“Mommy, Are We Born This Way Until We Get A Weave?”

February 29th, 2012 - By madamenoire

Source: longhaircareforum.com

This personal essay, from one of our readers, describes how a mother learns from her daughter’s self confidence and subsequently vows to educate herself on how to best care for her child’s hair.

We live in a time that has constantly been referred to as the Information Age. Why? Because never before has information been so readily accessible. With just one click of a mouse we can learn about almost anything and thanks to social media we can now learn of the latest trends at lightening speed.

One trend that has been growing at a remarkable rate is the Black Hair Movement, I say black hair movement because whether we’re natural or relaxed, we, as African American women know more about our hair then ever before, and dare I say that a few of us know more than a lot of the hairdressers out there!

So with the birth of these new movements Natural and so forth, I often ask myself am I still teaching my daughters the right thing, and what kind of messages are they taking in from me and others?

I will never forget the day my eldest daughter walked into the kitchen and told me that a child in her class tried to put her down because her hair wasn’t “straight.”

“How did that make you feel, Muffin?” I asked her.

“I don’t believe anything she says Mommy, so I told her just that!” She said with confidence “I love my hair, it’s mine, and it’s an important part of me”.

I paused for a short moment, because not only does my child never cease to amaze me, but I remember my own experiences with hair and mean “non-black” children, and I knew for a fact had that been me, I would have folded. I would have burst into tears. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, a little outlandish, and you’re correct. As a child I had long beautiful hair until I was 6 years of age and my mother decided that my hair should look just like those girls on the boxes of a certain kiddie perm. Needless to stay I instantly went bold that day, and since then my hair has never been the same.

“Mom,” she started, “but what I don’t understand is why is it that all the girls in my school who look like me (they are currently only 3) and have hair like me but don’t have long hair! Are we born this way until we get a weave?” After sitting her down and going through the importance of her standing up for herself and loving and accepting ourselves no matter what anyone says or thinks, I began to explore her comments more deeply.

What is it about our community that makes naturally long hair such a scarce yet valuable commodity? What message are we really teaching our children? How does it compare to what we’ve been taught? I sat down for nights on end, researching black hair, both my children and myself have different hair types, and being able to access the wealth of information available has been a very humbling experience that I now share with my daughter. I have made them a promise to do everything I can to help and to teach her how to maintain, retain and love her mane!

” To answer your question,” I said to her, “the thing that’s special about your hair is that it is in fact your hair and while it is very different, it’s special and just like everything else about your life and your destiny you have the ability to make it or break it, literally. I can’t speak for anyone’s child, but I promise for the next 12 months, we are going to learn how to grow your hair, so when you’re a grown up, you can have the option of a weave if you’d like but it will not be your last resort if you want longer hair”.

Have you ever had similar experience with your own child(ren)? What values did you pick up about your own hair as a child? Are you part of the “I got a perm before my period” club?

Naturally Yours,

Trish

Check out this author’s Twitter page at https://twitter.com/#!/honeycurlstv and interact with her about your hair issues.

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Robinson U

I recently decided to go natural six months ago and although I’ve been loving every moment getting to know my real hair texture and more importantly my true self, my family has been less than supportive. My own grandmother who is a hairstylist of 30 years told me perm is good for your hair’s strength and does not break your hair. To the contrary I have come to realize that not only does chemical application eventually damage your hair but its function not purpose, is to inadvertently break down the self esteem and image of beautiful black women of all ages. At what point did we start telling ourselves that we are inadequate or less than worthy in our natural state? Why is it that too often we black women allow our level of attractiveness to be relative and contingent upon our best imitation of European standards and socialization that defy our own internal and external radiance? I understand that whether relaxed or natural every women is beautiful in herself. However, we are in an age where information is too vast and if we are going to fully overcome the deep rooted prejudice manifest over some four hundred years of American black history, a small way to defy ignorance is to begin loving ourselves in our most natural form because we are and always have been beautiful before any alteration.
334ladyM

This is the reason after 30 years of chemicals, I decided to go natural, and have been for 4 months now. MY 8 year old daughter would say from time to time that she wanted longer hair or straight hair. While transitioning, I really made an effort to learn all I could about natural hair, products to use and how to best take care of it, grow it, and style it. I love being natural and now, my daughter is so proud of her hair, and how much it has grown out, it is so healthy. My daughter is now my hair idol.
SimplyVirgo21

You know you can just stop perming it right? The perm doesn’t stay in your hair forever girl.
SimplyVirgo21

I recently decided to stop perming my hair because I want my hair to be as healthy as possible so it will grow long and rich. My hair is already about 11 inches long but I want it to grow as long as possible. So all I’ve been doing to it is putting conditioner and a light oil in it every other day. I also cowash( conditioner only wash) my hair once every week and only use shampoo once a month. Plus I clip my ends about every 3-5 months to make sure I retain and visually see all the growth that I have. I am excited to see how it looks in the next year or so. 100% African American women can grow long healthy hair, you just have to be extra careful and gentle with your hair and keep it moisturized.
college_grl23

