with someone of a different race  don’t let society tell you different.

  • guest

    interracial dating destroys black peoples heritage,it makes me upset to see beautiful black women give up on black men for white men,i am not a racist,it just upsets me to see us black men turned down for white men lol such a shame and vice versa for black men and white women

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

      Black woman here. So far I haven’t turned on the BM. Why? A few reasons. 1. I want to preserve as much African genealogy as I can. 2. I love black men. 3. One can not forget history.

    • DARKMAN

      Don’t worry, there are 700 millions Africans, so we’re not close to disappear… More, any kid coming from them will be treated as black. It’s all good.. BM just need to stand up

  • http://greengrassandtealeaves.com/ Kay

    Makes a lot of sense.  Great article.

  • Lee

    I have to say.. I am so sick of this dynamic with black men/women . I will say this until I am midnight blue in the face. Black women/men are not solely defined by their skin or, the community’s perception(s) of their actions. You must marry and love the one that makes you feel happy, loved and, special. That’s it…That is all- it is incredibly simple. Hold yourself and your partner to the highest standard and, just be happy be free. In a way I am starting to realize (excuse my 25 year old naivete) that our greatest oppressor is the immense amount of pressure  we put on each other to do the “right” thing at the explicit cost of our personal desires. We need (for once in our collective history) to be allowed to be ourselves nothing more and nothing less. Don’t sell yourself short or tear yourself down all we have is ourselves in a way…

  • Pingback: Black Women who go After White Men for all the Wrong Reasons | theinterracialrelationships.com

  • From Tokyo

    For using the word “swirl” or any variant in relation to dating/marrying a Caucasian man, you lost me and also lowered the perceived integrity of this whole site by extension. This topic, especially presented in this fashion, serves the purpose to bait, etc. Since you got my attention, I’ll just say that perhaps once you realize that for many people it is simply about loving another human being PERIOD this will be a non-issue. However, I realize that you are presenting thos topic from the ever-ready perspective of someone who thinks of interracial relationships as something people merely “try” for “something different”. Not one to complain about a site yet continue to give it traffic, I’ll merely shake my head and keep it moving.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Just-Ron/100001146318146 Just Ron

    I’ve dated many different races/ethnicities of women.
    I date IR for all the right reasons~~I like women.That’s all there is to it.
    If a woman catches my attention, let’s have a convo.
    If we click, we click or not.

    Whoever you are, if you REFUSE to date someone because of his/her race, you are racist.

    BTW-I know the chick in the pic is a model butt, I still want to say that she’s pretty.

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

      Your post was/is probably one of the most sensible posts here. As a black woman, I can honestly say that I suspect that MN has some weird fetish when it comes to black women/white men. I don’t get it. I find men of all races attractive, yes. I can admit that, but I date who I want. I mean, yes, I would prefer to date a bm, but prefer is prefer. I’d be open to others but I don’t push for it because that’s weird. I don’t understand why MN has some weird obsession about these two groups dating.

  • http://twitter.com/Tonystarke777 Ricardo Quest

    Respecting a Black women’s right to choose  a white mate is the best the thing that can happen for the Black man!  

  • Shelly_98

    (*sigh) I love, love, love the conclusion that you’re dating a white man because you’re “sick of dealing with brothas.” I get this judgment alot… every time that I go somewhere with my husband (who is white). The hostile looks I get from both black women and men makes me want to wear a sign with the disclaimer, “I’M NOT REJECTING BLACK MEN! I simply chose to be with the person I fell in love with!” I swear it started to make me sympathetic to the black men who get ugly looks for walking around with their white wives or girlfriends. It also started to make me wonder why I had been so hostile towards those men and tried to analyze their deeply seeded psychosis and obvious rejection of black women. In the end, I realize now that I didn’t know those men. I was projecting my feelings onto them. Ladies, the truth is some people date out of their race for the fantasy element, for the exotic, or to just try something different. But some, yes, some do it simply because they fell in love. In that way I agree with the author that if you date other races, do it because you have more in common than an obession with skin tone. But why do you assume someone who dates out of their race has an obession with skin tone? Projecting much?

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  • http://twitter.com/robwoh Robert Wohner

    I’ve heard from black women that say they ONLY date white men. Because they’ve either been raised exclusively around whites or are making conclusions about black men based on media generated perceptions. Obviously I only wish every woman of any race happiness and true love regardless of where it comes from. But there’s such an underlying insecurity behind those sentiments I honestly feel for them. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

      There are bw who say this. I personally don’t understand why they feel the need to point out only dating wm other than what you’ve stated (insecure). I mean, okay, if you date white men exclusively, fine. Why point it out? It’s not some trophy. A person is a person. It’s like, they’d rather have a wm who beats them than a bm who treats them lovely. But, not all BW are this way. There are many of us who want a good man, whatever color, but it’s hard to trust these days. I wish all women and men good luck w finding who they need.

  • Jsladay

    I have been in a interracial relationship for 31 years for all the right reasons. I treat my relationship just like any other relationship, It my relationship. When we start being concern about pleasing strangers  who are not involved in the relations than we create problems within the relationship.If one is serious about committing themselves, than do it. Don’t let others dictate  the life that you choose to live, think and live for yourself.

  • maggie

    Why don’t we stop forcing our black selves onto people?  So many other people have negative things to say about us.  Where is our dignity?  Are there white, mexican, arab, (fill in the blank) journalists writing about the beauty of being with black people?  Have some self respect and look for reciprocity of attention too.  Also, black should not be reduced to a skin color.  Black is a culture with deep African roots.  This is why dating a white man is not that simple–there are polar cultural differences that can’t be ignored out of a delusional ‘colorblind’ approach.

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

       I agree. I agree 100%. I hope people see this post.

  • Pingback: Black Women: Are You Dating A White Man For The Right Reasons? | EURweb

  • Kay

    This is turning out to be a really strange thread. I don’t even know where or what to respond to. It almost seems to be full of posts by TROLLS, not people with actual opinions….

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