Growing up I didn’t know anything about taking care of my hair because my mom didn’t know how to take care of her’s. And my little sister came to me one day and told me how much she wanted her hair to look like mine (I had a perm) and I spent a good deal of time telling her why I loved her’s. And I realized how can I get her to love her natural hair if I didn’t love mine. So now I’m natural, I big chopped in front of her. When I’m home over breaks, I try and show her cute natural styles and try to show my mom different stuff she can do.
Dr Byrd

I was fortunate enough to grow p in the 60′s and 70′s when natural black hair was a political statement and and source of pride. I had a good head of hair because my mother took care of it, not me until I was 18. No perm, just braiding, then press and comb. Unfortunately untill black pride kicked in we were ashamed of our curly hair.

In 1968 I cut my hair and left the press and curl. Mainly because I did not know how to press it and went to a white school in a white town where there were no blakc beautians. It was one of the best hair decisions I made. Short Afro, extremely easy to take care of . People think our hair can stand anything because it looks like steel wool, but in fact it is very fragile, grwos the slowest of all races and breaks easily.

I believe putting perm and extensions on childrens hair hurts their self esteem. They grow up believing that the hair God gave them is not good enough. Hair extensions should NEVER be used on a child’s hair. Perm can beqin at 12. Before then braiding the natural hair, not brading with synthetic hair. Or give the young lady a nice Afro so she can love her natural black self, just as God made her.
Princess13ga

I think that explaining that long hair is not something she should be obsessing over, african hair grows out, not down traditionally, please explore the eurocentric comparisons that have always been made against our african characteristics. Explain that she should focus on being the best version of herself not a forced version of someone else. Long or not she needs to know the best way to care for what god gave her and be proud of that first.
Anjayla

My 8 year old -third grade daughter says, “Mommy the non-black kids at school ask her why she doesn’t wear her hair down”. I asked her, ” HOw the other girls, who look like her wear their hair”, my daughter said, “the children who look like me wear their hair like mine mommy”… LOL
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=669429549 Go Stina

American society has taught us not to like our own hair. What a shame… our hair is so beautiful. I have learned to embrace my natural hair.

Check out how the NYPD feels about natural hair, and natural women for that matter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgHTzXay1ao

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnYAxQc9iwU
HansiCabo

When I had a relaxer, I rocked that and enjoyed it, but the reason I went natural was b/c I could not manage the length when it grew longer than I was willing to deal with. (I know that’s a weird complaint to have so sue me lol)

However, now that my hair is natural, I just put it up in buns and such and don’t touch it for a few days or weeks and it remains tamed and neat. I don’t have to spend valuable time messing with it everyday, but when I do want to expend the energy to rock it in a cute style, I can.

Natural hair gives you versatility and I love it! Give up the creamy crack people! (lol)
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  Very true,
  
  I also think that no matter what women choose to do with their hair, they need to know that facts, sometimes we spend so much time going for a certain look with such persistance that we dont realize that we are damaging our hair in the long run..
- lulu
  
  I had long hair before I went natural too (well not super long, close to BSL) and it only got that way because I stretched relaxers and braided up alot….taking care of it sucked but I could hide it away anytime or just wear it up but the worst thing about it for me was that it was BORING. I would do twist outs and braid outs on it and they looked nice but it was just long and boring to me. Also the fact that that I had to put a caustic chemical on my freaking scalp started to really get to me…the smell…oh the smell…I was getting relaxers twice a year before I went natural ugh..
Kisses

Great article and comments!

I, too, was ashamed of my natural hair as a child. I vividly remember being at the pool and getting pointed and laughed at by some older white kids because I had a thick fro that could rival Esperanza Spalding’s! I used to say I wanted hair like white people (funny enough, my white friends wanted MY hair!) and I used to love it when my mom hot-combed my hair straight. She didn’t really know what else to do with it, and never do I remember her or any other adult saying, “you hair is beautiful just the way it is–you just need to work with it!”

I received my first relaxer right before the first day of 4th grade. The
school pictures pretty much tell the story–my hair became shorter and
thinner over time. And even though I ASKED my mom for one, I surely
would talk any little girl out of it!

Today, I’ve been relaxer-free for 9 months and I’m loving my natural texture! It’s soft, curiously textured, and STRONG. And after considering the dangers of relaxers (dangers I thought of years ago after reading “Nappily Ever After”….the scalp IS porous and we’re slathering CHEMICALS on it) I refuse to do any more chemical treatments!
- Joanna G Hall
  
  I love your comment… Even though I don’t like the word “Nappily”. You are absolutely right. I think a lot of these issues with hair have been passed down by relatives. I can definitely agree that all of my non-black friends wanted my hair or was always fascinated..
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  I share the same feelings ..
wondertwin

Great article. I was just thinking yesterday…how horrible that most black girls associate hair care with pain, burning, and nasty smells! caring for our children’s hair should be a loving, bonding experience. Most of my memories of getting my hair done involved some level of dread for all the pulling, smoke from hot combs, etc.

How can we possibly teach black girls to love their hair when all we do to it conveys that we in fact hate it?
- SweetPea
  
  Its so true. when i first had my hair relaxed, and i was crying from the burning of my scalp, the hairdresser told me `beauty is painful`. I was 10 at the time!! I have two daughters, 10 and 9. the older one is always beggin me to straighten her hair and i say nope. funny tho, that she goes to school with more black kids than i did, and most of them have their hair natural and in their various braids and cornrows. you would think that would make her feel more comfortable, but there are a lot of indians and middle eastern kids who have longer straight hair and this is what she wants. too bad, she`ll have to waitl.
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  Thank you I’m glad you liked it, and you’re absolutely right..
- lulu
  
  I was natural when I was younger and I still attributed my hair to pain because my mom didn’t really know what the best thing was to do for my hair….ok she did know to always keep it braided or protected and out of the way in some sense and luckily my hair was so strong that it still grew to almost waist length….education is definitely very important.
Jaielle

Very interesting read. Wish my mother talked to me about my hair instead of making hard and lasting decisions for me ( ie a perm) Perms before periods are one of THE WORST things a parent can do for their child. You are permanently changing the structure of the hair and damaging it. This is why a lot black women dont/cant grow their hair long. You are stunting the growth/ potential of the hair before the child even has a chance to get to puberty in addition to putting too much heat on the hair…..

I found this out when my stylist and I were chatting about how my hair should be growing more after all the treatments she was giving me… I told her I got a perm when I was 6 years old, and the light bulb on top her head went off… She told me this is why your hair is stunted, she found out she had to give me different treatments/ conditioner because my head was damaged from an early age. Since we made this discovery 2 years ago my hair has grown back down my back after being stuck at the length of being on the back of my neck..

I typed all this to say, I will never do this to my child. They will have the option to choose to do any chemical treating to their own scalp, at their own risk, with their own money…

Also ladies if u got a perm before you reached puberty, consult a professional cosmetologist ( not just a stylist) about what to do to get your hair to grow back…
Guest

At least we have the knowledge now and can teach our daughters how to care for their hair from young. They in turn will also teach their daughters and so on. Later on in life if they decide to stay natural or relax their hair, it will be their choice based on their personal style. The important thing is they understand that black girls are limited to short hair for the rest of their lives. Short hair should be a choice, not a trademark of a group of people.
- itgurl_29
  
  Black girls are limited to short hair for the rest of our lives?
  - Matters2me
    
    I want to say that “Guest” made a typo and meant to say that “black girls are not limited to short hair for the rest of their lives,” but I realize that revision doesn’t help that thought at all. Implicit in that post and in the main post is the notion that there is something undesirable about short hair. If this were a discussion about Swedish women, would Guest have a problem with long, blonde hair being a trademark?
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  So true! Black females need to know that if they’re healthy, short hair can, and should be a choice..
TaunyaL

My daughter has the opposite problem. She has naturally curly hair and doesn’t really llike for it to be flat ironed that often. The problem for her is that the other girls that look like her ask her is she mixed. They told her that “real” black people don’t have hair like that. I was appalled when she told me that because that is just crazy to me! Thankfully she is strong enough to stand up for herself and told them that she is just as black as they are and that there is not just one kind of hair. I am proud that she able to stand up for herself but it made me even more aware of what I portray to her about hair. I have been chemical free for almost 10 years but I have been flat ironing my hair consistently for the past 3 years. I decided today that it is time for the “Big Chop” (my third one) and start all over. I want the freedom of mot being a slave to the flat iron. I am embracing my curls again and I am excited for this journey!
- Tina
  
  When I was younger I absolutely hated to have my hair flat ironed and eventually I did lose it to a flat iron. My mom was impressed with the process, but to the day of the last time my hair was burned, I no longer allow anyone to do it. My childhood natural hair was completely different in texture than this never been pressed hair of 6 years…long story short, I know she is your baby, but please consider not forcing the child to press if she doesn’t want to…or straighten at all..there are tutorials for roller achieved styles which give a straight look- but, if she doesn’t even want that, is it really needed? I just feel no one should be forced to straighten their hair or have anybody part altered without consent. To me, it was very violating.
- Tina
  
  And, congratulations on the BIG CHOP! Maybe, you’ll consider the “napp”tural side and bring the baby along if she’d like to join it
SusieQ

Wow! this brings me back to when my mom would take us to the neighborhood beauty parlor (we didn’t call them shops then LOL) and have our hair hot combed. She thought that was better than getting a perm. Either way for young virgin hair I think the excessive heat definitely did some permanent damge to my hair. Thanks goodness for all the great info I find on this site and from our knowledgeable, sharing sistahs.
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  oh wow,
  
  I still remember the smell of burning grease and how every time the steam would come near my scalp I would scream in horror. You’re right being able to access this site and gain the information we need is what empowers us to maintain our gorgeous locks at any age..
  - http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FRVDDNJ7LZDADVM26PUUSXR7WQ milore
    
    I was brought up in the fifties and I remember that sound of sizzling grease when the hot comb hit it!. But I had an enormous head of hair. Didn’t start to lose it until I got, gasp, a JheriCurl, the worse thing EVER invented. I’ve been natural for years now but I’m hair-style challenged! Everyone in my family can braid hair but me. But I carry on in my natural hair!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000107213296 Freda Alize Jankins Ledbetter

Our hair IS manageable!! We just have to find the proper way to “manage” it — I’ve had my sisterlocks fro two years now and I LOVE, LOVE LOVE my hair! I can work out, I can wash it as much as I want and now I can curl it. The loctician who installed them for me told me the only thing I was going to regret is that I didn’t get them sooner . . . she was right.
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  I totally agree.. And congrats on your 2 year journey !
- lulu
  
  so is it only manageable in some type of loc form? I know this will be controversial but I seriously think that some people get locs because they don’t want to deal with their loose natural hair….i’m not saying ALL or making a blanket statement though. I’m just saying this because i’ve heard so many stories about the reasoning behind some women getting locs and i’ve also seen how so many will take their locs out and will have NO CLUE how to take care of their loose natural hair….
  - KamJos
    
    No, I’ve been natural since 2003 (wow almost 10 years). I think about getting locs because I love the look but I love my loose hair too. I’ve gotten used to caring for it.
dreads

love this article. Personally, I didn’t get a relaxer until the age of 15. I’m currently 24 and have been locked for about three years. it didn’t take me long to realize that processing my hair constantly wasn’t the route I wanted to take, but it did take a while for me to actually be proud of my hair. As a kid i remember secretly hoping that one day I would wake up and have hair like some of my friends, loosely curled, easy to put into a ponytail. by the time i made it to college i was fed up with my hair straightening putting a hamper on spontaneous activities I love like swimmiing or playing in the rain. I definitely can appreciate a well manicured weave or wrap, but i knew that i wouldn’t be happy with myself unless I had hair freedom and honesty! I hope my daughter is able to come to the same conclusion some day.
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  Wow, that was so profound!
  I loved the part where you mentioned “hair freedom and (hair) Honesty”. That will be my hair Mantra from now on . I’m also glad you liked the article and I believe that your statements are right on point. There’s something so liberating about loving and appreciating our own hair and caring for it as such..
jcash

i love this article, as a child my mom put a perm in my hair when i was 2. it has always been a joke of my family. but i always wanted to have natural hair. i think if my mom was more educated and didnt make that choice for me than i wouldnt have to have a perm every 4 months. i think natural hair is beautiful and it shows strength not to conform to societies idea of beauty. if i ever have a daughter i will let her make that choice on her own.

great story.
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad you liked my article, and it’s such a relief to know that I’m not alone when it comes to childhood experiences, I think as parents we try to do the best we can with what we know..
- SimplyVirgo21
  
  I strongly disagree with that statement about black people only being able to have short hair, that’s not true. My hair was very short when I was 9( I’m 21 now) but by the time I was 11 my hair grew to my shoulders and it grew even longer to this day. We just have to really really take good care of our hair. It’s fragile so its our job to build it up so that it will be strong.
Smacks_hoes

I just wish my natural hair was more manageable…with that being said I don’t think I would perm my child’s hair
- http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
  
  I totally Agree with you !!
- itgurl_29
  
  Natural hair is indeed manageable. The problems only start when you try to create styles that aren’t suited to naturally kinky hair. If a white woman with bone straight hair had this crazy idea that her hair was supposed to be in twists or puffs everyday, then her straight hair would be “unmanageable”. Stop trying to do styles that are meant for straight hair on coily kinky hair and there will be no problems.
  - http://twitter.com/honeycurlstv Honey Curls
    
    That is so true. Sometimes I wonder if too many of us have been conditioned to believe that our own hair is only beautiful if it looks a certain way (ie straight). Yet, some of the most gorgeous styles I have ever seen have been on women with natural hair.
  - IllyPhilly
    
    LMAO. I have a white friend who was just like that. she wanted braids and twists and afro puffs. and I was like “sweetie, just have some bi-racial babies, cuz that thin hair will NEVER do that without a wig.” That is a GREAT point you make.

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